by Zach Braff
Myron What?
Charlie Amongst all the preposterous nonsense that you just said, one phrase stands out amongst the rest as the most idiotic. You implied that the Japanese were at Normandy. It was the Germans. The Americans called them ‘Jerry’, but there were no ‘Gooks’.
Myron No Gooks at Normandy?
Charlie No Gooks at Normandy.
Emma That sounds like the title of some brave general’s autobiography . . . How many people did you say you killed, Charlie?
Charlie Six.
Myron Bullshit.
Charlie I think I’m gonna have a drink now.
As Charlie crosses to the bar, he slips on the hundreds of beads that have been scattered across the floor from the artwork. He lands on his back.
Charlie Awwww, fuck!
Emma Oh my God! Charlie! The beads! Are you OK? You are just not having a good day, are you?
Myron (suddenly suspicious) This place has been booby-trapped. I saw this in a movie once . . .
Emma Home Alone.
Myron Yes. Home Alone.
Emma It has not been booby-trapped. I broke some African art. It was a piece of shit anyway; probably made in China. The beads went everywhere, I need your help sewing it all back together.
Myron We’ll need some thread and a magnifying glass.
Emma That’s what I said.
Charlie stands holding his back.
Myron That’s gonna hurt tomorrow.
Emma Luckily for Charlie there won’t be a tomorrow. I suppose that’s some good news.
Charlie pours a drink at the bar.
Myron I’ll take one of those too, thanks.
Charlie I’m not pouring you a drink; you’re a fireman. What if there’s a fire?
Emma and Myron laugh.
Charlie What’s so funny?
Emma It’s the dead of winter, Charlie. There aren’t gonna be any fires.
Charlie Things don’t burn in the winter?
Myron They do, but they don’t. There’s no one on the island. Only a few thousand people in the off-season. Almost two hundred thousand in the height of summer. But right now, this place is a ghost town. Anybody who’s here now, is here cause they got no place else to go.
Emma Guilty as charged. I’d love to be anywhere else but here. No offense to my only friend; but I’m stuck. Outta money, no visa, can’t rent a house out to save my life . . . I’m hopelessly tangled in nothingness.
Myron I mean there are the occasional things of course . . . chest pains, smoke alarm at the coffee shop, somebody tries to make a fire and forgets to open the flue. But for the most part it’s quiet around here. I can have a drink . . . or three.
Emma Myron does other things in the off-season.
Charlie Like what?
Emma Myron’s the island’s drug dealer.
Charlie Your parents must be so proud.
Myron I prefer ‘Purveyor of Distractions’. I’m kinda like Ricardo Montalban from Fantasy Island; except I’ve yet to find a dwarf that’ll yell ‘Da plane, Da plane!’ (In normal voice, not an impression of Hervé.)
Charlie OK, listen to me. I have a gun in the other room. And if you people don’t get up off that couch and get the fuck out of here right now, I’m gonna go in there and when I come back out, I’m gonna blow your fucking heads off!
Emma Myron? What are your vibes telling you about this latest outburst?
Myron They’re telling me his gun’s probably orange and says ‘Super Soaker’ on the side.
Emma Why would you want to kill your friends?
Charlie You think we’re friends?!
Emma I think Myron and I might be the only friends you’ve got. There isn’t exactly a line out the door of people trying to stop you from turning yourself into a human piñata. Isn’t that right, Myron?
Myron Now he’s got a gun. I think he’s just trying to get into your undies by weaving some kinda Bonnie and Clyde crime caper. I think, she caught you trying to dangle yourself and you thought, ‘Hey, I might as well go out with a bang . . .’ So all of a sudden you’re a killer on the run. I call it bullshit, I think you just wanna get in her pants by titillating her with fancy tales of stealing her all sorts of diamonds and bonds . . .
Charlie Bonds?
Myron Whatever they steal from banks these days . . .
Charlie I think it’s still cash.
Myron In Beverly Hills Cop they stole bonds.
Emma I really just want a Green Card. Can you steal me that, Charlie? I’ll be Bonnie to your Clyde if I could just have a bloody Green Card.
The action on stage freezes. A scrim lowers. A pre-shot film flickers to life. We are inside one of the pods of the ‘London Eye’ Ferris wheel. Emma stands across from Badger, a tough-looking British man.
Badger What a fucking atrocity.
Emma I think it’s kind of nice.
Badger It’s a fucking disaster. Thank God it’ll all be consigned to the dump the second this millennium bollocks is over with.
Beat.
Badger Hand me the envelope.
She does.
Badger It’ll be done on Monday; the day before he’s scheduled to be paroled. You need to leave the country. No contact with anyone you know.
Emma I can’t even call my dad? I have to say goodbye . . .
Badger Never again. No email, not even a post card.
Emma Is that it then?
Badger There is one more thing. Clementine Thomas nicknamed ‘Emma’ by her mother, Annabelle, who died of breast cancer when her only daughter was barely eight years old. Your only surviving relative is your father, Russel, who tends bar at the Lion’s Head pub in Camden. He roots for Tottenham Hotspur and likes to feed the ducks in Regent’s Park after church on Sunday morning.
Emma How do you know all this? What’s your point?
Badger We never met. You’ve never seen me. If you do ever see me again, it’s because you fucked up. You done something wrong. And I’ll slit your father’s fucking throat with a Samurai sword I won at auction without raising my pulse even one half a beat for the minute. You get all that?
Emma Yes.
Badger (he sings sweetly) Oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’ Clementine, you are lost and gone forever, dear sweet darling, Clementine.
Beat. They see a plane flying out of Heathrow in the distance.
Badger Put your tray table up, Emma Thomas, we’re about to get going . . .
The scrim rises up, lights up on stage.
Charlie You can’t steal a Green Card.
Myron You could if you put the right team together.
Charlie What?
Myron You know those movies where they have to assemble the right team and everyone has their specialty and in the end it all works out because they each did their part?
Charlie Yeah.
Myron Well I’ll bet if you put the right team together you could steal Emma a Green Card.
Emma Ooh, please put a team together, Charlie. I wanna follow the American dream and collect unemployment.
Charlie I am not a thief!
Emma ‘You can be anything you wanna be’; that’s what Dad always said.
Charlie I don’t know anything about putting a team of thieves together. I’ve never stolen anything in my life. (Beat.) I’m a fighter pilot for the U.S. Air Force.
Silence.
Myron Come on. Emma Really?
Charlie I fly the F-22 Raptor for the Air Force! I’ve flown over two hundred sorties over Iraq and Afghanistan. I’m a fighter pilot. I’m not a fucking thief.
Myron Wow. That’s a whole nother level. Do you mind if I use that one?
Charlie It’s not a fucking pickup line, asshole. You’re really starting to piss me off.
Myron You just don’t strike me as a fighter pilot. You’re a little too . . . Jewy.
Charlie That makes absolutely no sense. The Israeli Air Force is the second best air force in the world. I imagine there’s probably a few Jews flying
their planes. I’m not a liar.
Emma Well technically you did lie about owning this house.
Charlie Kevin O’Donnell and I went to college together. I told him I’m going through a hard time. I wanted to be alone, so he said I could come here.
Emma To kill yourself.
Charlie He doesn’t know about that part. He’s got more money than anybody I know and so he can afford to do his friend a favor.
Myron Well the place is just sitting here . . .
Charlie What?
Myron What I mean is . . . the house is just sitting here. It’s the off-season.
Emma Myron, don’t minimize Kevin’s favor.
Myron I’m not minimizing his favor. It was very nice of him to let you off yourself in his beach house. But it’s not like he’s really given you anything at a loss to himself . . . What I mean is, he hasn’t paid for anything.
Emma Heat . . .
Myron Yes, he’s given you heat.
The doorbell rings. They all freeze.
Emma Oh fuck! The Goldbergs!
Charlie Jesus Christ.
Emma Wait, there’s no car . . . Myron, did you tell anyone you were coming here?
Myron I didn’t tell anyone, but I mean . . . people know I’m here.
Charlie How?
Myron Cause I got the fire truck parked outside.
Charlie You parked the fucking fire truck in front of the house?
Myron Well when I pulled up I didn’t exactly expect this little fiesta did I?? I thought I was just dropping off some Canadian anti-depressants for ‘tea and crumpets’ over there.
Emma For the record, they’re not Canadian anti-depressants. I would never outsource my happiness to that glorified colony. They’re produced here by the free and the brave.
The doorbell rings again. Charlie tries to see who it is.
Charlie Who the fuck is out there?!
Myron removes a tube of glue and begins to inhale it loudly through his nose.
Charlie Are you huffing glue?!
Myron Yes I am; glue calms me. Now why don’t you go open door number one and see what we’ve won. I’m hoping it’s a dining set!
Emma opens the door. There stands Kim. She is twenty-two and stunning. They all stare. She looks at Myron in his uniform.
Emma Hello.
Kim Is there a fire?
Myron is dumbfounded by her beauty.
Myron Uhhh . . . not anymore. I put it out.
Kim Oh. Thank God. I’m looking for Charlie Bloom.
Charlie I’m Charlie.
Kim Is everything OK?
Charlie Yes, everything’s fine. I’m sorry, but who are you? How did you know I was here?
Kim Kevin O’Donnell sent me from New York City.
Charlie To do what?
Kim To cheer you up. He said you were down in the dumps. I’m a present. I’m yours for the night.
Myron Oh my God we’ve won a prostitute.
Kim I’m not a prostitute, I’m an escort.
Myron And I’m not a fireman, I’m a pressurized water courier. Come on inside. It’s freezing out.
Charlie Wait . . .
She comes in the room. Myron closes the door and brings her into the room.
Kim It smells like glue.
Myron We were making a collage.
Kim Fun; I love crafts. Hi, I’m Kim.
Myron I’m Myron Dunlap, Chief of the Long Beach Island Fire Department and personal concierge to all VIP’s from the neighboring island of Manhattan.
Kim Nice to meet you.
Charlie You’re the chief of the fire department?
Myron Yes. Why are you so surprised?
Charlie Because you obviously have a drug problem!
Myron Doesn’t really feel like a problem to me.
Emma Hello, I’m Emma. Welcome to our humble abode.
Kim Cool. I like your accent.
Emma Thanks, I made it myself.
Myron Can I offer you a drink?
Charlie No.
Kim Sure, tequila’s fine. Do you guys have any cocaine?
Charlie Oh, Jesus.
Myron I like the way you enter a party, young Kimberly. Allow me to send a quick text . . .
Emma Get some nitrous-oxide and a bag of Cheetos too.
Myron takes out his phone and types a text.
Charlie No, no, no, no. Stop taking your coat off. Look, I don’t know how to say this nicely, but . . .
Get the fuck out! We are not having a party! Look . . . ma’am . . .
Kim Kim.
Charlie Kim. I’m really sorry, but I feel like there’s been a misunderstanding. I can see what Kevin was trying to do. And he means well. But I’m not really in the mood to . . .
Kim You don’t think I’m pretty?
Myron I think you’re very pretty.
Kim Thank you.
Charlie What? No, you’re very attractive. It’s just that . . .
Emma Charlie’s having an off day; he’s not really in the mood to be . . . escorted.
Kim Well we don’t have to really go anywhere. We can just sit here and talk if you want. Kevin bought me out for the whole night.
Charlie Look. It’s not you, I’m just – I’m going through kind of a tough time right now. I’m actually trying to remove the guests I currently have, so it seems a bit counter-intuitive to be inviting new ones in.
Kim Are you upset about the fire?
Charlie The what, now?
Kim Are you upset about the fire that he just put out.
Charlie There was no fire.
Myron Eh, eh, eh . . . What he means is, to call it a fire would be an understatement. It was more like a mini holocaust.
Kim Oh. Where are all the other firemen?
Charlie Yes, where are all the other firemen?
Myron Dead.
Emma Dead?
Myron Dead.
Charlie Dead?
Myron Dead. She claimed them all.
Kim You guys are fucking with me.
Myron Not yet, but we’re looking forward to that.
Charlie Listen, thanks for coming all the way down here, but I’m gonna have to take a rain check.
Kim I just let the car service go. And it was a three-hour drive. If you don’t want me here, how am I supposed to get home?
Myron I can give you a lift.
Kim In the fire truck.
Myron Of course.
Charlie It’s a great idea; why don’t we get that going right now . . .
Emma But Myron; shouldn’t you be grieving over all those dead men?
Myron You know it really hasn’t hit me yet. I imagine sometime tomorrow I’ll throw on a little Sarah McLachlan and weep in the fetal position. But for now I just wanna be here with my close friends. Emma, Larry –
Charlie Charlie.
Myron Charlie. And you: our new friend, Kim. Would you mind closing that door, Larry? It’s freezing outside.
Kim Listen, Charlie. Kevin bought me for you for the whole night, so I can’t leave. I’m all yours. And you can do whatever you want to me, but between you and I, I’d appreciate it if you stayed away from my asshole.
Emma Myron, could I have my Canadian anti-depressants now? I’m beginning to feel a downward spiral coming on.
Kim Ooh what are you on? I take Celexa, Darvocet and the occasional Wellbutrin for smoking.
She lights a cigarette. Myron tosses a bottle of pills to Emma.
Emma Mine don’t really have a name. I’m an illegal alien, so I have to take what I can afford from our neighbor to the north. These ones are just labeled ‘Happier’. I can’t afford ‘Happiest’.
Kim It’s funny, I would never have guessed you were Mexican.
They all stare at her.
Emma Excuse me?
Kim Your accent sounds so British like Madonna’s or Gwyneth Paltrow. But you said you’re an illegal alien, right? Aren’t you guys from Mexico?
No one’s quite sure how to respond . . .
>
Emma You know, I’m continually surprised by the quality of the American public school system.
Kim Tell me about it. In my high school yearbook I was voted ‘Most Likely to be a Good Mother’. What kind of bullshit is that? I can’t even take care of my Sims. You know that video game? Well mine all died. I forgot to send those little fuckers to work and so they had no money to buy food so they starved and died. I cried. I actually cried when my Sims died. Those tiny bastards never had a chance.
Kim toasts the heavens and shoots her tequila. Myron joins her, then fills her glass with more tequila. Emma and Charlie stare.
Charlie One can be an illegal alien from any country.
Myron Or planet.
Charlie Or planet, thanks. It just means you are in the country without permission from the government.
Kim Well then how come when they talk about it on the news they only show pictures of Mexicans?
Emma Well, they do seem to get caught a bit more often than the rest of us.
Kim Maybe it’s cause they’re brown; easier to spot in a crowd. Racism, I guess.
Myron You’re so wise.
Kim I’m going to college on the internet. (Beat.) I’m studying feelings.
Myron I have those.
Kim So if you’re here illegally why don’t you travel back to your homeland?
Emma (flustered) Well I . . . left England . . .
Myron Emma’s an American trapped in a Brit’s body. This is her home now.
Kim (re: the house) It’s so nice.
Emma No, not this particular home. He meant the nation.
Kim Oh. Got it. Well . . . welcome.
Charlie Yes, well I’m very happy you’ve all made yourselves at home here, but maybe you could move this whole shindig down to the firehouse. That could be fun, huh? Hey there’s even a pole for you.
Emma We’re not leaving you alone.
Myron I’m the one who’s gonna have to come back and cut you down if you go through with it, so I might as well stay here and enjoy this stunning view of Manhattan we’ve acquired.
Emma Oh please, Myron, stop fawning; you’re embarrassing yourself.
Myron Jealousy’s a horrible color on you Emma. It’s obvious that Kim and I have a connection. Neither one of us is gonna deny that.
Kim You’re so sweet.
Charlie I guess I’m just gonna have to go and call the police then.
Myron Or if you want I could just call them on my radio and have them take you over to the Ocean County psych ward. That’s what we’re supposed to do . . .