Zach’s words slurred a little, which made Cael wonder how much he’d had to drink already.
“Rough day?” Cael asked.
“You could say that.”
“Sorry I was late getting here.”
Zach stared at him for a few long seconds, the orange glow from the flames dancing in his dark eyes. He shrugged and settled his gaze on the fire.
“What?” Cael asked.
Zach hesitated. “You aren’t obligated to be here, you know.”
“Where else would I be?”
“Out. Finding some new hot guy to fuck. Maybe. I don’t know. Certainly not wasting your nights here with me.”
Cael narrowed his eyes at him. Zach’s tone held no irritation or anger, only dejection.
“That’s it. I’m calling Chloe.” Cael reached in his pocket and pulled out his phone.
“Why?”
“To babysit so I can take you out.”
Zach’s mouth fell open, as if he were about to protest, but Cael didn’t let him.
“Look, Pook. It’s been almost a month now. You haven’t taken hardly any time to yourself since taking Taylor in, and working while she’s in daycare doesn’t count. You need a little stress relief, so we’re going out and who knows? Maybe you’ll meet someone while we’re at it.”
“I’d rather not. And I did go out a couple weeks ago, when we met Emma and Chloe for dinner.”
“I’m talking about you and me only this time. It’s time you let Megan go and move on.”
“Who the fuck says I haven’t?” Zach snapped. He pushed to his feet, taking a moment to balance himself.
“Where you goin’?”
Gripping the back of the chair, Zach moved around it then headed for the door. “To get another beer.”
Cael stood and followed him into the house. “How many beers have you had?”
“Only two,” Zach replied, tossing the bottle in the bin under the sink. “But I started with a couple tequila shots to speed up the process.”
Zach grabbed the refrigerator door handle and started to pull it open, but Cael pressed the fridge door closed before he could reach inside. “I think you’ve had enough.”
“Oh, fucking come on! It’s just another beer, and it’s not like I’m driving anywhere.”
“You remember the hangover you had the last time you drank too much or, as you put it, the explosive mining operation in your head, and how you told me never to let you do it again?”
“Pfft. I haven’t had near that much yet.” Zach tried again to pull the fridge open, but he didn’t have the strength to overpower Cael.
“No, but you’re heading there.”
With a loud, exasperated huff, Zach gave up and leaned against the counter beside the refrigerator, crossing his arms over his chest.
“So what. I’ll fucking deal with it tomorrow.”
Keeping his hand on the fridge, Cael shifted to stand in front of Zach. “You have a one-year old sleeping down the hall who might need you, or have you forgotten about her?”
“Of course I haven’t fucking forgotten about her! Or my sister, who’s still laid up in the damn hospital in a fucking coma that she may never come out of!”
Zach pushed past him, then spun around as Cael turned to follow.
“On top of that, I’ve come to the conclusion that no one even fucking wants me. Even you don’t want me. And watching the way you are with Taylor, I know you won’t keep up the single shit forever. You think I don’t see it? I remember how you used to sometimes look at me when I was with Megan, planning our wedding and shit. You wanted it then. You wanted what I had. You still do. Because that look in your eyes is still there. I see it every fucking day, and soon you’re gonna finally realize it and find your perfect man and start your family and this… this right here, me raising Taylor, is going to be my life because there’s this sinking feeling in my gut that tells me Abbey isn’t coming back. I fucking miss her too much already, and Taylor? Not that I don’t love her. I do, it’s just… fuck, man, I don’t want to do it alone.”
Zach’s voice broke at that last little bit.
Cael held his breath, holding Zach’s somber gaze. He didn’t know what to say. Zach had held himself together over the last month, but everyone had a breaking point, and Zach had hit his.
Cael didn’t want to bring up Abbey again. Zach was tired of hearing people tell him that his sister would be okay. Even Cael had said it enough already, and Zach didn’t need to hear it from him again. So instead, Cael focused on everything else Zach had revealed.
Zach thought Cael wanted the whole family thing with someone else, but all Cael wanted was to have it all with Zach. The looks Zach had mentioned had everything to do with what he would never have with Zach. Cael had always hidden his emotions, but lately, he’d found it far more difficult. The fact that Zach thought Cael didn’t want him tore him up inside.
“Why would you care if I didn’t want you? You’re not gay.”
“Because, you know me better than anyone, including all my flaws. I mean, be honest. If I was gay, would you date me?”
Cael’s heart sputtered in his chest. I would do so much more than that. “Of course I would.”
“Yeah, right.”
Zach turned away. Cael reached out and grabbed his arm to keep him from leaving, having no clue what he was doing. His brain had checked out of the conversation. “Zach—”
“Don’t. I don’t need you to lie to me to make me feel better.”
“I wasn’t—”
Taylor’s sudden, ear-piercing cry cut off the conversation and drew both their attention.
“Shit,” Zach muttered, dropping his head.
“You know what, I’ll take care of her. You need a break. Go…” Cael paused, sighing heavily, as Zach looked back up at him, waiting. “Go grab another beer if you really want.” Cael turned and started down the hall, leaving Zach to his own devices.
Entering Taylor’s room, Cael turned the light up just enough to see clearly and found her standing in her crib, crying hard and shaking her head back and forth as she smacked at her ear.
“Hey, Tay-tay. What’s the matter, sweetie?” He spotted her binky on the floor beneath her crib and bent to scoop it up before lifting her out. The moment she saw it, Taylor grabbed the pacifier from his hand and jammed it in her mouth. That seemed to calm her a little, but she continued to cry intermittently as she laid her head on his shoulder.
Cael wandered back and forth around the little room, swaying as he went, hoping to soothe her back to sleep. Poor thing. He wondered if maybe she was teething or something. That cry sounded like one of pain and though her cry had softened a little, it was clear something was still hurting her.
With Taylor resting against him, Cael made his way back out to find Zach. Standing in the kitchen, staring across the open space toward the living room fireplace, Zach rested back against the counter.
“Hey,” Cael said.
Zach looked at him, his eyes strained and almost lost. Cael hated that look, and it had been happening far too often lately. Cael vowed to fix that in a few, after he took care of munchkin. Not sure how yet, but he couldn’t have Zach thinking he was ever alone in this.
“You still have some of that baby ibuprofen?”
“Yeah,” Zach breathed more than said. He pushed off the counter and opened the cabinet near the stove. As Zach prepped a dose of pain reliever for her, Cael slowly rocked behind him.
Cael didn’t understand how Zach could think no one wanted him. He’d dated a handful of girls. He just hadn’t found the right person yet. Cael wished he could be that person for Zach, but it was obvious that wouldn’t ever happen. He couldn’t tell him either, even though Chloe kept telling him that he needed to. She’d said it would help, but he didn’t see how it would do anything other change the way things were between them, and not for the better.
His gaze lingered on Zach’s face as he turned with the half-filled medicine dropper in his hand
and came over to him and Taylor. The poor thing didn’t even lift her head. With some effort, Zach pulled the binky from her mouth, and she opened for the meds—something to which she’d become fairly accustomed after breaking her arm. Zach leaned in closer as she sucked the purple liquid up, then he replaced the binky in her mouth and stepped back, away from Cael and toward the sink.
Cael let out the breath he’d held from the moment Zach stepped so close that he could smell the subtle, fresh citrus scent in his hair. God, he had no freakin’ clue how much Cael wanted him, and these little moments that shouldn’t have been intimate but were, made his heart beg him to do the unthinkable and just tell him how he felt. Cael wanted desperately to tell Zach that he never had to worry about him getting married and starting his own family because he couldn’t imagine doing that with anyone other than him.
But when he knew that only rejection waited on the other side, it simply made more sense to keep all those wishes and secrets to himself and just live for those little intimate moments for as long as he could.
After rinsing the medicine dropper, Zach turned and came back to stand in front of Cael, raising both hands toward Taylor. “I can take her if you want,” he said softly.
“I’ve got her, Pook. Grab a beer and go relax.”
Zach shook his head, putting his hands down, then slowly backed up until his back hit the granite countertop. He gave Cael that deep, contemplating look again. One he’d seen more than once over the last few weeks, but this time, it was a little different, and it made Cael smile.
“What?” Cael whispered.
Zach quirked his lips, his gaze dropping for a few seconds before coming back up to meet Cael’s again. “Nothing.”
“What, Zach?” he said, his voice more commanding but still caring.
Zach huffed a sigh. “Would you mind staying tonight? I haven’t slept well in days. Taylor’s been up every few hours crying for the last few nights, and I could just really use some sleep.”
“Yeah, no kidding,” Cael snorted. “Especially after your little melt down a few minutes ago.”
“Shut up. I don’t just melt for anyone you know.”
Cael quirked one eyebrow.
“Melt down, I mean.”
Cael laughed as the words flew out of Zach’s mouth.
Zach’s face reddened. “I don’t just melt down in front of anyone. You know what I meant. I’m just… ”
“Cute?”
“No.” Zach rolled his eyes at him, making Cael want to laugh again. “Tired.”
“Apparently. But yeah, I’ll stay.”
Zach smiled as though he hadn’t expected him to agree. “Thanks, man. I owe you.”
“You’ve been racking up a lot of debt lately,” Cael smirked, still swaying in the middle of the kitchen, waiting for Taylor to fall asleep.
“You can say no anytime, you know,” Zach said, cracking another smile that Cael was glad to see.
“Could. But then I wouldn’t have the fun of cashing in all those IOUs.”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re gonna drag me out to a gay bar again?”
Cael laughed quietly. “That was fun, and funny, watching you get hit on by a bunch of guys and trying to be nice about turning them down.”
Zach rolled his eyes, then pointed at Taylor. “I think she’s asleep,” he whispered.
After a slow but successful attempt at putting Taylor back in her bed, Cael sneaked out of her room with his back to the hallway as he cracked the door closed. Taking a step backward, he turned and walked back to the kitchen where Zach still stood, zoning out again.
“Munchkin’s out, for now.”
“Thanks,” he said without blinking, as if on autopilot.
“Dude, you’re beat. Go to bed, and don’t get out of it until at least two hours after the sun comes up.”
Zach nodded slowly, then finally blinked and regarded Cael, again with a deep, soul-searching look that he couldn’t figure out. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“If I asked you to do something important for me, would you do it?”
“Depends. Is it illegal?”
Zach shook his head.
“Then yeah, I’d do it.”
“You don’t even know what it is.”
“Doesn’t matter. It’s important to you. That’s all I need to know.”
Zach chewed at his bottom lip.
“Why? Is there something you need me to do?” Cael asked.
“I, uh…” His brows pulled together, Zach cocked his head, thinking intently while still biting on his lip. He took a deep breath. “I think so. Just, uh… I don’t know. Yet. Fuck.” He muttered the last word under his breath, but Cael caught it anyway.
“Okay,” Cael said, drawing out the word.
“Never mind. I’m just really fucking tired.”
“Sleep deprived, I’d say. Next thing I know, you’re gonna go all girly on me and want to talk about feelings and shit.” Cael laughed, hoping to lighten him up a little.
“Shut up,” Zach snapped, laughing too. Perfect.
“Okay. You. Bed. Go.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m going.”
As Zach walked past him, Cael found himself needing to say one more thing before Zach went off to sleep. Cael reached out and clasped Zach by the elbow.
“Hey, Pook?”
Zach stopped and looked up at him, and Cael had to stop himself from taking a fast breath. With the way Zach looked at him so expectantly, it took everything in Cael not to lean down and kiss him. Geez, he really needed to get control of himself.
“Um, about what you said earlier… You’re not alone. I promise you won’t ever be alone.”
Zach pressed his lips into a thin line, his eyes searching Cael’s. Zach moved infinitesimally closer and tilted his head up, jolting Cael’s heart into a sudden, irregular, fast beat before sucking in a quiet breath and stepping back.
“Thanks, Cael,” he whispered, then slipped away, disappearing down the hall and into his bedroom.
Heart racing, Cael stood frozen in the kitchen, racking his brain for some logical explanation as to what had just happened. In that briefest of moments, it had almost felt as though Zach was going to kiss him, but that couldn’t be right, and Cael reasoned that he wanted it so badly, he’d imagined it all. There was just no way that what he thought he saw could have been real.
Chapter 9
Holy shit, I almost did it.
I almost kissed him.
Zach had wanted to. He’d wanted to kiss Cael for weeks now. Part of him was curious to see if he would enjoy kissing another guy, but the other part of him wanted to know if kissing his best friend would be everything he kept thinking it might be. Especially since, after all this time, he’d finally figured how just how blind he’d been.
Others had told him he needed to open his eyes, but when his mom whispered it to him on the day of Abbey’s accident, she’d added four little words that had made him sit up and listen. Before it’s too late.
That’s when Zach realized he was missing something important that had to be right in front of him, and the longer he took to figure it out, the more he risked losing whatever or whoever it was, so he did what everyone kept telling him to do. He opened his eyes.
Zach had remembered Megan telling him he was in love with someone else, so he’d paid more attention to the people around him. He’d asked himself, who, of those closest to him, could he not live without. With whom did he enjoy spending time that he wasn’t related to? With whom could he laugh and cry? Who could he go to for anything? Who knew him better than he knew himself sometimes? Whom would his heart ache for if he waited too long and they ended up with someone else?
As unexpected as it was, Cael was the only person who had come to mind.
At the time, that realization had thrown Zach for loop. After all, he’d never thought of himself as bisexual. It didn’t bother him to think that maybe he was. He just didn’t understand why it took h
im so long to figure it out.
Since then, he’d looked at Cael a little differently, and had spent countless times imagining moments in his life without him. Moments like today, when Cael stopped him from grabbing another beer, or when he held Taylor while Zach gave her the medicine. When he imagined Cael not being there—not being a part of those moments— it fucking hurt, more than it probably should have.
Zach should have asked Cael to kiss him, but he’d worried that Cael would laugh or worse, simply not want to. Just because Zach knew now that he was in love with his best friend didn’t mean Cael felt the same about him. Just because he kept dropping everything at a moment’s notice to help him these last few weeks or didn’t even hesitate to sleep over and help with Taylor so Zach could sleep tonight or promised him he’d never be alone… it didn’t mean he loved Zach as anything more than his best friend. Cael had always put everyone else first before himself. Zach wasn’t any different.
Taylor’s harsh cry echoed through the walls. Zach groaned, his muscles tensing. Then he heard Cael’s muffled voice and relaxed, so grateful for yet another moment that he was there.
Fuck his brain’s attempt to convince him there was nothing more between them. First things first. Zach needed to somehow get Cael to kiss him.
***
Zach woke to the sun gleaming through his bedroom window and Cael’s voice somewhere in another room, which made him smile. He felt rested and better than he’d felt in weeks, and he owed it all to Cael for, once again, dropping whatever his plans had been to stay and help him.
Zach glanced at the clock. Shit. It was almost ten. He never slept that late.
After enjoying a full body stretch, Zach climbed out of bed and grabbed his pajama pants. He pulled them on before heading to the toilet to take a leak. On his way out to the kitchen, he grabbed the T-shirt wadded up at the end of his bed and yanked it over his head.
The scene Zach stumbled into was way too fucking perfect to be real.
Taylor sat in her high chair next to the kitchen table, eating and playing with the Cheerios on her tray, her sippy cup actually standing upright in the little cup holder. Cael talked with someone on the phone, his back to Zach as he walked in, as he cooked something in a frying pan on the stove. Oh, and he was shirtless, wearing only a pair of jeans—a sight Zach had seen many times before but had never fully appreciated until now. Zach imagined how it might feel to sneak up behind him and run his hands down his muscular back before slipping them around his waist and across his abs as he splayed little kisses along his shoulder.
Before It's Too Late (Troubled Hearts Book 3) Page 9