Texas Funeral

by Batcher, Jack

  “Who the fuck could this be at this time of night?” Mayor Valdez, grumbled picking up his phone to see who was calling. “It’s the damn Chief of Police. Ginger, turn off the music,” Ricardo slapped her on the ass to get her moving off of the desk. The woman pleasuring him under the desk stopped. He looked down at her and slurred, “What are you stoppin’ for chica? You don’t have to stop.” She gave him an awkward smile, then got back to work.

  “There better have been a mass murder for you to be calling me in the middle of the damn night Chief,” Mayor Valdez said.

  “Not a mass murder,” Chief Jones said, “But, the excrement has definitely hit the air-conditioner. The bodies are piling up everywhere.”

  “What in the hell are you talking about?” Mayor Valdez demanded.

  “I’m here at the Hospital,” Chief Jones said, “There

  are headless bodies, and swarms of flies everywhere.

  We’ve got officers down”

  “Did you say flies, Chief?”

  “Yes,” Chief Jones said, “There must be a million

  of them. These suckers bite too. That’s not all Mayor.” “What else is there?”

  “Main Street is filling up with people wandering

  around like Zombies,” Chief Jones said, “Looks like an

  episode of The Walking Dead.”

  “Son of a bitch” Mayor Valdez said, “Chief, I want you to find Ray Harris, that dang buzzard from Austin. I think his experiment has got us fucked.”

  “Yes sir,” Chief Jones said, then let out a high pitched howl. “Chief Jones!” Mayor Valdez, yelled into the phone. All he could hear on the other end of the phone was a loud buzzing sound. He hung up the phone.

  Ginger, stumbled back from the bathroom. Her eyes were dripping blood.

  “What is the matter with you?” Mayor Valdez asked, “Are you ok?” The redheaded call girl let out a high pitched howl. Donald Mang went into convulsions. Churita howled like a wolf baying at a full moon. Donald, let out a high pitched howl that sounded like a Mexican Bandito on the war path.

  “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Mayor Valdez said Donald and Churita’s heads dropped to the floor. A mass of black flies buzzed out of them. Their bodies collapsed to the floor. Another high pitched howl came from under the desk.

  Mayor Valdez looked under the desk to find that the hooker giving him head, had lost her head. His lap and legs were covered with her blood, and flies had begun to buzz all around him. Ginger had fallen to the floor and her head had rolled off her shoulders, and a swarm of flies erupted out of it. In a panic, Mayor Valdez jumped out of his seat with his pants still down around his ankles. He wobbled like a drunk penguin as fast as he could, while swatting away the flies that were biting him. He finally made his escape out the front door of Kilgore Town Hall. Mayor Valdez looked around to see that everything was covered, crawling, and buzzing with flies.

  Zombie-esque Kilgorians were aimlessly wondering Main Street. Mayor Valdez stood with his pants around his ankles in a stunned bewilderment as men, women, and children passed by him with their own twisted expressions of horror on their face. Sylvia, his secretary, slowly passed by him, her right eye dangling from its socket, and blood trickled out of both sides of her mouth. Bill, the Kilgore Fire Chief, trembled as he walked, he collapsed to the ground and flies jettisoned out of him like a geyser.

  Mayor Valdez felt a stiffness in his neck, his arms and legs shook like a bad Elvis Presley impersonator. He let out a high pitched howl, and collapsed to the ground. His head rolled off his shoulders and on to the curb like a bloody bowling ball. More flies burst from his skull to add to the infestation of Kilgore.

  “Dios Mio,” Carmela gasped, after she was startled by the thump, “What was that?”

  “It seems like the sound came from outside,” I said.

  Thump! Thump! “Its really creeping me out Ray,” Carmela said with a tremble of growing anxiety in her voice, “It sounds like they are trying to break in. Do you think they know we are in here?”

  “I’m not sure Carmela,” I said trying to keep her calm, “We will be alright, I don’t know why the people, or um Zombies would come after us, but I blocked the doors, and that glass is pretty thick.”

  Thump! Thump! Thump! Carmela screamed. Then the thumping began to come from all sides of The Road Kill Café. The pounding thumps on the glass were getting more rapid, like an off beat climax of a bad Rock drum solo. The sounds echoed in the dark café like thunder that wouldn’t end. The front window pane of the café cracked. Carmela let out a terrified shriek.

  “Dios Mio, Dios Mio!” Carmela cried, “We are trapped, Ray, what are we going to do?”

  “I think we should get into the kitchen,” I said. We grabbed the candles and the can of bug spray. Then we quickly went through the silver kitchen doors. I unplugged a freezer chest. Carmela and I pushed it in front of the door. I then told Carmela to hold up her arms so that she looked like the letter T, and then I sprayed her with Raid. She coughed through the cloud of bug spray. Then I gave her the can so that she could spray me with the poison too. I took the can back and sprayed around the silver kitchen doors, and that was the last of the bug spray.

  “Why are we doing this Ray?” Carmela asked, coughing some more.

  “You don’t want to get bitten by those flies, do you?” I said, dropping the empty can in the garbage bin, “Get turned into a Zombie?”

  “Dios Mio, No,” Carmela said, “But, now what can we do? We are out of bug spray”

  “I’m hoping that in the morning, the Kilgore Vector Control will spray some poison to kill the flies,” I said, “But that seems highly unlikely at this point”

  Then there was a loud crash of breaking glass that came from The Road Kill Café dining room. The combined deafening sounds of the cafés alarm sounding and the buzzing of flies followed the breaking glass. I reacted quickly. I threw some papers in a metal garbage can. I lit them on fire. I turned to Carmela and ordered her into the walk-in freezer. Smoke began to fill the kitchen. I grabbed the fire extinguisher. I closed the door. The sprinkler system went off and water fell from the ceiling through out The Road Kill Café, and in the walk-in freezer too.

  “Why did you do that Ray?” Carmela said, “We are going to get eaten by flies, zombies, and now drown too?”

  “It’s a simulated rain,” I explained, “The flies wont come in if there is water falling. I didn’t realize that a sprinkler would be in here too”

  “I almost forgot,” Carmela said, “You’re the bug guy. What’s the plan now?”

  “Good question, Carmela,” I said, “I’m open to suggestions. Right now I’m in freaked out survival mode.”

  “Me too,” Carmela said, “We have to think of something. My clothes are soaked and they are getting icy.”

  With the walk-in freezer door closed, we were blind and deaf to what was happening outside. Not my best move, but I had to do something. Unfortunately, I reacted instead of getting a good plan and taking action. Our clothes were drenched and beginning to freeze. I have to admit seeing Carmela with her wet dress clinging to her is really distracting me from rational thought. Under different circumstances I would be focused on how to get her out of that dress. Damn it Ray! Think! If we stay in here we’ll get hypothermia. If we go out there we’ll get bitten by deadly flies, that’ll zombify us, and chew off our heads.

  I decided to peek out the freezer door. I couldn’t use the candle, because of all the water falling. I used the flashlight on my iPhone. The light shown out the crack of the door like car headlights shining on thick fog. I couldn’t see shit! It was all smoke and darkness. I heard the Kilgorian Zombies banging on the kitchen door. The freezer chest in front of it was not holding its ground well at all. I should’ve jammed the wheels under it. I did not hear any flies buzzing around, but I knew that wouldn’t last long.

  I looked at Carmela. Her lower lip was trembling, and turning blue from the cold. She looked terrified. If I look as
cold as she does, we won’t last much longer. We are going to have to make a break for it. Run out to my car and get as far from Kilgore as possible.

  “Ray,” Carmela said with chattering teeth, “What are we going to do?”

  “We are going to run out to my car,” I said, taking her hand and leading her towards the door, “You hold the flashlight, I’ll spray the fire extinguisher to chase away the flies. Are you ready Carmela?”

  “Dios Mio,” Carmela whispered.

  “Go Now. Head towards the back door,” I said.

  I pushed open the walk-in freezer door. Carmela hesitated when the Zombies banging on the kitchen door got more aggressive. I pushed her to move forward. We fumbled our way through the smoky darkness. Eventually we made it to the back door of The Road Kill Café. I slowly cracked open the back door and peered out to see what was going on outside. The water from the café sprinkler system stopped falling. A loud metallic clang came from behind us, and a crescendoing hum of buzzing flies came with it.

  I shot a blast of the fire extinguisher behind us. Then I flung open the back door and shot a blast in front of us. I grabbed Carmela’s right hand and practically dragged her out of the café and down the steps. We dashed around the corner to the parking lot. I kept blasting out quick shots from the fire extinguisher at the flies. We got to my El Camino and I chased away the flies with the fire extinguisher. I opened the passenger door for Carmela. She jumped in. I slammed the door shut. I slid across the hood of the car like Bo Duke, from the Dukes of Hazard, and quickly got into my car.

  “Are you ok?”

  “Yes,” Carmela said, “I think so. Just get us out of here.” I turned the key to start the car. The cars starter cranked, but nothing happened. I tried again. I turned the key, the engine revved, and the stereo came on. The staccato rhythm of The Doors song 5 to 1 played, and the bands singer, Jim Morrison, predicted our future as he sang “Five to one, baby, one in five, no one here gets out alive…”

  Carmela shut off the radio, with a stab of her finger to the power button, as flies began to fill the windshield. Then they crawled to cover the side windows. I looked behind us, and the back window was crawling too. I put the car in reverse and backed up slowly. Turning on the windshield wipers, they moved like there were heavy snow on them. It eventually shoved the dense mass of flies away, but they landed back on the window just as quickly as they were pushed off. I was able to see enough to get going.

  We were blocked by the Zombies aimlessly wondering around on Main Street. I slowly drove my car through them, bumping them out of the way. I started to drive us out of Kilgore. As we made our way West on Main Street, we saw the destruction the Phorid Fly infestation had created. There were broken store front windows, crashed cars, and headless bodies scattered everywhere. All the buildings and street lamps were covered with flies. I could not shake the dreadful feelings of my responsibility for what has happened here in Kilgore, and the ripple effects which appear to be disastrously insurmountable.

  An Air-horn siren began to wail over the deafening buzz of the flies.

  “Now what the hell is happening?” I said. “That’s the Tornado Warning Siren,” Carmela said, “There must be a tornado coming.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said, “Which way

  do we go to avoid that?”

  “There’s no telling Ray,” Carmela said, “Its just a

  warning, but it can show up anywhere. It’s a signal to go

  hide.”

  “That’s what I want to do,” I said.

  An infested Kilgorian Zombie flopped across the hood of my car. She stared at us through the windshield. Her left eye had been eaten by flies. She opened her mouth and let out a high-pitched howl, as flies crawled out of her mouth. The woman’s head dropped onto the hood of the car, and rolled onto the asphalt. Carmela screamed as she stared at the slithering maggots that were still attached to the chewed up neck.

  Loud pings and donks came from the roof of my car. Giant white Ping-Pong ball sized hail began to ricochet around us.

  “We got hail,” I said as calmly as I could after watching someone’s head fall off, “The tornado must be closer.”

  The wind was picking up. The flies seemed to be getting sucked into a vacuum cleaner. A sound like a fast moving freight train screamed over the buzz of flies and overpowered the air-horn. Rain began to fall hard, and hail was mixed with it. The flies had cleared from the back windshield. A dark funnel appeared behind us. The twisting force of the tornado flung heads and bodies around Main Street. The sign for The Road Kill Café was ripped off the building and disappeared into the sky. The tornado hit the Kilgore Petroleum Gas Station. An explosion shook the car.

  “Just drive us out of town Ray,” Carmela yelled at me, “Fast!” I pushed the gas pedal to the floor, and the car jumped into action. The headless body slid off the hood, as we tried to escape Kilgore. I looked in the rearview mirror, and saw that the tornado was engulfed in flames. The car began to buck and rock like a bronco. I held the wheel as tight as I could to keep control of the car. The cyclical ball of flames twisted after us, like an angry Godzilla releasing its wrath on Tokyo, it wrecked and set fire to everything in its path. Steam began to shoot out the sides of the hood of my car. I read the temperature gauge on the dashboard, it was pinned in the red. Carmela began to cry as the car slowed down, and sputtered to a stop.

  We were trapped. We watched helplessly out the back window as the fiery tornado grew closer. Carmela and I screamed as the fierce winds began to rock my car. There was no escape. We clung to each other as the car began to to slightly turn counter-clockwise. Carmela buried her head into my neck and refused to look. I couldn’t look away from this blazing twister, and was so petrified I couldn’t move or breathe. The back end of my El Camino began to lift. Then slammed down, as a wave of fire passed over the car, and then there was just the wail of the tornado warning signal. The tornado had vanished, with the only evidence of its existence being the wreckage it had left behind.

  I finally exhaled and began to breathe again. Carmela slowly raised her head and looked up at me, then gazed out the window at what was left of Main Street. She was shaking, and rattled by this horrific experience. We were stopped in front of Kilgore Park, where this nightmare so innocently began. It was with the best of intentions that I released those Phorid flies. I had no indication from my research to show that this sort of devastation would be capable from one swarm of flies.

  “Are we alive?” Carmela asked.

  “Yes,” I said, “I think so.”

  “That was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced,”

  Carmela said.

  “Me too,” I said. A human head crashed into the windshield and the glass cracked into the shape of a spider web. Carmela screamed. I screamed. More heads and headless bodies fell from the sky.

  “We need to get out of here Ray,” Carmela said, “And I’m not feeling good.” I turned the key to start the car. The starter cranked, but wouldn’t turnover. I smacked at something that felt like it was crawling on my left forearm, but nothing was there. I turned the key. Still nothing. I smacked my left forearm again. It still felt like something was crawling on it. Then I realized that nothing was crawling on my arm… It was crawling in it, under my skin.

  I turned towards Carmella, she had a slight trickle of blood coming out of her left ear. I looked at her left leg and noticed that something was crawling under her skin. I watched as the lump made its way up her thigh and disappeared under her uniform. Carmela turned to face me, she had smaller moving lumps pulsing on her face. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that my left eye was bleeding. Scared, I grabbed the mirror for a closer look. I saw blood began to trickle out of right nostril and a fly crawled out of it.

  “Look Ray,” Carmela said, raising a shaky right hand and pointing behind me. I turned quickly to see a second tornado forming in the field at Kilgore Park. The tornado began tearing up the earth as it made its way across t
he field. It looked like we were stuck in the path of another twister. I attempted to start the car again, and got nothing. The tornado tossed some wooden bleachers into the sky, while ripping up fence post and chain link fence. Carmela reached over and took hold of my right hand. I turned to face her. She had a slight trickle of blood coming out of the corners of her mouth.

  “I’m sorry Carmela,” I said, I just felt I needed to apologize to someone for what I had done, and I didn’t think I had too much time left to do it.

  “Dios mio,” Carmela said, “Why are you sorry Ray?”

  “I’m sorry, because with all the chaos that has

  happened tonight,” I said, “I didn’t get a chance to ask you

  out on a date.”

  We both laughed. The sound of the tornado was louder behind me, and the car was beginning to rock. “I was waiting for you to ask me,” Carmela said, with a crooked smile, half her face was paralyzed. “We would have had a great time.”

  “An awesome time,” I said, I could feel the right side of my body spasm and twitch.

  “Well,” Carmela said, she had tears of blood streaming down her cheeks, “Maybe we aren’t going to get to go out on that date Ray, but we can still have a good night kiss.”

  “Yes, Carmela,” I said, “We can do that.”

  Carmela used what strength she had left to turn and face me. Her arms were shaking. Her head began to wobble. We leaned in towards each other. I reached a trembling left hand up, and brushed her hair away from her face. I looked into Carmela’s soft brown eyes. The car began to rise and spin.

  Carmela let out a high pitched howl. Her body fell on my lap, and drenched me in a small tsunami of her blood. I held her head by the strands of her hair that were tangled in my fingers. A swarm of flies filled the cabin of the car. I attempted to scream, but the sound was cut short.

  “Good evening, this is Gabriella Gonzalez with FOX 7 News in Austin. Breaking news tonight as scenes of horror are being reported through out Texas. Reports of a massive fly infestation in the City of Kilgore, and at Kilgore Memorial Hospital, where headless bodies were found. Also in Kilgore two tornados had wrecked havoc on the downtown area. In Houston fly infestations have been reported, as well as in Waco, Dallas, and San Antonio. All area hospitals are experiencing overcrowding, as patients are coming into the emergency rooms with complaints of multiple fly bites, nausea, headaches, and in some cases seizures. We are going live to Alana Christensen at the the Austin Medical Center. Alana…”