Who Moved My Blackberry?
Page 21
Work is fantastic, never been better.
Will e-mail or ring later in the week.
Yr loving son
Martie x
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens
Mum says Jake’s looking terrible. He doesn’t reply to my messages, or speak on the phone. What’s going on? Is he on drugs again? You really do need to keep me in the loop.
I hear you’re working flat out, and frankly I worry that not only is that bad for the boys, it’s not good for you. Love, Martin x
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
J—No I can’t possibly come back this w/end. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m doing the most important project this company has ever undertaken. I’m under a lot of pressure … and you aren’t helping. In case you are interested, I’m not sleeping at all … M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens—thank you for your “considerate” message. This is a very stressful time for me and I don’t appreciate getting messages about my “double standards” and “dysfunctional behavior.” I do NOT need therapy. If anyone needs it, it’s you. By refusing to come and join me in Atlanta you are hurting yourself, myself and the boys. You are also draining our funds … I’m still in a hotel waiting on a decision from you on what sort of house to buy. The minibar bill for a week alone is the same as our annual gas bill.
I know what you think of Pandora, but I’ve been doing some interesting work with her on my relationships, and looking at the ones that drain my energy compared to the ones that boost it. My relationship with you, regrettably, falls into the first camp. Pandora clearly thinks we should split up—you aren’t bringing anything to my party, if you will. Frankly I’m beginning to see where she’s coming from.
Martin
NOVEMBER 11
From: Martin Lukes
To: All Staff
Conference Update!
Attached is the schedule for Phenomenal Performance Permanently at Paradise Island. This year the theme is One Global Family! Please note that the dress code is Smart Casual (no suits required). Evening events casual with a Bahamas theme. Feel free to dress colorful!
AGENDA DAY ONE
Meeting Location: Ballroom
5pm–7pm CEO’s Address: WE ARE FAMILY!
7pm–8pm Cocktails and canapes
8pm Banquet—poolside
DAY TWO
7:30 Breakfast
8:30–9:30 Martin Lukes: THE ART OF CREOVATION™—FROM LITTLE WOW! TO BIG WOW!
10:00 Keynote speaker—Tom Peters: RE-IMAGINE!
10:00–12:00 BREAKOUT WORKSHOPS LED BY a-b glöbâl (UK)
These will be themed around a traditional Bahamas festival, Junkanoo, where the people get together and lose their inhibitions. At these workshops all co-colleagues will be invited to check their existing headsets at the door and free-associate! It’s going to be a ton of fun!
Christo Weinberg: BUSKING THE LGBT AGENDA—how lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders grow the bottom line
Jenny Withers: AROUND THE CORPORATE CAMPFIRE—the magical art of storytelling
Roger Wright: DELIVERING ON BUDGET—zero tolerance of cost overruns
Faith Preston: UNLEASHING THE HOLISTIC headSET—the HR/Business Strategy Partnership
1:00–2:30 Lunch
2:30–4:00 Keith Buxton: RAISING THE TALENT BAR—key learnings from ABC
4:00–6:00 Afternoon activities—golf, spa, healing therapies
6:00–7:30 Conference wrap-up, Cindy Czarnikow: THE WEAKEST LINK VISION AND VALUES QUIZ!
If you have any questions or issues or inspirations, please do not hesitate to touch base with myself.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keith Buxton
Hi—yes I have scheduled your talk for the after-lunch slot. And no, it is not going to be possible to swap with mine. A huge amount of thought has gone into the logistics of this and I believe I have come up with a best of breed outcome.
I gave you the so-called “graveyard slot” because I thought you’d deliver a presentation compelling enough so that people stay awake!!
Bestest
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: All Staff
Hi!
A reminder to all co-colleagues who will NOT be present at Paradise Island that Barry’s speech will be broadcast live on the Web. Large screens will be erected in all geographies and co-colleagues are encouraged to watch it together in order to ensure maximum impact!
Bestest
Martin Lukes
Chief of Staff, Office of the Chairman
NOVEMBER 14
From: Cindy Czarnikow
To: Paradise Island delegates
Welcome to this island paradise!! For the next few days we are going to bond and to brainstorm. Today everyone should swim, soak up the scene and enjoy a lite lunch in the Jungle Bar. I recommend the plantain-crusted Nassau grouper creole. Yum!
Make sure you’re well rested and refreshed ahead of Barry’s extraordinary motivational plenary address at 5pm. And sharpen your wits for the Vision and Values quiz tomorrow! I shall be testing everyone on our mission, our prayers, our behaviors and our dreams. You don’t want to be The Weakest Link!!!
Cheers, Cindy
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
Hi Jake—Just seen your message. No I don’t know where your mother is, she hasn’t arrived yet. And no, I can’t send you more money. You get 200 quid at the beginning of the month. Would appreciate an e-mail/phone call from you before then with some news in it, rather than just requests for dosh.
Dad
Text message to Jenny. Sent 14:23
Jens—are u here? Why haven’t u checked in? M x
Text message to Jenny. Sent 14:46
Why have you got a separate room??? I booked a double suite for both of us. M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Barry Malone
Hi Barry
Just wanted to say good luck, and remind you to let your natural warmth come through. Let your charisma fill the auditorium!
The sound system is brilliant so the music will be very, very loud. I’ve positioned a couple of cheerleaders in the audience who know when to clap, when to whoop, and when to stand up and stamp their feet. The rest of the audience will take their lead from them. Give it all you’ve got, and good luck!
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: All Staff
Welcome!
Everyone gather for Barry’s address in the Ballroom now! Starting in 15 minutes!
Martin
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: Barry Malone
Hi Barry—
WHOOOOOAA!!! Your performance just now was amazing!! I haven’t seen a crowd shout so much since I went to a Led Zeppelin concert when I was 17! You have taken the family concept and breathed life into it. THEY ALL LOVED YOU!! After you bounded off stage there was a feeling of real passion in the audience. People were crying and hugging each other. Amazing. An example unto us all!! WE ARE FAMILY!!!
Martin
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
NOVEMBER 15
Text message to Jenny. Sent 07:57
Was upset u sat with Keith at breakfast. Can we have lunch? Am off to give my speech now. Fingers crossed. Best of British with yrs later … M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Barry Malone
Thank you very much! Yes when I was standing at the podium I felt this terrific current of positive energy coming from the audience. I’ve had some fantastic feedback for my speech, but to me it just proves that your strategy for uniting and re-energizing this company is delivering results already.
Bestest, Martin
Sent from my BlackBerry Wi
reless Handheld
From: Cindy Czarnikow
To: Paradise Island delegates
Sawat-dee-kha!!!!
The Weakest Link quiz was a blast! Congratulations to Jenny Withers who knows all our visions and values down to the last letter! She was the fastest to name all our key behaviors, and to be able to list them in order. Well done Jenny!!! You win a free shiatsu massage in the health spa!!
Cheers, Cindy
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
Text message to Graham. Sent 23:57
Where r u? There’s no one in the bar … I haven’t found anyone to drink with all evening. Don’t feel like bed yet … want to do some more celebrating … am in the mood for some action …
NOVEMBER 16
Text message to Graham. Sent 08:23
Arrgh. I’m so hungover. Can’t face golf. C u later.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens—I’m very sorry about last night. I was very pissed—this insomnia thing is making me drink quite a lot. Anyway I didn’t mean to barge into your room and hope my advances weren’t entirely unwelcome! Can we have a drink by the poolside tonight to make amends. I’ll have to be on call in case Barry needs me, but we should have a chance for a chat …
M xx
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
NOVEMBER 19
From: Barry Malone
To: All Staff
Howdy!
We’ve just concluded a weekend where every director of this company gathered in the Bahamas’ beautiful Paradise Island for our annual conference. The theme was We Are One Global Family, and we showed that we are stronger than ever, united by love, values and belief.
I would like to thank Martin Lukes, whose passion and dedication to making it the weekend of a lifetime knew no bounds.
Also Jenny Withers in London, whose speech Storytelling—Around the Corporate Campfire gave us all so much to think about. It’s a long time since I read the classics, but her speech has inspired me to go back and take a peek!
It is these stories, not just in books but by word of mouth, that we pass down to each other, that bind us together, to our past and our future. We are great apart. Together we are unbeatable.
I love you all
Barry
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Sorry you dashed off to get your plane without saying good-bye. You see what an amazing couple we are—both singled out. Great apart—together unbeatable?
Mxx
NOVEMBER 22
From: Martin Lukes
To: Barry Malone
Hi Barry
I see there have been a few more muckraking stories in the papers while we have been in the Bahamas. Can I make a suggestion? This is the moment to put out an internal announcement relating to your integrity, something that will reinforce your brand values. I have in mind something that is totally authentic to your character, but will distract attention from any further press reports on your divorce and Janine.
Bestest, Martin
From: Barry Malone
To: All Staff
Howdy!
As everybody close to me knows, I do not rest easy knowing that there is injustice in this world. Every day I try to fight for compassion, against greed. It is for that reason that I have decided to give a significant percentage of my bonus this year to the Boy Scouts of America. The gift means some personal hardship for my family, but they understand that in tough times those at the top must make hard choices and hard sacrifices.
I love you all
Barry S. Malone
From: Martin Lukes
To: Barry Malone
Hi Barry
Another Big Wow! That was just right. M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Graham—Frankly your carping pisses me off. Contrary to what you say, Barry does deserve his bonus. It’s particularly generous of him to be giving money away when his wife Randee is suing him for $98m … Cheers M
NOVEMBER 23
From: Keith Buxton
To: All Staff
Hi
I am delighted to announce that Christo Weinberg has been appointed Marketing Director in London. Christo has an exceptional creative talent, and I’m sure will breathe new life into this most important department.
An announcement on a new permanent chairman of a-b glöbâl (UK) will be made shortly.
Keith Buxton
Global Chief Talent Officer
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keith Buxton
Keith
Why wasn’t I consulted about this??? Christo Weinberg is a very bright lad who has hugely benefited from my mentoring over the past year. But no way is he ready to head up such an important department. And when you say “breathe new life” into the department, what exactly are you driving at?
Re the UK chairman: I’m glad a decision is imminent though sad you did not see fit to consult myself. With respect, I should be kept in the loop.
Martin
NOVEMBER 24
From: Barry Malone
To: All Staff
Howdy!
This morning I received notification from the SEC that it is investigating movements in the a-b glöbâl share price in the period leading up to Q2 and Q3 results. However, I have no reason to believe that this is any more than routine. There is no question of any wrongdoing by anybody inside this company.
I love you all
Barry S. Malone
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham
What are people saying in London about the insider trading story? I think it’s definitely a storm in a teacup—though BSM seems a bit paranoid about it all. I caught him shrieking at his PA just now, an attractive little number called Stacey.
Mart
NOVEMBER 25
From: Martin Lukes
To: Barry Malone
Hi Barry,
I suggest we do something to take people’s minds off the insider trading story. Just been looking at the outsourcing figures. Looks like we’ll be cutting 6,000 jobs globally. Do you think now might be a time to get some of that bad news into the open to distract attention, if you will? You suggest I send out a message to put an end to the rumors. I’ve thought hard about this and wonder if we might do better to sit tight and wait for it to blow over?
My best, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Barry Malone
Sure, on second thought I think you’re 250 percent right. Will do soonest.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: All Staff
Hi!
Our CEO, Barry S. Malone, has asked myself to touch base re the stories in the press relating to insider trading. Most of these bear little relation to the facts, which are as follows. An individual has been taken in for questioning for alleged insider trading in a-b glöbâl shares. We believe her to be a Manhattan-based art dealer. She has a large portfolio of stocks which she trades actively. Barry is a renowned art collector but has never met this individual. There is no link between the two whatsoever.
Martin Lukes
Chief of Staff, Office of the Chairman
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
Sorry I haven’t been in touch—huge drama here on insider trading. Could be very serious, but I think we are controlling the agenda skillfully, and it’ll probably blow over …
22.5 percent better than my bestest
Martin
NOVEMBER 28
From: Martin Lukes
To: Stacey Stone
Oh my God I don’t believe it. Where is he now?
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keith Buxton
Keith—have you heard anything?
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Fucketyfuckingfuck�
��Barry’s been taken in for questioning. I just don’t bloody believe it. The total complete and utter idiot. This is a personal CATASTROPHE for me—I need a drink NOW. Wish u were here … M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keith Buxton
As bad as that? I must say I’m not altogether surprised. As I got closer to Barry I realized something was up. I never really bought into the integrity thing. In fact I was so suspicious about his art dealer person I had planned to check her out. Let’s meet soonest to limit damage.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Katherine Lukes
Hi Katherine
Got your SOS. Sorry you have split with your partner. But I’m in a worse crisis of my own. Will message when things calmer.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Pandora—
Malone has quit. He’s been feeding insider information to this art dealer.
Fuckfuckfuck … I’ve been much too close to him … what shall I do? Help help M