Broken Dreams

by Rissa Blakeley

  “We were just loosening up some. We’ve been stressed, and it’s safe here, love.” He needed to just agree and move on. His examples of why they were drinking surely weren’t good enough reasons to jeopardize our safety.

  “Loosening up?! Safe here?! You are fucking joking, right?!” I was furious. I was seeing red…blinded with rage. If I hadn’t already slapped him across the face, I would have decked him. Then I saw his face shift into a blank look.

  “Elaina, can we do this in private?” he asked in a low voice.

  “No!” I yelled in his face. “They know all about your issues so maybe they should hear this, as well!” He turned away and hung his head. He was humiliated.

  “Elaina…please. I am asking for you to do this in private. You can scream and rage and punch the shit out of me if you wish. Just in private.” He swallowed hard.

  “I do believe I said no, or is the booze effecting your hearing, as well?” He swallowed hard again, and his teeth clenched.

  “Please…stop yelling at me.” His voice had gone monotone.

  “No! I can’t fucking believe this! You need to stop this shit right now!”

  When he turned and faced me again, his eyes were scary. “I told you, I fucking will!” he barked. I had officially poked his last nerve.

  “When?! After your liver explodes?!”

  “I will stop when I’m ready!” he shouted back at me.

  “And when will that be? Huh? When?” I poked my finger in his chest.

  “I don’t fucking know! Just leave me alone about it. I need to work it out in my head.”

  “How can you even have any sort of clarity when you are boozed up all the goddamn time?!”

  “I’ve gotten you this far, haven’t I?”

  “With help!”

  “So fucking what!” He threw his arms in the air. “You expect me to carry everyone on my bloody back, and still power through it all?” He was beginning to sober up from the adrenaline rush alone.

  “No…”

  “Then what, Elaina? What? Tell me!” He stood in front of me with his hands on his hips. Everyone in the room was watching us, and I felt every flicker of their eyes as they looked back and forth between the two trains that were colliding right in front of them. Then I had a spark of brilliance.

  “If you don’t stop…we are done.” I crossed my arms, and turned away from him like the immature teen that I emulated with such preciseness that it was scary. I could feel his eyes boring through me.

  “Excuse me, please, Claire,” Henry mumbled. He stepped around her and stormed off.

  “Elaina…that was a little harsh,” said Nick.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. Was it, though?” I snapped. “I do believe you’re tired of it, as well! Do you have any idea how many times I’ve had to drag his sorry, drunk ass from somewhere so he could puke or pass out? Enough is enough! I will guarantee you that he is chugging another bottle right now! He doesn’t care about himself at all…or me. He only cares about when he’s going to get his next drink!”

  “Are you even hearing yourself?” Nick shook his head.

  “Perfectly clear. The excuses need to stop, and he needs to step up to the damn plate and be the fucking man that he is supposed to be!” I stomped my pissed off ass over to the pantry, and began a frenzied search for something that was meal quality. Claire followed behind me.

  “Elaina…maybe you shouldn’t have humiliated him like that. He can’t help it. He’s sick. You know that. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you.” Great, I was starting to feel bad. “Yes, what they did was wrong. I’m not saying otherwise. Maybe you should go to him and apologize. You know you don’t want to leave him. He needs reassurance. What he doesn’t need is to be completely cut down and degraded in front of all of us.”

  I couldn’t help but think, What have I done?

  “Maybe I do. I just can’t take his drinking anymore. I can’t stand by and watch him kill himself.” I stopped for a second, and the sight of him holding a gun to his head in the barn ran through my mind. That was one of the worst things that I have ever experienced, seeing him so broken that he was going to shoot himself. It was possible that he would go through with it at some point, I was almost expecting it. My hands shook as I put them over my face when I visualized him pulling the trigger. “Oh god, Claire. What did I do to him?”

  “You hurt him with your words, much like he was hurt by those assholes. Look at all that has happened to him. And who knows what else happened to him that he hasn’t told you yet. Or can’t bear to tell you because he may be too ashamed to admit it. They were monsters, and did inhumane things to a boy. Who knows? He could have been sexually abused, as well. Screaming at him and humiliating him like you just did is not the answer to getting him to sober up.”

  I looked over at my brother, and he had his head down on the table. I was so fucking wrong, and Claire was so fucking right. I needed to apologize to him before he did something stupid. I took off and sprinted to our room.

  ***

  Henry stormed out of the cafeteria, jogging down to his and Elaina’s room, cursing at himself the entire way. His hands were shaking, his anger was at the surface, and he needed to get it out. When he made it back to their room, he grabbed the first thing he saw and chucked it at the wall. “Fuck me!”

  He grabbed an unopened bottle of scotch, and sat down. The whole situation was completely overwhelming him. Never could he imagine Elaina would humiliate him like that. He knew that he needed to quit his drinking. He was just looking for the right time, but he never thought Elaina would throw it all out on the table like she did. He was so ashamed of himself, and chugged about a third of the bottle. The insults starting flying around in his head.

  Cock-up. Useless. Loser. Unlovable. Freak. Unwanted. Weak. Throw away.

  All the insults that Gunther, Kellan, Drew, and Roger used to throw at him on a consistent basis for years. Then they would beat the hurtful words into him with their fists.

  Tears formed in his eyes. He chugged more of the scotch. There was nothing more that he wanted in that moment but to forget his lifetime of humiliation. He drank half the bottle before the sobbing hit him hard.

  He just couldn’t even grasp why Elaina would humiliate him like that in front of the others. He lived his life being humiliated by the program. He never imagined the love of his life would do exactly the same thing.

  The threatening to leave tore through him, opening that black void in his chest again. He felt like he was filleted like a fish. It was so raw. He almost fell to his knees and pleaded with her right there, but he couldn’t further humiliate himself. He already felt he was two feet tall as it was.

  Henry sat there sobbing, a half empty bottle of scotch sitting directly between his legs. His face was in his hands, and his fingers were grasping chucks of his out-of-control hair.

  Then the door opened with such haste that it slammed up against the wall.

  ***

  “Henry…” When I saw him sitting hunched over in the chair, it killed me.

  “Just leave me the fuck alone. That’s what you want, anyway!” He was sobbing. What the hell had I done to him?

  “Henry…I’m so sorry.” I sat down in front of him.

  “Just go. You want to go, anyway. Now is as good a time as any. Just get it over with.”

  “Henry…please forgive me. I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that in front of everyone. This is all on me. I should have respected your wishes and talked to you about it in private.” My voice cracked. Hearing him sob broke me. “Watching you do this to yourself is killing me. I need you by me, but you won’t be if you continue down this path.”

  “I told you I will stop.” He still hadn’t looked up at me.

  “You’ve told me a thousand times that you will stop, but you haven’t.” He had quieted down, but then he looked up at me. His face… I could see all the pain, all the hurt, all the abuse right in that moment.

  “You fucking humiliated m
e, Elaina. Absolutely fucking humiliated me. My entire life has been one humiliating experience after another. Between the beatings, the insults, this bloody sickness…” I tried to touch him, but he dodged me. He rested his hand over his chest. “You have gutted me. In a thousand lifetimes, I never thought that you would have done that to me.” He looked back down, avoiding my eyes.

  “I know. I’m so sorry for doing this to you.” I reached for him again, but he shoved me away. “Henry…please. I’m so sorry.” I began to sob myself. His anger toward me was well deserved and justified. “It was wrong and hurtful for me to say those things to you.” I sniffled and wiped my nose on my shirtsleeve. “But I need you to be more understanding from my point of view. Your drinking is scaring the hell out of me.”

  He looked up at me, red-eyed and tear-streaked. The hurt in his eyes was driving it home for me. After several long moments of his pain filtering through me, he reached out and grabbed my hands, pulling me up on to his lap. He wrapped his strong arms around me and pulled me into his chest.

  “I will stop. I promise you. But, please, just give me some time.” I nodded into his chest. “I can’t bear you leaving me, especially considering that we would still be stuck together if you did. It would kill me to see you doing your own thing, or if you eventually met someone else. It would, Elaina. I would curl up into a fucking ball and just waste away. I never want to be with anyone again. Just you.”

  “I’m sorry.” My words were quiet. Then he lifted up my chin and kissed me. After all the terrible things that I said to him, I didn’t deserve his lips on mine. I shied away. “I don’t deserve for you to be kind to me.”

  “Yes, you do. I know it’s been hard putting up with me, and I’m sorry that I’m doing this to you. I can imagine that I have been a chore, between all the puking and passing out on you. Then having to put up with my anger and sickness on top of it all…” He cleared his throat. “Can we cuddle up in bed?” I nodded.

  He picked me up as he stood, walked us over to our bed, and laid me down. He curled his body around mine and held me as I drifted off.

  ***

  The next morning, I woke up alone. I felt deflated and began to get emotional. I worried that he decided to leave me because I was so cruel to him. He never said that he forgave me for my harsh words.

  Panic rose through my body. I needed to find him and talk to him about what was said. I jumped out of bed like a maniac, grabbed my Sig, and ran to the door. Just as I stuck my hand out to grab the knob, the door swung open, nearly taking me out. I pulled out my Sig, aiming it toward the door, and screamed like a banshee.

  “Whoa, love…it’s just me. I apologize for scaring you.” He pushed the door shut, and I tucked my Sig safely back in its proper place. He grabbed me and held me to his chest while I hyperventilated.

  And then, of course, I cried.

  “Hey…hey, hey. Calm down. What’s wrong?”

  My words were muffled, coming through the fabric of his hoodie. “I thought you left me.”

  “Why would I leave you?” He sounded confused.

  “Because I was so cruel to you yesterday. I humiliated you.”

  “Did you not hear me when I said I only ever want to be with you? I meant that. I would wither away without you, regardless of our arguments and occasional lack of thinking.”

  I looked up at his bearded face. “Where did you go?”

  “I woke up early and cleared the storefront across the way. I brought over everything they had, and put all of my booze over there so it’s out of my field of vision. I’m not sure it will help, but it’s a start, I guess.” I looked up at him, and he curled his lips inside of his mouth. I was disappointed when I smelled the booze on his breath, but I didn’t show it. “You want to go get breakfast?”

  “Yeah. I’m starving.” He held me close as we left our room and walked down the hall to the cafeteria.

  ***

  More than a month had gone by. I decided to start keeping a tally of how many days we were there. I found an empty notebook, putting a tally mark in it every morning. I hoped that I could fill the thing up, plus many more.

  We had settled into a routine. I worked hard at trying to be nicer to Henry about his drinking, but I do admit that I would dump bottles when I would see them lying around. Sometimes I would find them in odd places. I would play all innocent when he would ask if I had seen them anywhere.

  I was beyond nervous that Gunther was going to pop up at any time. I was scared of what kind of group he had gathered. I was scared that he was going to kill Henry. And I was scared that, because it was our luck, he would show his face when Henry was completely shitfaced, passed out, and drooling on himself.

  Henry asked us not to go outside alone at all. If we did need to go outside for any reason, we were to go in pairs and be loaded up with weapons. Nick wouldn’t allow Claire to even get near the doors. At that point in her pregnancy, she wouldn’t be able to outrun a turtle, let alone an army of headhunters.

  To keep us occupied during waking hours, Henry and I would go work out in the gym for extended periods of time. Lord knows, I could use the exercise, and he realized what the 750ml presses were doing to his body.

  There were a few times that our workout sessions turned erotic. There was just something about seeing him shirtless, sweating his ass off, his gym shorts barely hanging onto his leans hips. It drove me right into a sexually frustrated mess, and he knew it. We were lucky that no one ever walked in on us. I think we christened every wall, corner, door, and speck of floor in there.

  On the way out of the gym one morning, Nick and Thomas approached Henry and asked if they could go out and explore the town center. They were bored and wanted to look around. Henry agreed, but only if he went with them. Nick asked me to keep a close eye on Claire. She was having a terrible day.

  “She’s been having a lot of contractions…more than ever. She’s very uncomfortable. I’m not sure what to think. I hope she isn’t going into labor. It’s too early.” His eyes were full of worry. The silence that followed his statement said it all. “I don’t want to be away from her, but she said I’m a giant pain in the ass because I am constantly up hers. I’m just so worried. If she’s making me get away from her, then I need someone to keep an eye on her.”

  “Of course I will. I promise that I’ll take good care of her. You know that.”

  “Yes. Thank you.” We headed toward our wing.

  Henry changed his clothes and geared up. Nick and Thomas geared up, as well, then they met up and took off. I decided to go get Claire to see if I could get her to come out of her cave for a while.

  After several minutes of convincing, I was finally able to get her to come out to the cafeteria with the book that she was reading.

  “How’s that?” I grabbed her a chair to prop her horribly swollen feet up on. She looked exhausted, but sleep was far from what the baby had planned. She said the little one would dance on her bladder all night long.

  “That’s good, thanks.” She smiled at me, but I could see that she was still really uncomfortable.

  “Are you sure? I can run back and grab your pillow, or a blanket?” She sighed. “Claire…just tell me what you need. I am more than happy to get it for you.”

  “A pillow would be great.” She smiled.

  “I will be right back.” I ran my hand across her shoulders as I left her for a moment, something I shouldn’t have done. I should have stayed with her. I didn’t realize how much I should have stayed with her…until I got back from retrieving her pillow.

  ***

  “Both of you stay outside. I’m going to go in and grab a drink real quick before we explore a little.” Nick sighed. He was pissed. “I’m not going to apologize for it anymore. I promised Elaina that I’ll stop, and I will.” He swiftly turned on his heels and headed into the store where he stored the majority of his booze.

  Nick looked over at Thomas. “Can you believe him? Sometimes I want to punch him in the fucking face,” he
grumbled. “Elaina keeps saying that I have to be patient with him, but Christ! How fucking patient do I need to be?”

  Thomas just stood there, nodding in agreement. That was one great thing about Thomas. Unless asked, he usually kept his opinions to himself. He tended to be a great sounding board for everyone. He wasn’t a huge fan of it, but if it helped everyone out, then he was willing to accept his fate. Nick paced around, while continuing to grumble over Henry and his drinking. Thomas was scanning the road, when saw something…or maybe someone.

  Two someones.

  “Nick,” he whispered. He didn’t respond. He was far too deep in his loathing of Henry’s drinking. “Nick!” he whispered louder.

  “What!” He turned around.

  “Look…” Thomas pointed down the road.

  “Shit…I wonder if that’s him.” They both ran and hid in the bushes in the front of the school. “Just be quiet and watch.” Thomas nodded.

  They watched from behind the bushes. An older, fit blonde man and a young girl, who was barely legal, walked into the town center, as if they were on a mission. They heard him speak to the girl.

  British.

  Nick looked at Thomas with huge eyes. He mouthed, Gunther. Then, of course, they went into the store that Henry was in.

  “What do we do?” Thomas nervously asked.

  “Just sit tight for a moment. If they’re in there too long, then we’ll go in.” Each second that ticked away seemed like an hour.

  Nick’s entire body was on high alert. He hoped neither Elaina nor Claire came outside. The situation was far too dangerous. He didn’t want him or Thomas to go in and warn them, just in case they got into a fire fight.

  The man that they presumed was Gunther came out of the store. He looked pissed and defeated. He was looking around the area, and took a few steps toward the road.

  But then something odd happened.

  The young girl stepped one foot out of the store, and said something to him. They couldn’t make out what it was, but the man rushed back in.