by Zach Braff
Myron pours whiskey all around.
Kim Why would you wanna be left alone, Charlie? Don’t you like company? I’m relatively new at this, but you’re the first person to turn down my services. Do you prefer penises?
Charlie No.
Kim It’s OK if you do.
Charlie I’m not gay.
Kim Look I’m not dirty. I don’t have any STD’s or anything. I thought I had crabs once, but it turned out it was just scabies.
Charlie What are scabies?
Kim They’re like these tiny microscopic bugs that crawl under your skin and take tiny microscopic shits. Your skin is allergic to their tiny shits, so you start to itch and get rashes all over.
Myron The sun is slowly setting on my view.
Emma So you caught this, the microscopic insect shit, you caught this from a customer.
Kim Yes and no. He wanted to fuck me in a sandbox. Twisted guy. You wouldn’t believe what he paid me to fuck him in a sandbox in a playground down by the Irish Famine Memorial. Turns out that’s where they love to live. That’s why little kids get scabies all the time.
Myron Because they fuck in sandboxes?
Kim No. Because they play in sandboxes. And that’s where scabies like to live. So I go to the doctor and I’m like ‘What’s with all these itchy bumps; do I have crabs?’ So he tells me to pull down my pants.
Myron I shoulda gone to med-school.
Kim He takes a really close look at my pussy . . . and says –
Myron ‘Houston, we have a problem . . .’
Kim No. He says, ‘Don’t worry, it’s not crabs, it’s just scabies.’
Emma How do you kill scabies?
Kim There’s a lotion. You have to rub it all over your body and clean all your clothes and sheets. But I couldn’t help but feel really bad for the guy. I mean apparently scabies spread like wild fire.
Myron I can confirm as a fireman that wildfires spread very quickly.
Charlie He must have given it to his wife and kids.
Emma Well I’m sure the scabies were happy, they got to hitch a ride on those kids right back to the sandbox.
Kim Anyway, the point is, Charlie . . .
Charlie Yes, what was the point?
Kim The point is that I’m clean. Kevin has been very good to me and helped me out a lot, so I don’t want to let him down.
Charlie How exactly has Kevin been good to you?
Suddenly the scrim panels slide in and cover the proscenium of the entire stage. A pre-shot video flickers to life on the scrim. We are in Kevin O’Donnell’s very expensive New York loft. Expensive art adorns the walls. Kevin and Kim have just finished fucking.
Kevin Oh fuck! Fuck!
Kim Fuck. Stupid condoms.
Kevin Oh my God, I just came in a prostitute. Do you have AIDS?! Please tell me you don’t have AIDS!
Kim OK calm down! I don’t have AIDS.
Kevin Well you’re on the pill right?
Kim Hell no!
Kevin Hell no? How could you say ‘hell, no’? You’re a prostitute! It seems like a relatively important business expenditure for someone who fucks strangers for money.
Kim I just don’t like to put weird chemicals in my body.
Kevin You put strangers’ cocks inside your body?! How could you possibly draw the line at concentrated estrogen?!
Kim Those pills are so bad for you.
Kevin And so is stranger-cock, but you don’t seem to have a problem taking that!
Kim You’re not being very nice.
Kevin You’re just gonna have to take ‘the morning after pill’.
Kim Maybe.
Kevin No. No maybe! I just came inside of you. I cannot get you pregnant! My wife’s already pregnant!
Kim Will you help me pay for my demo?
Kevin What?!
Kim My music demo. Haven’t you listened to me all day? I told you I’m trying to get my music career going and I need a little extra cash to pay for a demo.
Kevin Oh my God, you’re blackmailing me? This is horrible. From orgasm to blackmail in less than thirty seconds; that has to be a record.
Kim I’m not blackmailing you. I’m just offering up a swap; demo for abortion.
Kevin It’s not an abortion! How is it an abortion?! I just came ten seconds ago! Nothing’s been fertilized!
Kim Well that depends on who you ask. Sarah Palin would probably say it’s an abortion.
Kevin Jesus Christ.
Kim Just think of it as supporting the arts.
Kevin Look around you; I already support the arts. My art dealer just talked me into spending a quarter million dollars on some bullshit piece of African art. I threw it into my beach house. It’s made up of hundreds of these little beads. It looks like a homeless person’s abacus. (Beat.) How much is a demo?
Kim Fifty thousand will work.
Kevin To sing into a microphone?! I’ll buy you a fucking karaoke machine.
Kim No! I need to work with this producer ‘DJ Cracker Hater’. I met him in Atlantic City and he really understands what I’m going for.
Kevin If he hates crackers, why does he want to work with you?
Kim What the hell do I have to do with him not liking crackers? I’m not a fucking Pringle.
Kevin ‘Cracker’ is a derogatory name for white people. He hates white people.
Kim He doesn’t hate white people. That’s just his alias. He’s Jewish. I know cause I fucked him last shabbas. I remember cause I had to turn the lights off; he’s not allowed to operate a light switch on the sabbath.
Kevin He can fuck a prostitute, but he can’t touch a light switch?
Kim Yeah. God wants him to rest I guess. Weird, huh? I’m tired too! Where’s my fucking shabbas?
Kevin Yes. Fine! Whatever. But I wanna watch you eat those pills.
Kim Oh yay! Kevin, thank you so much! I’m so happy you believe in me! Now I’m glad you shot your load in me; I’m gonna be a star.
The clip ends. Lights up behind the scrim as the panels slide out.
Kim He’s been very supportive of my music career. I’m actually a singer/songwriter. I just do this to pay my rent. Kevin’s helping to produce my EP.
Myron Do you mind if I ask . . . and please tell me if this is out of line, but how much does it cost to have the luxury of your services?
Charlie It is outta line. Don’t answer that.
Kim I’m very expensive. I mean no offense, but regular working guys such as yourself are often shocked at the price. But I’m the top level. I mean I’m like the Prada of pussy.
They all squint their eyes to try and picture what that means . . .
Emma What does that cost? How much did Kevin pay you for the night?
Kim You’re gonna gasp.
Emma No we won’t.
Charlie Don’t say it. We don’t wanna know.
Myron Oh yes we do!
Kim Promise you won’t freak out and drop your jaws.
Emma We promise.
Charlie You don’t owe anyone here anything.
Myron We’re not judging you, we’re just curious . . .
Kim Fifteen thousand.
Emma Holy shit!
Myron Unbelievable.
Charlie Are you serious?
Kim But I’ll do anything.
Myron Sweetheart, I’ll fuck a bear for fifteen thousand dollars. You can take a syringe full of scabies and shoot them into my eyes for fifteen k. Fuck! How fucked up is our society?! Guys like Kevin O’Donnell up there on Wall Street are dumping more money into whores . . .
Kim Hey!
Myron Sorry. ‘Escorts . . .’ than I make in six months protecting an entire island from going up in flames. And you know what really kills me? Who bailed them out? Who the fuck bailed them out when they were drowning up to their Bluetooth earpieces in bad loans and debt. Me. The regular working guys you’re talking about. They took my money and gave it to the Kevin O’Donnells of the world, so they could fuck whores and produce whore r
ecords.
Kim Hey.
Emma Myron.
Myron And you know, technically . . . the thing is . . . I mean if you really wanna zoom out; in the macro of this situation, I have personally paid for a fraction of tonight’s services. And I would like to redeem my portion now. What do you say, Charlie?
Charlie He paid you fifteen thousand dollars to sleep with me?
Kim Yes. But look how cute I am. And I came all the way down here to Long Beach Island. And you can do whatever you want to me . . .
Emma Except for your asshole . . .
Kim Yeah, except for my asshole.
Myron I have a similar policy.
Charlie Look, it was a nice thing for Kevin to do. He gave me the finest thing he could afford to cheer me up.
Emma A fuck? Is that the finest thing a rich man can afford?
Charlie No. He sent me some company. He rented me some friendship.
Kim Totes. We have this thing called GFE. It stands for ‘the girlfriend experience’. One guy I never even slept with, he just wanted to cuddle. I hugged the guy for a week and made like fifty thousand dollars.
Myron Could I have his number?
Kim No.
Myron I will hug the shit out of that guy. I will literally hug him until he shits the bed from too much hugging.
Charlie God, people will do anything to avoid being alone.
Emma You wanna be alone.
Charlie I do now, but not . . . before. Before I would do anything I could to avoid being alone. I’d scroll through my phone looking for someone to text. In line for coffee, in the car; I always had to be talking or texting someone . . .
Emma Are you lonely, Charlie?
Charlie Of course I’m lonely.
Emma Then why are you trying so hard to get rid of us? Isn’t this what you want? You’re lonely and here you are surrounded by other people.
Kim Maybe it’s like being bone-tired. You feel bone-lonesome.
Charlie (a small smile) Hmm. I suppose; that’s a good way to put it.
Emma Is that why you wanna kill yourself?
Kim Excuse me, what?
Myron Oh yeah. We forgot to tell you about that. We all got a little caught up in the excitement of your arrival and the microscopic bugs taking shits under your skin. By the way, he also claims he’s murdered a bunch of people.
Kim You’re a murderer? Oh my God, we need to make a citizen’s arrest.
Charlie Kim, wait. No you don’t.
Kim Don’t worry; I’ve got handcuffs in my purse.
Charlie Kim.
Emma We can’t arrest him; Charlie’s a hero who’s flown hundreds of sorties to Iraq.
Kim Why would a sorority wanna go to Iraq?
Emma Sorties not sororities. Missions. When I found him earlier he was on that chair with that noose around his neck.
Kim Oh my God there’s a noose! He’s gonna lynch us. We gotta get outta here!
Emma Careful!
Kim races towards the door, but slips violently on the African beads on the floor.
Kim Ow!!!!! Fuck!
Myron Somebody should really sweep up those beads.
Emma Are you OK?
Kim He’s got this place booby-trapped like Home Alone!
Myron Thank you!
Myron and Emma race to help her up. She limps on her ankle over to a chair.
Emma Oh my God. We had an incident with a faulty piece of culture. I’ll get you some ice.
Kim No it’s OK; my drink didn’t spill. (Beat.) Please don’t lynch us! We won’t tell anyone you’re gay.
Charlie I’m not gay.
Kim That’s exactly what we’ll say.
Charlie It was an accident!
Myron An accident! Now we’re getting somewhere.
Kim Were you the one who started the fire?
Charlie There was no fire. This guy’s lying, he’s probably not even a fireman.
Kim Wait a minute, I’m confused.
Charlie Shocking.
They hear a lound siren out front.
Kim Oh thank God, the cops.
Charlie (to Myron) You called the police?!
Myron No, that’s our cocaine! Be right back.
Myron exits through the front door.
Emma Kim, I think you can relax about Charlie trying to hurt you. The noose is for him.
Kim What?! Why would you want to hang yourself on your birthday?
Emma Is it your birthday, Charlie?
Charlie Yes.
Emma How old are you?
Charlie Thirty-five.
Emma Happy birthday! Drinks all around!
Emma crosses to the bar to grab the whiskey. She fills both of their glasses.
Kim But isn’t he a murderer?
Emma We haven’t exactly got the details yet. Myron’s says he’s lying. Myron thinks Charlie’s made up the story to impress me.
Kim That’s so romantic. I hope you’re lying; it’s your birthday. You should be celebrating.
Emma That’s a great idea. We should throw you a party.
Charlie Please don’t.
Emma Look, if you’ve really got your heart set on doing it tonight, then do it later when we’ve all left. You might as well spend your last night alive celebrating the day you were born.
Charlie That doesn’t make any sense.
Kim Why not?
Charlie Why would I wanna celebrate the day I was born? If I’m really gonna kill myself wouldn’t it make more sense to celebrate the day I finally get to die?
Myron opens the door holding a bag of coke in one hand and a snowball in the other.
Myron I’ve got New Jersey snow and Colombian snow. Which one do you want me to bring in the house?
Kim Colombian! Colombian!
Myron Colombian it is!
Myron tosses the snowball outside.
Kim Oh, thank God!
Emma Myron, it’s Charlie’s birthday.
Myron Killing yourself on your birthday? That’s morbid. Who wants some Cheetos?
Emma Oooh, yes please. And I’ll take some of that nitrous-oxide as well. It’ll help me add a whole other dimension to Charlie’s party. Please tell me you got balloons.
Myron produces two empty balloons.
Emma There they are. We need a theme. And I’m choosing birthday, Charlie: it’s far less twisted and weird. I’m guessing you don’t believe in the afterlife?
Charlie Nope, just purgatory.
Emma So this is it, then . . . soul shuts off like a light switch?
Charlie That would be the goal.
Emma Well we might be able to get away with a death-day party if you believed in the afterlife. I mean if you had like seventy-two virgins waiting for you on the other side and all that, maybe we’d have something to toast . . .
Myron begins to cut up lines of coke on the coffee table. Kim kneels next to him, eager for a turn.
Kim Who gets seventy-two virgins?
Myron Some Muslims believe that if you die as a martyr, you get to have seventy-two virgins as a ‘thank you’ present when you get to Heaven.
Kim I mean I guess that’s nice and all. But virgins aren’t very experienced are they? I’d much rather have like twenty ridiculously good lovers as my present. Or I guess if they were Latino I’d probably only need ten.
Kim does a line of coke.
Charlie Are you planning on dying as a martyr?
Kim Maybe; what’s a martyr?
Myron A martyr is someone who dies for their religious beliefs.
Kim Oh, then nevermind. I’m Catholic; I don’t think we get virgins. But if we do, I’d really like to know ahead of time. I hate surprises. It’s like when I’m on the phone with a client; I always like to know going in what he wants. That way I have the upper hand when he tries to surprise me with something like asking me to piss on him.
Emma People pay you to piss on them?
Kim All the time. A lot of politicians actually; it’s like their thing. If I just piss o
n them while they beat off they don’t feel like they cheated on their wives and then they won’t really be lying to the voters when they say they love family values and all the other values that those guys have to make sure they love.
Emma God, people are so twisted aren’t they?
Kim What do you mean?
Emma Sweetheart, if someone’s got the money . . . they can own you and do whatever they want to you. And I’m sorry, but that just makes me sad. In fact, the only thing that makes me sadder than that . . . is how busy you probably are . . .
Kim Jeez, you make it sound so horrible. I think some people are just kinky fucks who ended up in a society where they’re not allowed to be as twisted as they want to be. So they hold down all the things they lust for as much as they can, but sometimes it’s just too hard. Did you ever see that movie The Ten Commandments with the guy who loves guns as Moses?
Myron Charlton Heston.
Kim Right. Well we had to watch that movie every Easter at my house. And when the guy who loves guns goes up to get the ten commandments, there’s like this major fun party going on at the bottom of Mount Sinus. People are drinking and screwing and dancing. It’s like a fucking rave. To me as a kid, it always looked like so much fun. Maybe God didn’t fully understand what he created. I know with my Sims for example, they got super into playing darts. I had nothing to do with that; I fucking hate darts. But I created them and then they got into their own thing. Maybe we’re really supposed to be free and crazy and sometimes a little twisted. Charlton Moses shouldn’t have been so mad just ’cause they wanted to party.
Charlie He was mad that they were worshiping an idol.
Kim What?
Charlie The party you didn’t want to end was to worship a statue of a cow. Moses comes down from the mountain and he’s so pissed that they’re all worshiping this cow statue, that he drops the commandments and kills the 3,000 people at your party. It’s kind of funny actually; the poor guy’s exhausted; he’s been sleeping on the side of a cliff for forty days and he’s all ready to tell everybody, ‘Hey guys, this just in: thou shalt not kill.’ But he gets so pissed off about the worshiping of the idol that he brutally slaughters 3,000 people in the name of the very God that had just told him not to.
Kim Buzzkill.
Emma Bible scholar?
Charlie Hebrew school. Most of the kids stuck to the coloring book version; I actually read the damn thing. God has a temper.