Her Secret Life

by Tiffany L. Warren

  LOOK AT YOU. GIVING WATER TO THE THIRSTY.

  Graham frowned and clicked the message closed. Lorne wasn’t funny, and he didn’t have time to verbally spar with him this morning.

  Graham peered again at the report and came up with a few talking points from the information. If his mind wasn’t a hundred other places, he would’ve been able to write something stronger. Actually, his mind wasn’t in a hundred other places, it was only in one place, with only one subject—Onika.

  He had to find her.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Onika sat in Charmayne’s office having her one-on-one session. It was one of the rules Joyce had warned her about. Three sessions a week to talk about her goals, plans, and dreams for the future. She wasn’t thrilled about it, but she’d do whatever it took to keep a roof over her head for the next few weeks.

  “So you’ve got a job lined up.”

  “I do. It doesn’t start until the end of August. I wish I had more options, but I was stupid and didn’t start my career right out of school when I should’ve. It was probably the only job I could get.”

  “So how many paychecks do you think you’ll need before you’re able to get an apartment?”

  “I’ll be bringing home about three thousand dollars a month gross, so probably no more than a month or so.”

  “Where do you plan to live? DC?”

  Onika shook her head. “Probably not. I may have to commute in from District Heights or Hyattsville. Somewhere I can afford.”

  Charmayne smiled. “You do have it all planned out, don’t you? It’s like you don’t even need me.”

  “I wouldn’t say that.” Onika remembered that harrowing night on the Metro. She didn’t want to relive that.

  “Well, I know one way I can help. Let’s get your wardrobe together for your first month at work. We can’t have you looking crazy in front of the children.”

  Onika smiled. She wondered what kind of clothing Charmayne could procure. Surely not the designers she was used to, but she no longer cared about that.

  “I’m a size two, and I’ll take anything you’ve got.”

  “A two, huh? Well, I may not have much of a variety. It seems like the majority of the stuff that’s donated are clothes for bigger women. The women at my church always donate after they go on diets and lose tons of weight.”

  “Nobody donates when they gain weight, though.”

  Charmayne burst into laughter. “No, they don’t. You know how we do. We save the small clothes until they go out of style.”

  “You know, I had a huge wardrobe when I was with Aaron. Huge. My closet was the size of this room.”

  Onika was surprised at herself for offering that information. It sounded strange saying Aaron’s name out loud. It sounded like a demon’s name. Maybe she wouldn’t say it again.

  “Is that your ex-boyfriend?”

  Onika nodded. “He asked me to leave. We’d been together since the summer of my freshman year of college.”

  “He asked you to leave. You lived with him?”

  “Yes. I couldn’t believe it, but I had no choice. Everything was his.”

  “You didn’t have to leave right away. He would’ve had to have you evicted. Whether your name was on anything or not. He didn’t have the right to just put you out of his house.”

  Onika hadn’t even thought about the legalities of what Aaron had done. She just knew that he was moving the next chick in, and she didn’t want to be there when that happened.

  “It’s okay, now, I guess. I’ve found you.”

  “Did he hurt you, Nikki? Abuse you in any way?”

  She shook her head. “No, it wasn’t like that. Aaron had issues, but I had something to do with it, too.”

  “What do you mean? What were his issues? You take blame for what happened to you?”

  Onika frowned. “Is one of the rules here that I have to tell you all my business?”

  “No, that’s not a rule.”

  “Okay, good, because I don’t really want to talk about what happened with Aaron. I loved him for many years. We loved each other. I still love him, I think, but it’s over now. I just don’t want to talk about it.”

  “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If you don’t want to talk about your relationship, that’s your business, but I’m here to help you. I don’t just run a shelter. I’m a licensed counselor. I know that when I was going through my worst time, I leaned on my counselor, and she helped me see the light at the end of all that darkness.”

  “Like you’re helping Ty.”

  “I think I’m helping Ty, but God is doing most of the work.”

  Onika cleared her throat and stared straight ahead. She didn’t want to go there about prayer, and God.

  “Do you have a problem with God, Nikki? Every time I bring up church or God, you get quiet.”

  “I don’t have a problem with what anyone believes. I went to church when I was little. I’m just not into it now.”

  “Really? Why?”

  Onika wasn’t about to sit up there and tell Charmayne about all her unanswered prayers, so she remained quiet. She wasn’t going to tell her anything about Judy, Earlene, or Goldsboro, North Carolina. That was not her business. All Charmayne needed to know was that she was a girl who was down on her luck and with nowhere to go.

  “I see,” Charmayne said. “Let’s just keep the focus on getting you into the workplace and into an apartment.”

  “Perfect.”

  The sooner Charmayne realized that Onika didn’t need fixing, the better. She needed present help, and that was all. Other than that, she was okay. She’d survive Aaron, just like she’d survived growing up with Judy. No need to bring church or anything else into the mix.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Onika woke up with one thought on her mind. Restoration. She did not want to have Aaron back, but she sorely missed her life. She looked over at Ty sleeping in the other full-sized bed in the room and immediately got annoyed. She was not supposed to be living like this. She was supposed to be living fabulously. She was doing that when she was with Aaron, but it was his money that provided that life. Her mistake.

  She lay in the bed, strategizing about her future. The teaching job wasn’t going to get her where she needed to be, not at all. There would barely be enough money to live. It would not be enough for vacations, clothes, and jewelry. She deserved those things in her life. She’d had them once, and she’d have them again.

  When she’d left Goldsboro for Robinson all those years ago, she’d wanted to be a lawyer. Being a teacher was a suggestion from Aaron, probably because he didn’t want her to continue in school for another two or three years.

  Onika made a grunt-like sound and then wished she hadn’t. She didn’t want to wake Ty. She didn’t feel like talking.

  She’d been so dumb, falling into Aaron’s trap that way. Onika wondered if the trap had been set since the first day. No. She couldn’t believe that there hadn’t been love there. They had had too many good times. It was the abortion that had done it, and that couldn’t be taken back.

  She threw off the light comforter, used the bathroom facilities, and then went downstairs. She made herself a cup of tea and booted up the computer in the library, entering the password Charmayne had given her.

  The first thing she did was check her e-mail. She had a message from her bank, stating that she had been the victim of a cyber-attack and that her money would be back in her account in twenty-four hours. This time she did make a loud noise. She shrieked.

  Onika shook her head when she heard the patter of feet running down the hall. What was she going to tell Charmayne? Would she make her leave if she found out that she had nine hundred dollars in the bank? Maybe, but Onika settled on telling her the truth. Not the whole truth, but this truth.

  “Are you all right?” Charmayne asked as she poked her head in the office door. She was still wearing her morning head wrap and robe.

  “Yes, I’m great.
The bank is giving me my money back. I can buy some clothes for work.”

  “Oh, perfect. If you want, we can still check my sources first. You’ll need your cash for emergencies, or if you just want to have a cup of coffee. You don’t have to spend it on clothes if you don’t want to. We can figure that out.”

  This felt too much like when she was a little girl in Goldsboro. Everyone had teased her for only wearing hand-me-downs. All of her clothes had been donated at the church. Her first-day-of-school outfit, no matter how cute, had always already been worn by one of her classmates, and they made sure to point it out.

  But what choice did she have? Charmayne was right. Onika couldn’t be down to zero cash, ever again. That had left her too destitute.

  “You’re right. I’ll check out your leftover fashions.”

  Charmayne tilted her head to one side and furrowed her eyebrows. “They are nice things, Nikki. I wouldn’t give you something that I wouldn’t wear myself, and I am quite stylish.”

  “I know. That is usually how every hand-me-down is presented. These are nice things. It doesn’t change that someone owned it before. Someone else wore it, sweated in it, and shed their skin cells in it.”

  “You’ve got a thing about hand-me-downs, then.”

  Onika scoffed. “Told myself I’d never wear them again when I started college. I know better than to say never, though. So here I am. Hand me the hand-me-downs.”

  Charmayne stepped into the office and sat on the small love seat. Onika’s upper lip trembled with irritation. She didn’t feel like having a one-on-one right now. It was the middle of the night, and she wanted to keep strategizing.

  “What do you want out of your life, Nikki?”

  “Right now? I want to get some paychecks under my belt and get my own place.”

  “No, I mean, take yourself out of survival mode. What do you really want? What would make you feel joy?”

  “I guess having all the things I thought I’d never have. Enough money so that I never have to worry. Property. Status.”

  “Those things will bring you joy?”

  “Not having those things will bring me the opposite of joy.”

  “I know people who are joyous and fulfilled without any of those things,” Charmayne said.

  “I am not them.”

  Onika felt her anger rising. Charmayne had everything she wanted and needed. Onika did not. Why was it so hard to understand that Onika wanted her finances in order and, more than that, to have a life of abundance?

  “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be rich.”

  “No, unless you have to sacrifice your values to get there.”

  “Is this lecture time?” Onika asked.

  Onika was not trying to get sassy with Charmayne, but the woman needed to understand a few things about her newest resident. First, that she wasn’t like these other homeless strays she’d taken in.

  “Am I bothering you? I don’t mean to. Typically, when a woman finds herself in your position, she wants someone to listen and help. I’m just trying to be there for you.”

  “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate what you’re doing for me,” Onika said. “I didn’t have anywhere to go. You saved me from sleeping on the Metro, but I already have mentors.”

  “But you didn’t call any of them when you got in trouble?”

  Onika closed her eyes and exhaled slowly.

  “I haven’t told anyone about this. No one in my circle knows what’s going on with me.”

  “Listen to what you’re saying, Nikki. You have mentors, but you’ve not let them in to help you at your lowest point. Are they truly mentors? Do you truly have anyone guiding you?”

  “I am an adult. I guide me.”

  “Baby, you’re here. Let me keep reminding you of that. You’re here. You need help whether you want it or not.”

  “And I am accepting the help that I need. I just don’t want you to think that this is some sort of intervention, because it’s not.”

  Onika knew people like Charmayne. They’d visit her at her grandmother’s house when she was a girl. They felt better about themselves when they did something for the poor and unfortunate. It wasn’t about doing good; it was about them feeling gratified. At this point, she didn’t mind how Charmayne felt about what she was doing. All she needed was three hots and a cot and to be left alone.

  “When you’re ready for someone, maybe God, to intervene on your behalf, you let me know,” Charmayne said. “Be ready to go to the clothing storage this afternoon.”

  “Are you angry with me?” Onika asked. “I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

  “No. Not angry at all. Prayerful.”

  Onika gave Charmayne a fake smile as she pulled her robe tightly around her body and left the library. She wished she could tell her to save her breath, because nine times out of ten, those prayers wouldn’t be heard or answered. She was wasting her time.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Graham stood on the Metro station platform where he’d met Onika. It was Friday, and the same time. Maybe lightning would strike twice and she’d appear before his eyes.

  He’d dreamed about her every night since he’d met her, and in every dream they were laughing and having a good time—something he rarely experienced with the women he dated. Not that he didn’t try to have fun. They were either too saved, too serious about getting married on the first date, or too concerned about how he could help them.

  Graham had no problem with salvation, marriage, or helping, but when these things were too evident from the first date, it usually spelled trouble.

  “Hey, Graham!”

  It was Leslie’s voice booming across the platform. She thought he didn’t know, but she had taken to waiting around for him to leave, even though she came in a whole hour earlier than he did. Instead of walking out at the same time, she’d let him leave first and then speed out to catch up with him. He knew she was doing this, because Lorne had spotted her sprinting toward the Metro station three nights in a row, and all three nights she’d cornered him on this exact same platform. He’d thought about changing his station, but this is where he’d met Onika, and he didn’t want to risk not getting a chance to see her again.

  Graham turned slowly to face Leslie. “Hello.”

  “Why’d you speak all formally like that?” Leslie asked between huffing and puffing.

  “I wasn’t being formal,” Graham said. “I was just saying hello.”

  “Oh.”

  “You know, you don’t have to sneak up on me at the Metro station. If you want to walk over with me, I don’t have a problem with that,” Graham said.

  He knew this was basically an invitation for her to walk with him every day, but he didn’t want her making a fool out of herself in the office. She already had a reputation for being desperate. No need to add anything to that.

  “You want to walk me to the train? You carrying my books, too?” Leslie asked.

  Graham guessed she was supposed to be flirting, but she was so confused. He had just saved her from looking stupid, but now he was the one chasing?

  “I won’t carry your books or walk you to the train, but I don’t mind walking over with a coworker.”

  “Coworker? That’s all?”

  “You’re my sister in Christ.”

  Leslie’s jaw dropped. “Thanks a lot, Graham. I’m sure God is pleased with you.”

  Graham wasn’t sure how pleased God was with him. If He was happy with him, then why didn’t he send Onika his way again?

  “So, did you hear Chrisette Michelle is doing a show at Fourteenth and Park next Thursday? We should go.” Leslie casually said this, like Graham hadn’t just brushed her off.

  “I already have plans. Maybe next time.”

  Leslie opened her mouth like she had a rebuttal, but then didn’t say anything. The silence became tense and awkward because Graham wasn’t saying anything, and Leslie stared at him like she wished he would say something.

  Finally, Graham end
ed the torture.

  “Leslie, it is really okay that I don’t want to date you. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. I just am not interested.”

  “I know there’s nothing wrong with me. Why wouldn’t you be interested in a beautiful woman who has no children, loves the Lord, and is single? I should be asking what’s wrong with you.”

  There it was. Graham knew the accusation would come at some point. He didn’t want her, so he must be gay. He wanted to start with, “First of all, you are nowhere near beautiful . . .” but of course he didn’t. That would be cruel and uncalled for, even though she’d been cruel to him.

  “There’s nothing wrong with me, either. I love beautiful, single, and saved women. I don’t really care whether they have children or not. I just don’t feel that way about you.”

  Right on schedule, her eyes filled with tears. After the gay accusation and then the rebuttal, this is what usually comes next. Tears of desperation that result in guilt, and the guy taking the girl out on a pity date. Sometimes at the end of the pity date, there is some awful guilty sex, and then the awkward, not-gonna-call phase.

  Graham handed her a tissue and prepared to stand his ground. He noticed that they’d garnered a little audience on the Metro platform, mostly because Leslie’s theatrics were pretty obvious. He scanned the crowd for a coworker. Dang. There was one. She worked on the fourth floor, maybe Human Resources. She was watching intently.

  “Leslie, tears won’t work, and you don’t even need to shed them. I’m nowhere near the only guy on the planet, and I’m not the guy for you. Stop it.”

  “Now you’re trying to act like I’m desperate for you or something.”

  “I’m not trying to do anything. Actually, I am. I’m trying to catch a train. Or I was. I’m outta here.”

  Graham fled up the platform stairs. He’d walk a few blocks to a different station, even though it was as hot as the devil’s armpit. Everyone thought it was easy being a single man with no kids, good credit, and a good job. He was supposed to have his pick of women.

  But no. His luck always sent him women like Leslie. Super sanctified, holy, saved, single and… crazy.