In Her Own Time

by Annie Reynolds

  I recover first “Hi, Beth.”

  “Hi, Nash. How are you?”

  “I’m good. How are you?” The formalities were strained, internally I was screaming and I wanted to pull her into my arms, feel her body against mine. Smell her hair, inhale her perfume. Taste her lips with my tongue. I wanted to consume her.

  “Pregnant.” I think I’ve heard her wrong, but when her eyes widen and her hand raises to cover her mouth I know I have heard her correctly.

  Beth was pregnant.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Beth

  “What did you just say?”

  “Ah, excuse me, please. I need to …” I needed to get away from him, I had not been expecting to see Nash again, not yet, well not until I had a chance to work out how I wanted to tell him about the baby. The visit to the doctor on Monday had confirmed that I was indeed 100% pregnant and now I was 100% in a tailspin.

  I try to move past him, but Nash gently grabs my arm, and I can’t bring myself to pull away, his touch felt like he had never left. I wanted to throw myself into his arms, and have him comfort me and tell me we’d be okay, and he would be there for me and our baby. But I knew expecting that was only stuff fairytales are made of.

  When he drops his hand I use it as my opportunity to escape. I rush out the door toward the ladies bathroom. Ever since the pregnancy had been confirmed I had terrible bouts of morning sickness, luckily Julia was oblivious.

  Instead, she had spent most of the week out of the office, so it had given me a reprieve for having to explain the multiple toilet dashes I had needed to do, I had even once thrown up in the wastebasket at my desk.

  Locking the stall, I put the seat down on the toilet and sit, waiting for my heart rate to return to normal and catch my breath.

  Less than a minute passes when I hear the bathroom door open, and as soon as I hear his footsteps I know it is Nash.

  “Beth, are you in here?”

  “Yes, but you shouldn’t be, this is the ladies bathroom, Nash.”

  “I know what it is, Beth, and I know you were running away from me again. I thought we were past this.” I could tell from his tone he was trying not to be pissed off.

  “What do you want?” I felt like I was back in high school and I was running away from a bully to eat my lunch. But I wasn’t in high school, I was a god damn grown woman and Nash wasn’t a bully, but I was still running away. The echo of our words shattered the illusion of privacy. The words echoing unnaturally off the walls.

  “I want you to come out here and talk to me, sweetheart.”

  “No.”

  “Beth, don’t be childish.” He was right, I was being childish, and I sigh before unlocking the cubicle. Opening the door I hadn’t expected to see the concern on Nash’s face, but there it was.

  “You’re pregnant?” All I can muster was a nod. “How?”

  I roll my eyes, his stupid question irritated me, if he didn’t know how then maybe he shouldn’t have been doing anything that causes it. I push past him to wash my hands. The cool water soothing as it trickled across my skin.

  “I don’t mean how, I just…” He runs his hand through his hair, I am jealous of that hand, I wish it were mine. “Is it mine?” His question was like he had slapped me in the face with that I had just been so jealous of. Narrowing my eyes at him through the mirror, I spin around to face him.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I could hear my voice raise, I was on the verge of becoming hysterical; something else I did not do in public.

  “I just mean, I thought we used protection, we were careful.”

  “It is yours, but don’t worry Nash, it is not your responsibility and obviously we weren’t as careful as you thought.” The anger I had been feeling was taken over by the tears I could feel burning behind my eyes.

  I storm past him and I’m grateful he doesn’t follow me immediately. When I get back to my desk Julia has arrived and is at hers, I needed the distraction of the work she’d dumped on my desk. For the first time ever I was grateful to Julia for her lack of accountability.

  “Darling, could you please come in for a moment?”

  “Sure Julia.” I do my best to square my shoulders and blow out a breath to gather myself before stepping through the doorway into her office. “Did you need something?”

  “Mr. Gibson will be back in the office today.” She looks over my shoulder. “Oh, here he is now.” She calls for Nash to join us, he appears to have gathered his composure and has fixed his professional mask back in place.

  “Good morning, Julia, nice to see you again.”

  “Beth, Mr. Gibson, I’m sorry,” Julia falters before pasting on her signature smile. “Nash, will be here until the end of the project. I expect you will be as helpful to him as you were Angus.”

  I can easily read the flash of anger cross Nash’s face, he has misinterpreted Julia’s meaning, and it is clear he is jealous because of it and I have no intention of correcting him, let him think what he wants because as far as I am concerned he has cemented himself back at arsehole status.

  Nash doesn’t attempt to speak to me again during the day, nor does he ask for any of my help, not even when Julia left the office for a meeting did he try to make eye contact.

  They are both still working when I shut my computer down and leave for the day, riding the empty elevator down to the ground floor I had never felt more alone. I was tempted to climb again and run back to the office into Nash’s arms, I can’t deny that I was drawn to him or that I seek comfort in his arms.

  I had just started to fill the tub with what when there was a knock at the door. Turning the taps back off I leave to answer it.

  It feels like my heart almost stops as the door opens, revealing the intruder. “Nash? What are you doing here?”

  “I think we have a bit to talk about. Don’t you?”

  Staying silent, I allow him to enter. He follows me to the living room but doesn’t sit next to me on the sofa, instead takes a seat sitting on the opposite side of the room from me, dwarfing the space with his masculine frame.

  “I’m sorry for how I reacted before. It was a shock, and I thought we had been smart.” Nash is on edge and his words hurt more than they should.

  “I’m not making this up, Nash, and I’m not trying to trap you if that is what you think. Like I said before this baby isn’t your responsibility, I have made the decision to keep him or her, and so I’m taking full responsibility for raising him or her.” I sit on the couch, my legs no longer feeling like I can trust them to hold me upright.

  “What if I want to take responsibility?” Nash moves from his seat to sit beside me, twisted to face me so our knees are almost touching.

  “I don’t need your money, we don’t need your money.” My hand automatically covers my stomach, drawing Nash’s eyes down.

  “Can we step back a minute? I’m still trying to get my head around this.”

  “You’re not the only one.” I laugh, but there is no humour in it.

  “How pregnant are you?”

  “You mean other than 100%?” His question seems ridiculous and I do my best not to laugh out loud.

  “No, sweetheart. How far along?” His voice softens.

  “Almost five weeks.” I can see he is confused. “Pregnancy is worked out on the last –,” I shake my head, choosing to save him the more intimate details, “It doesn’t matter.” .

  “Oh. I don’t mean any disrespect Beth, but you’re sure it is mine.”

  “No question, you have been the only man I have been with for a while, and definitely the only one who I have been stupid enough to screw without protection.”

  I can see him processing the timeline, and then it dawns on him. “Oh, the shower.”

  “Yeah.” I press my lips into a hard line.

  “How have you been feeling?” The genuine concern in his voice almost bringing me undone, tipping the fragile emotional edge I was already teetering on.

  “You mean other than o
ver emotional and irrational? I’m tired and achy all over, I was about to have a bath before you interrupted.” I pout.

  “Does it help?”

  “Does what help?” Now it was my turn to be confused.

  “The bath. Does it help relax you?”

  “Most of the time.”

  “Come on then, let’s get you in the tub.”

  “What? No.” Being naked around him was far too intimate and it was more than I could handle right now.

  “Okay then, you go soak and I will order some dinner, when you get out we are going to talk about this some more.”

  “You don’t get to come in here being all demanding and acting like an arsehole, Nash.” What did he think there was to discuss, I’ve already decided that I was going to keep the baby, it was my decision to make because it was my body and I have already started to work things out financially on how we will live. I didn’t want any help or complication from Nash.

  “Fine, forget about the god damn food, but you don’t get to make this choice for the both of us, or the three of us and then push me away. You told me you wouldn’t run, Beth, and there you are lacing up your fucking trainers.” I could see the anger in him beginning to mount, he was repeatedly clenching and releasing his hands.

  “And you don’t get to yell at me, Nash.” I say back, my own voice rising with frustration.

  “Well, you don’t get to make decisions on your own that will have an effect on both of our lives.”

  “Is that your way of telling me you want me to get rid of the baby? Because it isn’t going to have any effect on your life. This is my decision.”

  “No, that is not what I am saying, but it would’ve been nice if we could’ve discussed it before any decision was made either way.”

  “You weren’t here!” I raise my voice at him again.

  “That shouldn’t make one fucking bit of difference, Beth. I would’ve thought you could’ve at least removed your head from your arse long enough to call me about such a huge decision.” He stands and begins to pace. Running his hands through his hair, his tell I’d come to realise of his frustration. “It’s called common courtesy, Beth.”

  “Oh really, you wanted me to call you back in London, tell you that you had knocked me up and then what, Nash? How did you see this little fairytale playing out for us? A monthly cheque and cards on birthdays?”

  “Is that how you see this fairytale playing out? I mean, of course, it would help with feeling miserable about the whole situation, and it gives you a convenient scapegoat, right?”

  “What would you know about misery, Nash, and who are you to judge me on how I’m going to raise my child.”

  “Our child.” He corrects me.

  “The last thing this child is going to do is grow up in a home where it feels like it is not good enough, or it’s worthy of love. If you aren’t even going to be in the same country as where the baby lives then I can’t see how you think an occasional visit or phone call is going to be enough for it to feel safe and supported in its life.”

  Nash recoils as if I’d slapped him, “This isn’t about me as a dad, Beth, this is about you as a mother. So you want to be honest with me for once and tell me what the truth is here?”

  I had said too much, and Nash has realised it. He was beginning to see right through me, and that alone was starting to scare me.

  “The truth? You want to hear about being the child in the shadows, the one who couldn’t shine on her own after being reminded repeatedly David was better at sports. David was smarter. David was more popular. David had better career goals and how proud they were of him? Do you want to know that even after his death David is still the favourite child? I can’t even do the right thing by them by still being alive.” A sob escapes me, but the anger burns brighter than the tears in the back of my eyes. “David was so thoughtful. David was so accommodating. David always called Mum on her birthday. David always had such amazing stories. David was going to get married to the love of his life and have 3.2 children, live in the perfect house with the perfect wife and perfect children, working the perfect job.” I twist my hands together, still on the verge of tears. Struggling to not let the anger defeat or weakening me.

  “Beth, if your parents make you feel like they can only see what you aren’t, then they’re missing out on everything you are.” Nash stops pacing, joining me on the sofa. “Sweetheart, you are the most stubborn and determined woman I have ever met. You’re stunning and demanding and so incredibly generous and loving. I love how fierce you are, and how you can call me out and that you have a tendency to level me with just an arched eyebrow. This baby of ours is going to be lucky if they grow up half as strong and resilient as you are. You should know I have no intentions of being a part-time parent, I will fight you on that if you think I’m going to let you push me away and do it on your own.”

  “Is that a threat Nash? Do you think you are going to challenge me for custody?”

  “No, sweetheart, I’m telling you that you won’t be doing this on your own. No matter what it takes.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Nash

  Beth was having my baby. We were having a baby. Holy shit!

  Suddenly, I realise how far I’m out of my depth. My comfort zone was now only a tiny light speck on the horizon.

  “Beth? Do you need anything?” She had not fought me when I suggested that she should go and have the soak in the bath that was going to help her body relax.

  “I, ah, forgot to get a towel. Could you please grab me one from the closet in the hall?”

  Opening the door I try to not look at her, she is naked in the tub after all and it feels like any right I have to appreciate her body went out the window the day my plane left the terminal gate.

  “Nash?” Her voice is a whisper, a sweet whisper of my name.

  I hold the towel in front of my face, doing anything I can to resist the temptation.

  “Yes, sweetheart?”

  “I’m sorry for acting like a real bitch, I’m just so confused, and this whole thing frightens the life out of me.”

  I can no longer resist looking at her, I can see the genuine fear in her eyes. “I am too, but we will work it out, together. I promise you.”

  She only nods and trails her hand over the water surface. “Will you join me?”

  Without hesitation, I strip naked and climb in behind her, the tub is not spacious by any stretch of the imagination but it is nice being so close to her after being so far away.

  “I need you to talk to me, Beth, and I think you need it too.”

  “You’re telling me what I need now? How did you get to think you know so much about me and my needs, stud?”

  “Well let me explain it to you the best way I can. You acted like you couldn’t stand me the first time we met, but I think you were just so damn attracted to me you couldn’t cope. Then the opportunity to spend the night with me presented itself and you couldn’t get naked quick enough, if I am correct I believe it was to the tune of Touch It. I mean it wouldn’t have been my first choice of song for a striptease but who was I to argue.” I trail the tips of my fingers up and down her arms, enjoying the goosebumps that develop on her flawless skin.

  “You relished the opportunity to see me naked and that just set off a chain reaction for you, then comes the need. You needed to see me again, you stalked Joe’s for a week after you thought it might be the opportunity you needed, I’ve never know you to be clumsy, Beth, but maybe that was something you developed over the years or it’s just the reaction I have on you. I’m used to women jaw-dropping not phone dropping but you are a unique specimen. Now, I know you didn’t hate the dinner we had together, or even being referred to as my date at that function your office threw; in my honour might I add, but the truth is if you didn’t need something from me you would have simply found the elevator instead of knocking on my hotel door and if you didn’t need me you wouldn’t have invited me back here that weekend. You enjoyed the games as much as
I did, but we both knew how this was going to end, maybe not with a baby on the way, but it was always going to be some pretty fucking amazing sex. The kind where we are ruined for any other person.” Like I am, there is no one else for me now, I add silently. I sponge water over her chest, watching as the rivulets trickle down toward her stomach, causing her nipples to pebble. I feel her shudder against me.

  “You’re amazingly self-assured.”

  “I know you want this baby to have both of its parents in its life,” I reach down and rest my hand over Beth’s stomach. “I want you to give me the chance to be the father our baby deserves. I am here for the both of you.”

  “Nash, I wish I could believe that.”

  “Are you even willing to try? I know it is scary, sweetheart, but the way I see it, we have more to gain by trying than that if we don’t.”

  “Tell me which part do we get to gain? You live in London, and I am here. You work in London, I work here. Your life is in London, and my life is here.”

  “The reality is yes I will need to go back to London, but not in the way you think; or for the time you think either. I’ll be back in Australia before the birth, one way or another, sweetheart.” I feel her body relax, as she lays her head back against my shoulder, I feel a little bit of hope beginning to stir inside of me.

  “I wish it were all that easy because I can’t do this on my own.”

  “You won’t have to.” I kiss the top of her head, my mind whirling with how I can make this work. I had less than nine months to convince Beth that I’m in this for the long haul and for her to realise I’m the one she wants. The only one.

  Beth tires easily, so after we dry off she gets ready for bed, seeing her dressed in my t-shirt and shorts does crazy things to me, it stirs in me an emotion I have never felt before. There is an ache in my chest and a lump in my throat.

  “Stay with me until I fall asleep?”