To: Keri Tartt
Kinky pinky, don’t be silly. You of all people should understand how important being an A is to me. The corporal is sulking, but I’ve told him he’ll see some action tomorrow.
Love you
(still) porky perky
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling—how are you going to approach this self assessment thing? If I give myself 10 for everything, do you think they might smell a rat? But if I give less I might lose out to people like Graham and Christo who are so boastful … how are you going to play it? M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
What do you mean: “just be honest”????? That’s no help at all.
From: Martin Lukes
To: DonnaAdonis@Bodybuild
Hi, Donna.
I’m afraid I’m going to have to cancel tonight. I’m totally snowed under here, but will work out at home tonight.
See you tomorrow. Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Jesus, I’ve just seen the ABC forms we’re meant to fill in for our teams. They are 62 pages long and I’ve got 37 people to do! Don’t these consultants realize we have work to do?? Mart
Shall we have a large drink?
JUNE 29
From: Martin Lukes
To: DonnaAdonis@Bodybuild
Hi Donna—really sorry am going to have to cancel again. Rest assured, I’m working hard on my machines at home. This week I’m concentrating on the isolation, definition intensity and focus of my abdominals.
Will do Tuesday without fail.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Bettina Schmidt
Hi Bettina
In reply to your message, yes I shall be doing an assessment of you. I know that you have only been on my team a short while, but don’t worry about that—I’ll talk to your line manager in Düsseldorf … and we can build up a behavior profile of you together. If you want to talk, my door is always open.
Cheers, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Bettina Schmidt
Sorry, can’t do now—make an appointment with Keri.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Christo Weinberg
Christo—Thanks for sending me the reminder of all your wins in the last year. I shall of course take them all into account.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: All Marketing
Team—Various members of the team have expressed concern at the ABC procedure. I appreciate that this is an uncertain time for everybody. However, I hope I don’t need to tell you that I shall be thinking long and hard about each of the forms. I suggest that for the time being you channel your concerns into your work. We don’t want to let anyone accuse this team of taking its eye off the ball!
Best, Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Martin,
Congratulations! You have reached the halfway mark of Executive Bronze. This is always a moving moment. Half the program in the past, and the other half still in the future! I feel that you have come such a very long way. Your body is stronger and more grounded. You are getting younger. When I first met you, you were someone who used the word can’t. I haven’t heard you say that in ages.
I want you to give yourself a treat or a present. You deserve it, Martin. And when you give it to yourself I want you to say: I love me. I love my body. I look and feel fantastic, over and over.
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Pinky—I’ve booked us the bridal suite at the Canning Town Novotel for the afternoon. Champagne, rich chocolate fudge cake, the works. Pandora says I deserve it.
Perky
JUNE 30
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Pinky—Yes, I am cheesed off. It was meant to be a treat for me, and after the grim evening on my birthday I felt I deserved it. Frankly I didn’t appreciate you rushing off in a huff. To say that I am “self-obsessed” was really below the belt. I spend my entire life thinking about others, whether it is you, Jens, mum, the boys, my team, etc etc. The reason I was whispering that to myself was part of Exec Bronze. Of course I love you, and your body too. You are fantastic. Goes without saying.
Please don’t be cross.
See you tomorrow
I love you
Perky, who is still, if we are going to be 110 percent honest, a tiny bit porky
7
JULY
My Funeral
JULY 1
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin,
Please find somewhere to read this where you are on your own. It is imperative that no one interrupts you as you enter one of the deepest stages of the Executive Bronze Program. Clear your mind, and focus.
I want you to imagine that you are going to the funeral of someone you love very much. Now imagine the church or the crematorium. Look at the faces of the other mourners, the flowers.
Next I want you to imagine yourself slowly going up to the front and peeking into the coffin. Inside is … yourself! This is your funeral, Martin. Look again at the people’s faces, Martin. Look at their sorrow and their pain. What sort of gap have you left in their lives?
Now I want you to imagine that you pick up the program and see there will be four speakers. The first is a member of your family. The second is a friend. The third is a work colleague, and the fourth is from your church or any organization where you have been involved in a giving role. Each one will talk honestly about the role you have played in their lives.
Take your time to think about this. Your funeral is, after all, the ultimate wake-up call on what you have achieved, both in your relationships and your life.
What would it be like? What would those four people say about you?
I’m really looking forward to seeing what you are going to make of this, Martin.
This is probably the most life-changing exercise of the whole program!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling—fraid I can’t go to Max’s speech day this pm. I’ve got a big report to write for Atlanta, something v time sensitive that I need to crack on with. Tell him I’m sorry but I promise to come next year when he’s at Eton.
Love you M
PS Quick question: what color would you wear to my funeral?
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
No need to be sarcastic … It is just an exercise I’m doing for Pandora. M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Max Lukes
Max—Really sorry not to be with you this afternoon, son. I’ll be cheering you on from my desk, and expect to see a whole row of silver cups when I get home!!
Can I ask you something? Just suppose I popped my clogs in the next year or two … and suppose you had to say something about me at my funeral, what would you say?
Love Dad
From: Martin Lukes
To: Max Lukes
Forget it, doesn’t matter. I just wondered if you’d mention the football games I’ve taken you to or me reading you Fireman Sam when you were little?
Love Dad
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Would Pinky cry lots of piggie tears if Perky popped his clogs?
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Cheeky message! I love it when you talk dirty like that … though maybe not a brilliant idea on work e-mail!
Come into my office now, we can pull the blinds down … perfectly safe if we’re quick …
Perky xxxxxxxxxxx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Ooops! What can I say??? That was
a bit embarrassing! I suppose I should be pleased that it was you and not anyone else …. Shagging your secretary is a bit predictable and as you know, I specialize in the unexpected!! But Keri’s not your classic secretary … she’s a really amazing girl, shag of a lifetime, etc. But please please … NOT A WORD!!!
JULY 5
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
Can I be very honest with you? I’ve found it a highly emotional exercise. Cathartic, really. In fact thinking about my death made me break down and cry. It has been some time since that happened—last time was when Tiger Woods was beaten by that boring Fijian guy—but that wasn’t quite the same.
So, here is how I envision my funeral.
Jens will be led into the church with Jake and Max on either side, holding her up. She won’t be wearing black—she will have insisted that the funeral is not to be a sad occasion, but a celebration of my life, so she’ll be wearing something bright. She’ll be ashen faced. So will the boys.
My mother will be there looking unbearably sad, but not crying. She is a very strong person, who will do all her grieving in private. I’ve been trying to work out if my father would put in appearance or not. He walked out when I was 10. Basically, he was the sort of man who was always looking out for Number One. We’ve always been chalk and cheese—didn’t get on even when I was a kid. On balance, I think he’ll stay away—I don’t think he’d have the guts to face the music.
My sister Katherine will come, though. She and I also haven’t spoken for years, as she has serious issues around jealousy, and always complained that I was Mum’s favorite. She had a series of breakdowns as a teenager, for which I think she blamed me. These days I don’t even know where she lives. She’ll arrive late at my funeral, and start crying hysterically. They say death is worse for people when there’s unfinished business.
Keri Tartt will have organized the flowers. She will be standing leaning on Mary (Roger’s PA) sobbing uncontrollably. Although we haven’t worked together long, she not only respects me as a boss but also appreciates me as a human being. She will be in a black trouser suit, tight black T-shirt underneath—full mourning. A little detail that chokes me up: She will have taken the silver stud out of her tongue and put in a black one.
Jake will have made a slide show of all the photos of me—graduating from Durham, the one of me and Jens on holiday in Crete. I was looking very tanned and in very good shape. Jens will choose the music, which will be some of my favorite songs and things that remind her of me. Elton John’s “Rocket Man.” The Rolling Stones’ “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.” That brilliant bit of Wagner from Apocalypse Now. The Kinks’ “Thank You for the Days.” And “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin. When Jens hears that she will start to cry, quietly but inconsolably.
The church will be packed. Standing room only.
Everyone from the UK board will be there. Cindy and Barry won’t have been able to make it, but will have sent messages to Jens which will be read out by Keith. Barry’s message will say I had one of the finest and most creovative™ headsets and warmest hearts of anyone he had the privilege of working with. It will be all American and totally over the top, but there will be a kernel of truth and sincerity in it too.
The odd thing is that I always thought there was something between Keith and Jens, but today she doesn’t even look at him.
Max will read out my favorite poem, the one that goes “If you can keep your head, when all around you are losing theirs …” and then will say a few words about me. He’s very good at speaking—he is head of the debating society at his prep school. He will tell them how I used to read him Fireman Sam as a child. How I took him to football matches, and how, even though I was often at work, I always had quality time for him.
Graham will stand up and talk as my friend.
He will talk about the fun side of me. How mischievous I am, how I’m not frightened to break the rules. He would talk about how my handicap used to be higher than his, but how it is now lower, and how guilty he feels now about giving me such a hard time about it.
As I’m not a member of a church, and as I’m not really part of any charity thing, I’ll have just the three speakers. Though if the funeral can be put forward a year or two I may be a parent governor of Eton by then, so maybe the Provost of the school would give a little talk about my added value in the school, and my attitude to the nonprofit sector in general.
Then afterwards everyone will come back to our house. At first the mood will the solemn, stunned. There’ll be loads of bubbly and posh eats and people will start to talk, and laugh, and dance. It will be the best bash anyone can remember.
On my gravestone it will say:
MARTIN LUKES
A CREOVATIVE™ MIND AND A LOVING HEART WHO NEVER STOPPED PUSHING THE ENVELOPE.
22.5 percent better than my very bestest
Martin
JULY 6
From: Barry Malone
To: All Staff
Howdy!
It’s been a challenging first half! As you’ll see from the attachment, our Q2 earnings are down 21 percent, as we’ve been hit by the continued competitive pressures in the economic landscape, by adverse currency fluctuations, and by falling demand in many regions.
However, our underlying performance is strong, and we have a strategy in place to transition us to our goal of Phenomenal Performance—Permanently!
I am thrilled to announce that after three months of obsession, love and determination by Keith Buxton and his team, we are ready to raise the a-b glöbâl talent bar. Tomorrow all coworkers will receive a letter at their home addresses letting them know if they are an A, a B or a C.
Can I just say that the Cs who will be leaving our close-knit family will be in our prayers. I would like to take this opportunity to thank each of them individually for their talents and their dedication and wish them joy in whatever the future brings them!
I love you all,
Barry S. Malone
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens—I suggest you go in to work normal time, and I’ll wait for the postman …
M x
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
When I read about your funeral, I was deeply moved. However there are some issues here. I want you to think about closure with your sister and father. Is this something that you should try to get while you are still alive?
I’m also interested at the way you single out Keri, who as you say hasn’t been with you that long. Is there an issue here that we need to visit?
My other concern is that your involvement with the community could be stronger.
Martin, in this life to achieve the goal of lifelong success and happiness, it is not what you take out, but what you put in that counts!!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi, Pandora,
Sorry—can’t reply at present. I’m waiting for confirmation that I’m an A.
22.5 percent etc.
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
No fucking post and it’s 9:45. The postal system in this country had gone down the tubes. The whole bloody lot of them should be fired. I’m going to give it 20 more minutes, then I’m coming into the office. M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
HHOOOOOORAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! I’m an A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shall I open your envelope or shall I bring it in?
M XXXXX
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Congratulations, darling. You are a B. Let’s go out and celebrate somewhere really nice tonight. The Savoy?
Love you
M
Sent from m
y BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling … There’s nothing wrong with being a B! It’s really good! Bs are high achievers who exit their comfort zone to go the extra mile!! Fine about dinner, if you don’t want to. Quite understand. Must get into work now … I’ll see you later.
M xx
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Pinky—that’s so sweet of you. Yes, I’m pleased, though obviously it’s not the be all and end all. There are more important things in this life of ours! I’m glad you’re dead pleased to be a B. One of the many things that I love so much about you is that you’re so happy with yourself just as you are. What’s that great Barry White song, “I love you just the way you are …” Ambition really screws people up. Just look at Jens—she’s sulking about being a B as if it’s some huge disaster.
Let’s go out and celebrate—call the Ivy and get a table for two 8ish? I know it’s a bit public there and there’s a chance of people recognizing me, but I feel like making a splash. We’ll just have to be a bit careful to keep our hands to ourselves during the meal …
Perky xxx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
What do you mean they are fully booked??? Call them back and tell them I’m an A.
From: Martin Lukes
Who Moved My Blackberry? Page 12