22.5 percent better than my bestest
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Martin—you have a great sense of humor! I didn’t say anything about sex! I have no issues with that at all! Sex is great—it’s one of the body’s natural ways of reenergizing itself.
My f-word is fear! Listen to yourself talk, Martin. You are afraid of your body, afraid of not getting it into perfect shape. You make excuses for not going to the gym, for eating fatty foods. New You doesn’t recognize fear. You are not going to fail to rebuild your body, Martin. You are going to succeed!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Phyllis Lukes
Dearest Mum
Thanks for your message. It is nice to think of you sitting up in your hospital bed with your laptop on your knee. I hope those nurses are treating you well. Best of British with the op tomorrow. Will come and visit in the evening, schedule permitting. I’ve told them that there’s no hurry for you to come out. I want you to enjoy being pampered for a bit. Don’t worry about the money, I’ve implied that Phyllis Lukes is my daughter and now seems it’s all on my health insurance!
Yr loving son
Martie
From: Martin Lukes
To: Phyllis Lukes
Dearest Mum
No, I haven’t lied, though maybe a smidgin economical with the truth! In any case, you shouldn’t worry about insurance companies. They are all parasites, they don’t add value … not a creovative™ individual in the entire industry …
Your loving son
Martie
JUNE 8
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
Have had my first session with Donna at the gym, who says my upper body strength is pretty good for my age! She made me do 10 mins on the cycle machine, 10 mins on the treadmill and 10 mins on the crosstrainer then we did pecs, quads, curls and stretching. Donna says the key thing is for me to learn how to exit my personal comfort zone … she’s very motivational. I’m going to see her every day, so watch this space!
22.5 percent better than my bestest
Martin
JUNE 9
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Pinky—I’m hurting … I ache all over … can you pop in and give me a little rub … also if you are going out could I have six liters of Evian water? Perky
JUNE 14
From: Cindy Czarnikow
To: All Staff
Hi everyone. As chief morale officer, I have been tasked with ensuring that the morale implications of Project ABC are phenomenally positive. I know some of you have surfaced some issues with the process, which I hope this FAQ will solve!!
Q: Are the people who are As better than the Bs and Cs?
A: No way! Everybody in this company is a uniquely talented individual. All we are saying is that the talents of A workers are supremely well aligned with our core purpose. Bs are well aligned, and Cs are not so well aligned.
Q: Are the Cs being fired?
A: I’m glad you asked that! The Cs are NOT being fired! We love them and we are deeply appreciative of all the fine work they have done here. However, we believe that in their own best interests they would be happier working someplace else.
Q: Will the senior people all be As?
A: Uh-uh! All the top people have been appraised like everyone else. As I said, the process has been incredibly fair. If I myself am a B or a C I would have no problem with that because I know I have always given this job my love and my passion.
Q: Is my grade going to be made public?
A: It’s up to you! Only you and your senior manager will know your grade. If you want to cherish your grade to yourself then we don’t have any problem with that!
I’m smiling at you
Cindy
From: Martin Lukes
To: Phyllis Lukes
Dearest Mum
So sorry not to have seen you last night. I came round a tad late and some mini Hitler refused to let me in as you were sleeping off the anesthetic. Will stop by today after work.
I can’t believe that they got you out of bed on the first day, and that you’re walking already! I told Pandora, and she said it showed that your energy levels are in balance!
See you later
Love Martie
JUNE 15
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Pinky—Can’t face the fire escape—it’s still pouring with rain. Shall we try the Canning Town Novotel at lunchtime?
Btw you must stop being paranoid about Jens. I went on and on last night about how gorgeous Donna is which puts her off the scent (literally!!) Though actually she’s so far from suspecting anything it’s almost insulting! It simply hasn’t occurred to her that anyone might find her husband devastatingly sexy.
Porky
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
No of course I don’t! Donna’s got hairy arms, and a minute arse.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
My kinky pinky
You really need to stop this. No I am not saying you have a big bum. As you may have noticed, I think your bum is absolutely totally the perfect size, and in three hours the corporal and myself will be examining it in a proper bed!!
Porky Perky
From: Keith Buxton
To: All Staff
Hi! Next week we will be holding a brainstorming session for directors and senior department heads on the aim, scope and practice of Project ABC.
We will be kicking off with an ice breaking exercise—I’d like each of you to come up with something that’s surprising about yourself.
We’ll follow up with some role-play exercises. I want each individual to think of a famous person that exemplifies one of the behaviors and act in character. I know this is going to be a uniquely rewarding learning experience.
Keith
JUNE 16
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Sweetest Kinky Pinky. Please don’t nag me about this. I want to spend more time with you, too. It’s just really hard to get it sorted. We mustn’t be silly about this. We’ve taken a lot of risks … it is really important we don’t get found out … I’ll see what I can do, maybe try to get J to go away for a bit.
Porky Perky x
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
What are you doing for this role play? I was going to do Einstein for creovation™, but I think it’s too obvious. Instead I’ve decided to show that I also have some of the other values, too, so am going to do Gandhi for Integrity.
Mart
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Yes, I know Gandhi didn’t have a beer belly. You obviously haven’t noticed that I’ve lost 4 lbs already this month.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling, sorry if I was a bit short with you at breakfast. I know you find my relationship with mum difficult, but I had to ask her to convalesce with us. It won’t be for long—she’ll keep herself to herself, and she loves the boys.
A thought has occurred to me—why not get away from it all for a weekend to destress and detox? I could easily hold the fort, and Svetlana could help me. I’d quite like some quality time with the boys, anyway.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens—it saddens me that when I try to support you, you start looking for secret agendas. I simply suggested that you do something that might boost your positive energy flow. You clearly need to destress, but at the end of the day, it’s your call.
M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: All Staff
Pinky—It’s proving harder than I thought but I’m still trying. Can’t wait till later.<
br />
Perky
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Fucketyfuckingfuck … I’ve just sent an e-mail to you to the whole bloody office … oh god oh god, my whole life is flashing before my eyes …
From: Martin Lukes
To: All Staff
Hi—co-colleagues may have been as surprised as I was re an e-mail sent out this afternoon under my name to all staff. This message mentioned the children’s characters, Pinky and Perky. I’m mystified as to the meaning of this and can only assume that some prankster was at my terminal. If anyone has any light to throw on the matter, please contact myself, or my PA, Keri Tartt.
Best, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: IT Director
Hi, can you get one of your team to investigate the issue of security. I have just had someone else sending out e-mails apparently from me. In this department alone we have much intellectual capital with untold value. It is IMPERATIVE that we have adequate fire walls in place.
Martin
JUNE 21
From: Keith Buxton
To: All Staff
Hi!
The first ABC workshops have been exceeding expectations. I was privileged to attend the London one—where everyone got a lot closer to each other. In the course of the day Roger Wright shared the interesting fact that he collects first world war helmets, Jenny Withers told us that her ambition is to write a novel, and Faith Preston told us about her gold medal in salsa dancing.
The power of the role play exercise to unleash the spirit was phenomenal. It would be invidious to single out the performance of any individual, but Christo Weinberg as Frank Zappa for creovation was inspired. Jenny Withers was a fabulous Pollyanna, and Martin Lukes’ Gandhi was unforgettable—as was his Indian accent!
It is now time to move on to the next plank of the project, which is a 360 degree exercise. I would like everybody to ask three colleagues to grade them on a scale of one to 10 on the six behaviors, and then e-mail the grades to me. Choose one person who reports to you, one who you report to, and one who is a peer. And then I will ask you to assess yourselves, before embarking on a thorough scientific assessment of all team members.
Keith
JUNE 22
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
I’m a bit down because it’s my birthday today. At the end of the day, I don’t want to be 44. I hate birthdays at the best of times, but this year I got no cards at all. I asked Jens for a juicer, so that I could make celery and fennel pick-me-up, but she got me something that squeezes oranges, which is hopeless, as Donna says citrus is much too acidic for me.
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
Where’s the positive headset?? The passing of another year is a HUGE celebration, not something to be depressed about.
Did you know you have three ages, Martin? Your chronological age, your biological age, and your mental age. Only by the first measure are you getting older. The other two measures are much more important, and if you focus on them you can get younger, as young as you like. By self care you can roll back your biological age. You can also turn back your psychological age by surrounding yourself with younger people. By rethinking your wardrobe. Martin you are not 44. You are whatever age you want to be!!
Happy Birthday!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
Hi Jake
Good to get your message, though can I remind you that the traditional way of celebrating someone’s birthday is to give them a present, not to ask them for more money. The answer is no, your allowance must last till the end of the month. But once your exams are out of the way, I may give you a little extra.
Love Dad
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Dearest Pinky. Thank you so much. I’ve never worn combat trousers before, but it’s going to be my new look—Pandora says that by being with you and wearing younger clothes I am making the clock go backwards. Can’t be bad! Don’t sulk at me about this evening—Jens has invited friends round for a not very surprising surprise party. Can’t we celebrate at lunchtime?
M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Graham—
Ha, ha very funny. Actually Keri thinks they look great on me. Just because I’m 41, doesn’t mean I have to dress it.
Am assuming that you and I are doing each other’s ABC forms? Let’s agree on a marking system: no marks lower than 7 and an average of about 8.5. Are you going to get Rog to do it as your boss? As I’ve completely blown it with him, I may have to ask Keith.
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keith Buxton
Hi Keith
I just wanted to touch base to say what a sensational job we all think you are doing with Project ABC. Btw, I wondered if you could do my behaviors rating for me? I feel that you know my strengths (and weaknesses!!!) better than anyone—I’d be delighted to return the favor.
All my very bestest
Martin
JUNE 23
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Pinky—Boring horrible evening, and cost me an arm and a leg. I thought about you all the time. This mate of mine from Goldmans went on and on about how much money he’s making, and Jens was tired and bad tempered.
I’m filling in your ABC form—can u do mine??
Love you
Perky
From: Martin Lukes
To: Faith Preston
Hi Faith—I don’t understand your message. I haven’t got a daughter, and she hasn’t had an accident … ???
Cheers Martin
JUNE 24
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling—
That’s fantastic! OF COURSE you should go. West Midlands CBI is a fantastic forum for you! Don’t worry about me—I can hold the fort and make sure Jake is prepared for his GCSEs. It’s only one night. Go and show them what you’re made of!
Love you
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Kinky Pinky—
Perky’s got some fantastic news! J is off to Birmingham tomorrow night to keynote to some boring midlands businessmen about pushing the communications envelope, or something.
I need to pop into the hospital to see mum, then will meet you at One Aldwych. The au pair knows I’m going to be out … so long as I’m back by 2am … should be ok … we can have 7 whole hours together … can’t wait … Corporal v excited.
Porky Perky xxx
JUNE 25
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
Hi Jake
How was your history GCSE today? Hope not too horrendous.
Fraid something has come up at work … probably won’t be back till late. Svetlana will make supper, make sure you get to bed at a reasonable time … and are fresh for your maths exam tomorrow.
Dad
JUNE 26
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU THINK YOU Were DOING LAST NIGHT????? SVETLANA SAYS YOU WENT OUT DRINKING, GOT HOME DRUNK AFTER MIDNIGHT, THREW UP AND Were LATE FOR YOUR EXAM THIS MORNING. THIS WAS UNBELIEVABLY STUPID, EVEN BY YOUR RECENT STANDARDS.
DAD
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Hi Darling—hope your speech went well last night, was keeping my fingers crossed. Sorry I wasn’t at home when you called … I had to pop out for a swift half with Peter next door. Everything fine this end. See you later.
Love you M xxx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
I don’t like the tone of your message—it is not your business where I was last night, though if you m
ust know I was out with Graham and some clients, missed the last train so stayed at his place.
Can I suggest a deal? Your mother is going to go absolutely ballistic when she finds out about your GCSE. So I suggest that we do not tell her. In return I would be grateful if you did not mention that I was out all night. Your mother doesn’t approve of Graham, so it might make life easier if she didn’t know.
Is that a deal?
Dad
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
What do you mean “whatever”? This matters. Do we have a deal?
Text message to Svetlana. Sent 10:42
Best not to mention anything about yesterday to Jens. I know nothing was your fault, but she might blame you … Martin
JUNE 28
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Pinky—Probably best if we cancel our afternoon assignment. I’m meant to be writing my own assessment so I need to give it some serious headspace … Don’t put any calls through to me, and if any team members try to see me, tell them to go away.
From: Martin Lukes
Who Moved My Blackberry? Page 11