Liquor up the Front, Poker in the Rear

by Mike Hunt

Horse: “Yep.”

  Cowboy: “How’s he treating you?”

  Horse: “Pretty good. Thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.”

  Indian: (Look of total amazement)

  Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

  Indian: “Sheep lie!”

  DEAF DOG

  My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both of them and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some ‘Nair’ hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month, so she went to the drug store to get some.

  At the register the druggist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

  The lady said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

  The druggist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days.”

  “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer.”

  “I see. In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week!”

  THE STOWAWAY

  A young, blonde, tipsy woman in Manhattan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbor. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying.

  He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, if you’ll keep me happy.”

  The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

  That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

  Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

  “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

  “He certainly is,” the captain said. “This is the Staten Island Ferry!”

  TWO BAGS FULL

  A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while a twenty dollar bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

  Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, “Ma’am, there are twenty dollar bills falling out of your bag.”

  “Really? Darn!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer!”

  “Well now, not so fast,” said the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

  “Oh, no,” says the little old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden, so I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his pecker through the fence I say, ‘twenty dollars, or off it comes!’”

  “Well, that seems only fair,” laughed the cop. “Okay then. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

  “Well, you know,” said the little old lady, “not everybody pays!”

  FAMILY TIES

  As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside. Opening the door, she observed her daughter masturbating with a vibrator.

  Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”

  The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please go away and leave me alone!”'

  The next day the girl’s father heard the same buzzing coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

  To his query as to what she was doing the daughter rolled her eyes and said, “Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please go away and leave me alone!”

  A couple of days later the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered the room and saw her husband sitting on the couch downing a cold beer and staring at the television. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

  The wife asked, “What in the hell are you doing?”

  The husband replied, “What does it look like? I’m watching football with my son-in-law!”

  DING DONG

  Upon hearing her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her ninety-five-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

  When she asked how her grandfather had died her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

  Horrified, Katie told her grandmother two people nearly a hundred years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

  “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.”

  She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, “He’d still be alive if the damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along!”

  HIRED HAND

  A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching - so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

  Two men applied for the job. One was gay, and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

  He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day, and he knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

  Then one day the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

  The hired hand readily agreed, and went into town one Saturday night.

  One o’clock came, and he hadn’t returned. Then two o’clock, and still no hired hand. He finally returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She waved him over.

  The widow looked right at him and said, “Unbutton my blouse and take it off.”

  Trembling, he did as she directed.

  “Now take off my boots.”

  He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

  “Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

  “Now take off my bra.”

  Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

  “And now,” she said, “my panties.”

  By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!”

  THE HOTCAKES

  Brenda and Alvin took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

  After carefully examining the child the doctor confidently dec
lared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”

  The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

  “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “Are these for me?”

  “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father!”

  THE NUDIST COLONY

  An older man joined a very exclusive nudist colony, and on his first day there he took off his clothes and started to wander around. As he was doing so a gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

  The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and said, “Did you call for me?”

  The man said, “What do you mean?”

  She replied, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.”

  Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, lay down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her, and happily let him have his way.

  Afterwards the man continued to explore the colony’s facilities. He entered the sauna, and as he sat down he farted.

  Within moments a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him saying, “Did you call for me?”

  “What do you mean?” said the newcomer.

  “You must be new,” said the hairy man. “It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spun him around, bent him over a bench, and has his way with him.

  The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. “May I help you?” she said.

  The man yelled, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back, and you can keep the five hundred dollar membership fee!”

  “But sir, you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all of our facilities.”

  The man replied, “Listen lady, I’m sixty-eight years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart fifteen times a day! I’m outta here!”

  REPEAT OFFENDER

  A cop pulled over a brand new red convertible, walked up to the window, and saw a beautiful blonde sitting behind the wheel. He asked for her driver’s license, but she didn’t know what that was, nor where it was kept… so he told her and she gave it to him.

  Then he asked for her registration, and again she had no idea what that was, nor where it was kept… so he told her, and she gave it to him. He then said that he would be right back and he walked back to his car.

  The cop got on the radio to tell his friend about the blonde in the red car. His friend told him to give her stuff back, and to pull his pants down. Confused, he walked back to the car, gave her stuff back, and pulled his pants down.

  The blonde looked at him, rolled her eyes, and said, “Not another breathalizer test!”

  CARMEN

  A woman scanned the guests at a party, spotted an attractive man standing alone, and approached him.

  “My name is Carmen,” she told him.

  “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied, “Were you named after someone?”

  “No,” she replied. “I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like the most in life - cars, and men.”

  “So, what’s your name?” she asked.

  He smiled and replied, “B.J. Titsenbeer.”

  A NEW PLAN

  Two married buddies were out drinking one night when one turned to the other and said, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, and get undressed in the bathroom. I ease carefully into bed, and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

  His buddy looked at him and said, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ ... and she’s always sound asleep!”

  ALL IT TAKES

  A Scottish farmer walked into the neighborhood pub and ordered himself a whiskey.

  “Ye see that fence over there?” he said to the bartender. “Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me ‘Angus McGregor, the Fence-Builder?’ Nooooooo...”

  He gulped down the whiskey and ordered another.

  “Ye see that pier out on the loch?” he continued. “Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me ‘Angus McGregor, the Pier-Builder?’ Nooooooo….”

  “But ye fuck just ONE sheep ...”

  NEXT!

  A cowboy from Montana and a cowboy from California were on a sheep drive. They had been out for weeks, and had been pulling sheep out of the mud and working really hard. Eventually they come across a sheep with her head stuck in the fence.

  They were both very lonely, so the cowboy from Montana said, “I’m first!” as he dropped his pants and mounted the sheep. When he finished he stepped back, looked at the California cowboy and said, “Okay, you’re next!”

  So the cowboy from California dropped his pants and stuck his head in the fence.

  DAD’S LAMP

  One day Little Johnny’s teacher, Miss Figpot, asked the class if they could name some things someone can suck.

  “An ice cream pop, ma’am!” Little Mary answered.

  “Good job Mary,” Miss Figpot said. Anyone else?”

  “How about a lollipop!” said Steven.

  “Very good! Okay, now it’s your turn Johnny,” the teacher said.

  Little Johnny, sitting at back of the room, shouted out, “A lamp!”

  The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher then asked him, “Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?”

  “Because last night when I passed my parents room I heard my mom say, ‘Turn off the lamp honey, and let me suck it!’”

  OVERDOSE

  There once was a man who just could not keep it going with his wife, so he went to the doctor, who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said:

  **Take one pill for a great night**

  It had been a long time since the man had experienced satisfying sex, and he really wanted a stupendous night - so he downed the whole bottle.

  The following morning the neighbors came over to find the man’s son sitting on the porch in tears.

  “What’s wrong?” they asked.

  “I’ll tell you what’s wrong. Mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my asshole hurts like hell, and Dad’s in the basement yelling, ‘Here Kitty, Kitty’ ...”

  VOICES

  A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards, and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to screw one of his patients.

  However a little voice in his head said, “Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients... so it’s not like you’re the first...”

  This made the doctor feel a little bit better, until yet another voice in his head said, “But then again... they probably weren’t veterinarians...”

  SIZING IT UP

  Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to take their case only if he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed that he could. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy some donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr. Smith’s erection, and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr. Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor, and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith’s vagina. It worked!

  A few weeks later the Jones came to see the doctor. “Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you,” they said.

  The doctor ran the same
tests, and told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jones’ said, “You helped the Smiths. Why can’t you help us?”

  After continued begging from the Jones’, the doc said “Okay... stop by the market, and buy some Cheerios and a bag of oranges!”

  SEX SIGNALS

  Two deaf people got married, and during the first week of marriage found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when the lights were off because neither could see the other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decided to find a solution.

  “Honey,” she signed, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

  The husband thought that was a great idea and signed back to his wife, “Okay. Now, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times!”

  IT WASN’T ME

  Bob worked hard, and to keep in shape he spent most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thought he was pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she took him to a local strip club.