Who Moved My Blackberry?
Page 23
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Thanks for your message. Jake much better this morning. He grunted at me in a slightly less hostile way. I’ve also sent him a long e-mail establishing some new ground rules. There is going to be one big win out of this—my relationship with him is going to be a lot stronger.
Btw Graham has heard a rumor that you’re in the frame for Roger’s job!!!???
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
WHAT??? That is the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard … You do realize I couldn’t possibly work under you, don’t you??
When u coming back? We must talk about this NOW!
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens, sorry if my message just then sounded a bit negative. I’ve thought about it some more, in a very logical way, and reached the conclusion that this is a lose-lose situation. You lose because you would be doing a job that is not well aligned with your skillsets. Being chairman would make you totally stressed and miserable. The company would lose because you would not be the right person and might start making sub-optimal decisions. I would lose because it is very unhealthy working for one’s wife—or ex-wife, as you certainly would be if you took the job—and I would be left with no choice but to leave the company. Ergo, the company would lose again.
Most important, the boys would lose, especially Jake. If he had a mother who was around more, he would be much less interested in drugs. Max needs you around too. I was really shocked over the weekend at the change in him. He spent most of Sunday morning in church, did the washing up, took all the skateboarding posters down in his bedroom, and has stuck up some nightmare poster featuring a cheesy picture of Jesus. He’s clearly in a bad way.
Mull it over, and you’ll see I’m right. Please don’t think I’m making these points out of self-interest. I’m not. I’m just standing back and looking at all the issues in the round.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
No Jens, I’m not trying to blame you for the boys. As their father I realize that I’m responsible too. It’s just that until now you have been closer to them. Yes of course I realize that at the end of the day, it’s your call.
Well at least can you promise me one thing … that you’ll think about it for a few days before deciding? Let’s talk about it when you’re home tomorrow. When’s your flight?
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: SebastianFforbesHever@HeidrickFerry
Hi Sebastain
Don’t know if you got my e-mail of last week. I’m attaching a copy of it in case not. Would be good to meet up soonest to kick around a couple of ideas.
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Stewart@harleystreetclinic
Dear Dr. Stewart
As I told your secretary on the telephone, I have been finding traces of blood in my stool. Obviously this is a serious matter and tends to confirm—what I suspected at the time—that the bowel cancer man you sent me to missed something serious.
I also have a fast-beating heart, sometimes leading to palpitatons and chronic insomnia. I am tending to sweat more than usual, and am tired all the time, and sometimes irritable. This is not at all like myself, as I am usually very controlled.
Would appreciate an appointment at the earliest opportunity.
Yours sincerely
Martin Lukes
From: Martin Lukes
To: Max Lukes
Dear Max
Thanks for your message. It’s kind of you to pray for me, but really old man, quite unnecessary. It was good to see you at the weekend, and so sorry that thanks to Jake’s theatricals we didn’t have much in the way of quality time.
Though if I’m being completely honest with you I’m a bit worried about this Alpha course malarky. It just doesn’t seem very you.
Love Dad
From: Martin Lukes
To: Max Lukes
Dear Max
I didn’t mean to be dismissive! I quite agree with Jesus re tolerance and belief. Of course, at the end of the day we all have to do what’s right for us as individuals. Thanks also for sending me the material on Alpha course in the workplace, all looks v interesting, but I’m not sure that a-b glöbâl (UK) is quite ready for it at the present moment in time!!
Love Dad
DECEMBER 14
From: Martin Lukes
To: Phyllis Lukes
Dearest Mummy
Thanks for your message, and sorry I haven’t been able to nail down Christmas plans … To be perfectly frank, you and I might be spending it on our own at your place. Things with Jens are beyond bad—you were so right when you said it was a disastrous idea for her to work at the same place as me. You’re not going to believe this but it looks like she’s going to wind up as my boss.
It’s all taking its toll on me physically. I went to see the doctor this morning, and it turns out I have piles. He says I’m depressed, which frankly I don’t accept, but I’ve decided to take the pills anyway—which means I’m now on Temazepam, Prozac and Anusol.
Don’t worry about the boys. They are both fine.
Can I come down and stay with you this weekend?
Martie
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
Can I make a suggestion? Although Executive Bronze usually only runs for one year, there is no reason why in your case we shouldn’t extend into next year. I feel this could be helpful as there are some outstanding issues we could address. I do not feel happy signing off on my coachees until they are at least 10 percent better than the best they can be. I am, as you know, your greatest and sincerest fan. It deeply pains me to know that you are letting your self-belief slip. Martin, please let me help you get to the top and stay there!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Faith Preston
To: All Staff
Hiya!
This year at the Christmas party we are all going to play Secret Santa!
Pick a name out of the hat, and you get to buy a present for this person! All gifts must be under a fiver! It’s going to be a load of fun!!
Faith
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Guess who I’ve picked out? Jens! Nightmare. She always hates my presents. I don’t think Secret Santa really expects that you will be getting gifts for your wife who wants to divorce you …
DECEMBER 15
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
BELEAGUERED A-B GLÖBL APPOINTS WOMAN IN NUMBER ONE JOB
a-b glöbâl, the troubled Atlanta-based multinational, which was last month rocked by allegations of insider dealing, yesterday appointed Cindy Czarnikow (48) as its new chief executive.
Ms. Czarnikow, who currently holds the position of Chief Morale Champion, has worked with the company for 10 years. She takes over from Mr. Keith Buxton who was appointed only two weeks ago as acting CEO.
“I am humbled at the humungous responsibility that has been placed on me,” she said yesterday. “This is a much storied company with a fine history, and I have pledged to return it to profitability within 12 months.”
Last month a-b glöbâl announced a loss of $4.6b, the biggest in its history.
Asked if there would be a role for Keith Buxton, Ms. Czarnikow said, “Keith Buxton has many wonderful talents, and I will be speaking with him to see how best they can be leveraged going forward.” Analysts yesterday questioned whether Ms. Czarnikow would be tough enough to make the mass redundancies needed to return the company to profitability. However one source close to her said, “Underneath the sweet manner is one tough cookie.”
Cindy Czarnikow is the second woman to run a Fortune 500 company after Carly Fiorina of Hewlett-Packard.
Graham�
�have you seen this in the FT today??? I knew that Cindy and Keith didn’t get on, but didn’t realize it was that bad. Cindy’s an idiot, but it’s still good news for us—as Keith had it in for me. And there’s no way Cindy is going to promote Jens—she’d be too much like competition.
Martin
From: Cindy Czarnikow
To: All Staff
Hi
First up, thank you for your trust. It means a lot to me.
I believe that miracles are within our grasp. I want each one of you to come into work every day believing you are about to do something miraculous. If you do that, we will exceed our goals within months! Can I ask you all to join hands in this holiday season and take a minute to think about the journey we are going to travel together.
I have two announcements to make on my top team. Keith will sadly be leaving us and I’d like to take this opportunity to thank him for the love and passion he has devoted to this company, and wish him the best on his travels, wherever they may lead him!
Roger Wright, who has done a best of breed job in leading the UK company through turbulent times, is appointed to be chairman of a-b glöbâl UK on a permanent basis.
I’m smiling at you
Cindy
From: Keith Buxton
To: All Staff
Hi everyone
It is with mixed emotions that I announce my resignation from a-b glöbâl. It has been a tough decision, but I have decided to pursue other options and spend more time with my wife and family. I would like to thank everyone here for making the last few years so enjoyable. I feel privileged to have worked with you and wish you everything good in continuing a-b glöbâl’s proud legacy.
Very truly yours
Keith
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens
We are quits now. I’ve lost my protector and you’ve lost yours. Don’t feel badly about the job. It’s all for the best. M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
You had already turned it down??? Why??
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
THAT’S FANTASTIC NEWS!!!!!!!!! When were you planning to tell me??? Did it happen that night in the hotel in Paradise Island? Can we have supper tonight to celebrate a new start?
M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
PS Just reassure me—it is mine, isn’t it?
DECEMBER 16
From: Martin Lukes
To: Cindy Czarnikow
Hi Cindy
Can I be the first to say congratulations?? As you know, I have always had the greatest respect for your work and have always got a terrific buzz out of working with you. I’d also like to say that I share your respect for Roger, and have every confidence that he is the right man to lead us into calmer waters! However, his skills are more on the finance/cost side and would be complemented by someone who is more on the vision/strategy side. I am proposing myself in the new role of Director of Marketing and Strategy. Can we talk about this?
All my very besteset
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Roger Wright
Hi Roger, many congratulations on your appointment. Very well deserved, if I might venture so bold.
Can we have some face time re my position? I am prepared to move back to Marketing, but would like some additional scope to deploy my big-picture creovative™ skills.
Best, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Roger Wright
Hi Roger
Director of Special Projects??? Not sure I like the sound of that. How many people would be on my team? Unless the job is clearly senior to Marketing Director, I don’t feel at all inclined to accept it. In fact if that’s all you can offer myself, you leave me no choice but to pursue options in the “outside world.”
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling
How are you feeling? Hope you’re not tiring yourself.
I’m being offered Director of Special Projects, but I’ve turned it down. I’ve said that if they call it Director of Special Projects and Strategy I might consider it. Team is minimal, but I would be allowed to do almost unlimited blue sky thinking. Rog says that the position has been created specially for me, and it would be up to me to make my mark on it. What bothers me is that Christo may think he’s senior to me. I couldn’t take that …
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Phyllis Lukes
Dearest Mummy
I’ve got some very big news for you. Jens is pregnant … I am totally over the moon, obviously. I think it means that I’ll be moving back home soon, though Jens wants to take it very slowly. We are going to see a counselor next week to sort out a couple of issues, but should be for the best.
Your loving son
Martie
From: Faith Preston
To: All Directors
Everyone congregate in reception at 6:45 in your best 70s fancy dress, and we’ll go together to the London Dungeons!!
DECEMBER 17
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Great party last night! I saw you ogling that new trainee on your team—she can’t be more than 21!!!
Odd turnup for yours truly—this must be the first Christmas party on record where I spent the evening trying to get off with my ladywife. Didn’t altogether succeed; she said that my vintage 1970s lilac ruched shirt and brown velvet jacket made her feel sick. But at least she is talking to me again.
Martin
Hair of the dog later?
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens, darling—I’ve been thinking … let’s have our usual Yule party. It’s been an amazing year, and we’ve got a lot to celebrate. What do you think? It needn’t be that much work. In view of your condition, let’s push the boat out and get caterers in. I’ll look after the booze, but they could do a seasonal finger buffet. How about doing it on the 22nd?
Love both of you (!) M x
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
I’m happy to say that won’t be necessary to prolong Executive Bronze as things have taken a turn for the better chez nous—most surprising turnup is that we’re having another baby!
I’ve also been offered a job here which I think I’m going to accept. I’ve been thinking about my core values, and I think it plays to all of them.
As a combined “thank you” and a “meet and greet” I wondered if you’d be able to attend our annual Christmas Party on Wednesday night? For obvious reasons it’s all very last minute, but I do hope you can make it. It’ll be very informal—just a few really close friends. 37 The Avenue, Wimbledon. Finger buffet, champers and Martin Lukes’ famous lethal mulled wine! Any time from 7pm—hope to see you then!
Cheers, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Katherine Lukes
Hi Katherine
Sorry to hear that you’re still feeling so low after the breakup with Fiona. It’s been quite a year for that sort of thing. Are you sure it’s wise to go ahead with the adoption on your own?
Looks like Jens and I are back together, and we’re having a party to celebrate. Do hope you can come. You’ll meet the whole family in one go. Details and map attached. Hope you see you then!
Best, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Very short notice, but we’ve decided to have our traditional Yule knees-up after all this year. 22nd. Hope you and Lynne can make it.
Mart
DECEMBER 23
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Glad you enjoyed it! Am feeling v rough this am, but I think everyone had a good time.
Was it the hallucinatory effects of my punch, or
did you disappear upstairs at one point with Svetlana? She certainly doesn’t believe in playing hard to get!!! Even Jake had a go at her at one point …
Cheers, Martin
PS What did you think of my speech? Went down like a lead balloon with Jens, but I was pretty pleased with it.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Thanks, yes I thought you’d get the joke! Jens has been giving me a v hard time about it—when everyone had finally gone home last night she went ballistic that I had announced the impending birth of our little one—she says that she hasn’t told anyone at work yet, that it’s all early days etc etc. She also didn’t think my comparisons with the virgin birth were at all funny.
Btw I think it’s a great idea for Pandora to coach you next year. Did I overhear her saying that she’s your #1 fan?? I should warn you she says that to all her coachees!!
You’ll find that although some of what she says is bullshit, basically she’s very sound. On balance, she’s been cathartic for myself over the past year but now is the right time for me to move on. I’ve signed up with Steven Roberts from 4-Dimensional Leadership, who specializes in coaching people at the chief exec level. He’s a bit more expensive than Pandora, but hopefully worth it to me at this juncture in my career.