CHAPTER ELEVEN
STARING dry-eyed at the television screen, Leah barely moved as Cole’s key turned in the lock. She’d been home a couple of hours now, and even though the news was blaring, even though she held the remote in her hand, Leah barely noticed the horrific images that flashed into the living room, barely even noticed when her own face appeared grim and dirty as a firefighter hauled her out of a carriage.
It was Cole who saturated her mind now.
Cole the root of her pain.
‘Did you hear anything?’ Leah asked as Cole came through to the living room, putting down his briefcase then heading for the coffee-machine. ‘No one’s said anything about the baby on the news yet.’
‘The hospital wanted to let the father know first, that’s why nothing’s been on yet,’ Cole said wearily, shooting a baleful eye at the television. ‘No doubt any minute now it will be the headlines.’
‘You’ve spoken to him?’
Cole nodded, running a weary hand across his forehead before spending an inordinate amount of time watching his coffee trickle into the cup as Leah stared at him expectantly.
‘How was he?’
Cole gave a tight shrug. ‘I don’t want to talk about it, Leah.’
She watched as he went through the milk and sugar routine, watched as he pulled out a packet of biscuits then changed his mind and tossed them back in the cupboard before picking up his drink and taking a sip.
‘Well, I do.’ His cup paused midway from his mouth and Leah’s heart rate did the same thing as her voice rang around the room. ‘I was there today, Cole, I helped you deliver that baby, remember, and I have every right to ask how the father is coping. And I have every right to ask you how you’re coping, how you’re dealing with today, after what happened to Heather.’
Heather.
She felt as if she’d sworn in front of her parents, ordered a rare steak in a vegetarian restaurant, crossed that line Cole instinctively drew, but there was no going back now.
‘Samuel told me to give you some space today, Cole. Told me you were bound to be upset, given how Heather had died and everything.’ He was slopping his coffee down the sink now, dragging off his tie as he headed for the stairs. ‘I thought he was just talking about the baby!’
Her words reached him, stilling him momentarily, his hand reaching for the banister and gripping it.
‘Heather broke her neck. You were jet-skiing and Heather broke her neck, and I had to hear it from a colleague of yours. I had to find out how your wife died from someone I occasionally work with.’
Still he didn’t move, still he didn’t turn, and Leah was consumed with almost a sense of savagery, an outrage at his refusal to face her.
‘What difference does it make?’ He sounded genuinely bewildered as he finally turned to face her. ‘She’s dead, Leah, why do the details matter so much to you?’
‘Because they clearly matter to you. Cole, I understand you’re hurting, I understand why you might be a bit over-protective at times and sometimes mightn’t want to talk, or at least as much as I can understand without you letting me in.
‘Samuel told me you were on holiday, “whooping” it up, when it happened.’ She gave an incredulous laugh but it was utterly devoid of humour. ‘I can’t even picture it, Cole. I can’t imagine you “whooping” it up, and yet I know that part of you is there. I know that it’s deep inside you, only you won’t let me see it. I don’t want half a relationship, Cole, I don’t want to walk on eggshells, avoiding issues, pretending everything’s all right.’
‘Everything is all right.’ He was heading up the stairs now, the conversation obviously over, calling over his shoulder, and Leah raced after him.
‘No, it isn’t,’ Leah shouted. ‘Today was bloody and horrible and terrible and yet you’re walking away from me, and if you take another step I’m walking out of that door.’ She watched as he froze, watched as he slowly turned to face her. ‘I can’t do this any more, Cole. I can’t pretend everything’s going to be all right when it clearly isn’t.’
‘You’re tired,’ Cole said firmly, ‘tired and exhausted, and now really isn’t the time—’
‘Now’s exactly the right time.’ For someone who cried at the drop of a hat, the absence of tears surprised even Leah. Her voice if not steady was amazingly clear as she summoned the strength to utter the hardest words of her life. ‘You told me to face things, Cole, you told me to stop running away from my problems, and as hard as it is to say what I’m about to say—you were right.’
She watched his face as she spoke, watched his face mask into a pained, stricken dignity as the truth finally came out. ‘I don’t want to be a clinical nurse specialist, Cole. I don’t want to be half of what I am, but I would have accepted it, I’d take the job in an instant if I thought I had all of you.’
‘You do,’ Cole started, then stopped as Leah broke in.
‘I have the bits you want me to see, the bits you’re prepared to share, but I’m sorry, Cole, it’s simply not enough. I want all of you and you’re simply not prepared to give it.’ When he didn’t say anything Leah answered her own unspoken question.
‘I’m going home, Cole.’
‘You don’t know if you’re well enough yet.’
‘I spoke to Dr Crean in Emergency this afternoon.’ For a second she was sure his impassive mask slipped, was sure she saw a flash of pain in his eyes, but in an instant he snapped back, those guarded eyes shutting her out as she carried on talking. ‘My tests were fine. I can go home any time I want.’
‘I think running away would be a more apt description.’ His lips curled in almost a sneer. ‘Just as you did when the going got tough in England.’
His words hurt, hurt more than she thought she could bear, but Leah stood resolute. ‘I’m not running away, Cole, I’m facing up to my problems. I need to go back, I need to confront my fears, and hopefully then I’ll get over them.’
‘Am I supposed to hear angels?’ Sarcasm was dripping off his tongue. ‘Am I supposed to give a slow handclap at your amazing analogy and thank you for your insight?’
‘No.’ Tears were starting now but Leah barely noticed, watching as he carried on up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door. ‘I just want you to talk to me.’
Because Leah didn’t want things to move particularly quickly, because deep down she still prayed for some sort of resolution, for her rather dramatic gesture to force in Cole a realisation, the world suddenly seemed to go on fast forward. A flight was arranged with one speedy call, and it wasn’t as if she had much to organise: just a bank account to close and her backpack to fill which saw her through to ten a.m.
Cole had left for work that morning without a goodbye, the front door slamming as she lay in the single bed she’d never slept in, staring at the lemon walls and wondering if it was memories of the past or just plain old pride that had stopped him coming in to her.
And she’d wanted him to come in, Leah admitted to herself. Wanted him to take her in his arms and give to her the piece of him she so desperately needed, to trust her enough to share. But instead she’d lain alone, staring into the darkness and wondering how something so wonderful could have gone so horribly wrong.
‘I’m sorry, Fay,’ Leah had said when she’d finally plucked up the courage to ring, the front door’s echo still ringing in her ears. ‘I know I’m leaving you short today.’
‘We’ll survive,’ Fay had said kindly. ‘I don’t know what’s gone on and I can’t be sure if this will help or make things worse, but you know that there’s always a job here for you if ever you do change your mind. Are you still there?’ Fay had checked when Leah hadn’t answered.
‘Still here,’ Leah had squeaked, trying to keep the sob from her voice. ‘I’ll drop in my uniforms and name tag this morning.’
‘Cole can bring them some other time,’ Fay had suggested but Leah had shaken her head into the phone.
‘I’d rather not leave things for him. Anyway, I’ve got to pick
up my medical certificate from Dr Crean’s secretary. As soon as my things are out of the drier I’ll head over.’
It felt strange to be walking into Emergency in her shorts and a T-shirt, still part of the team only not quite belonging. And even though she wasn’t sure if she wanted to see him, to prolong the agony further, instinctively her eyes scanned the department, knowing, just knowing in an instant that Cole wasn’t around.
‘How are you?’ Fay said gently. ‘I’m not being nosy, I was just wondering how you’re coping after yesterday.’
‘It’s our job.’ Leah shrugged but Fay wasn’t about to be fobbed off.
‘You’re even starting to sound like Cole. It was a bit more than just another day at the office yesterday, Leah. There’s nothing wrong in talking about it.’
‘I know,’ Leah admitted. ‘It was hell out there.’
‘Greg Wells is doing well.’ Fay smiled as she watched Leah’s reaction. ‘It was an incomplete fracture apparently and they stabilised it in Theatre. He’s already got some sensation in his lower limbs, so there’s one happy ending for you.’ Taking the bundle of clothes, Fay gave her a warm smile. ‘Perhaps you should keep your name tag for half an hour or so?’
‘Why?’ Leah asked.
‘Isn’t there someone you’d like to see before you head off?’ As Leah shook her head Fay went on, ‘I’m not talking about our mutual boss. There’s a little baby up in Special Care, doing very nicely thanks to you. Without a security tag you won’t get in, they’ll think you’re the press or something. I think it would be good for you to go and see him—maybe it will put things into perspective a bit for you. Yesterday’s events are going to stay with you for ever and seeing what you achieved might help you look back on it with a bit of comfort.’
Taking the tag back from Fay’s hands, Leah gave a small nod. ‘Thanks, Fay.’
‘What time’s your flight?’
‘Nine p.m.’
‘Do you need a lift to the airport or anything?’
Leah shook her head. ‘I’d really rather be on my own. I’d probably rot your leather upholstery I’ll be crying so much.’
‘Does Cole know? Your flight time, I mean?’
Leah shook her head. ‘I only just found it out myself.’ She looked at Fay’s slightly startled expression. ‘He knows I’m going, though, he just doesn’t know all the flight details.’
‘Can I tell him,’ Fay suggested. ‘If he asks, I mean.’
Leah gave a thin smile as she kissed her colleague on the cheek. ‘You can, but he won’t ask, Fay. It’s over.’
Pushing the bell outside the special care unit, Leah gazed through the windows, watching the babies, the monitors flashing, with eyes so full she could barely see.
‘You wanted to see baby Heal.’ A nurse came out and greeted her. ‘I’m Ann, the unit manager. Fay just rang and said you were on your way up.’
‘I did,’ Leah said in a choked voice, ‘but I’ve changed my mind. I’ll just look from here, thanks.’
‘Are you sure?’ Ann checked. ‘I reckon you deserve a little cuddle. I’ve just come back from my coffee, but he was fine when I went. We’re keeping him in Special Care for twenty-four hours’ observation.’ Squinting through the window, she looked over to baby Heal’s crib. ‘His dad’s in there, holding him. I’m sure he’d like to meet you.’
‘It isn’t his dad,’ Leah said softly.
Even though he was dressed in a robe with a cap and mask on and his back to her, she’d have recognised Cole anywhere. ‘That’s the doctor who delivered him.’
‘Cole Richardson?’ Ann peered harder. ‘It is, too. This must be so hard for him. He lost his own baby and wife not so long ago. I expect the world must seem a pretty cruel place to him right now. Are you sure you don’t want to come through?’
Leah nodded, not trusting herself to speak, just staring through the window at Cole cradling the baby gently in his arms, wishing she could go over and help him, wishing she could be there as he took this most difficult step.
Maybe her words had reached him, maybe he was trying to move on, but she simply couldn’t take that chance, couldn’t risk falling back into his arms only to be shut out again when the horrors of their row receded.
Knowing she was right didn’t make things easier, though.
Lingering till the final boarding call, Leah longed for resolution. Even as the silver doors of the customs checkpoint slid open and she passed the point of no return, she scanned the crowd for one final glimpse, knowing if he called her name her resistance would shatter in an instant, unable to believe that he’d let her go without putting up some sort of fight.
Once on the plane, she squeezed into her window seat, politely refusing the attempts at conversation from her fellow travellers, painfully recalling the last time she had been on a plane, still hoping against hope for an impassive announcement from the cabin crew asking if a Miss Leah Jacobs could please make herself known to the crew, for Cole to do something, anything, to prevent her from leaving.
But as the cabin door closed, as the plane taxied along the runway and lifted majestically into the dark Melbourne sky, even Leah admitted defeat.
Sinking back into her seat, she huddled into her blanket, didn’t even attempt the meal or watch the movie, didn’t even shed a tear.
Just stared out at the navy emptiness and tried to get used to living with pain.
CHAPTER TWELVE
IT WAS awful, being back.
Oh, it was nice to see her family again, nice to catch up with everyone and be back in her own flat, for about half a day.
Leah had never been more cold in her life, which seemed strange as the weatherman insisted every evening before she headed for work that it was one of the mildest winters on record, but, permanently frozen, Leah swaddled herself in jumpers and thick woolly stockings. At the end of a long night shift, wrapping a thick scarf around her neck, she pulled out her scrunchy, smiling as Sue, one of her colleagues, came and joined her at the mirror.
‘Are you coming to Kathy’s leaving do next week?’ Sue asked brightly as Leah pulled on her endless layers of clothes. ‘The honeymoon’s finally over and they’re heading back down under!’
‘I’ve been to more of Kathy’s leaving dos than I can count,’ Leah said, forcing a smile, ‘but, then, I guess it’s not every day that you emigrate. My name’s already on the list.’
Huddling into her seat on the tube, she headed for what she’d once called home, staring blankly ahead like the rest of the passengers, wrapped in her own world as the underground train zipped through the tunnels. At the end of her journey she picked up her bag and trudged the invariably broken escalator before walking the short distance to her flat.
She hated turning the key in the door of her flat, hated walking in, even missed Cole looking at the clock and moaning she was late. There were endless phone calls before she finally made it to bed. Kara, her mother, a couple of aunts all whooping ‘Happy birthday’ down the phone, but when eleven a.m. came and went, Leah finally gave in and took the phone off the hook. It was midnight in Australia.
If Cole was going to ring, he’d have done so by now.
‘Hell, it’s as cold as the morgue in here.’ Flicking on the lights, Kathy barged in as Leah stood blinking and shivering in her pyjamas. ‘And about as lively! Were you still in bed?’
‘Well, I did work all night,’ Leah moaned, following her through to the lounge. ‘We’re not all on our honeymoon.’
‘And what a honeymoon!’ Kathy winked. ‘I can’t wait to get back to Australia, though. I still don’t really feel married—it feels as if it’s all a bit of a game. I can’t wait to be finally in our own home. Mum said they’re going to come out and see us next summer so that makes leaving a bit easier. Anyway, enough about me—you’re the birthday girl!’
‘Don’t,’ Leah groaned, taking the parcel Kathy thrust at her and opening it half-heartedly. ‘Mum’s booked a restaurant for tomorrow. I’ve got every Jacobs in the
phone book coming, I think.’
‘And Dale and I.’ Kathy grinned. ‘It will be a blast.’
‘A blast from the past,’ Leah sighed. ‘Half of these relatives I haven’t seen since I was twelve. I don’t know why Mum’s going to all this fuss—it’s only my thirtieth, for goodness’ sake.’ Her jaw dropped open as the wrapping paper slid off. ‘Kathy, this is gorgeous,’ Leah gasped, holding up the pale grey woollen dress. ‘It must have cost you a fortune.’
‘It nearly cost me my sanity,’ Kathy sighed coming over and picking up the dress. ‘I know how cold you always are but warm and sexy don’t exactly equate in my book. Still, this is just divine, isn’t it? Go on, then, get dressed—the table’s booked for an hour’s time.’
‘Table?’ Leah gave a horrified look. ‘Oh, Kathy, no, I really don’t want to go out.’
‘I don’t care what you want,’ Kathy insisted. ‘You’re coming. It’s not every day a girl turns thirty, and if I’m giving up a Friday night with my brand-new husband, the least you can do is put on a bit of make-up and a smile.’
‘Kathy, I’m really not in the mood.’ Leah gave a shrug. ‘I want to stay home…’
‘In case the phone rings.’
Leah gave an embarrassed nod. ‘He knows it’s my birthday. I was moaning about turning thirty soon the whole time we were together.’
‘If he does ring,’ Kathy ventured, ‘wouldn’t it be better if he got the answering machine, thought you were actually out enjoying yourself rather than picking it up on the second ring and bursting into tears at the sound of his voice?’
‘I miss him, Kathy.’ Leah’s eyes sparkled with tears. ‘And the more I think about it, the more I realise that given what had happened it was hardly the right night to pick a row and hope for logical answers. What happened at the train crash—’
‘Was awful,’ Kathy broke in. ‘But for both of you, Leah. You had every right to want to talk about it, every right to draw on Cole for comfort. It’s his fault he couldn’t give it, not yours for demanding it.
‘But if it’s any consolation I think you two are made for each other. I’d give anything to see you together, but it has to be right, Leah. Cole has to face up to his issues and he wasn’t about to do that with you there. Now, come on,’ she said, changing the subject to Leah’s dismay, ‘we’re down to forty-five minutes. Go on,’ she shooed, ignoring Leah’s protests. ‘You’ve got a lot of work to do, you’re going to need every last one of them.’
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