Maniacs in The Fourth Dimension

by YT Whitemansson

  ''Sure, we'll go with you.''

  Lempo and Cleit weren't too happy when I said that. They gave me the evil eye. Anyway, Laszlo went to hall four, where some guy was giving, imagine this, sword making lessons, and he bought a sword from that guy for a fuckin' two hundred fifty bucks! For a sword! He was twenty bucks short and Lempo had to borrow it to him. He held the sword proudly, like some warrior.

  ''I've been waiting for you, baby. Yeah, I like you too.''

  Um. Okay. He sheeted his sword.

  ''We can go now.''

  We took the subway.

  Oh, yeah, these are some good pancakes. Apricot jam. Quince jam.

  ''Maybe that biker that took Isaac is some maniac from the fourth dimension, and he kidnapped Isaac so he can rape his white ass, and he's keeping him locked in his multi dimensional basement. Like Josef Fritzl.''

  ''Josef Pretzel!''

  Hwehwehwehwe…

  Laszlo didn't laugh. He's just showing pancakes in his face. He sure is hungry. After filling my stomach, I feel like puffin'.

  ''Let's go my place and crush some branches.''

  No one complained. I crushed them branches into the bong, and played VHS porn, like in the old days. Some porn about the life of Benjamin Franklin. The guy from one hundred dollar bill. Sure is educational.

  ''I didn't know that old Ben loved asshole so much.''

  They're all just sitting quiet. Nobody wants to start the 'masturbatathon', like in the old days. Cleit and Lempo probably feel uncomfortable because Laszlo is still with us. And he's just sitting there and hugging his sword. He drank my coconut juice. I wanted to be a good host, so I offered everyone with some coconut juice from the fridge, and Laszlo drank it all.

  ' ''Aaaaw… Ben… I thought you said lightning never strikes the same spot twice…''

  ''Cállate puta!'' '

  ''Bwahah, I didn't know that old Ben was Mexican!''

  Laszlo went to take a piss from all that coconut juice, and I got scorned by Lempo and Cleit.

  ''Why did you bring that psycho here, you jackass! Everything about him screams: 'Avoid!', and you brought him to your own house! Do you have a bone in your brain?!''

  ''He seemed like a cool guy.''

  ''What about him seemed cool?! Haven't you seen his psycho eyes?! Are you blind?!''

  ''He laughed to my joke.''

  ''That wasn't him, you basehead! That was the guy in 'Patriots' shirt!''

  Wait a minute… He's right. That New England guy was standing next to me, he laughed to my joke, and then… Aw, shit… I befriended the wrong guy. A maniac, maybe. He took his sword with him to the toilet. Maybe he'll decide to test its quality, jump out of the toilet, and go Ted Bundy on us.

  Well, this is embarrassing. Goodbye.

  Chapter nineteen

  Only the strong

  It's my wife, I better get that.

  ''Hey honey, what's up?''

  ''Hey Lou, are you on your way home?''

  ''I'm finishing up in fifteen minutes. Everything okay?''

  ''Yeah. Martha was here entire afternoon and I haven't made anything for lunch. Can you stop by somewhere on your way home and get us some chinese?''

  ''Of course. But, there's no Chinese restaurants on my way home. I can get us some mexican.''

  ''Ah. Always you and mexican. Fine, whatever.''

  Heh heh. Thank you Martha.

  ''I'll ask them to go easy on the chili pepper for ya.''

  ''Okay. I'm waiting for you.''

  ''I'm comin' baby. Bye bye.''

  ''Lou?''

  ''Yeah honey?''

  ''Was everything okay at work?''

  ''Kind of. It was one of those strange days.''

  ''What happened?''

  ''Well, first we started getting reports of someone, apparently going from building to building and blasting fireworks from the top. We got reports of five buildings so far.''

  ''Some minority's new year, maybe.''

  ''I don't know. Then we got a call from that Greek restaurant, you know, that one that has a lot of flowers in flower pots outside. You remember that restaurant?''

  ''No. Tell me what happened.''

  ''Some wacko trashed all the flower pots and stomped all the flowers. In broad daylight. He even ate some flowers. He was still in action when we arrived. A guy in yellow shirt. He resisted of course. We cuffed him and took him to the station. He was shouting the whole time how we have to let him go, because he has to absorb enough energy to save the world, or the world will end. He was all drenched in sweat. Probably a junkie on a worst possible trip.''

  ''Or, maybe, there's a full moon tonight and all the creeps have left their dens.''

  ''Who knows. See you home.''

  ''See you.''

  Chapter twenty

  Princess Peach

  ''That wasn't him, you basehead! That was the guy in 'Patriots' shirt!''

  He's staring at Lempo and me. I hope he realized how stupid he is.

  ''I'll turn off the porn then'', he said: ''Bad timing for pornography.''

  ''Jove, you got your pancakes and your weed'', said Lempo: ''Now let's concentrate on the problem at hand. We need to bring down the fucker that is levitating above our heads if we want to go to the next level.''

  He turned toward me.

  ''Cleit, you're good with physics. What did Abraxas say? He mentioned that medusas are affected by radio waves, photon radiation…''

  ''Abraxas talks shit, he knows nothing about physics. Just because someone is delivering his lines with conviction, doesn't mean he deserves the sense of awe. Aren't they exposed to sun light? Doesn't your cell phone have a signal? Use your brain, bring your own conclusions, man.''

  Under the impression of everything that happened earlier, I've forsaken logic. I can't believe I walked around the park looking for a magic flower. Tulip.

  ''What do we do then?''

  ''You really want to do this?''

  ''More than anything'', said Lempo.

  ''If you're going, I'm going'', said Jove: ''I want to see what's out there.''

  Flush. That retard with the sword came out of the bathroom. He didn't wash his hands.

  ''Is the movie over?''

  ''It's over. How would you like to go the next dimension, Laszlo?''

  ''Like, now?''

  I opened Jove's closet to see does he have any fireworks left from the fourth of july. Yes, he does.

  And: '' Yes, now.''

  ''Okay'', said Laszlo: ''I'm ready to go.''

  ''I will do my best to get you all there, but you have to promise me something. When we, if we get there, we are not going to react impulsively, we are going to bring decisions as a team, and we aren't going to hunt no energy, we are going there to explore.''

  They agreed. Good.

  ''But how are you going to…'', Lempo started his yapping.

  ''All famous world's physicists got their results in one same way. By experimenting. By acting like children.''

  I took Jove's fireworks and we took elevator to the roof. There it is. The giant thing. Levitating above us. We're right under it. We fixed bunch of fireworks to blast it right at the jellyfish.

  ''Light every fuse at the same time.''

  So they did.

  ''Let's take cover.''

  Result? It exploded inside of her, and she went down, and fell in the street. We went to the edge and stared down. Cars kept driving through her, like there's nothing there.

  ''Did it work?'', asked Lempo.

  I looked around. One, two, three of us on the roof.

  ''Where's Laszlo?''

  ''He's gone.''

  ''Then, I'd say it worked.''

  Jove grabbed me by my shoulders and started jumping enthusiastically.

  ''It worked, motherfucker, it worked! You launched him into the next dimension!''

  Lempo's confused.

  ''But, why did it take him in, and not us? I don't understand.''

  ''Only thing I know is that this ha
s nothing to do with laws of physic, or any other laws of nature. It operates on some logic of its own. Pick up the remaining fireworks and let's blast another jellyfish.''

  Before we could go to the next closest building that has its jellyfish, Jove had to go back to his apartment to pack for the trip. He put on his hockey west, hockey mask and took his hockey stick with him.

  ''We're not going to hockey, you know.''

  ''Fuck that shit, we don't know what's comin' next. I ain't goin' unprepared.''

  Lempo started pussying: ''He's right, we need to prepare for this, we should…''

  ''I'm going now and you do whatever you want.''

  I took the fireworks and went to the next apartment house, I rang the interphone posing as a postman, and they let us in. We went to the roof and blasted their jellyfish. The other side took Lempo in return. Only Jove and I are left now. We went to the next building and got on the rooftop.

  ''Okay, after this one, we're out of fireworks, the one that stays will have to go buy more. You have enough dough?''

  ''Yes.''

  ''You nervous, man?''

  ''I'm fuckin' shakin'.''

  Yeah, me too. We lighted the fuses. I shaked Jove's hand.

  ''Good luck, man.''

  I closed my eyes. When I opened them, I was still on the rooftop. Alone. Shit. Now I have to go buy fireworks. I forgot to ask Jove where does he buy his. The closest place I know is back at the Pine Cone Center. I took the subway again. It's so unreal. All of this. I can't think about it anymore, my head pulsates in pain. This day lasts too long. And it ain't over yet. Sweet Jesus, what did I do? I've sent my best friends into the fuckin' jurassic. You need to calm down man, your cool is the only thing that's still preventing this from turning into a full fuckin' nightmare.

  I took a shortcut to the firework store, walk through the park. I passed next that magic tulip. And there, I heard someone's sobbing. Behind the flower, with her back pressed on the flower's stalk, was a cowered girl, her hands around her knees, crying. It was that small blond girl from the convention.

  ''Don't tell me that you've been here all this time.''

  She quickly wiped the tears off her face with her sleeves.

  ''I wasn't. I just came here to cry.''

  ''Why?''

  ''And why not? I'm about to fail… Once more. I'm in a pretty bad situation and I have no one to help me through it. I don't know what I'm doing.''

  She got up.

  ''Where are your friends, the tall guy that can't stop laughing, and the Asian guy?''

  Funny. She showed me this way that she knows something about me.

  ''They're on the next level.''

  Her eyebrows pulled together. My answer confused her.

  ''How?!''

  ''I've found a way.''

  ''Can I come with you? I won't be a burden, I promise.''

  You saved me Mario!

  ''Sure.''

  ''I'm Emily.''

  I shaked her tiny hand, wet from tears and sweat.

  ''I'm Cleitus. Follow me.''

  Chapter twenty one

  Guardian snakes and lapsed catholics

  I've been sitting here for three hours already, I had a coffee, a mint tea and now I'm on my second mineral water. Hubert had one coffee and started hitting 'Jack' after that. His eyes are red. I think he's angry 'cause he didn't confront Abraxas while he was available for confrontation. Hubert understood this… revelation, if I might call it that way, as a personal insult. He…

  ''Hey guys, can I sit down?''

  Out of nowhere, one of blokes from the convention appeared. 'Patriots' fan.

  ''Be our guest.''

  He reeks of sweat, his face is ruddy, burnt by sun.

  ''Hoo, hot day, I'm dehydwated, could I take a dwink of that minewal watew?''

  ''Help yourself.''

  ''Thanks. Good watew. I've seawched the entiwe pawk and I found nothin', no mowe giant flowews. I'm going to take a showt west and then I'm going to the old wailwoad pawk.''

  ''You'd be better off, if you'd just go home'', said Hubert: ''You're being toyed with.''

  ''Why awe you so negative about this? Isn't this what ewewyone wants? To be chosen to be a pawt of something big? Alice, giwlfwiend of that guy Alden that got his awm twisted, she says that Abwaxas is a satanist, and that he's using powews that Satan gwanted him, so he would mesmewize us into doing his will. He opened the doows fow us of fouwth dimension and fuwthew, and she calls him a satanist.''

  ''All satanists, especially those that aren't satanists for fad's sake'', spoke Hubert through the mist of alcohol: ''Those that really worship the… goat's head, are in fact, nothing more then lapsed catholics.''

  I've heard Hubert telling this story about satanists being lapsed catholics so many times. That was his graduation thesis – 'Why satanists are nothing more then lapsed catholics by Hubert Ploome'.

  ''Object of their worship, Satan, is a purely Judeo - Christian invention. Early church defined Satan in order to try to explain the problem of evil and created something that some later found worthy of worship. It's the ultimate absurd, they might hate Jesus, but what they are worshiping is created by Christians. It makes furher sense when you know, that most of them satanists, one way or another, have catholic or some other protestant ex-catholic background. Evidence of correctness of my thoughts: non-christian societies don't have Satan worshipers.''

  ''All satanists awe catholic, huh?''

  ''You can sign that with blood.''

  He punched Hubert in the face, called him 'bastawd' and walked away. I helped Hubert up.

  ''This went well, his reaction was milder than the reactions of my dissertation committee.''

  He started laughing. Hubert is, I say it without any doubt, the smartest person I know, he holds in his head more than any profesor from our college, but sometimes, he's too smart for his own good.

  ''There's gonna be a bruise under your eye. You are aware that every time you share this theory of yours, not only you insult small and insignificant society of satanists, but you also insult entire catholic world?''

  ''And don't forget God!''