by KE Payne
“Harrods.” I swallowed. “I bought it there.” I laughed, my laugh sounding strained. “A year ago if you’d told me I’d be buying bikinis in Harrods I wouldn’t have believed you.”
“A year ago you weren’t as famous as you are now,” Alex said.
A year ago I was fucking up Nicole’s life.
I moved away slightly and sank under the water, hoping I could drown my thoughts. I rose back up and swept my wet hair back off my face.
“Shall we get out?” I asked. “I’m cold.”
Without waiting for Alex’s reply, I swam away from her to the other side and hauled myself out. I walked back to our loungers, flicking the wet from my fingers, and picked up my towel. As I dried myself, water pooling at my feet, I watched Alex pull herself from the pool and walk towards me, adjusting her bikini top as she did so, without a hint of self-consciousness. My eyes refused to look away this time, apparently eager to look at her long legs, toned stomach, the bikini top that Alex repeatedly pulled at…
Finally I managed to look away. It was agony. I turned my back to her, my mind in turmoil. I felt like I was tumbling away from myself and Alex was the one doing it, taking me further away from what I knew was right, whilst at the same time pulling me towards her with every look and every touch.
“Are you still cold?” Alex asked, pulling my towel tighter round me. She rubbed at my arms, her own skin prickled with goosebumps from the chilly water.
“I’m fine.” I took a step back and wiped some water from my brow with the corner of my towel. “Thanks.”
Alex nodded but didn’t say any more. Instead, she turned and looked back towards the bar, then returned her gaze to me. “Are you hungry?” she asked. “I’m starving. There’s food over there.”
I remembered I’d skipped breakfast, thanks to oversleeping and worrying I’d be late. At the mention of food, I was suddenly ravenous.
“Actually, I am too.” I unfurled my towel from around myself and shook it out. “Shall we get something?”
“You wait here.” Alex nudged a lounger closer to me with her foot. “Lie out and dry off. It’ll warm you up.” She started to walk away. “I think I can figure out what sort of things you’ll like,” she called back over her shoulder. “After all, I got the pizza right, didn’t I?”
I watched her walk back past the pool and weave her way round the myriad chairs and loungers towards the bar. Pulling a dry towel from my bag, I spread it out on my lounger and lay out on it. The sun felt fabulous against my chilled skin, instantly warming it again. As it beat down on my face, my eyes grew heavy and eventually closed, and the sounds around me dipped in and out of my consciousness.
When I opened them again, around ten minutes later, I couldn’t see Alex anywhere. I propped myself up on one elbow and scanned around, expecting to see her standing over at the bar. She was nowhere to be seen, and the disappointment that scratched at me was both profound and unnerving. I rolled my legs over the side of the lounger and sat up, scraping my wet hair back off my face, and then shrugging my vest top back over my head.
Finally I spotted her, standing some way from the bar, in the dappled shadows of a tree. She was now dressed back in shorts and T-shirt and was talking to a girl, the girl leaning against the trunk of the tree while Alex spoke with her. I watched them intensely, my eyes never leaving them, a knot forming in the pit of my stomach as I saw how Alex had the girl’s entire attention, how her eyes never left hers.
“Oi, Billy No-Mates.”
I dragged my gaze from them as I heard Robyn’s voice shout across to me from the other side of the pool, then watched her as she sauntered over to me, her footsteps slightly unsteady, thanks, I figured, to the large glass of something presumably alcoholic in her hand.
As if by magic, my eyes slid back to Alex, still talking to the girl. I could hear my own breath in my ears, hear the voices all vying for attention in my head.
“What are you doing, sitting here all alone?” Robyn flopped down on the bottom of my lounger. “Ed said we should network, but I thought, bugger that when there’s free drinks at the bar.” She raised her glass and took a long drink from it.
“I just had a swim.” Alex. Still there. “I wanted to dry off.” Girl. Still there.
I had to concentrate really hard to look at Robyn and not Alex. It was like Laurel at the beach all over again, when her father was trying to talk to me, and all I could think about was Alex talking to her.
“Hey, you know who I just saw?” Robyn asked.
“Who?”
“Tim Westland,” Robyn said, “from WestEnd Records.”
“Right.”
“Well try and sound a bit more excited,” Robyn said, slapping my leg. “Tim Westland is, like, the biggest thing in record production at the moment.” She looked away. “Oh, hey. And guess who else I saw?”
“Who?”
“Guess.”
“I can’t.” I looked back over to Alex. Another girl had joined them.
“Try.”
“I’ve no idea.” The knot in my stomach balled tighter.
“Well at least try.”
“I said I can’t.”
“You’re so boring sometimes.”
Two girls and Alex. One girl was talking and Alex was listening intently, occasionally laughing. The other girl couldn’t take her eyes off her.
“Tally?”
I dragged my attention back to Robyn.
“What?”
“I said, you’re so boring sometimes.”
“Whatever.”
“Who’s bitten your arse?” Robyn took another drink. “I was just saying, I’d seen CJ Black earlier.”
“The DJ?”
“Oh, you are in the land of living then,” Robyn said. “I was beginning to wonder.”
I hated it. I hated the way it made me feel when I saw how the girls were looking and talking to Alex, and I hated the way she was with them, apparently holding their attention with every word and gesture.
But I had no right to hate it. She was Alex Brody and everyone loved her, and right now I was acting no better than Nicole used to act when she was jealous of the girls I used to talk to.
The thought almost made me gasp and even though Robyn was still talking to me, her words were lost to me. My whole focus was on what was unfolding across the other side of the pool, the wretchedness of my feelings eating away at me, the double realization that I was falling for Alex and now acting no better than Nicole had when she’d fallen for me making my head spin.
The weird tension that had surrounded us when we’d been in Suffolk together hadn’t been my imagination, and I knew that while my growing feelings had crept up on me, it was pointless me trying to ignore them any more. The constant looks, the touches. The fact that I was desperate to wring out every last ounce of my time with her because I knew the time I spent with her was never long enough. As I watched her, my heart sitting dully in my chest, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I wanted her.
And the thought terrified me.
I didn’t know what Alex had done to me, but all I knew was that I was aware of myself and of my own actions whenever I was near her. A quickening of the heart, a desire to be noticed. My laughs had become more forced when I was with her, my words more carefully chosen. Had I made her laugh? Had what I’d said been heard and taken on board? Had she liked what I’d said or done? Would she still think about our conversations long after they’d finished, like I did?
Something which I’d once felt around Nicole when we’d been spending a lot of time together. But this was something much stronger and deeper. It felt real. Whenever I closed my eyes, all I could see was Alex; whenever there was silence, all I could hear was her voice. Whenever I saw her, I got a Christmas morning feeling in my stomach; just the sound of my phone pinging, alerting me to a text, sent my heart reeling, hoping it would be from Alex. Then, if it wasn’t from her, I’d force a smile through the disappointment, and tell myself it really didn’t matte
r and that not every text could be from her. Then my phone would alert me to another message, and the whole process would be repeated, ending up in absolute bliss when, finally, a text would be from her.
The feeling with Nicole had never felt quite like this, and that’s when I became scared because I knew that whatever I’d felt for Nicole, my feelings for Alex were a hundred times stronger.
My life was starting to feel amazing. I was starting to feel amazing, and I knew it was all down to Alex. I felt different when I was around her; the sky was bluer, sounds clearer, lines sharper. I wanted to be around her all the time. I hung on every word she said. Felt more alive than I’d ever felt in my life when I was near her. Everything felt different when she was with me. Better.
So why did I feel so scared?
“I’ve got to go.” I snagged up my shorts from the floor and sprang to my feet. “This party’s crap.”
“What?” Robyn looked up at me from the lounger. “It’s only early still.”
“I think I’ve had enough for one day.” I knew I’d seen enough for one day, anyway.
I hauled my shorts on, then rolled up my towels, stuffing them both into my bag. From across the pool I was aware of Alex glancing over to me, but I didn’t look back. I couldn’t.
“Text you later, okay?” I tossed a look back over my shoulder to Robyn as I walked away and made for the house.
I knew I’d have to pass the bar to get through the garden to get to the main gate, and that meant passing Alex. My heart hammering behind my ribs, I strode over towards her, my eyes resolutely looking away from her, even though I knew she’d seen me.
“Tal?” I heard her but didn’t respond. Instead, I made for the side of the house, not wanting to see the girls she was talking to, not wanting to know what sort of girls Alex could possibly be attracted to.
I walked round the bar, hearing Alex say something to the girls behind me which I didn’t catch in amongst all the other chatter around me, and made my way round the side of the house towards the garden, relieved that Alex hadn’t followed me. It was quieter here, the main bulk of people choosing to hang around the pool, and as I walked further away, the hubbub of noise and music left my ears.
I headed for the trees, back towards the main gate I’d come through just a few hours earlier. It was fine, I told myself the further away I took myself from her, that Alex wanted to talk to other girls. It was right. It was normal. It was to be expected.
“Tal.” Alex’s breathless voice sounded behind me.
I shot a look over my shoulder to see her half walking, half running across the lawn towards me, but I didn’t stop. I knew I was being petulant, but I still couldn’t make myself stop. Instead, I hitched my bag higher onto my shoulder and ducked in amongst the trees, the main gate now visible.
“Wait.” Finally I felt her hand on my arm. “Why didn’t you wait?”
“I didn’t hear you.”
“You saw me.” Alex was still breathless. “I saw you look over your shoulder.”
I tried to walk away but Alex’s grip on my arm tightened. She pulled on me, stopping me from walking any more.
“Were you just going to go” Alex asked, “without seeing me before you went?”
“I figured you’d forgotten about me,” I said, “so you wouldn’t notice whether I was there or not.”
“Of course I would have.” Alex looked confused. “Why would you think that?”
“You were busy.” I nodded back towards the house. “You kind of went off to get us food and apparently forgot about it.”
“I got chatting,” Alex said, her hand falling from my arm. “Sorry.”
“I saw.”
I walked away again. I knew what Alex’s face would look like, but I didn’t care. Finally she fell into step with me as we walked through the trees.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t seem it.”
“I said I’m fine.”
I picked up my pace and moved away from her. In two or three quick steps, Alex was in front of me. She swung round to face me and stopped, barring my way.
“You’re in my way.” I bit at my lip. “I need to go.”
“Not until you tell me what’s up.”
“Nothing’s up.”
“Why are you being like this with me?” Alex asked, her hand on my arm.
“Like what?” I looked down at her hand.
“Like you don’t care.”
That cut me. Why couldn’t Alex see I was protecting her?
“You’re imagining it,” I said. I pulled her hand off my arm and walked away, deeper into the trees.
“You do this all the time,” Alex called out.
I stopped dead. “Do what?”
“Get close to me one minute, and blank me the next.”
“Whatever.”
I walked away again, surprised when Alex grabbed me again. She swung me round to face her, then cupped my face in her hands and leant her face closer, so her lips were inches from mine, her warm breath fluttering against my skin, her hair lightly brushing my cheek, like silk.
“You drive me crazy,” she breathed, “you know that?”
She pressed her lips to mine, kissing me slowly, a small sigh sounding in the back of her throat as I kissed her back. It didn’t feel strange to kiss her. It felt perfect and lovely, as though I’d waited my whole life to do it. As she kissed me deeper, my body melted against hers, and it felt just like…
Just like when Nicole had kissed me.
I pushed Alex off, and the look of hurt and confusion that flashed across her face nearly killed me.
“I can’t do this.” I lurched away from her, blindly seeking the gate. “Nicole…I can’t.”
“Nicole?” The confusion in Alex’s voice was palpable. “What’s Nicole got to do with any of this?”
“I can’t. Alex, I’m sorry, I can’t.”
“Tally, I’m not Nicole!” Alex’s cry echoed off the trees.
I stumbled from her, her words lost to me, thanks to the sound of the breeze in the trees and my blood pulsing in my ears as I ran. As I left her standing in the shadows, I knew she was right. Alex wasn’t Nicole.
But I also knew I’d end up hurting her, just like I’d hurt Nicole.
Chapter Twenty
By the time I arrived back at my apartment, my body was damp with sweat, my bikini uncomfortably sticking to me underneath my clothes.
The Tube ride home had been a total drag, taking far longer than normal. Perhaps that had been my imagination, though, as I’d spent the entire journey expecting to see Alex waiting for me at each station we passed through. Dreading her getting on the train with me and asking me just what the hell I’d been playing at.
I came in through my apartment door, slammed it behind me, and sank down to the floor. I fumbled with my laces with fingers that wouldn’t comply, finally managing to wrench my Converses off, then dropped them beside me, enjoying the feel of the cool carpet against my bare feet.
Inside my shorts pocket, the edge of my phone pressed hard against my hip bone. I lifted up from the floor slightly and pulled it out, then stared at the blank screen. No text or phone call from Alex. I didn’t know if that made me happy or sad.
I settled on relieved.
I sighed and rested my head against the door. I’d acted like a jerk at the pool. Twice. Now I felt angry, and frustrated, and ashamed, and upset, and a whole other range of emotions that my hot, tired, puddled brain was finding it hard to cope with right now.
I’d allowed myself to think about her way too much. About how she’d looked in her bikini, the way she’d held my gaze as she’d wandered over to me by the pool, the sun honeying her skin. Alex’s kiss wouldn’t leave me either. No matter how hard I tried, each time I closed my eyes, the feel of her lips on mine, the taste of them, refused to go away, bringing with it a deep ache inside me. I imagined her now, probably still at the party. Talking to those girls agai
n.
My eyes sprang open. I knew they’d love the way Alex walked, the way she talked. The way she made people sit up and take notice of her. How she made them feel inside.
I knew exactly how they felt because I felt it too.
Because, despite trying to ignore it, I was digging myself in deeper and deeper, getting pulled towards Alex more and more. As I sat in the hallway of my apartment, every fibre of me ached to get up and return to her. To tell her I was sorry, and to explain myself to her.
To kiss her again.
My phone buzzed, shaking me from my thoughts, and it felt to me as though I’d been holding my breath the entire time I’d been thinking about Alex.
Robyn: Where’d you bugger off to?
I needed a shower, but I couldn’t move. I smelled of chlorine and sun cream and the Tube and misery, but I still couldn’t move from the hallway. Instead, I sent a reply to Robyn, some lame lie about having to get home for a delivery, and remained slumped on the floor, staring at the wall opposite me.
Tears of frustration pricked my eyelids. I’d always thought of myself as someone who always did the right thing. Didn’t hurt people and didn’t play games with them. That’s why I’d told Nicole the truth all those months before, rather than stringing her along on a lie, and that’s why I knew I needed to keep Alex at arm’s length now, before we got any closer than we apparently already had done. Before she had a chance to fall for me as hard as I’d fallen for her.
Everything I’d just done had been for a reason. I was a good person, I really was.
I just hoped Alex would understand that.
*
I saw her again the next day. The timing in my life was lousy sometimes.
As if in sympathy with me, the heatwave finally broke, to be replaced with leaden skies and fat raindrops, and as I scurried through the rain to the studio, I swore it was as if the darker skies had arrived purely to match the darkness in my heart.