In Her Own Time

by Annie Reynolds

  Blowing out a breath I push the laptop away, suddenly the idea of the offer does not feel so secure or appealing. I have no doubt in my ability to keep and secure new clients, it’s just the leash they expect to have me on.

  Agitated, I punch in Beth’s number, hoping by talking it over with her I might seek some clarity.

  “Hi, stud.”

  “Hi, sweetheart, how are you feeling?”

  “Tired, sleepy, I miss you, Nash.”

  “I miss you too.” I did, it felt like a piece of me was missing, I felt like I was ripping myself off by not taking this time and spending it with Beth.

  “Then why did you leave?”

  “I can’t remember now.” Her voice is all husky from sleep, just listening to her was making my dick hard. “Maybe I should come over.”

  “It’s late. I have work in the morning, just come back tomorrow, yeah?”

  “Yes, sweetheart. Listen, I wanted to talk to you about the contract.” I fill her in on what it entails and explain my doubts and she listens, asking me questions as we go,

  “Are you worried that after it ends you will need to go back to London?” I can hear the concern in her voice.

  “No, I’m not worried about that. I made a promise to you and our baby. Nothing is changing that.”

  “Then what is the problem? Am I missing something?”

  “No I guess not, I just don’t like the idea of them having all the control. Deciding on our future like that. I’ll email Walt back and get him to send it to the lawyers. They are going to expect me back when it is finalized to sign it off, Beth.”

  “Okay, how long will that take?”

  “How long until I need to go back or how long will I be gone for?”

  “Both I guess.”

  “I’m not sure, a couple of weeks I suppose. I am taking the rest of my leave before I go back and I plan on being here with you. But when I do go, will you come with me?”

  “I ah, don’t know if I can. I’m going to need all my leave for when the baby comes.” I hated having this conversation over the phone, if I’d been there I’m certain of my abilities to convince her to come with me.

  “Isn’t that what maternity leave is for?”

  “Yeah it is, but it isn’t going to pay the rent while I’m not working and that is assuming I only need to take the regular amount of time off.”

  “Sweetheart, do I need to remind you again that you aren’t on your own, it isn’t a burden to bear on your own.”

  “The pregnancy isn’t a burden, Nash!” She was irritated, and now so was I, my ability to convey to her she wasn’t on her own was falling on deaf ears. I was at a loss on what I needed to do to convince her.

  “I meant the financial burden, Beth, not the baby.”

  “I’m sorry. I guess I am just feeling a bit restless and not listening properly.”

  “It’s okay. You should get some sleep.” Feeling like I was failing was a new feeling, maybe I should have chosen a different way to show Beth she did need me, like I needed her, spending the time apart wasn’t the answer.

  Gemma sent through the itinerary for the flight back to London at the end of the week, so we only had a few days left together before I needed to leave again.

  “I was thinking we could go out for dinner tomorrow night? What do you think?” We were snuggling together on the sofa, Beth’s head was resting in my lap, my hand resting gently on her stomach as we watched the TV.

  “What day we you thinking?” She turns her head enough to look up at me.

  “Not sure, you got a hot date or something this week you can’t miss?”

  “No, I have plans with Grets this week.”

  “All week?”

  “No, not all week.” She pushes up on her elbow to roll her eyes at me before settling back in my lap.

  “What day do you have plans with Gretna then?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I take a deep breath, I know there is something up, and without asking her I could be guessing forever. “Beth, what’s going on? You’re being evasive and it seems to be on purpose.”

  She sits back up, straightens and her eyes fixed on me with a stern look. “No, I am not.”

  “No you’re right, you’re behaving like a brat. I only asked if you wanted to go out for dinner, and if you don’t, just say so, otherwise, tell me what is on your mind.” I refused to play mind games, we needed to get on the same page and I needed her to feel like she could trust me, with anything. “I had hoped we would see each other as much as possible before I left, but if you have other plans then, okay.”

  “Nash, I am kind of trying to get used to you not being around again, I find it really hard when you don’t stay over on the nights you go back to the hotel. It is lonely in the bed by myself. I just figured if I started doing things on my own again I will survive you going back to London.”

  “Oh, sweetheart,” Did this put me back in arsehole category? Yeah, I’m pretty sure it did. “I‘m only going to be gone as long as I need to be. I’m coming back, so any thoughts of that I’m not you should get out of that beautiful head of yours right now. We’ve been over this.” I do my best to reassure her.

  “I know. I guess maybe I’m just tired and over emotional. I’m sorry, I hate feeling like this.”

  “It’s okay, I understand, but you need to realise that it’s frustrating that you still think I’m not in this 100%. I don’t know what else I can do to make you see it, Beth.” Impatiently, I run a hand through my hair and exhale quickly. “I’m here, I am not going anywhere. Please, just tell me what you need me to do for you to believe it.”

  “I know you are trying, Nash,” She rests her hand on my cheek as her eyes fixed on mine. She looked defeated and it broke my heart. “I am too.”

  “It feels like we’re at a stalemate here, Beth. I thought we were getting to a place where we could consider moving in together once the baby was here, so he or she had both parents under the same roof, to be raised by both of us.” Standing up I feel like I need to stretch my legs, to release some of the pent-up frustration that was beginning to take over my body.

  The look of shock on Beth’s face made it apparent that she hadn’t even considered the idea.

  “How many times do you need me to apologise, Nash?”

  “Zero, I don’t want you to apologise, I just want you to relax and give us a chance. I want to know where we stand.” I was starting to feel we were swimming in circles, with dry land barely a speck on the horizon.

  “I don’t want to live with you; it is too much for me to process right now. I need time to get my head around what is happening here.”

  “You’re right, sweetheart, you need time to decide what you want to do with our baby. You tell me you miss me when I leave you and yet, here we are, you can’t consider living together. You better make up your mind quick because the baby is going to be here before we know it. I think it could be best if I stay the next couple of night at the hotel, give you some space to process what it is you want.” I clench my hands into fists, I was worried if I didn’t I would reach out for her, beg her to love me, and stay the night with her. I make my feet move, heading toward the door.

  “Nash, wait.” My feet halt their retreat, maybe she was about to tell me what I needed to hear. “You will come back won’t you?”

  “Yes, sweetheart, because I’ve already made up my mind on wanting this between us.”

  I consider calling a taxi, deciding against it, the walk back to the hotel might do me good.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Beth

  As soon as I heard the door lock click I let the tears I’d been holding back, flow. Staring at the door I will him to walk back through it, to come back so we can talk things through, but he doesn’t, not during the five minutes I stand there and not in the following ten.

  Giving up waiting for him to come back I run the bath, maybe a soak and some music will distract me from the mess I have created, even if it is j
ust for a short while.

  The house feels quiet and lonely with Nash’s presence absent, I feel like I’m climbing the walls without him being here.

  “Hi, Beth. So good to hear from you.” Gretna’s voice is like a ray of sunshine breaking through the grey clouds.

  “Hi Toots, sorry I haven’t called earlier.”

  “It’s okay, we’ve all got things keeping us busy; Ella, growing babies, handsome men, work, that kind of thing. So how have you been?”

  “I don’t know, Grets. How about this for a list, crazy, tired, irrational, emotional, bloated, you can take your pick.”

  ‘Oh honey, where is Nash? Why isn’t he weaving his magic to make you feel better?”

  “He’s, ah.” I can’t control my voice or the tears, damn hormones.

  “Beth, are you okay?”

  “Not really, Grets.”

  “I’m on my way, see you in a few.”

  “Oh Grets, you don’t need to do that.” She had already hung up. Why was she so good to me, even when I didn’t deserve it?

  It doesn’t take long until Gretna is on my doorstep, letting her in she immediately pulls me into a hug without saying a word.

  “You didn’t have to come, Toots, I was thinking of just having an early night.”

  “Are you kidding me? You’re growing a baby in there, one day soon I am going to be an aunty again. Can you imagine telling the child I didn’t look after you properly before she or he was born? No chance. Come on, sit down and I will make us some tea.”

  “Tea sounds good. Thank you.”

  We both have a steaming mug in front of us sitting on the couch; Gretna speaks first, her voice full of concern.

  “So, Nash has gone back to London?”

  “No, he’s gone back his hotel, I think he needs some space from me.”

  “I find that hard to believe, Beth, he adores you. You want to talk about what has happened?”

  “Well, in a nutshell, he wants to live together when the baby comes and I kind of told him I didn’t want to.”

  “Is that the truth?”

  “I don’t know, I’m scared of getting too attached to him and then he realises that he wants something different, something better than what we have.”

  “He might also realise he wants a pink unicorn or a red convertible, you can’t punish him for something you have no idea will even happen. What if, what he wants is you and your baby, and to have a home for the three of you?”

  I wipe the tears threatening to flow over; I’m more confused than ever. My list of pros and cons are taunting me, proving to be so far useless.

  “I know the bright shiny version of the future, but being realistic is something I’m more familiar with Grets. I want him around for our baby. He’s told me he will be around and I believe he wouldn’t just abandon his child.”

  “So you’re worried he’s going to abandon you?”

  “I suppose, I’m worried I’m going to come to rely on him and he’s going to let me down.”

  “Sounds to me, Bethy, that you have already made your mind up about that without giving him the chance.” Gretna pats my hand.

  I muster a weak smile, “You two must be reading from the same book because that sounds like something Nash would say. I need the loo, baby has decided that this last week that I should pee more.”

  I use the bathroom break to gather my thoughts, but instead, it does the polar opposite, I notice some blood spot in my panties and immediately begin to panic.

  “Gretna! Gretna!” Like a swat team, she’s pushing in through the door.

  “What is it?”

  “I’m bleeding.” With the words I see her expression change, it goes from concern to focused within a blink of an eye. Given any other situation, I would have praised her for being the one in charge.

  “Right, well we best get you off to the hospital, I’m sure it’s nothing but we better get you checked just to be on the safe side.”

  “Okay.” My voice wavering.

  “I’ll grab you a change of clothes and some pajamas just in case.” She winks at me and attempts a smile, but the truth in her eyes was she was as worried as I am.

  I can tell that Gretna is trying to remain calm for my sake; I feel like I’m already teetering on the edge of losing it. I’ve already tried to call Nash twice with no success. I leave a voicemail on the third try as we are pulling in to the car park at the hospital.

  It doesn’t take long before I’m settled into a room, waiting on Maria to arrive to see me. Gretna has not left my side since we arrived; she’d called Matt to let him know where she was and told him she would be here as long as I needed her. It was comforting to know I could rely on her, that she was willing to be there for me.

  I try Nash one more time as Maria enters the room. She is smiling, but I can’t tell if it is genuine or whether it is focused for my own sake.

  “Good evening, Beth, the nurse tells me you have a little spotting. Let’s have a look and sort this bother out okay.”

  I just nod and lay back, willing myself to relax, keeping my eyes on Gretna as she strokes my hair back from my face. I inhale deeply, letting out the jagged breath as I do the best I can not to freak out whilst trying to prepare myself for the worst possible news.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Nash

  When I pull my phone from my locker I can see I have four missed calls from Beth. Punching redial, I call her back, a sense of panic rising inside me.

  “Beth?”

  “No, its Gretna, Nash, Beth has been trying to call you.”

  “I didn’t have my phone on me. What’s going on? Is she okay?”

  “Beth was bleeding, she’s in with the doctor at the moment. Can you come now? She needs you.”

  “I’m on my way.” My heart sinks, Beth had been bleeding. What does that mean? Is the baby okay? The stupid argument we’d been having this morning felt incredibly trivial now.

  I see Gretna in the hall and head directly for her, skipping the formalities. “How is she?”

  “She’s tired, but she’s going to be okay.”

  “Thank you for being there for her Gretna.”

  “Sure, Beth is like my sister, we take care of our own, we look out for one another.” I can’t help but feel like Gretna has more to say, but we are interrupted by the ward nurse.

  “Mr. Gibson, Bethany is asking after you.”

  Beth is curled up on the bed, I have never seen her so tiny and fragile. “Sweetheart?”

  “Nash?”

  “Yes, sweetheart, I’m here now.” Her eyes are red and her cheeks are streaked with tears.

  “I called and called you. I needed you, we needed you.” The sadness in her eyes is unmistakable. “Where were you, Nash?”

  “I know, and I should have been there. I’m so so sorry.” I climb on to the bed beside her, thankfully she doesn’t resist me as I pull her back into my arms. “I was at the gym and had left my phone in the locker. How are you feeling?”

  “I’ve never been more frightened in my life.”

  “I am so sorry Beth.” I plant a kiss on her forehead as she snuggles in closer to me. “It’s going to be okay, I promise you, I am here now.”

  “I needed you here with me. Please don’t leave me again.”

  “Never, sweetheart, you should get some sleep. I’m here.”

  “Will you stay with me?”

  “Of course, there is nowhere else I would rather be.”

  It doesn’t take long before Beth’s breathing shallows and evens out, I close my eyes resting my chin on the top of her head and I am suddenly flooded with the emotion of the possibility of losing our baby.

  I wake up and Beth is watching me. It is slightly unnerving and I am a little disoriented.

  “Oh hey.”

  “Hi, stud.”

  “How are you, sweetheart?”

  “I’m much better now.”

  “You’re okay?”

  “Yes, I’m fine, really.” Her sm
ile lights the room, and I know that she really is.

  “And the baby?”

  “Baby is fine. A little blood is nothing to worry about Maria said, I know that now.” She offers me a smile, I wonder if it is for my reassurance or her own.

  “Oh, sweetheart, as long as you are both okay that is all that matters.” I kiss her forehead and hold her tight.

  “We are. Hey, Maria said she would do a scan this morning. Will you stay?”

  “Definitely.” I kiss her forehead, this had been a wakeup call and I vow never to let her down again. London was going to have to wait, there was no chance I was flying anywhere right now.

  We’re interrupted by a soft knock on the door as Maria steps into the room. “Good morning, Beth. Nash, nice to see you again.” Her smile is reassuring and gentle, I climb off the bed as she fusses with a machine off to the side of the room. “So are we ready to see this baby of yours?”

  Maria explains the process as she squirts some gel on to Beth’s stomach and runs a wand around on her skin. She presses some more buttons and then suddenly the room is filled with a racing heart, for a moment I thought it was mine, but the smile on Beth’s face tells me it is our baby’s. There are unshed tears in her eyes.

  I lift her hand to my lips and kiss her knuckles, afraid that if I don’t do something else to distract me in that moment I would be in tears as well.

  “Okay folks, here is your baby, nice and strong heartbeat, everything looks good. Perfect in fact. Would you like a photo?”

  We both nod, grinning at each other like idiots.

  “That is our baby, Nash.”

  Kissing her forehead I reply to her, over the lump in my throat. “Yes, sweetheart, it is.”

  We watch while Maria takes some images of the screen, everything else in the world seems to fade away; all the stress and worries and stupid arguments seem ridiculously trivial as we watch our baby move on the screen.

  Maria gave us the okay to go home later in the afternoon, but she stressed if there was any more bleeding then she wanted us to come straight back in. Beth was under strict instructions to rest for the next couple of days; I knew I would have to be on her case to make sure she followed orders. I got free reign to be bossy and I knew Beth was going to hate it.