by Chloe Seager
‘I have a daughter about your age,’ he said, stamping my hand with a giant, red circle.
Then he waved me past. I started doing a jig until I got to the bathroom and saw that, in the middle of the red circle, it says ‘UNDER 18.’ I’ve been scrubbing for at least five minutes!!! AND IT WON’T COME OFF.
Steph strolled in and saw it. She said, ‘I told you to be cool!!’
‘I WAS COOL.’
‘Evidently not.’
‘Did yours work?!’
‘YES.’
‘HOW?!’
‘Probably because I wasn’t stuttering and moving my eyes from side to side.’
AGHHHHH.
posted by EditingEmma 23.25
How to End a Date By Ten-Thirty
At Steph’s. I ended up dragging her out before the main band even played. Thankfully her nan has gone to bed so there’s no more Goodnight Sweetheart on. It really is a very morally dubious premise. Anyway, here are my top tips on being a terrible dater:
Do the Dorky Wave
Paolo walked in and faithful Steph scampered off to lurk in a corner. He spotted me and nodded his head slightly. Unfortunately, I’d already broken into the ‘dorky wave’ and for some reason, once I’d started, found it very hard to stop. He actually looked away uncomfortably.
Talk About Your Stye
He sat down and kissed me on either cheek like my aunt does, when you’re not really kissing but just sort of bumping faces.
‘Ciao, Emma!’
‘Ciao, Paolo!’
‘Come stai?’
‘What?’
‘Come stai?’
After three attempts to understand him and a second of sheer panic where I thought my stye was back and he was pointing it out to me, I realised that this means ‘How are you?’ in Italian. The moment was somewhat lost, and to fill the conversation gap I started explaining about my gross eye-lump.
Cough in Your Date’s Face
‘What would you like?’ he asked.
‘Errr… what are you having?’
‘A beer.’
‘Yep. Sounds good.’
I was sure it would taste fine. People drink beer all the time, right? It’s UNIVERSALLY LOVED so it must be all right. Wrong. It’s disgusting. I had a WHOLE PINT to get through and every gulp made me splutter.
Keep Your Left Hand Under the Table at All Times
This doesn’t sound like it would really affect the date but it made any natural movement very difficult. Still, at least he didn’t see my glowing mark of underage humiliation.
Reveal Too Much About Your Family
‘So, Emma.’ Paolo folded his arms. ‘Tell me another story about your mother. She sounds so amusing when you speak of her.’
‘Err… Gosh. A story? I don’t know. Today she broke an egg cup that she was really attached to and yelled and swore at me for about half an hour for not “helping” her.’
He grimaced a little. Not such a good story I guess.
Act Like a 90-Year-Old
The music was SO LOUD and, with his accent, it was near impossible to hear what he was saying. I kept yelling ‘WHAT?’ like my granddad.
Dance
Gracie was right.
posted by EditingEmma 23.42
Discussing with Steph.
‘Oh God. It was so, so awful.’
‘Did you not think he was attractive?’
‘No no, he was REALLY attractive.’
She looked at me as if to say, Then what’s the problem?
‘I don’t know. We just didn’t bond.’
‘How did it end?’
‘He offered me another beer but I said no, thanks. He shrugged and went off to get another one… Then when he came back there was a really long gap in our forced conversation and he downed it with a really pained expression on his face. Then I said I wasn’t feeling very well.’
‘Oh, Emmy, I’m sorry.’
‘He looked genuinely relieved, when I said I was leaving. I feel like a popped balloon.’
‘I’m just so confused.’ She frowns. ‘I thought you got on really well before?’
‘We did.’
‘I don’t understand that.’
‘Me neither.’
But I do understand. I’m too ashamed to say that I lied about certain things, and that I felt more confident and witty behind my phone. In real life my bravado fell completely flat.
Evidence: Online connections do not necessarily entail real-life connections. Especially when you’ve e-tweaked yourself a little bit.
posted by EditingEmma 00.12
Oh my God… I’M LAURENCE MYER. Maybe I should just go out with him and live in a Minstrel-made house of silence.
posted by EditingEmma 00.21
Got a message from Paolo.
‘Emma, thank you for meeting with me tonight. But I do not feel that I want to see you again.. You were different, I cannot explain. Maybe you weren’t drinking enough. Forgive me and it was lovely to meet you, you are a wonderful girl. Tua, Paolo. x’
Maybe you weren’t drinking enough???????????
MAYBE YOU WEREN’T DRINKING ENOUGH??????????
As if in order for me to POSSIBLY be any fun I’d have to be DRUNK?
posted by EditingEmma 00.28
Sent a message back: ‘You were different too. You said your music was good.x’
A minute ago that felt really cutting and edgy and now, looking at it sitting there on our message thread, it looks like something a petulant five-year-old might say.
Aghhhhhhh.
This is one of the worst things about technology. You can say something stupid in real life and it will essentially just disappear into thin air. You say something stupid on a phone, and the message will hang there in cyberspace, haunting you with proof of your stupidity. It’s permanent. It’s out there forever. Even if you delete it someone else will still have it. They can hold it up and say, ‘Look at this message Emma sent me. Look how stupid she is.’
I wish I could go back to the gig and pour the gross beer all over his head.
posted by EditingEmma 00.56
Spooning Steph as she sleeps, very lightly so that she doesn’t wake up and push me off. I feel so low. For a brief time, I really felt like talking to Paolo over the internet was helping me discover myself, or something, but now I feel like all it did was remove me from myself. And introduce me to a complete buttface.
Sunday, 21 September
posted by EditingEmma 11.18
‘Maybe you weren’t drinking enough???????’ The phrase keeps resounding in my head. For a brief moment I (sort of) stopped thinking about Leon. I started feeling good about who I was. Now I’m back to thinking about Leon constantly, and self-loathing.
posted by EditingEmma 17.08
Sitting on the toilet just letting my period drip out because I am sick of always having to change my sanitary towels. It’s quite satisfying. Animalistic. Natural. Almost regal. I bet, if I sat in the middle of a gallery, people would say I was an amazing feminist performance-art piece.
How comes, when you do really mundane things on your own, it’s not art, but as soon as you invite people to look at you doing it, it can be art? I feel like that’s a rule that should change. I can be art right here, right now. I can be still, unthinking, unfeeling art. Some might say I was just a person sitting and staring into space on a toilet, but they would be wrong.
posted by EditingEmma 17.49
Mum and her stupid bladder interrupted my art.
posted by EditingEmma 19.05
You know what else I’m sick of? SHAVING MY LEGS. Why must I shave my legs in order to feel attractive? Boys don’t have to. Stupid, horrible boys like Paolo can be as hairy as they like and people actively LIKE it. You know what I want to do… Reclaim leg hair for women!!! I’m going to grow it out, and really make myself see it as fine. You know why, because it should be fine. There is absolutely no reason for it not to be fine. It’s just a stupid decision that society has m
ade, and I can just as well un-make it.
posted by EditingEmma 20.36
Sitting in my room, willing my leg hair to grow faster so that I can start liking it.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Sum total of my day: sat on a toilet for an hour for no reason. Watched my leg hair grow. I suppose it could be worse.
Steph Brent @Brentsy
@Em_Nasher You’re not supposed to admit these things on social media
Monday, 22 September
posted by EditingEmma 08.35
All Dates Should Come With A Reference
Steph sat down next to me.
‘I told my sister about you and Paolo,’ she said.
‘What did she say?’
‘She laughed and said, and I quote – “Next time you rifle through my acquaintances looking for someone to rub up against, just ask me and I’ll tell you which ones are dicks.”’
‘Noted.’
posted by EditingEmma 10.20
In Art
I dropped a pencil on the floor and Ms McElroy came and stood beside me. She put her hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Every time you drop a pencil, it dies.’
Then she floated off to stare out the window. Probably having a moment of silence for the dead pencil.
posted by EditingEmma 14.46
I forgot to ask my mum to sign my work report, and Crazy Holly offered to do it because she ‘forges signatures all the time’. I’m just about to hand it in when I look down at the signature she did…
Oh God.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Would anyone buy that my mum’s signature was ‘Emma’s Mum’?
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
If I slide it over to Ms Parker, keep talking & maintain freakish eye contact maybe she won’t notice…?
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
SUCCESS!!! Can’t believe that worked @HoHoHo
Holly Barnet @HoHoHo
@Em_Nasher Told you I’m a pro
posted by EditingEmma 18.33
At Home
I turned down my music a little and heard this sort of wailing noise coming from downstairs. I thought, what is that? Is Mum singing? Has she stubbed her toe? I went downstairs to investigate and Mum had her arms around this thing in a blanket. I thought for a moment she had uncharacteristically taken in a stray animal, but the thing turned out to be Steph.
‘I found her on the doorstep,’ Mum explained.
‘You are making impossibly inhuman sounds. What happened??’
‘I, I… he…’
‘I’ll make tea.’ Mum nodded sternly.
It turns out that on Saturday night Jonno went to a party and got with some girl. Andy saw and told Gracie.
‘Oh no, you had to hear it from Gracie.’
‘She was actually sort of nice about it. But she took AGES to build up to it, like she was announcing the winner of The X Factor. And I was the loser to be pitied.’
Steph has stopped crying now. She actually seems OK, except Jonno won’t stop phoning her.
‘I’m not answering,’ declared Steph. ‘I sent him a message saying this wasn’t how I wanted to be treated, and he’s made his choice.’
‘What did he say?’
‘That he didn’t think we were “official” yet, so he thought it would be fine. Which I suppose is true. But I think if you like someone enough, you just don’t get with someone else.’
She looked down at her phone in horror.
‘Oh my God, he’s outside.’
posted by EditingEmma 18.57
Steph came back in.
‘He’s gone now.’
‘What happened?!’
‘He was all upset and asking me to be “official” now, and I said no.’
‘Good!’
‘Eventually he got me to agree to think about it. But all the time he kept running his hands through his hair, and I re-noticed what a small head he has and knew that it was over.’
posted by EditingEmma 22.53
Still thinking about what happened with Jonno and Steph. Why does she always go for the Jonnos of the world?? (The boys who are nice-looking but not very nice?)
It sort of made me want to start up my internet mission again, but then I remembered my date with Paolo and the ‘maybe you weren’t drunk enough’ message.
Tuesday, 23 September
posted by EditingEmma 11.17
I’m Sad To Say, Steph Has Joined My Ranks
I looked over at Steph just as she was stalking the girl that Jonno got with, and I felt a stab of anger. She should not be thinking about this girl. She should not be comparing herself to her, wondering whether she’s funnier or smarter…
‘Steph, stop this,’ I said.
‘You were on Anna’s profile about five minutes ago.’
‘Yes, well… You’re better than that.’
‘No I’m not.’
‘You are. You’re strong.’
‘Tell you what. I’ll stop, when you hide Anna AND Leon from your feed.’
We both know that’s definitely never going to happen as I don’t have the strength, willpower or self-respect and on some level seem to actually enjoy torturing myself. But I don’t want Steph to become like me.
posted by EditingEmma 13.53
Lunchtime Motivation
‘How’s your double life going, Emma?’ asked Faith.
‘Huh?’
‘How did it go with the Italian boy?’
‘Oh. Er. It… went.’
‘That means it went badly,’ said Gracie.
‘Thanks for translating. Yes, it went badly.’
‘Why?’
‘Well, I got a message from him saying that maybe I needed to drink more.’
‘Nooooo!!!’
Told Faith and Gracie all about the evening and how flat it was (and loyal Steph, who had to hear the story for the millionth time but politely feigned an unwavering interest). I actually feel a lot better.
Faith said, ‘It sounds like he’s the boring one.’
‘I think some boys never admit to themselves that it might be their fault in any way. Or just… that a girl doesn’t like them. I mean, if a girl isn’t attracted to them, instantly there’s something wrong with her. One time this boy tried to kiss me and I didn’t want to, and he made me feel like I was really uptight,’ said Gracie.
‘Or they call you a lesbian,’ added Steph, ‘because, of course, if you don’t like them, you must not like any boy.’
‘And they say “lesbian” in a derogatory way, like it’s something inferior. Like women turn to other women because they can’t get a guy. Paolo sounds like one of those. I don’t think you want to be wasting your time with him,’ said Faith.
‘No… I don’t,’ I said.
And I really meant it.
posted by EditingEmma 15.07
In Maths
My friends are completely right. In all this, I was so focused on how he perceived me that it’s overtaken how I perceived him. And he didn’t exactly come off well. I know I fibbed about a few things here and there (ability to do sports… age) but nothing that actually had any bearing on my real, core personality. And who doesn’t fib a bit online, anyway?? Mum once told me every single man on this dating website had clicked ‘average/tall’ for their height. Not ONE short guy on the whole site?? I think not.
And OK, so I did feel more confident online… but who doesn’t?! Hidden away behind a screen in the comfort of your own room in your pants is very different to having someone stare right at you across a table.
Reasons The Gig With Paolo Was Just As Much His Fault As Mine
He Was Firing Questions Like He Was Alan Sugar
I felt like I was in an interview or something. That is no way to date… It’s not like you have to learn everything about the person straight away, surely you just want to see whether you get on?!
Being Judgemental
When I said something he didn’t like he just made me feel really bad and inferior. Even wh
en I thought my date with Laurence Myer was going terribly, I was still… friendly. You just have to be polite and get on with it.
Suggesting A Gig In the First Place
It isn’t just me because I’m deaf. No one can have conversations at a gig.
Reasons the Date Was No One’s Fault
Some people just don’t click. If you hadn’t heard, dating is notoriously difficult.
Conclusion: I DO NOT NEED TO DRINK ALCOHOL TO MAKE MYSELF INTERESTING.
posted by EditingEmma 18.39
Just When You Think You’re OK With Your Mum…
I came in the door, put my bag down, and took off my shoes. Then I went to the toilet. As I was coming out, Mum ran out of her room screaming,
‘You’re so RUDE, Emma!!! What did I ever do to raise such a rude girl!’
‘I… What?!’
She came up really close to my face.
‘I exist, Emma. I EXIST just as much as you do!!’
Then she ran back into her room and slammed the door. I could hear loud sobbing coming from her room. Eventually, I thought I’d better go and see what I’d done, so I crept over to her door and knocked…
‘Mum… Mum, it’s me…Can I come in?’
I went in anyway. Mum was sitting on the floor in a little ball.
‘Mum, if I’ve done something to upset you, I’m sorry. But could you tell me what it is?’
She sniffled.
‘You never say hello to me when you come in. You treat me like I’m not even here.’
Is she serious?
‘Are you serious? I’d literally taken my shoes off and gone for a pee.’
‘Get out!!! Just GET OUT!!!!’
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Almost 7 and Mum hasn’t emerged from her room. Hmm. Getting a bit hungry. I wonder if… I should make something for dinner?
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
I’m DOING it. It will be excellent practice for when I’m a real person and ‘have friends over for dinner’ at my own house
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Which, given what I’m always hearing about ‘current house prices in London’ will probably be never
posted by EditingEmma 19.38
Bolognese By Disgustingly, Emma
Chop the vegetables.