Who Moved My Blackberry?
Page 14
Jenny Withers
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling! That was brilliant. Your e-mail sounded really professional, very can-do, as well as a cri de coeur. Well done, you.
I’ll make sure my team does its bit! Will be home by 7 at the latest.
M xx
JULY 23
From: Martin Lukes
To: Katherine Lukes
Hi Katherine
I think you’ll be pretty surprised to get this e-mail. It’s been a long time.
Look, I’m not going to beat about the bush—basically, I thought it was time we met up. I think there are issues that you, and for all I know myself too, need closure on. I occasionally hear your news from mum who, btw, was a bit miffed that you didn’t help more with the knee op, which I stumped up the dosh for so that she wouldn’t have to wait.
Anyway I’d be very happy to buy you lunch or a drink or something in the foreseeable—it’d be good to catch up!
Best
Martin
JULY 26
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
This is going to have to be a quick report back on the month, as I am trying to get home on time. Basically I think you should be very pleased with me. I have contacted my sister, and have taken the courageous option and told Jens about my brief flirtation with Keri. Now I’m being the model supportive husband. I also plan to get my team to do something to support deprived local kids …
22.5 percent better than my very bestest
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin—
Well done! You have done the really difficult thing! You have told your wife, and are working to heal the damage. Hang on to that view of your wife in the crematorium—ashen faced. Integrity is one of the values that makes you an A. You are fighting for your integrity, and that it is a hard thing to do.
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
JULY 29
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
I can’t bear this. It’s too painful, especially in the hot weather. The corporal really misses his private. I’m sure we can carry on if we are really, really careful. Fire escape in five mins?
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Dearest Pinky … do you want me to beg? Look, tell you what. J is away for her de-stress weekend at Champneys. I’m meant to have the boys, but I can always bribe Svetlana to take them. Paris, maybe?
Porky Perky xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
8
AUGUST
My Work/Life Balance
AUGUST 2
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Dearest sweetest sexiest loveliest Kinky Pinky
Thank you for the best night ever. Ever since I got home I’ve been pottering around the house singing the Hot Chocolate song that so reminds me of my pink: “You Sexy Thing.” Max has told me to shut up—no respect at all. Trust Eton will see to that.
Must go now, as Jens is due back from Champneys any minute. Just wanted to say you mustn’t worry about the future. We will be together one day. Porky promise.
Lots of kisses
Xxxx
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Dear Pinky
It’s 1am. Jens has just gone off to bed, stress levels not much helped by £700 of healing, palmistry, graphology, herbal medicine etc … It really pisses me off that she isn’t more grateful seeing as she only gave me an orange squeezer for my b’day.
She went nuclear at me for not unloading the diswasher and at Max for leaving his cereal bowl on the table. She’s still very angry about you—keeps making snarky remarks about “la Tartt.”
Pinky, don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I’ve decided it’d be better for all and sundry if you stopped being my PA. It’d get Jens off my case, and would make it easier for us to carry on.
The best thing would be for you to work for Graham. His PA, Denise is on the verge of dropping her sproglet, and as he’s in the loop re us, it’ll make it easier. Bed now. I need my beauty sleep.
Love you
Porky
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Pinky, I understand you’re upset, but you really mustn’t ring on my mobile—it’s far too dangerous.
And I take exception to you saying I’m henpecked. It’s so far off base that I’m not even going to waste words defending myself. OK, I know you don’t like me going on and on about Jens all the time, but I do have to live with her, and I think you should be a bit more understanding of that.
I also think you should adopt a more positive headset towards working for Graham. I know it’s a demotion for you working for a B rather than an A. But at least those lazy idiots in sales don’t know the meaning of hard work, so you’ll have more spare time to do little things for me—and the corporal.
Bed now. See you tomorrow.
Perky xxx
AUGUST 3
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
This month we are going to focus in on balance. Like many of my coachees, you put your heart, your soul and your brain into your work. But are you going to turn around one day and wish you had put more into the rest of your life?
I am forwarding to you the StressBusta! RU Balanced? ™ test, which I would like you to do today.
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Faith Preston
Hi Faith
Re your suggestion of Thelma Dowd as my new pa—she clearly has the right experience quotient, but does she have the energy profile? We’re a very fast-paced team in marketing, and I wonder if she’d keep up.
Bestest
Martin
AUGUST 4
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Graham—Have you seen the interview with Barry in Fortune? He talks such a load of crap sometimes. Makes me wish I worked for a British company. That journalist had her tongue right up his arse.
Btw have you spoken to Faith about Keri? I hope you’re very grateful. You get a gorgeous 29 year old New Zealand physiotherapist. I’m getting Thelma Dowd—fat, 55. Can’t wait.
Drink later?
M
AUGUST 5
From: Martin Lukes
To: Barry Malone
Hi Barry
Apologies for not touching base earlier—I just wanted to put on record how much I enjoyed the article in Fortune. In my experience, journalists usually get everything wrong—but this Janine Rosenholz sounds one smart cookie!
I also wanted to say what incredibly good sense your tips made to me. I hope you won’t be offended if I suggest a 6th tip—Play Golf! I’ve thought deeply about this, and concluded that golf isn’t just a game—it’s a whole philosophy of life. As Jack Welch once told me, golf is about two things—people and competition—which is the same as being a CEO!
My bestest, and once again, congratulations on an excellent article! Martin Lukes
From: Martin Lukes
To: Barry Malone
Hi Barry
Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. Delighted you buy into my golf idea! And yes, I’d be honored to come and play at Augusta!
My handicap’s 15—would be lower if I took my own advice and played a bit more. But what with the pressures of work and family, we none of us get to play as much as we would like!!
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Eat yr heart out Graham—BSM has asked me to go and play in the US company tournament at Augusta!! M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling—BSM has just asked me to go play golf in Augusta in two weeks. I hope you don’t mind—it’ll mean cutt
ing our holiday short by a couple of days, but Florida is quite close …
Love you, M XXX
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens darling. I know we’ve got our pact on spending more time together as a family—I’m 120 percent committed to that … But please understand, this is a massive big deal for me. M x
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
I’ve finally done the test and sent it off. It was very long, and I’m not sure how relevant some of the questions were. Actually I’m not feeling at all stressed at the moment. Energized would be a better word. Very bizarrely I think the person who is having more difficulty with stress levels and balance is Jens, who keeps taking on additional responsibilities, and has recently been put in charge of work/life balance for the UK company.
22.5 percent better than my bestest
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Thelma Dowd
Hi Thelma—
Welcome to the marketing family! I think Keri has left you a list of tasks so that you can hit the ground running. As you see, we’re a very young department—until now I’ve been the oldest by a wide margin, so I’m grateful to you for raising the average! A latte would be nice, if you’re popping out later.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Thelma Dowd
Quite possibly they did brew up their own Nescafe in finance. But here in marketing we go for authenticity—so it’s Starbucks lattes for us! Strictly speaking it may not be your job to get me coffee, but I always discourage my team from following the rule book. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to us in time!
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Keri—how are you finding sales? Assume you’re sitting there twiddling your thumbs. Can I ask a tiny favor? Don’t dare ask Thelma … could you cash in my return air ticket from Orlando, for a ticket that stops off in Augusta?
My golf kit is also in need of upgrading … Basically what I need is a Callaway ERC II driver, some Callaway Hawkeye irons and the new Odyssey broom handle putter. Two-tone Footjoys size 10½. Some Hugo Boss golf-range shirts (size M) would be nice if you can find anything on special. Can you see if the UK sites can deliver them in two days, or buy from a US site, and get them delivered to my hotel?
Ta muchly M
AUGUST 9
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin—Challenging news, I’m afraid. I’ve just got back the feedback from your StressBusta! tests showing your stress levels are dangerously high.
Before I feedback the results to you, I should say that I am not surprised. This sort of result is not unusual for my high flying coachees.
People who score in this range cannot typically control and recognize their feelings or act on them appropriately. They can become bitter, angry and resentful.
Don’t worry, Martin. There is hope!! You can decrease your level of burnout by rebalancing your life and following these tips.
Read books—try the classics—they’re great!
Spend time loving your spouse.
Banish all negative thoughts.
Laugh!
Practice a random act of kindness every day.
Slow down! Martin, you are a speed junky. Take some deep breaths. Relax!
Let’s start with some easy wins. I want you to keep a stress diary. Recognizing your big stressors is the best way to overcome them. I also suggest you buy 200 Bio Dots. These are stick on spots (you can buy them from us at CoachworX!.co.uk) that change color to record your stress levels.
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
AUGUST 10
From: Martin Lukes
To: Thelma Dowd
Where are all the papers that were on my desk? I’d appreciate it if you didn’t move things around. Also why have you put all these internal meetings in my calendar? My strategy is never to commit to any meetings unless I can see easy wins coming out of it.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
STRESS DIARY Day 1
Woke up to find that Svetlana had drunk the entire carton of blueberry and banana smoothies that I had bought to reduce stress. Comforted myself with the thought that she is sodding off back to Russia next week. Stress levels high. Got into work. Thelma starts talking to me about the weather.
The dot is dark purple, which is ominous.
Martin
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
I’m meant to be getting home at 7 this week as part of a new work/life balance jag that Pandora has me on … but if we’re very fast, I think we could squeeze in a quick one. After all, now that you are not my PA you count as “life” not “work”!
See you fire escape half an hour?? P xxx
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Oh dear … that made my bio dot go black—which is the highest stress you can have before you die! P xxx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
I’ve just watched Thelma eating the large ham sandwich that she brings in every day. She opens her mouth very wide and leaves a rim of red lipstick on the white bread. Urgh. How are you getting on with Keri? Keeping your hands to yourself, I trust.
M
From: Jenny Withers
To: All Staff
I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that this week is national Work/Life Balance Week! This year we are going to celebrate in style. Special features will include
Breakfast at 7:00am on Tuesday with the UK’s number one stress guru, Professor Gary Copper. He is going to tell us how stress is this country’s biggest killer, and share with us his 101 hottest stress-busting tips.
On Wednesday we are also going to repeat last year’s enormously successful Go Home On Time Day. However, we plan to make it even better by rolling it out across all departments, and posting a blacklist of coworkers who do not leave on time!
I am also delighted to say that we shall be offering all coworkers an online grocery service. This will remove one of life’s great stressors by allowing you to shop from your desk (outside normal working hours, please!!). Anyone willing to road test the service plse message me or Faith!
Jenny
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling—Would be delighted to do my bit for the WLB agenda … Why don’t I share the platform with Copper and talk about my learnings … I think so often these things are women’s ghettos, it would be refreshing to see a senior alpha male taking it seriously … Also count me in as a shopping guinea pig … what groceries do we need?
Best, Martin
AUGUST 11
From: Roger Wright
To: All Staff
I am pleased to inform all staff that a-b glöbâl (UK) has been short-listed for the British Telecom Work/Life Balance Award. On Tuesday we will have a team of judges from BT watching our work. For that day it is imperative that all staff arrive and leave promptly.
Roger Wright,
Acting Chairman
From: Jenny Withers
To: All Staff
Hi!
There are two minor amendments to our plans for this week. Gary Copper informs me that due to excessive work pressures next week he is not going to be able to make the breakfast. However Martin Lukes has kindly agreed to step in and talk to us about “Work/Life Balance—the holistic viewpoint.” I have also been informed that many of you have evening Team building workshops next week, and so will not be able to leave work on time. You will be exempted from leaving on time, and will NOT get black marks!
Cheers, Jenny
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Pinky—sorry can’t do tonight … am working on my breakfast presentation for tomorrow.
Perky
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br /> AUGUST 12
From: Martin Lukes
To: Faith Preston
Glad you enjoyed the talk!! As you know these are issues that are very close to my heart!
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Help Desk
Can somebody come down NOW and help me get my computer linked up to this supermarket thing. The screen keeps freezing. Urgent.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Help Desk
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU MEAN—YOU’RE GOING HOME??? I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT YOU Were THE HELP DESK. I DON’T CARE IF IT’S 5:30. I’M A DIRECTOR OF THIS COMPANY SO GET DOWN Here AT ONCE!!!!
AUGUST 13
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
For Godssakes, Jens, calm down! I’ve no idea why they’ve delivered 8 six-packs of Grand Marnier chocolate mousse—I only meant to buy one. The reason I ordered 6 packets of antifungal shower cream was that it was on special—three for two. And you should be delighted that I bought the Nutool cordless drill. You’re always moaning that I never do any jobs around the house.