Insatiable

by Val

  ‘It doesn’t matter. Off you go to Italy. Travel with that asshole. But if he so much as touches you, you’re to take the first plane back here, got it?’

  I found myself agreeing, because I was scared that if I didn’t, he might have hit me.

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘Do you promise?’

  ‘Of course, Jaime. I promise!’

  He fell silent for five minutes, and I thought the matter was over and done with.

  ‘What about you? You want to fuck him too, don’t you?’

  Yet again, I was dumbstruck. I couldn’t understand why he was saying this kind of thing all of a sudden.

  ‘No, I don’t want to fuck him in the slightest,’ I said, my words trailing away sadly.

  This time it was me who headed for the bathroom to cry. Jaime had gone too far: all at once he looked really evil, and he was obviously spoiling for a fight. He has changed so much over the past few days, he’s almost like a completely different person. In the bathroom I found a small jar I had never seen before. In it were about a hundred grams of white powder; on the label were the ingredients of a chemist’s prescription. As I was picking the jar up, Jaime came up silently behind me, and put a hand on my shoulder. I was so startled I almost dropped it.

  ‘It’s powder for the wound I have on my ankle. I have it specially prepared at a chemist’s. It’s very expensive, so leave it where it is!’

  I put the jar back on the bathroom shelf and said nothing.

  Every morning, Jaime uses a kind of scalpel to scrape off the layers of dead skin on his ankle. If he didn’t he wouldn’t be able to put on his shoe and walk properly. He has been to see several specialists and, according to him, it’s a very rare phenomenon which cannot be cured. None of them had ever seen anything like it.

  Broken Dishes

  6th August 1998

  TODAY WAS THE day for Sonia to come to dinner. Jaime stayed at home working all afternoon in a room we’ve put a desk in, while I prepared the food in the kitchen. I’ve never liked cooking much, but I’ve taught myself through reading about it, because Jaime likes to eat well at lunch and dinnertime. No sandwiches or snacks, he warned me from the start.

  While Sonia was having an aperitif in the living room, I went to find Jaime and tell him our guest had arrived. He had locked himself in the room, as if there was a treasure in there that only he should know about.

  ‘Are you coming for dinner, darling?’ I asked gently, so as not to upset him. ‘Sonia’s here.’

  Without opening the door, Jaime replied that he’d be with us in ten minutes, after he had taken a quick shower and changed his clothes. I went back to the living room.

  ‘You don’t look happy, Val. What’s wrong? Is everything all right?’

  I didn’t want to talk to my friend about the arguments Jaime and I had been having lately. I decided to give her a very different explanation.

  ‘It’s just that I’m very tired. It’s my new job. There’s a lot to do, and I have to get used to it. Don’t forget, I haven’t worked full-time for months.’

  I’ve lost weight recently, and Sonia insisted there must be some other reason for it.

  ‘You’ve only been working a week! And you’ve lost four kilos! Are you sure there isn’t something else you don’t want to talk about?’

  ‘Yes, I’m sure, Sonia. Don’t worry.’

  I put on my best smile in order to convince her. She’s become a bit too curious lately, questioning everything I do. When Jaime appeared, he looked fantastic: he was fresh and really handsome. He was also on his best behaviour, and when I introduced him to Sonia I could tell from her expression that she was impressed by his good looks. Exactly as I expected.

  ‘The famous Sonia! We meet at last!’ said Jaime, kissing her hand.

  We women are always attracted by this outmoded habit. Sonia was in seventh heaven.

  ‘I’ve wanted so much to meet you too, Jaime. I knew you had to be someone special to steal Val’s heart away.’

  Sonia went on looking at him, doubtless thinking he looked much younger than his age.

  We spent a very pleasant evening, with Jaime being completely enchanting with both Sonia and me. There was a real sparkle in his eyes, accentuated no doubt by the bottles of wine he insisted on opening, arguing that each course needed a different one. I could see he was drinking heavily, but I said nothing because I didn’t want to spoil the magic of the occasion. We talked mostly about Sonia: her life and our long friendship. Then Jaime talked a bit about himself, and how much he wanted to get married to me once his wife’s cancer had been sorted out. I was surprised he said this so openly, because before then he had not even mentioned the idea.

  ‘If all goes well, we’ll get married on the 2nd of May 1999,’ he told Sonia.

  At the end of the evening, which in fact was quite late at night, Sonia declared she wanted to go home. She too had been drinking a lot.

  ‘How did you get here?’ asked Jaime.

  ‘By taxi,’ she replied, finishing her glass of Bailey’s.

  ‘I couldn’t possibly allow as attractive a woman as you to go home by taxi at this time of night. I’ll take you. I’ll just put a jacket on . . . and off we go.’

  I didn’t see anything wrong with this idea – simply Jaime showing he was friendly to a close friend of mine. He was being nice to Sonia, but to me as well, and I liked that. Of course, Sonia’s impression of him had changed completely. He had been doing his utmost to make it an unforgettable evening, and it seemed he had succeeded. Sonia looked over at me, and I smiled my agreement, so she accepted Jaime’s offer.

  After they left, I cleared away the plates and put them in the kitchen. I did not feel like doing the dishes so late at night. When Jaime had not reappeared after more than an hour, I decided to go to bed.

  All at once I was awakened by a huge crash from the kitchen. Startled, I rushed out of bed to see what could have fallen. All the lights were out, so I did not even look to see if Jaime was in bed. When I switched the kitchen light on, I saw all the dirty plates and glasses smashed on the worktop, and bits of food all over the floor. When I saw the mess, my first reaction was to raise a hand to my mouth to stifle a scream. The kitchen looked terrible. At the far end, in the doorway of the utility room next to the street door, stood Jaime. He had his back to me, and was smoking a cigarette as he peered out of the window.

  ‘If you couldn’t be bothered to do the dishes while I was out, don’t pick up the pieces now. You can do it tomorrow: that was what you intended to do, wasn’t it?’ he said ironically.

  I didn’t dare say a word, because I could not grasp what on earth was going on.

  Jaime was still facing away from me, then all of a sudden he stubbed the cigarette out on the floor with his shoe and started shouting like a madman.

  ‘None of this would have happened if you’d washed the dishes tonight!’

  The kitchen stank of alcohol. Jaime had drunk himself senseless and when he got home he had swept all the plates to the floor in a fit of madness. Now he was trying to provoke me, and I burst into tears, but instead of making him feel remorseful, this only seemed to enrage him still further.

  ‘Don’t start crying now! Your face gets all puffed up, and you look dreadful!’

  That was the last straw. I couldn’t bear all this madness and the way he was torturing me. I ran out of the kitchen and locked myself in the bathroom, where I could cry as much as I wanted. I was splashing my face with cold water in the sink when I heard the front door slam. It was better that way. If he hadn’t left, things could have ended really nastily.

  7th August 1998

  When I left for work this morning, Jaime still hadn’t come back. He spent the whole night elsewhere, and didn’t even telephone. At the office, I felt so desperate I called Sonia.

  ‘Hello there, sweetheart,’ I said, then burst into tears before she even had time to reply.

  ‘Val, what’s wrong?’

  At first I co
uldn’t get out the words, but eventually I managed to explain what had happened.

  ‘It’s Jaime.’

  ‘You sound awful. What’s been going on?’

  ‘Sonia, what did you do last night? When Jaime got back he was completely drunk and behaved like a madman.’

  ‘What? I don’t get it. He drove me home, we chatted outside for about five minutes, then he left. That’s absolutely all. He seemed fine to me. All of us drank quite a bit last night, but he didn’t look out of control. He must have gone and drunk some more to get himself into such a state. When we said good night, he was charming.’

  ‘Yes, I know he would have been, Sonia. That’s why I can’t understand a thing. Something else must have happened, because he was like a wild beast. When he got back, he had changed completely. I was really afraid. And now I don’t know what to do. I’m still frightened. This is the second time he’s turned violent and . . .’

  ‘Has he lifted a hand to you?’ she asked, without waiting for me to finish.

  ‘No. It’s more a verbal violence directed at me and everything else that gets in his way. He smashed all the crockery last night.’

  ‘I don’t believe it . . .’

  ‘He did, and then he said that if I’d washed up, it wouldn’t have happened. It was as though he were punishing me for it. Then he stormed out. And since then I haven’t heard a thing from him.’

  I decided to swallow my pride and tell Sonia everything, thinking she might be able to explain what had happened to Jaime. But when she couldn’t make any sense of it either, I felt even more confused.

  Throughout the day I found it hard to concentrate, and I was afraid of going home. I had left without taking anything with me, but I began seriously to consider moving to Sonia’s place for a few days to take stock. My relationship with Jaime is becoming increasingly strange, and I wonder if I could ever be happy with a man like that. Something is happening to him, but I haven’t the faintest idea what. And he refuses to talk about it.

  I arrived home late. As soon as I opened the front door, I realized Jaime was already there, because the door was no longer double-locked. I started to tremble at the thought of what might happen.

  The kitchen door is immediately to the left of the entrance, and when I stepped inside the flat, I could see it was all clean and tidy.

  Jaime came out of the living room carrying an enormous bunch of roses. When I saw how apologetic he looked, I flung myself at him, in tears.

  ‘I’m so sorry!’ he said.

  He held out the bunch of roses. I was crying because on the one hand I still had no idea what had happened, and on the other I was so pleased that he was so contrite.

  ‘Don’t worry, Jaime,’ I said, still sobbing, ‘I suppose you have problems and don’t want to talk about them.’

  ‘Yes, it’s true I’ve got problems. I didn’t want to mention them so as not to hurt you. But I can see you’re suffering anyway, so I’m going to tell you everything.’

  He took me by the hand and led me into the living room. He sat down opposite me, which gave me the feeling that something really serious must be worrying him.

  ‘There are some things we’re not proud of, and for that reason we don’t want to talk about them. I thought I could sort everything out on my own, but I see now it’s been affecting the way I behave.’

  Then he launched into an explanation of his economic situation, which he’s struggling with day by day. He said he was in debt due to Joaquin, his associate, who had borrowed money from the bank a few months earlier, and asked Jaime to be his guarantor. But some time later Joaquin had stopped paying the bank, and now they were demanding the money from Jaime. He still owed five million pesetas, and even though Jaime earns large sums of money each month, he was unable to get together that much all at once, so the bank was about to seize his chalet outside Madrid.

  ‘They’re going to take away all that I sweated blood for. I’ve paid for it for years and years, and now, thanks to my partner, I’m going to lose it!’

  I could not believe what I was hearing. Yet he seemed so sincere and so upset that I did not question the truth of what he was saying.

  ‘Why did you act as Joaquin’s guarantor in the first place?’ I asked timidly.

  ‘How could I refuse? Apart from being business partners, we’re friends, Val. At least, that’s what I thought until now. Wouldn’t you do the same for Sonia? It never crossed my mind he might stop paying back the loan, and land me in this situation.’

  ‘But why did he stop paying?’

  ‘His marriage has been on the rocks for years. For the past few months he’s been drinking a lot, and spending more and more money on women. Some days when I get to work I find him asleep on his office carpet, filthy, drunk and penniless because he’s been all night in one of those clubs.’

  I was beginning to understand why Jaime had behaved the way he had with me. He must have felt cornered, and his nerves had made him lash out.

  ‘That Sunday when I came back in such a bad mood, do you remember?’ I nodded, and took his hands in mine. ‘It was because the people from the bank had been looking for me all the time I was in Malaga. On Friday I had to go to Madrid, and there I learnt about them seizing my possessions.’

  ‘Is there no way to stop it?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘By paying.’

  Jaime was in such despair that he began to cry like a baby. Someone who was always so elegant and proud had suddenly crumpled like a little boy. His head was in my hands, but I had no idea how to comfort him.

  ‘And do you know what’s the worst?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘The fact that I’m taking it out on you. I feel so threatened that I’m taking it out on the person I love most in the whole wide world!’

  I stroked his cheeks, trying to dry his tears. I was really affected by what he had said. He went on, ‘I work like crazy to have a good life and so that my family has everything they need. My children have all they could ask for. I’m giving my ex-wife a helping hand because she’s so ill and has money problems. And now this!’

  There was no way to stop the flow of his tears. I was upset and felt helpless, and yet I was glad he had finally told me the truth.

  ‘I have a week to find the money and stop the legal process. If I don’t, they’ll take the house.’

  We spent most of the night curled up together on the sofa, covered by a thin blanket I put over us when I saw Jaime start to shudder violently. He seemed exhausted, but I lay awake turning the problem over and over in my mind. There was no way I could let something like that happen to my partner. If I love him and am living with him, I have to share his anxieties. I could not be happy if he was in such a bad state. I have to do something. I have the money he needs. I decided to take the five million pesetas out of my account, and give them to him so that he wouldn’t lose his house in Madrid.

  The Seizure

  12th August 1998

  I DIDN’T SAY anything to Jaime, but I went to the bank to get out the money he needs. I was scared of carrying so much money with me, so I made three trips. The bank manager, with whom I have always had an excellent relationship, called me into his office to ask if I wasn’t satisfied with the service. He was very surprised I was withdrawing all my savings. I assured him nothing was wrong, and that I had no complaints. On the contrary. I invented an excuse by saying that something unexpected had arisen that I had to deal with straight away.

  Today was Wednesday, and Jaime was even more nervous than usual. I can tell the temperature of his mood by the length of time he spends locked in the bathroom in the morning. The more nervous he is, the longer he is in there, scraping the dead skin off his ankle, and leaving the basin in a disgusting mess with all the bits of dry skin and white powder.

  Jaime had to leave the next day to go to Madrid and make one last attempt to negotiate with the bank. That’s what he told me. I had decided not to tell him that I was
going to help him until the very last minute.

  When I arrived home I found him packing his suitcase to leave the next day and spend the weekend with his children. He looked up at me sadly and said, ‘This may be the last one I can spend with them.’

  He fell silent for a moment, then added, ‘How am I going to explain to them that their home is no longer theirs?’

  ‘You won’t have to explain a thing,’ I said cheerfully. ‘Look, this is for you!’

  I handed him an envelope. He took it cautiously, a look of surprise on his face. When he opened it, he could not believe his eyes.

  ‘Where did you get all this?’ he asked me suspiciously.

  ‘From my own account. There’s enough for you to pay back the loan.’

  ‘Are you crazy? How on earth did you think I was going to accept it? Did you ask for a loan or something from your bank?’

  ‘No, don’t worry. I didn’t ask for a loan. It’s my money.’

  He dropped the envelope onto the bed.

  ‘I can’t take it. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Please, Jaime, don’t be so silly! It’s my money, and I’m your partner. That means it’s for both of us. That’s what it’s there for! Please, just take it! Pay off the bank and keep your house.’

  The look of joy on Jaime’s face at that moment was worth all the money in the world. In his happiness he hugged me so hard I felt I was being smothered.

  ‘Darling, you can’t imagine what this means to me. You’ve given me my life back. Thanks! Thanks a million! I don’t know how to thank you, I really don’t.’

  ‘Well, you could show me this fabulous house you have in Madrid some time soon.’

  As I said that, his eyes suddenly went blank for a moment, but then he focused lovingly on me once more.

  ‘Of course I will!’

  And that night, Jaime made love to me affectionately. The only problem was he could not wait, and it was all over before I could reach orgasm.

  A Suite For Two