by Chloe Seager
And then:
Do you want to go for a coffee tomorrow after school? x 23.29
OK sure. Where shall I meet you? 23.32
I’ll come to pick you up after school? See you 4.00? x 23.33
OK, see you then. Night. X 23.34
Thursday, 2 October
posted by EditingEmma 07.34
Woke up and remembered that I basically sleepwalked myself into a date today. Huh.
posted by EditingEmma 11.16
Confusing Feelings For Older Men
Mr Allen was talking about his time in a Buddhist retreat in India really passionately. Now there is a man who feels things deeply. I considered my feelings for him a little while. He half makes me want to take my top off and lie out before him on the desk, and he half terrifies me and makes me want to wrap myself in bundles of cotton wool. He also sort of makes me want to sit on his knee and receive lots of praise for my homework, but let’s not explore that too much.
posted by EditingEmma 13.15
I paid lots of attention in French today. If I’m going to be a big star in the world of design and fly over to Paris Fashion Week, I’m going to need to know French. I haven’t thought about my ‘coffee date’ much. Probably because it definitely can’t go any worse than the last one. Although, that’s what I thought about meeting Alex, and that really was worse than the date with Paolo.
But at least I have seen and spoken with Greg, and ascertained that he is not a child in disguise.
posted by EditingEmma 16.02
The bell went two minutes ago and Mr Crispin is still talking. What’s wrong with him!!! Does he think he’s teaching a class of people who don’t have lives?? Who are here voluntarily??! I’ve packed up all my things and am standing by the door with my hand hovering over the handle.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Freedom!!! I can’t believe I lost three minutes of valuable time talking about triangles
posted by EditingEmma 16.11
At the Gates
I sort of wish everyone was still around to see me getting into an older boy’s car. What’s the point of doing something cool if you don’t have an audience? It would be like having a really, really funny thought and then not tweeting it.
posted by EditingEmma 19.58
Date Number 4
When Greg’s car rolled up I was incredibly relieved that the gates were deserted. It’s this sort of pea-green box-shaped thing that looks like it might collapse any second. There were bits of dirty smoke coming out of the back pipe.
He rolled down the window, (manually, of course)…
Finally, after about a year of rolling, his face appeared through the cloud of pollution.
‘Are you going to get in?’
I don’t know, am I? I thought. Is this coffee worth risking my life? I concluded no, but sheer awkwardness pushed me on. I tried not to imagine what Mum would say if she saw. I told her I was at home watching Deal or No Deal.
We drove along, very slowly. The engine was making questionable noises and I was beginning to long for Noel Edmonds’ face. (You really have got to admire a man who can fake enthusiasm hundreds of times for people opening boxes at random, pretending like there are lots of different ‘methods’.)
I realised that Greg and I hadn’t spoken in twenty seconds, so I said this to him.
‘Oh, I applied for that,’ he said.
Of course he did.
Once we parked the ‘car’, we took a stroll along… my high street!! What an exciting destination. I probably could have walked there faster.
‘Where do you want to go?’ I asked.
‘I thought we’d go to Costa?’ he replied.
‘Costa? I don’t think there’s a Costa on this road…’
‘There is.’
‘I’ve lived here all my life, and I’ve never seen it…’
Then Waitrose loomed in front of us and Greg started walking in. Is he taking me shopping? I wondered. Am I going to hold the sack of potatoes whilst he scouts for a good bit of chicken breast? Then I saw. There’s a small Costa at the back of Waitrose. Greg looked very smug, like he’d won a game. Five minutes later, we were wedged in between an old couple ‘taking time out from the frantic shop floor’ and a middle-aged man explaining to his wife how cucumber had never ‘agreed’ with him. Whatever this was, it definitely wasn’t winning.
Then came the strange part. Despite being in the middle of a supermarket, fearing running into my friends’ parents or, worse, my mum, we actually started getting along. Maybe the surroundings were so bleak I forgot to be nervous.
‘So wait, you broke your arm three times in six months?!’
‘Yes. I swear!’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘It was my mum’s fault.’
‘What? She pushed you down the stairs?’
‘She cut dairy out of our diet. She’s a massive hypochondriac so she sometimes picks up the Daily Mail for affirmation. It said that there was “new evidence to suggest dairy gives you cancer”.’
‘The Daily Mail says everything gives you cancer.’
‘Well I know that.’
‘So how did your breaks happen?’
‘Oh… you know…’
Trying to pick up a bag with my foot, and falling over.
Doing an overly complicated clappy-hands game with Steph, and falling over.
Rolling around on the floor pretending to be ‘en-sausaged’ and squishing my hand under my arse.
‘… sports injuries, mostly.’
He nodded.
(I know, I know. I said I was going to be completely myself from now on, but there’s definitely a fine, but very important line between being yourself and too much yourself.)
I can’t remember the rest of our conversation in detail but I know that it barely stopped flowing, once we got started… Then suddenly I saw the time.
‘CRAP. I have to go.’
Greg drove me home as fast as he could (which wasn’t very fast). The whole time I was praying that Mum wasn’t back and watching out the window for me. I made Greg park on the road next to us, which I told him was our road. I was going to explain, but then saying, ‘Oh, could you just secretly drop me round the corner because I’m actually grounded and if my mum sees me out in a boy’s car she might implode.’ seemed like it might highlight our age difference.
‘So, which one’s your house?’ he asked.
‘Er. …that one.’ I pointed to some random house.
‘OK, well, bye, Emma.’
‘Bye, Greg.’
Are we going to kiss?
‘We should do this again.’
‘Yes… definitely.’
How long are you supposed to wait for a kiss to happen, before leaving?
Then his head whacked me in the face. It was nice, I think. At least, I wasn’t thinking about getting stabbed in the bum this time. Although my head is throbbing a little bit from where he crashed into me.
When I got out of the car, he didn’t immediately drive off. It dawned on me that he was one of those people who waits to see that someone’s gone inside, and my heart sank. I was going to have to walk up to the house I pointed at. The next five minutes went like this:
Maybe if I walk really, really slowly he’ll get bored.
GO HOME, GREG.
Oh God. Walking up to the front door of no.17 Mornington Road.
I hope they don’t have a dog.
Mock fumbling for keys.
Mock can’t find them.
Oh, gonna have to pretend to ring the bell…
Then Greg rang me from the car, a puzzled expression on his face.
‘Are you all right?’
‘Yes… forgotten my keys but it’s OK, my mum’s just about to let me in. I think she’s just getting out of the bath. You can go.’
‘OK then. Bye, Emma.’
‘Bye!’
I waved cheerily as he drove away, and waited until his car turned the corner before I bolted.
<
br /> After all that, I might not have bothered. Mum still isn’t back anyway.
posted by EditingEmma 21.38
When your mum is always out and you’re at home watching Gilmore Girls and drinking your ninth cup of tea it’s pretty sad.
Thoughts on Gilmore Girls
This show would be nothing without Kirk.
Why does everyone think Rory’s so nice? She clearly isn’t.
Why is Lorelai so mean about her parents? They’re not even that bad.
Oh God. They’re starting to annoy me as much as my own family members. Maybe I’ve watched it too many times?
Not possible.
posted by EditingEmma 22.20
Mum came in.
‘Did you have a date? How was it?’
‘Oh… only all right.’
‘Do you think you’ll see him again?’
‘No. Why bother?’
‘Not Olly?’
‘No… not Olly.’
‘Well, you look lovely.’
She smiled.
Friday 3rd October
posted by EditingEmma 08.40
Woke up this morning to a really intense message from Greg.
Miss you already when can I see you?xx 07.23
Woahhh. Way too much for this early in the morning. And this early in the relationship. If you could even call it that. I’m in registration now, avoiding replying.
‘So my parents said I could have a party for my birthday,’ Gracie announced.
‘Didn’t they say that about a month ago?’ I asked.
‘Yeah, but I had to check everyone could come before I invited people.’
‘Isn’t checking that people can come sort of the same as inviting them?’
‘No. Because when some people couldn’t come I moved the date. Three times.’
She never asked me whether I could come…
Who are these mysterious people that she will move party dates around for??
posted by EditingEmma 10.21
In Art
‘Faith, did Gracie clear party dates with you?’
‘Yeah. Why?’
Mystery solved.
posted by EditingEmma 13.48
Lunchtime
Gracie continued to spread her joyous news.
‘Steph, I’m having a birthday party the weekend after next. It’s an under-the-sea theme.’
‘I thought your birthday was ages ago?’
‘It was,’ I said, ‘but she had to wait until Faith could make it.’
Gracie went all pink. ‘And other people.’
Then she got out her guest list. I looked at Steph. She looked at me.
‘This has twenty people on it,’ I said.
‘Yes.’ Gracie nodded.
‘Including Boring Susan,’ I continued.
‘Yes? So?’
‘Nothing.’
Pause.
‘Was Boring Susan one of the other people you checked could make it before me?’
She rolled her eyes.
‘So where did Greg take you?’
‘Costa.’
‘There’s no… Wait. Do you mean the Costa at the back of Waitrose?’
‘He sent me a really full-on message this morning,’ I said, changing the subject as Gracie smirked away.
‘Let’s see!!’ cried Steph, looking at my phone. ‘Wow, bit intense.’
‘It is, isn’t it?’
‘Kind of sweet though. You should see him tonight.’
‘Bit soon, isn’t it?’
‘I guess. What else are you doing?’
‘Point taken.’
Tonight?x 13.32
Ooo miss spontaneous. I’ll come get you at 7ish?xx 13.33
I don’t think it was so much spontaneous as it was realising I had nothing to do on a Friday night except wait for Mum to get in from salsa.
posted by EditingEmma 15.08
The Enigma of Manic Messagers
Those weirdly impressive people who, somehow, never ever run out of things to say over their phone. Greg keeps messaging me things like… ‘Lol wait until you get to apply for uni, it’s so stresssfulllll’ and ‘ahhh kill me maths is so boring’ and ‘Lol my friend Jim is choking on a bit of apple.’ Has he forgotten we’re going to see each other later? Surely we’re going to have nothing left to say? Why must we be in constant contact?
Why isn’t he helping Jim, choking to death beside him, instead of messaging me about it?
posted by EditingEmma 15.43
‘You should invite him to Gracie’s party!!’ exclaimed Steph.
Gracie looked up and said, ‘Oh, no, don’t. It would be awkward. I don’t think my brother’s really friends with him.’
I ignored Gracie and invited him. OK, so it’s not technically my house to invite people to, but technically it’s not really hers either. If she wants to get her parents, the legal homeowners, to ring me and tell me I can’t bring him… well, then that would be a different story.
posted by EditingEmma 23.03
Back from Greg’s house now, which was mostly spent making out on Greg’s bed. I have three things which I want to discuss:
Love vs Being Horny
I’m still not 100 per cent sure how I feel about Greg, but I was getting ridiculously horny. More than when I was with Leon. Is that weird? Kissing Leon was kind of like kissing an angel. It felt like some other-worldly, sublime, sacred experience and it was all about how my heart and soul were feeling. My vagina didn’t get much of a look in. But now it’s all about the vagina. Can there be both?
Picturing One Person When You’re Kissing Another
I realise I need to stop thinking about Leon when I’m kissing someone else. My brain’s going, STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. But sometimes he just creeps in. It’s a very odd experience. If you get way too into it and then open your eyes, it’s quite surprising.
Dating Older Boys
It’s becoming clear to me that there are things they will never understand. My first clue was when we were watching Adventure Time and Greg started trying to get me to go upstairs.
‘But… your mum’s in.’
‘So?’
And then we went. And his mother didn’t burst out of the kitchen with a STOP sign or a fire extinguisher. Huh.
Later on I said, ‘You should probably take me home now.’
‘What?! It’s only nine!’
‘Yes, but my mum will be back soon.’
He was baffled.
‘So?’
Then I was baffled.
He drove me home, and we sat outside (the wrong house) in the car. He seemed all ‘hurt’ by me going home, as if it was my choice. It was then that I concluded I’d rather make it look like my choice than him think I’m some little girl who has to do what her mum tells her all the time, so I sort of… went with it.
‘Bye then,’ he whimpered, looking all sad.
‘Bye, see you Sunday,’ I said and climbed out with purpose, as if I’d got really important things to be getting on with. I think it worked, because now he keeps messaging me like, ‘I know you’re really busy, but…’ and all I’m doing is looking at the Style section on Zoella’s blog, and pondering whether I should wear more hats.
Saturday, 4 October
posted by EditingEmma 16.07
Took another trip to Cloth House and bought a selection of different materials. I’m going to have A MILLION blanky dresses. I’m making a ‘toile’ this time because I’m fancy and experienced, now.
posted by EditingEmma 23.47
Coming Out Is Easier Said Than Done
We went round to Faith’s house earlier. Every time you turn a corner something wedding-y leaps out at you. Hope was in the living room flicking through a bridal magazine.
‘Emma!’ she said, turning the page towards me. ‘You’re good with fashion. What’s your opinion on veils?’
‘Pretty, but given they were originally used to wrap women up like presents, questionable.’
‘Uh
-huh.’
Upstairs, I found Steph waggling her phone at Faith… her new victim.
‘Don’t you want to play with it even a little bit??’ she nagged.
‘Not especially. You’ve got it set to “woman looking for man” which makes it significantly less fun for me.’
‘Well, we’d change that, duh.’
‘Look, I don’t want to think about it. I’m going to be alone for ever. Can we drop it now?’
‘I heard Boring Susan got with a girl at Abby Matthews’ party at the beginning of summer,’ suggested Gracie.
‘Boring Susan?!’ exclaimed Faith. ‘You’re giving me BORING SUSAN?!’
‘Well, I was just saying…’
‘Just because two people are both gay, doesn’t mean they automatically like each other. That would be like me trying to pawn you off with… Willie Thomas, just because he’s a guy.’
Gracie’s lip wobbled. We were all a little awkward for a moment… it’s usually Faith who lightens the atmosphere, but she was still staring at Gracie incredulously.
‘Is Boring Susan really the only other lesbian in our year?’ Steph said, breaking the silence.
‘She’s not necessarily a lesbian. She just got with a girl,’ I answered.
‘Jess said she has a bunch of friends who are only just coming out as bi or gay now, and she’s twenty, so I suppose there probably are other lesbians, they just don’t know it yet.’
‘They know it. They just haven’t accepted it yet,’ said Faith, bitterly. ‘God, I can’t wait for the day when being gay isn’t something to “accept”.’
We were silent again.
‘But don’t you think, you know, maybe trying to find other people who have accepted it… might be a good idea?’ I said, gently.
‘I can’t just date, like you guys can.’
‘Do you think your parents might see you?’
‘Maybe. Or my sister. Or one of her friends.’
‘Would they mind?’
‘No. But them finding out is one step closer to my parents finding out.’
‘Don’t you think you’re being a bit extreme?’
‘No.’
Then she, very sternly, showed us a sketch she’d been doing of a fox in her garden. Conversation closed. It’s so frustrating!! She knows who she is but she feels she has to hide it from her family. She wants a relationship but she’s not prepared to start looking for one. But she’s right. I suppose it’s easy for me to look at her and say, yes, you should start dating, you should come out to your parents, when really I have no idea what it’s like to be in her place. I guess it’s something that will only happen in her own time. But I just want her to be happy. . . It’s so, so unfair!!