by Chloe Seager
Put the pasta on.
The pasta will be done and the Bolognese will lag behind somewhat.
The pasta will form a GIANT PASTA LUMP.
Add the Bolognese to the lump.
You think maybe it will taste better than it looks, but no.
I definitely shouldn’t start a food blog.
When I called Mum down for dinner, she came into the kitchen, took one look at the pasta lump and just burst into tears. Is she crying because I did a nice thing? Or at the thought of eating it? Maybe it’s because she’s raised an almost-adult-human who can’t even make pasta; a sad reality for which I do blame her entirely.
posted by EditingEmma 22.37
Mum is sitting in the darkness listening to Joy Division. I want to ask her to turn it down as it’s really bumming me out, but I don’t want to get attacked again.
I went into her room.
‘Mum, do you want to talk about it?’ I said cautiously.
‘It’s just… you’re all grown up and it would be nice to have someone solid in my life,’ she murmured.
‘I know.’
‘My best friends can’t even catch their bloody flights to see me.’
‘I’m not sure it’s fair to generalise using Heather as an example.’
posted by EditingEmma 23.05
I’m feeling motivated to continue with my resolutions tomorrow. This is partly because Steph and Mum are both upset again about relationship stuff. Partly because I’m not going to let someone like Paolo stop me. And a little bit because – confession – I actually thought, or hoped, or something… in some small, irrational part of my brain, that tweeting about cooking alone might make Leon come over again. Like he did last time. But he didn’t. Obviously. What did I think, he was going to say, ‘Hey, sorry about the last three months, let me help you chop some leeks’?? We’re not there any more and it’s time to move on.
Tomorrow, I will venture once more into the dark recesses of the interweb to do just that.
Wednesday, 24 September
posted by EditingEmma 07.34
Experiment 3: Back To It – Because I Am Beyoncé
Right. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day. Today, I am going to be ENTIRELY MYSELF online.
Or at least a version of myself that is vaguely sustainable in reality.
I am taking a step forwards… hmm… What step exactly? What is my next step going to be?
posted by EditingEmma 11.05
Leg Hair Watch
‘Emma, why do you keep itching your legs?’ Steph asked.
‘I’m feeling the prickles.’
‘Ew,’ said Gracie.
‘It’s actually a very important thought experiment, Gracie.’
‘Go on,’ said Steph.
‘So, as you know, at the weekend I decided to grow it.’
‘Mm,’ she said, like she didn’t really remember at all.
‘Because I want to change my attitude towards it. But if I’m going to change my attitude towards said hair, I need to interact with it.’
‘You mean, stroke yourself like a weirdo.’
‘Every time I brush the hair I naturally shudder, but then really try to put that to one side, and enjoy the feel of it on my hand. Essentially, I’m rejecting my own rejection of leg hair.’
Gracie looked like she might vomit.
‘If I were a guy,’ I went on, ‘you’d react like that if I had shaved my legs.’
‘Yes,’ she said.
‘Is that not weird to you?’
‘You’re weird to me.’
‘So what… you’re just… never going to shave again?’ interjected Steph.
‘Never.’
‘What about when we go on holiday?’
‘I will walk proud.’
‘What about when you want to lose your virginity?’
‘If he minds then he doesn’t deserve my virginity. I’m very passionate about this, Steph.’
‘I give it a week.’
posted by EditingEmma 13.06
Faith Withholds Important Information
Me, Faith and Gracie were just on our way to lunch when this boy in Upper Sixth, Alex Griffin, walked past us and waved at Faith. Gracie and I turned to her in shock.
‘You know Alex Griffin?!’ I demanded.
‘Er… yes.’
‘Alex Griffin in the year above us? Attractive Alex Griffin? Alex Griffin who played Hamlet last term?’
‘Yes. The very same Alex Griffin.’
‘WHAT?! Since when?!’
‘Jeez, sorry I have other friends, Emma.’
‘No, I mean actually since when.’
‘Er, since we were born?’
I digested this news.
‘Are you telling me Alex Griffin is one of your “family friends”.’
‘Yes.’
‘And whenever you go to one of your “family friends” gatherings, they involve Alex Griffin? Alex Griffin is present?’
‘Yes.’
‘I don’t believe this.’
‘I guess I don’t find him as exciting as you do. What with liking women, and having seen him poo himself.’
‘Ew,’ said Gracie.
‘How can you not have mentioned this?!’
‘If you suddenly care so much about my family friends’ gatherings, Emma, why don’t you ask me about them next time.’
Really, the depth of some people’s selfishness is astounding.
posted by EditingEmma 13.41
At the lunch table, I carried on waving my bone around and barking.
‘So, Faith, what’s he like?’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Nice.’
‘And?’
‘Why don’t you speak to him and find out yourself.’
‘I’d love to.’
‘If I give you his number, will you stop talking about this?’
‘Er… yes.’
‘Promise?’
‘Yes.’
‘Right. Here it is.’
She put it in my phone. We were silent for a moment.
‘Can I really just… message him?’
She dropped her head onto the table. ‘Ughhh. You promised.’
‘All right, all right. Sorry.’
posted by EditingEmma 15.05
Decision Made
Steph always knows exactly what to do:
Steph, can I really just message him out of the blue? 14.49
Go forth. Be brave. Be bold. 14.50
Also if he doesn’t reply then you can always pretend it was a prank 14.50
Ingenious!! 14.51
posted by EditingEmma 18.06
Sitting staring at my phone. I have a message all typed out:
Hi Alex. My name’s Emma Nash in the year below, I’m friends with Faith. Anyway I hope you don’t think this is weird but she gave me your number and I just wanted to say hi – really liked your performance as Hamlet. I cried. You were great. x
Too formal? I think so.
Hi Alex. I’m Emma in the year below, I’m friends with Faith. Anyway I hope you don’t think this is weird but she gave me your number and I just wanted to say hi – really liked your performance as Hamlet. I cried. You were great. x
Maybe don’t tell him that I cried. A bit fan-girlish. I should probably lose the word ‘weird’ too. That will imply that I am weird and seed it in his brain. I have no need to justify myself. I’m messaging him because I want to message him, and that’s OK.
Hi Alex. I’m Emma in the year below, I’m friends with Faith.
I hope you don’t mind but she gave me your number and I just wanted to say hi. How are you? x
There. One confident, casual message born of nerves and fretting. To send or not to send, that is the question…
posted by EditingEmma 18.35
‘Steph, I SENT IT.’
‘OHMYGOD. What?!’
‘What do you mean WHAT?! You told me to!!!’
‘Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d actually do it.’
She’s
so supportive.
posted by EditingEmma 18.51
Oh God. Now the waiting. This is awful. I’m just staring at my phone, lying on the bed. It’s sort of like tweeting a slightly risqué joke that you’re not entirely sure you can pull off, and waiting to see if anyone validates it with a like. Except a thousand times more nerve-wracking. And you can’t delete it. THERE IS NO GOING BACK.
Mum popped her head round the door. ‘You’re being awfully quiet… What are you doing?’
‘Research.’
She snorted.
‘I am, actually, Mother. Very important research.’
‘Don’t even think about using my debit card. I’ll see it on my statement if you do,’ she warned darkly, retreating from the room.
Yes, but three months later you wouldn’t have a clue whether it was you or not, would you? That’s why normal people have online banking.
posted by EditingEmma 19.22
He’s Replied
He’s replied. He’srepliedhe’srepliedhe’srepliedhe’sreplied.
Oh hi yeah I,’ve seen u around. I’m gd thanks, u? 19.19
SUCCESS! I mean, he abbreviated ‘good’ to ‘gd’ and ‘you’ to ‘u’ but no one’s perfect.
posted by EditingEmma 21.27
I Am Completely Useless: A Realisation
Been messaging back and forth for a little while. Then Alex asked:
So what kinda stuff do u like doing?!? 20.59
Hmmm. OK, so not pretending that I’m into water sports this time. Right, so, the truth, yes… The truth.
Oh my God. What AM I into?!?! I have ZERO special talents or skills. I can’t even cook pasta.
I stomped downstairs to the living room.
‘Mum, WHY didn’t you make me keep going to football with Steph? Or guitar? Or swimming?!’
‘Because you didn’t want to.’
‘Well, that’s just not good enough, is it!! Where do you think Britney Spears would be now if her mum hadn’t pushed her to keep singing at a young age?!’
‘Probably a lot calmer, happier and more stable.’
‘Who the hell cares about that?!’
‘You were a very stubborn child. You used to stage naked protests.’
‘I… what?!’
‘You’d take off your clothes and say ‘I can’t go, I’m naked.’ Then if I ever managed to get you there, fully clothed, you’d take them off again. Most of the classes asked me not to bring you back.’
If I’m honest…watching TV. I’m really good at it, too. What about you? 21.10
I’m an unaccomplished, talentless drone, with a penchant for taking off my clothes in public. Take it or leave it.
Me toooo! And video games. 21.12
Hmm. That didn’t go too badly.
I hope you don’t think I’m lame but you have really pretty eyes :) 21.19
The memory of Leon telling me that I have pretty eyes and making me walk around with my eyes closed, because it wasn’t fair on all the other eyes, drifts through my mind… Then he kissed each eyelid and slowly down my face, to my mouth…
Can’t do any more of this today. Shoved my phone in my drawer. I’m going to go and have a good cry to some dramatic music. Maybe Kate Bush.
Thursday, 25 September
posted by EditingEmma 08.58
Faith’s Family is NOT Religious (And They Still Maybe Mind Her Being Gay)
I was walking to Chapel with Faith, and she dropped a bombshell.
‘Faith, do you think you’d still be afraid to tell your parents you were gay if they weren’t Catholic?’
‘My parents aren’t Catholic.’
‘What? What do you mean?’
‘They’re not Catholic.’
‘What are they then??’
‘Nothing, really. They go to church sometimes but I’m not sure if they actually believe.’
‘Then why are you and your sister called Faith and Hope?!’
‘They just liked the names.’
‘Well this is a bit of a shock, Faith. First, you’re friends with Alex Griffin, now you’re not Catholic.’
‘I can’t believe you thought I was CATHOLIC… Oh my God.’
Silence.
‘Is that why you asked my dad if he used to dream of being the Pope?!’
posted by EditingEmma 11.15
The Subtle, Coded Communication That is ‘Eye Contact’ Alex Griffin is on the other side of the Sixth Form Centre, playing pool with his friends, and we KEEP making meaningful eye contact.
‘Why don’t you go over and say hi?’ asked Gracie.
‘I don’t need to, Gracie, we’re saying so much already.’
‘Like what?’ she asked, genuinely interested. She has so much to learn from me.
‘OK, so, earlier, one of the girls he was playing leant across him and he looked at me as if to say, “Don’t worry, she’s just a friend.”’
‘Right.’
‘And all the other looks have basically just meant… I fancy you. But deeper than that.’
Gracie looked over at Alex.
‘Are you sure it doesn’t just mean that you’re looking at him, so he looks back at you?’
I sighed. ‘Of course, not everyone can communicate in this way. You have to be a natural, like moi.’
posted by EditingEmma 18.15
Should I add Alex on Facebook? I mean, we’re already speaking on WhatsApp, but Facebook friending is sort of taking things to the next level. It’s basically the real world.
Making the move…
posted by EditingEmma 20.35
Hmm, my Friend Request has still not been accepted. So he’s no Laurence Myer, then.
posted by EditingEmma 22.04
Friend Request accepted!!! He’s online. Is he going to say hello…? If only there was some kind of messenger that notified you when people logged on and off. Is it worth a shot anyway?
Logging on.
Logging off.
Logging on…
Nothing. Hmm. I may have to rethink my strategy. This would be so much easier if we actually had the same circle of online friends. Then I could like loads of things, and it would come up in his most recent activity.
. . . Though we do have one mutual friend I can think of…
posted by EditingEmma 22.29
Faith:
I don’t know what you’re doing or why but STOP hounding me with notifications 22.17
FINE. Who else are we mutually friends with…? Hmm. A few people from the year above… Eeny meeny… miny… moe. Sorry, Steven Lucy, prepare to be inundated with unwanted attention.
posted by EditingEmma 22.55
For the past five minutes I’ve been liking EVERYTHING on Steven Lucy’s page. It is almost exclusively stuff about sea life (did you know scientists have discovered the first bio-fluorescent reptile?) but still I am met with SILENCE. Zero. Squat. I’m actually feeling quite rejected. Did our loaded glances across the Sixth Form Centre mean nothing to him?!
Evidence: It is much harder to catch people’s attention online than in the real world, without being able to physically place yourself in their field of vision.
posted by EditingEmma 22.59
Steven: Hi ;)
NO STEVEN. YOU ARE THE BAIT, NOT THE FISH.
posted by EditingEmma 23.07
I’m actually feeling a little hurt. I added him, so I categorically CANNOT be the one to say hello. There is an etiquette in internet socialising and that would definitely be going against the rules. I am aware that relentlessly stalking our mutual friends in the hopes that he’ll see my name come up and speak to me is more desperate than just saying hello in the first place, but no one knows about that. You can do whatever you want as long as people don’t know.
Friday, 26 September
posted by EditingEmma 10.13
Possibly The Most Insulting Thing Anyone’s Ever Said To Me ‘If I were a Pokemon, what do you think I’d be?’ chimed Steph.
‘Umm… Flareon.’
&n
bsp; She shone with pride.
‘What about me?’
‘Jigglypuff.’
‘What, a pink, useless ball?!’
‘Well…’
‘I can’t believe I gave you Flareon and you’re giving me Jigglypuff.’
‘All right, you’d be Ninetales.’
‘No, no, it’s too late now.’
I will never get over this.
posted by EditingEmma 11.02
Message from Alex asking me what I was up to. It felt a little anticlimactic after all last night’s efforts. I suppose I might have been excited about it, if it wasn’t written like ‘wuu2?’ and if Leon hadn’t walked past arm in arm with Apple at that exact moment.
posted by EditingEmma 11.14
Messaged Alex back and asked if he wanted to meet up this weekend. He said:
OK. I could come to the park by my house. 10.59
Hmm. Not exactly brimming with enthusiasm, I’ll admit… But then, neither am I. I’m getting the vibe that Alex is not going to meet the criteria I originally set out (‘an at least 50 per cent functional relationship’). So really it just depends how desperate I am for some seedy physical contact in a park.
posted by EditingEmma 13.58
Quite desperate, apparently. I just replied and said yes. But I did think about it for at least eleven minutes.
posted by EditingEmma 15.50
Online Stalking When Someone’s in the Room: Acceptable or Not?
So I’m in FT. Apple is also in the room…baking and giggling and chatting. I can see people nodding emphatically at whatever she’s saying. I started stalking her on my phone and occasionally looking up to stare at the back of her head, but then I started to feel like Glenn Close, sitting turning a light switch on, and off, and on, and off…
Why does it feel OK to stalk someone on the internet when they’re not in the room, but not OK if they are in the room? It’s exactly the same action. Really, when you think about it, it changes nothing whether she’s in the room or not.
Logically, I see no reason to not continue stalking.
posted by EditingEmma 00.51
Actual Stalking: Definitely Not Acceptable
I was just drifting off to sleep… When Mum came crashing through the door.
‘Are you dressed?’
‘What?’
‘Are you decent?’
‘Yes, I’m wearing a ball gown under here.’
‘Oh, shut up.’
‘Why??’