by Chloe Seager
Sunday, 5 October
posted by EditingEmma 21.53
I spent the afternoon at Greg’s house and two very important things have come out of it:
1) I Am Someone’s Girlfriend
We were standing in his kitchen making toast and his mum walked in. She sort of looks like the older, female version of him, so obviously gross images of me making out with her kept coming into my head and I had to dig my nails really hard into my hand to make them stop. She was just taking off her top (in my horrible head that taunts me so) when I heard Greg say, ‘. . . my girlfriend.’
My first thought was: Would he still want me to be his ‘girlfriend’ if I told him I accidentally imagined his mother without her top on?
Then later I kept noticing that whenever I went somewhere he’d sort of… follow me. I went into the kitchen again to get a Petits Filous and he got up too. As I was opening it, he crept up and hugged me from behind. Will I ever be able to eat a Petits Filous in peace again? It was really very difficult with his arms around me. Am I allowed to tell him to get off? ‘Please leave me alone as you are hindering my yoghurt experience.’ What are the boundaries here?
I’m still not quite sure how I feel about the whole thing. Leon always left me alone to enjoy my food but then, Leon did ‘ghost’ me. I’ve been round in circles, but my conclusion is that whilst it’s a bit fast, it’s probably a nice thing.
2) My Vagina Has Been Touched by a Third Party
His hands slid downwards, and I instinctively pulled them back up… But I’m not sure why… I definitely wanted to let him…
Bedroom Thoughts
Why did I stop him, when basically all I think about is my horniness?
Am I ready?
I think I might be ready.
Screw it. I’m way too horny. Decision made. I’m putting his hands back.
Hmm. Is this enjoyable?
Not enjoyable as such. I mean, it’s OK.
Not nearly as good as when I do it myself, but OK.
Of course, the moment was slightly ruined when Mum rang in the middle reminding me that there was leftover pie in the fridge. No one wants to think about pie when a guy’s hands are in their jeans. Well . . maybe some girls who really, really like pie.
Then he drove me home and kissed me goodnight. It was a little bit awkward. And now I feel kind of sordid, even though I don’t think I have a reason to.
Or is this just the feeling of womanhood?
posted by EditingEmma 23.10
Proof the Movies Have Messed Us All Up
I always thought that the first time another person did that it would be more romantic. Although, now, thinking about it, I’m not sure why. Touching someone else’s genitals is not a particularly romantic thing to do. I told Steph about it on the phone.
‘I have been touched inappropriately by someone OTHER THAN MYSELF.’
‘Oh my God. What was it like?’
‘At times I didn’t really feel much. He may as well have been rubbing my elbow. But it was pleasant enough…Sort of like going on Rumba Rapids at Thorpe Park, instead of Stealth.’
Monday 6th October
posted by EditingEmma 13.54
Do Boys Say Things Just to Get You to Do Stuff?
I was standing by the tuck shop with Gracie, and she said, ‘Do you think that’s why he called you his girlfriend? So he could get you to do stuff?’
‘Well, now I do…’
And now it’s all I can think about. So I thought I’d just get it out in the open:
Did you call me your girlfriend so that I’d do stuff with you? 13.43
No. What the hell, Emma? I’m really hurt that you asked that. I like you. We don’t have to do stuff if you don’t want. 13.44
You don’t have to be my girlfriend if you don’t want, either… x 13.44
I do want to be :) 13.50
I think? I don’t know? I do, but I’d still rather be Leon’s girlfriend given the choice. Does that count? It has to, otherwise I’ll never be anyone’s girlfriend.
:) I’ll take you out somewhere on Friday? xx 18.51
That’s nice.
Hopefully not to the Waitrose Costa again.
posted by EditingEmma 20.03
Are Face-to-Face Break-Ups Still a Necessity?
I’ve often wondered this. People keep relationships going on video chats, but is it OK to end one on them? Laurence Myer clearly thinks not.
Laurence: So. Do we need to talk?
Emma: Sure… About what?
Laurence: Oh, well if you don’t know then I guess it doesn’t matter.
Silence.
Laurence: So who’s that guy you got into a car with?
Oh Jeez. I rang Steph.
‘Steph, I think I need to break up with Laurence Myer.’
‘But you’re not going out with Laurence Myer.’
‘Yes, but I think he thinks we’re going out.’
‘But if you break up with him then aren’t you sort of going along with it?’
‘I guess.’
‘You can’t do that. You have to let him down gently without actually conceding to a relationship status.’
‘Right. How do I do that?’
‘I have no idea.’
Laurence:?
‘How about… Laurence, the boy in the car is my boyfriend. You are not.’
‘Is that you trying to be gentle?’
‘Hmm. How about… Though I enjoyed our singular date, and thank you heartily for the Minstrels, I didn’t think we really connected. We’re very… different.’
‘Yes! That’s better! Take out the “singular”.’
‘Right. I’m going in for the kill. Ripping off the Band-Aid.’
Emma: I enjoyed our date, and thank you heartily for the Minstrels, but I feel like we’re very different.
Laurence: We both liked the film?
Emma: Oh, no, not that… Just, I felt like we didn’t really connect?
I was sweating profusely by this point. That’s when he said:
Laurence: Are you breaking up with me over the internet?
Evidence: Face-to-face break-ups are ALWAYS a necessity. Even if you have communicated with a person almost solely through the internet, it does not eliminate the need for them.
And even if you weren’t properly going out with them in the first place.
I am not proud of this, but my need to avoid awkwardness took over:
Emma: Look, you want the truth… I just thought you weren’t looking for a girlfriend, and now I’m seeing someone else
Laurence: Why did you think that?
Emma: Someone told me
Laurence: Who?
Emma: I’m afraid I can’t reveal my sources
Laurence: They lied. It’s not true
Emma: OK, well, I know that now, but I didn’t…
Laurence: OK
Emma: Gotta go byeeeee
Despite this truly stressful interaction, I am feeling a bit relieved. At least I won’t have to hide from him in the tuck shop any more or have dreams about drowning in pools of Minstrels.
Tuesday, 7 October
posted by EditingEmma 10.14
What Counts as a Break-Up?
This morning Gracie said to me, ‘You’ve kind of had your first break-up.’
‘What about Leon?’
‘Not sure a ghosting counts.’
‘But… it’s still a breakup.’
She bit her lip. ‘OK, well, you’ve had your first break-up that you initiated, then.’
posted by EditingEmma 10.38
In Maths
Crazy Holly is sitting at the front of the class on her mobile phone. Just casually chatting away whilst Mr Crispin tries to teach us about triangles… I mean, we all talk and message each other, but actually speaking on your phone is kind of taking it to a new level. He keeps glancing in her direction and says ‘hypotheses’ instead of ‘isosceles’. I put up my hand.
‘Sir, what’s a hypotheses t
riangle? You haven’t mentioned that one before.’
Five minutes later, she is still on her phone. Mr Crispin is getting more and more agitated and making less and less sense. Is he going to say something? Surely, he must have to say something this time.
We have lift off!
Mr Crispin says politely, ‘Can you stop talking, please?’
Holly looks up briefly, as if remembering where she is, and replies, ‘Sorry, sir.’
. . . And then goes instantly back to talking on her phone.
Mr Crispin sits down, apparently defeated. We hear him say, quietly, from behind his book,
‘You will be sorry.’
posted by EditingEmma 13.09
I Might Have to Have My Third Break-Up
Greg rang me at break and I made the mistake of telling him about the Laurence thing. I honestly didn’t think it would bother him. Why would it? I thought he would find it funny but he got all weird and silent and I had to keep saying, ‘Are you still there?’ ‘Are you still there?’ And he’d say, ‘Yes,’ but then not say anything else. And what I really wanted to say was, ‘OK, well if you’re not going to talk can I go and talk to my friends?’ but I sensed I should stay on the phone. Ten minutes later, he messaged me saying: ‘Might not be able to do Friday any more.’ No kiss.
Then he kept messaging me. I was so distracted in French I didn’t know whether Madame Fournier was talking about lungs or apples. He said, ‘Think you should come over tonight and talk about this?’ Talk about what? How I fake broke up with someone who I was fake going out with?
Then he said, ‘I just don’t get why you’d go along with it? You must have feelings for him.’ Jeeez.
I did ask Mum if I could go over to Greg’s tonight, and this is how it went:
Me: ‘Can I go over to Greg’s tonight? xx’
Mum: ‘No.’
Me: ‘But we have some issues to work through.’
Mum: ‘I have pie for you to work through.’
Me: ‘This is more important than pie!!’
Mum: ‘If you have issues after going out for a week, end it now.’
So I called Greg: ‘I’m really sorry, my mum says I can’t come over tonight.’
‘Oh. I see.’
‘Sorry… I can still do Friday?’
‘Don’t bother,’ he said, and hung up.
Aghh!
posted by EditingEmma 13.50
Yet More Strange Boy Behaviour
I was just innocently eating my post-lunch cookie when I turned round and Leon was standing right behind me. Watching me. I wish I could say I played it cool but he took me by surprise, and I got chocolate chip caught in my throat.
‘Did you tell Laurence that I told you he didn’t want a girlfriend?’
‘No,’ I said uncertainly, my face burning up.
‘I know you, Emma.’
‘OK…’
‘I mean…’ His cheeks flared a little, too. ‘I mean I know when you’re lying.’
‘I’m not lying.’
He just looked at me ironically. I felt my bottled-up anger rising to the surface, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of getting worked up this time. I said, in a calm and measured tone,
‘How could you have done? We’re not even speaking.’
‘That’s what I said.’
‘Good. Then you’ve answered your own question.’
He looked at me for a second, and then… he leant down and took a bite of my cookie. He TOOK A BITE OF MY COOKIE. Then he turned and walked away.
How DARE he!! Who does he think he is?! I am still RAGING about this.
posted by EditingEmma 16.45
Analysing Strange Boy Behaviour
My rage has deflated. He bit my cookie… Surely that must mean something?!
‘Steph, what do you think it means?’ I asked her earlier.
‘That he really likes cookies?’
I’m not sure this is an adequate conclusion.
posted by EditingEmma 19.33
I definitely did not save the rest of the cookie and put it in my bag because it has his saliva on it. That is definitely not something I would do.
Mum came in from work.
‘Why are you staring at a half-eaten cookie?’
‘I’m not staring at it. I’m just… staring near it.’
‘You’re not being funny, are you?’ she asked.
‘I like to think I’m quite funny… Maybe not like Tina Fey level…’
‘I mean about your food.’
‘What?’
‘Are you eating properly?’
I paused, trying to work out what she meant. ‘Are you asking me if I have an eating disorder?’
‘Yes.’
‘Mum, I think anorexia is a bit more serious than leaving half a cookie.’
‘All right, no need to bite my head off, I was just concerned.’
I finally ate it. It tasted of Leon’s sweet saliva and my own bitter self-hatred.
posted by EditingEmma 23.25
The Phenomenon of Having a Conversation With Yourself
My phone went off. Wonder who that could be.
Wish you could’ve come over tonight :(
Still no kiss. He acts like it’s my fault. Arghhh. Then half an hour later he sent another one.
Wow. Am taking your not replying to mean you’re really upset with me.
Actually, I got distracted by a half-eaten baked good.
I don’t want to keep fighting like this any more.
Has he forgotten that I haven’t replied to him? I think he’s fighting with himself.
All right, let’s go out on Friday. I’ll cancel my plans, it’s fine.
Whatever. Sure.
Evidence: If you don’t reply for long enough, sometimes problems just resolve themselves.
Wednesday, 8 October
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Ms Parker put some paperclips on the table. ‘Now girls, be sensible with these…’ Ha.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Steph has made me a lovely pair of paperclip glasses & paperclip hair extensions.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
I wonder what the paperclips were for, anyway?
posted by EditingEmma 11.18
Gracie Doubles My Problems
‘Are you still on that app, Emma?’ Gracie asked me, this morning.
‘I was never on it.’
‘OK, is your joke profile still on it?’
‘Errr, I told Steph to delete it. Why?’
‘Well, I don’t know. You’re in a relationship now.’ She says the word ‘relationship’ like it has quotation marks around it.
‘It’s not like I used it.’
‘OK.’
Then later I got a message from Greg saying, ‘Well this is just taking the piss. Now Andy tells me you’re on a DATING APP. Are we even together at all?’ I showed Gracie my phone. She at least had the decency to look embarrassed.
‘Why? Was it a secret?’ she simpered.
posted by EditingEmma 19.00
Tried calling Greg but no answer. I have yet another stye. I think this one is Greg’s fault. The rest of my evening was spent finishing off my new old dress, and it looks SO GOOD if I do say so myself. It’s in a really nice, dark blue and green paisley.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
It’s finally complete! My favourite dress, take 2. The
heaving, screaming labour is over and I am now a proud
mother
Steph Brent @Brentsy
@Em_Nasher Congrats. You’re gross
Thursday 9th October
posted by EditingEmma 10.05
Just walked past Mr Morris in the hall. I smile and wave… and he completely ignores me!! Just stares straight through me like I am a ghost!! I know I was late again today, but there’s really no need to be so rude.
Maybe it’s because I’m wearing sunglasses.
posted by EditingEmma 11.04
‘Why are you wearing
sunglasses?’ asked Steph.
‘It’s back.’
‘What is?’
‘The stye.’
‘Oh.’
Silence.
‘I think it probably looks less stupid than the sunglasses.’
posted by EditingEmma 11.20
I can’t believe this just happened. I can’t believe it!! Leon walked past and said hello to me. LEON SAID HELLO TO ME. And he SMILED. I can’t believe it. Maybe it’s all going to be all right?? Maybe we’re going to make up?? I don’t even care about us going out, I just want to be his friend again!!
I can’t do anything properly I’m so excited. I put eyeliner on one eye and not the other. I took my sunglasses off and put them on some small boy’s head.
posted by EditingEmma 13.08
The Art of Annoying Your Friends
‘He said… “Hello, Emma.”’
‘Reeallly? And what did you say?’
‘I said… “Hi.”’
‘Did you??’
‘Yes.’
Pause.
‘Just so you know, I am aware of your sarcasm, but I’m too happy to care.’
posted by EditingEmma 13.55
Greg phones.
‘Emma, look, I just called to say sorry about yesterday.’
‘Oh sure, whatever, it’s fine!’
‘Oh… OK, well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry if I came across a bit—’ he laughs ‘—insane. I just really like you and I was disappointed not to be able to see you before Friday. And then I got all paranoid about the ex, and the app. But if you say it was Steph then I believe you.’
‘It’s no problem, Greg, really!’
‘OK… So will you delete it?’
‘Of course!’
posted by EditingEmma 17.47
Deleting Your Dating App (Even If It Was a Prank): A New Key Relationship Step?
So we all know the main steps in a relationship. There’s the first date, first kiss, first-time sex, moving in, maybe marriage, kids and then turning into old people who either vaguely tolerate each other or get divorced. Right. I think I’ve discovered a new step… deleting your dating app.