Please, Pretty Lights (Pretty Lights #1)

by Ina Zajac

  She was starting to remember. Had he been yelling, “Come back to me,” or had she imagined that? Was she imagining this? Everything rolled and woozed around her. She was shivering so much. A blue hand came down and rested against her hip. It made her think of Matt. She wanted Matt.

  She tasted blood. She needed to cough, but something was in her mouth. It hurt.

  “We have blood, oral. Not much.” She remembered she was Violetta. She remembered La Traviata and that coughing up blood meant she was going to die. She tried to speak, but it was too hard, and she didn’t know what to say. What’s killing me? she tried to ask. She closed her eyes and retreated into the cave with Metallica. “Come back to me.” She felt something on her face change to a heavier something. It smelled like plastic. She wanted Mama.

  “She in position?” the woman’s voice was asking. “Yes, I’ll check when we’re in. Isn’t she under? Let’s go, let’s go. Okay. Turn up the music.”

  ***

  VIA

  THERE WAS BUZZING in her brain. Breezy vibrations began rippling through her and she relaxed into them. She was numb and an eternity went by. There was no need to care. She was being hidden away from her senses and into still nothingness.

  “Come back to me,” the deep voice said. She knew that voice. Then she heard another voice. It seemed like her father’s, but it couldn’t be, because she wasn’t afraid.

  “Come, come out now,” he said. She was aware of him, yet she was not with him. They were together in some way, but time was not time. It was a living thing—not intruding, just watching them. Space was pivoting back and forth. His voice blurred within her; they were the same, yet she was not with him. A cascade of glorious lights kept them apart. The branches felt prickly against her face. She knew this dream. She had had this dream a thousand times, except this time she wasn’t afraid.

  “Violetta, it’s time to come out,” he said. “I promise you’re not in trouble. It’s your present. I know you’ve been so curious.”

  “I don’t deserve it,” she confessed.

  A memory flitted around her. It waited. It wanted to be remembered. She had never asked about her presents, the ones the police had taken away. She knew they were the devil’s toys. Those wrapped boxes had been more important than helping her mother. She shouldn’t have been peeking. She should have been in the kitchen.

  Mama was there. She was there all along, in the kitchen making cookies. “I told you everything would be okay,” she said.

  And the box was there, too. White with a gold bow.

  “It’s time,” Daddy told her. He seemed even more excited than she could ever be. Like, he had been waiting so long for this moment. The moment that never came was finally here. She could sense he had been worried about her. He wouldn’t have to worry anymore.

  She brought her hands up and pulled the bow tight against the corner, then down. She tore back the wrapping paper. Power surged through her. Her father helped her with the last of the paper, like he couldn’t wait another second. Her mother came to help. It took all three of them to pick it up and set it on an easel next to the tree. The pretty lights were humming, It’s real! It’s real!

  “This is how you saw me?” she asked him.

  Metallica stormed through her, dense and wild. The beat is. It just is, she realized.

  The pretty lights—which had led her to this point—flickered and were gone.

  She couldn’t feel her parents anymore. She felt them drift away. Maybe if she could stretch her soul enough, she could reclaim them. She tried to reach out with everything she was.

  “Daddy, did you love me?”

  Plastic overwhelmed her—the taste, the smell, the feel of plastic. She was somewhere new. She was distracted by unfamiliar sounds. Where had she been before? She had no idea. And, where was she now? She heard wom, wom, wom, and then, buzz, buzz, buzz.

  She was drenched in human pain. “Come back to me.” She needed that voice. A breath came to her. Such pain. And the breath was gone. Another breath came into her and left again. With each breath came a beep, a new beat. Space expanded out around her and faded into calm.

  “Ma-,” she tried. “Ma-Ma,” she tried in vain. She remembered. It would all be so easy now. But, she would have to remember.

  There were garbled voices in the distance. New voices. Proof that the old voices were gone. Misery came in from all sides and overtook her. She could not let reality come and rip her from her mother’s arms—vanish away all memory and destroy all meaning. She had to slip away, back to the place she had been before, but she was stuck. This was her now. There was nowhere else to go.

  ***

  VIA

  “MA.”

  “How long is she just going to be asking for her mother?” she heard Dan ask. He sounded tired. Why was he here? “It’s like she doesn’t even see me, Dr. Lou,” he said. “How long until the anesthesia, all the drugs, wear off?”

  “Please be patient, she’s been here less than, let me see, less than sixty hours,” the doctor said. “She’s been through a significant surgery.” It was the same voice she had heard before. She was the one who had been taking care of her, who listened to Metallica. She sounded too young to be a doctor.

  Via didn’t see either of them, and she saw no reason to. They had set her up against a pillow. She just stared at beige, and that was fine. It was a wall, she realized. Peaceful. But she could still hear them. She wanted both of them to go away. They had been talking so long that the beige wall was brightening, changing to a color more like the inside of a cantaloupe.

  “Is this because she saw her father murder her mother? She would never talk about it. I told her she should go to therapy. She found the whole thing embarrassing. He was violent, bipolar. Maybe she is too?”

  “That is a question for the staff psychologist,” her doctor said. “But, I must say, bipolar doesn’t necessarily mean violent or abusive. It’s often misunderstood. In fact, many people living with such conditions are highly intelligent and creative. When addressed it’s manageable, and nothing to be afraid of.”

  Carlos flashed into Via’s awareness. She had been with Carlos. Backed against his desk. He had tried to kill her. But that isn’t how her story was meant to end. Her heart ached for him. He would go to prison. Just like his father.

  “When can she come home with me?”

  Never, Via thought.

  “Let’s talk about that later, when she can take part in the discussion.”

  “None of these people know her,” he said. “They’re the ones who are responsible for all of this. She is such a good person. None of this makes any sense. I mean, look at her, so zoned out? Is that the drugs? Is she going to snap out of this?”

  “I understand you are anxious to speak with her,” Dr. Lou said. Via loved the confident strength in her doctor’s voice. “You’re not the only one. The police are all over me, asking when they can question her. Please, be patient. She has been through so much, and sometimes patients need time to emotionally recharge after such trauma.”

  “Dr. Lou, I don’t mean to seem unappreciative but my fiancée was in a strip club, doing God knows what. This is a lot for me to take in.”

  “I also wanted to inform you her tox screen came back clean.”

  “She wasn’t on drugs?”

  “No, and also, let me check...”

  “What?” Dan was asking. “Also what?”

  “Also, the pregnancy test was negative,” she said.

  “Of course, she’s not pregnant,” he said. “Why would you even check that?”

  “It’s routine,” she said.

  “Of course, I’m sorry,” he said.

  “I need to go check on my other post-op patients.” The doctor’s voice was soft again.

  “I do love her,” he said. “I feel like you don’t think I do. Like I’m a bad person because I left her when she needed me. ”

  “Oh, please, no,” she said. “Don’t think that. That’s just the lack of sleep
talking. I have no doubt you care about her very much.”

  “Not care,” he said. “Love. I left her, but I love her.”

  “Well, the staff psychologist will be in to see you sometime today. You can discuss your concerns with him. Why don’t you go get some breakfast? I think some quiet time would do her some good.”

  “Okay,” he said. “I’ll take a walk. Clear my head.”

  Via heard the door open and then whoosh closed. She could feel that her doctor was still there, could hear the sound of fabric rubbing against the bed rail. Maybe the long white coat Via imagined she would be wearing. She felt Dr. Lou lean in close.

  “I’m very pleased with your progress. I will see you this evening, unless you decide to rejoin us before then. I can see why you’d like a little time to yourself.”

  Via felt her hand being squeezed and she smiled at the wall, now a mix of copper and gold.

  Her doctor’s breath smelled like a latte and was warm against her ear. “You hang in there, girl,” she whispered.

  “Ma-Matt,” she tried to say, then closed her eyes and fell asleep.

  CHAPTER 48

  MATT

  IT WAS A SUNNY Christmas Eve morning. She had survived the dreaded countdown and was going to make it. Matt hadn’t been home yet, but Nick had brought in some clean clothes for him and there was a shower in the men’s room.

  When he came in, she was sort of lying on her side; one half of her lower back was covered with what looked like a giant blue Band-Aid. Many of the tubes and wires that had held her down in the ambulance were gone, replaced by different ones. He went over to the far side of her bed and was thrilled to see that the color had returned to her cheeks. The lips he loved were pink again.

  Dan’s voice was stern. “I’m allowing this because my mom insists it’s the right thing to do. Say you’re sorry, or whatever, and that’s it. She’s coming home with me.” He gave Matt one last glare before he left the room.

  He knew he should feel guilty, but he told himself that Dan couldn’t possibly love her the way he did. It wasn’t possible.

  Her hair could use a wash, but she looked well rested. Her eyes were heavy, half open. She looked baked. “Guess these hospital drugs are even better than the ones we did together, huh?”

  He wanted to take her hand and hold it, but he didn’t want to disturb the IV needle taped there. “I only have a couple of minutes, thanks to your fi-an-cé.” Fiancé, damn he hated that word.

  He paused, hoping she would talk back. But she didn’t move at all.

  “Dan and the church people are saying the past few months were just a big mistake for you—a mental breakdown. And they said you bailed from their intervention.” He laughed a little. What a little firecracker she was.

  He saw she had some hair caught behind her shoulder. It was an excuse to touch her hair and he seized it. It reminded him of those first five minutes, when he’d first painted her.

  “When I first met you, it was the same,” he told her. “You wouldn’t look at me then. And you were having a bad hair day.” He felt his throat close tight. “I painted that shield of protection—I’m so sorry it didn’t work.” He leaned in closer, but couldn’t touch her. He wasn’t going to hurt her anymore. “I’m so sorry.”

  He had to stand up and take a step back. He couldn’t cry.

  “Hey, guess who’s not freaked out by hospitals anymore?” he asked her. “This guy.” He hoped if he were corny enough, she would snap out of her funk, roll her eyes, and smack him.

  Why did he get so stupid when he was nervous? He paused for a clarifying breath. In, out.

  “I called your uncle; Whitney knew his number. I think he’s going to strangle me, but at least he’s on his way.”

  No, had he really just used that word? Did she even know about Kaytlyn? So brutally sad. He kept thinking about all the times he could have been nicer, more supportive. He should have gotten her away from Carlos. He still couldn’t believe she was dead. Via could have just as easily died, too.

  He leaned in over her ear and whispered, “I love you.” He caught himself off guard. It just kind of came out. He would tell her that every day for forever if she would let him. Not because he was compelled to, but because it was his truth. He gave her a kiss just behind her ear.

  He heard Dan from the hallway. “That’s enough. You’ve done enough,” he said.

  “Goddamn, that guy really is a prick, isn’t he?” he whispered. “They want me to back off, give you some time,” he said. “And I thought about it. About stepping back, giving him his time with you.”

  She was still the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He got close enough to see her honey-colored irises. Even though she didn’t seem affected, he just knew he was getting through to her somehow. He had to believe he was or he would lose it. The doctor said her brain scans were clear and that they had every reason to be optimistic.

  What would he do if she didn’t want him, if she snapped out of it and wanted Dan? No, he told himself. Not after everything they’d been through. He had to hold it together and expect the best.

  “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me to go yourself. So, that’s what’s up.”

  “I said that’s enough,” Dan said again, now in the doorway.

  Matt straightened up, pulled the bedside curtain closed, turned, and stood toe-to-toe with the fiancé. Dan was a good three inches shorter and skinny, but he looked unafraid, like he wanted to throw down, right there in her room. Matt didn’t blame him, but he wasn’t stepping back.

  ***

  VIA

  THE PRIVACY CURTAIN was a joke. She could still hear them.

  “Look, you may—or may not—be engaged to her, but I love her,” Matt said, his voice low but strong and steady, so much like his bass. “When she’s feeling up to it, we’ll let her decide.”

  “People always talk about love,” Dan said. “But love isn’t always easy. It takes effort. It’s about compromise and sacrifice.”

  “Well, maybe she needs more than that,” Matt said. “She deserves a man who understands her, loves her for who she is.”

  “How long have you known her? Tell me, how did you meet her?”

  “Trust me, dude, you don’t want to know,” Matt shot back.

  She heard a scuffle, like shoes against the floor.

  Matt spoke again, but slowly. His words reverberated like a growl, “You’d better step off.”

  It was quiet. Were they done? Via wondered. She needed Matt.

  “You know about her money, don’t you?” Dan asked.

  “Keep it. I just want her.”

  Her mind filled with bright orange—the painting above the staircase. The image pulled her heart away from the beige wall.

  “But you found out it’s not just a few million, didn’t you?” Dan asked, his voice full of concern. “You know it’s like forty million.”

  “Don’t know, don’t care,” Matt said. “Do you see my old boots? My clothes? Do you think I’m in the market for a yacht? Do you really think I give a fuck?”

  “Please stop.” Beth’s voice sounded frazzled. Via hadn’t even heard her come in the room.

  Dan didn’t stop. He sounded wounded. Betrayed. “I’ve loved her a long time. Maybe I haven’t told her enough. But I never gave her drugs. I never took her to dangerous places.”

  “Stop it! Stop it!” Beth screeched.

  “But, Mom, he took advantage of her weakness.”

  “Listen to yourself! This isn’t who you are!” Beth was actually screaming. It struck Via as so thoroughly wrong. It sounded like kittens being burned alive. It jolted her need to check back into her life. It was time. She tried to turn toward the curtain.

  “Ma-Matt.”

  “Please, can’t you see?” Beth went on. Her voice was reigning itself in, normalizing more with every word. “They’re here now, and that takes courage. Can’t you see they care a lot about her?”

  It was quiet for the longest time. Via imagined
Beth was between them. Killing them with her special brand of spiritual kindness. So much like Grandma Daney.

  “Maybe we should get a cup of coffee,” Beth said. “Give him a few more minutes with her.”

  There were dual male grunts. It sounded like agreement. Dan’s mother was a miracle worker. Yes, Via thought, reaching out for the curtain. Take your son away so I can talk to Matt. Her mouth was so dry it hurt.

  After a moment, the door whooshed closed.

  Via was finally able to will herself away from the wall. She blinked and tried to bring her vision into focus.

  “Matt.”

  She heard him turn. He was coming to her.

  ***

  VIA

  “MATT.” SHE REACHED OUT her hand for the blurry white hospital curtain hanging between them. And his hand came around the edge to yank the curtain out of the way. Anticipation buzzed through her body; urgent, like that first day he’d kissed her so well she’d seen spots. She was desperate to see him.

  He leaned in. She smelled peppermint. God no, it wasn’t Matt at all. It was Dan.

  She blinked again and met his gaze. It was terrible. It was one thing to blame him from afar. Now they were face to face. Maybe he did love her; she just hadn’t felt it.

  “I’m—sorry,” she told him.

  He sat on the bed and grabbed her hand. The IV needle pinched in deep, it burned. But she felt too guilty to mention it.

  “We’re not giving up,” he said. “I forgive you, and I’m sorry too. This is all my fault. I won’t ever leave you alone again. We’ll travel together.”

  The full weight of their failure crushed down upon her chest. She started to cough. Jesus, it hurt so much. What had he done wrong, really? He had done so many things right. He went and got a cup of water: a tiny paper cup. She was so thirsty; it would never be enough.

  “No,” she told him.

  “Shh. Don’t talk, drink this,” he told her.