Si in Space

by John Luke Robertson

  “A UFO? Classic!”

  “I’m not sure I’d call it that. Mission Control isn’t finding it on their monitors.”

  “I’ve told people there are aliens ever since I was a little boy,” you say.

  “Well, here’s the concern—the DC Enterprise is shutting down on us. We could wait to see what the other ship is doing, or we could head to the space station for repairs.”

  He’s asking you! Hey, Jack—sponsorship is pretty cool. You finally have a say.

  Maybe you’ll ask for some steak and lobster and—

  “Silas?”

  Do you stay out here and see what the other ship is all about? Go here.

  Do you travel to the nearest space station to make repairs? Go here.

  LONELY PLANET

  OKAY. SO YOU DO AS YOU’RE TOLD. You wait until the crew is all sleeping, including the science officer; then you get to work. After a few days, you devise a way to tow the escape pod with an unconscious Wade inside. Hey, you’re a Robertson. You know how to figure these things out.

  But you’ve missed your opportunity for cybersleep. So you’re left to stay awake for the whole trip.

  You and your thoughts.

  Oh, boy.

  You can feel the isolation pressing in. But you’ve been all around the world. You’ve known lonely days and lonely nights. It’s okay. You can take the long way home.

  Inside your head, you’ve got enough songs to blow up an iPhone. You can sing them to yourself and hum them in your imagination.

  You can see the stars blinking.

  You can pretend you’re part of the scenery.

  They’re probably talking about this big trip on the news right now. Ole Uncle Si. Silly Uncle Si saving the day.

  When you come back, they’ll throw a ticker-tape parade. And they rarely have those kinds of things these days.

  You’re bringing the ticker tape back, Jack.

  You settle in for a long ride. Coasting. Snoozing. Snacking. And sipping your iced tea.

  It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta save the universe. And hey, if they need you again, you’ll be ready.

  But not until you get back down to see your family and have some down-home food only a woman from Louisiana seems to have mastered.

  You are hungry.

  But you’re safe and sound, and that’s what matters.

  Soon you’re floating and falling and flying for a little bit. It’s a sweet sort of thing.

  After an awesome, amazing journey like this, all you can do is smile and thank the good Lord for safe travels home.

  The familiar sight of Earth comes into view after a while. You’re floating far above it—and you think you might be able to see West Monroe, way down there.

  Eventually you land back on Earth and get your two legs underneath you. It’s kinda hard to walk at first, but soon it’ll be time to start moving and shaking again.

  THE END

  Start over.

  Read “Look at the Stars: A Note from John Luke Robertson.”

  TINY DANCER

  YOU OPEN THE DOOR with the scratches and discover a room that’s in total disarray. It looks like the interior of some kind of cabin, but the beds are turned over and the drawers are on their sides. All sorts of things are on the floor—clothing, papers, some pictures. You don’t see anybody, however.

  “I don’t think the crash caused this,” you tell Wade, who’s behind you.

  Both of you are shining your lights all around the room since darkness still smothers the entire ship.

  You can hear Wade’s heavy breathing behind you.

  “Si! You see that?”

  Wade’s light is pointing up toward the corner of the room. That’s when you spot it.

  You shuffle back a bit, freaked out at what you’re witnessing.

  “That thing real?” Wade asks.

  You’ve heard about creatures like this before, but never in a million years did you think you’d actually see one in person.

  “Yeah, Jack, I think so,” you say.

  It doesn’t move but just sits there, so silent and peaceful and cute.

  “That’s like the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen,” Wade says, starting to move toward it.

  You grab him and throw him back against the wall. “Hey, Jack, listen to me. That there is the most terrifying creature in existence. You need to stay away from it.”

  Wade laughs. “How can that be? You seeing the same thing I’m seeing?”

  Both of your lights shine on the creature, which sits on a small ledge slightly above head level. It resembles a baby rabbit, a cute little light-brown bunny. Except . . .

  Oh, the horror of it all . . .

  It has tiny antlers.

  Just like the kind you walked past outside. Except the ones outside were massive.

  Mama and papa and grandpa and grandma . . .

  “Come on. It’s so sweet,” Wade says, but you restrain him with an arm so he can’t move farther.

  “That’s how they catch you off guard.”

  You’ve heard rumors about creatures like this.

  “How what catches you off guard?” Wade asks.

  “That’s a jackalope. I’ve only heard about them. But now I’m seein’ one. With my own four eyes.”

  “A jackalope?” Wade starts to laugh.

  “Don’t laugh. It knows when you’re mocking it.”

  Wade only cracks up more. “The little thing is probably afraid of us.”

  “Look here—that ‘little thing’ probably destroyed this room. Maybe it took down the whole spaceship!”

  But Wade doesn’t want to hear it. He moves past you and shoves a chair out of his way to get to the small creature.

  “I’m tellin’ you,” you say.

  “You’re crazy.”

  The creature gazes straight ahead with tiny eyes that could haunt a man’s darkest nightmares. So innocent and so precious on the outside . . .

  And so dreadful with their evil intentions on the inside.

  Wade is right underneath its ledge now, and he pulls over a chair to stand on so he can pick up the animal.

  The jackalope has other plans.

  It jumps.

  No—it doesn’t just jump. The thing launches into Wade. It lands on his helmet, crushing it with its tiny paws.

  He begins screaming even as you rush to help him.

  “Get it off me! Get it off me—get it off!”

  You finally grab it and rip it away.

  “Where is it? Get it! Now!”

  You know you have to get him away from here.

  Go here.

  BETWEEN STARS

  AS IF THERE WERE ANY WAY you’d say no to Mars. Come on now.

  You and John Luke set up a video conference call with the family back home in West Monroe. They all want to know how things are going and how you’re feeling and what it’s like to use the bathroom in outer space. You know—the really important things.

  Then you’re suddenly preparing for Mars and forced to go to meetings and study reports, and hey, this ain’t high school or college days again! You just want to hop in the spaceship and strap yourself in and get ready to go.

  Still, it’s supposed to take 124 days to get to Mars.

  So let’s see—you need to plan a complete schedule of television viewing on your iPad since you have, well, four months.

  Maybe you can rewatch Lost and try to make sense of . . . Nah, it’s still not gonna make sense.

  You start thinking of books you want to read and maybe even some more that you could write. But then Commander Noble informs you and John Luke that you won’t have to occupy yourselves for four months on the way to Mars.

  “Here’s another fact we can tell you about now,” he says.

  “You’ve invented a way to hunt in space,” you say.

  “Uh . . . no. But the DC Enterprise does have something special it can do. Actually, the space suits are the things that do it.”

  “Are we
able to watch movies through our helmets?” John Luke asks.

  “Well, no, but that would be cool,” Commander Noble says. “Have you ever heard of a thing called stasis?”

  “No, but it sounds a little like steak and biscuits,” you say. You can’t help it. You’re hungry, and this squeezable food they keep giving you is really doing nothing for you. But you’ve got your tea, so you’re getting by, at least.

  “It’s basically being in a prolonged state of motionlessness,” he says.

  “I think Willie’s in perpetual stasis,” you joke.

  “Our space suits can induce this condition, a sort of cybersleep, which basically allows our bodies to shut down for long periods of time. So four months will seem like four hours.”

  “It’ll be like time travel,” you say.

  “No, that’s another story,” John Luke replies.

  “What’d you say?”

  But he doesn’t answer.

  “Departure is less than six hours away,” Commander Noble informs you. He leads the two of you to a small waiting room and leaves to take care of preparations.

  “You ever think God did all this just to show off?” you ask John Luke as you stare out the room’s one window into the infinite beyond. “I mean, just look at it.”

  “It’s amazing,” John Luke says, gazing in awe like you.

  “I was thinking—it’s not enough he made the heavens and the stars. God was like, ‘Here we go, and I’m going to do it right.’ He decided, ‘Let’s keep going.’ Then he made a thousand-something animals and man. I mean, I would’ve been tuckered out after making the solar systems. I would’ve said, ‘It’s Sunday now, Jack.’”

  “You think we’ll ever get back down to Earth?” John Luke asks.

  “Of course we will,” you tell him. “Hey, I promised your parents. I mean, if somethin’ happened to you, Willie’d fly out to space himself to track you down. You have to at least make it long enough to find a pretty lady and get married and have some babies. Forget outer space! Wait until that happens. You’ll be circling the solar system dealing with a woman.”

  Soon you’re in the DC Enterprise again, but this time the flight goes off with barely a motion. You’re already in space, so it’s not like you need some big takeoff out here.

  Before cybersleep comes, the commander’s voice speaks in your helmet once more.

  “Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Time to take our four-month snooze. The space suits will keep your body nice and steady. Make sure you have happy dreams. I’ll see you on the other side of Mars.”

  You picture your family back home, then think of your iced tea, and slowly but surely your eyes drift closed.

  Do you have pleasant dreams on your journey? Go here.

  Do you have nightmares on your journey? Go here.

  BEING HUMAN

  YOU PRESS THE OPEN BUTTON a bunch of times. This elevator isn’t responding the way the ones back home do. Finally the door slides back. You scan the hallway of the thirteenth floor, trying to spot any clues to where the astronauts might be. You pick a direction and start walking when someone stops you.

  “Hey, I know you,” the man says.

  It’s a younger man, maybe in his twenties, and he’s wearing all camouflage. You’ve never seen him before.

  “I’m sorry, son,” you tell him.

  “No, you’re Si Robertson.”

  You shake your head, figuring denial is best at this point.

  “Yeah, we’ve seen you on our planet before.”

  “Hold on, Jack. You’ve seen me?”

  “Sure,” the guy says. “Oh, we’re big supporters of Duck Commander. We own a little store called Beef Eaters. We’ve been ordering from you folks ever since Phil started selling his duck calls. In fact, he was one of the first humans we ever met.”

  “So y’all aren’t humans, then.” You know that much already, but maybe this guy’s about to explain what exactly they are.

  The man shakes his head. “No way.”

  “How’d we ship things to you on another planet?”

  “Oh, only the postal service knows. Shh. I can’t say anything. A big conspiracy of sorts.”

  You’re peering around to see if anybody else is watching you. “Well, it’s been nice to talk.”

  “Hey, wait, I can’t let you go, Si.”

  “Why not?”

  “Uh, ’cause you’re you. A human.”

  “So?”

  The guy laughs. “Don’t you get it?” He glances around to make sure nobody hears what he’s about to say. “We’re invading your planet. Tomorrow.”

  “I promise I won’t tell a soul.”

  The man produces something from his pocket. It looks like a golf ball. “I hate to do this, but . . .”

  He holds up the golf ball, and you watch it turn red, then yellow, then orange.

  Then you black out.

  Go here.

  WE OWN THE SKY

  IT’S BEEN EITHER the best sleep of your life or the worst stretch of snoozing imaginable. But that’s been up to you, you know? Sometimes you gotta get some positive thinking before getting some positive snoring.

  It takes you a while to get going, however. Commander Noble doesn’t simply wake you up via your headset. He’s standing over you, nudging you awake. You notice he’s out of his space suit.

  “We’ve made it safely,” he tells you.

  John Luke already has his space helmet off and looks like he’s been in a dryer for about an hour.

  “How long have you been awake?” you ask the commander.

  “A few days. I had to make sure everything was set as we neared the planet.”

  “Is it still red?”

  Noble smiles. “Yes, Si, Mars is still red.”

  “Shoot. I always thought it was some big illusion or something like that.”

  “Well, if you want to know the truth . . .”

  “People from Earth settled down on it back in the seventies?”

  “No. But as for the color—the soil on Mars has a lot of iron oxide in it. It’s more like a rust shade.”

  “Or maybe vampires live there.” John Luke laughs with a groggy voice.

  “You need to wake up over there, kid,” Noble says. “Look—get out of your suits. The oxygen and stabilizers are all calibrated to this planet.”

  “Did you find the ‘entity’ from wacky world?” you ask.

  “We found . . . something. You’ll see. Soon.”

  When you convene in the galley an hour later, you get the feeling that all the crew members have been awake longer than you and John Luke. So you ask, and sure enough, it turns out each of them woke up at a different time.

  After everyone’s gotten some food and liquid in their bellies, the commander starts to explain the plan, Dan.

  Just hop on the bus, Gus.

  “The first imperative action is to board the Starsailor and see if anybody is alive,” Noble says. “So far we’ve been unsuccessful in every attempt at making contact. So we’re sending a group to go on board and check things out.”

  “That sounds good,” you say.

  “That’s what we do, Si,” Franco says. He slaps you on the back, and you think you might never breathe again.

  “You should know that another group will be heading down to Mars to inspect the entity,” Noble points out. “We managed to take some pictures of it after discovering its location. And . . . well, you have to see it for yourself.”

  Mission Specialist Kim Sampson gives everybody a printout picture of the mysterious thing that brought you to Mars. You look at it and burst out laughing.

  “Ha-ha, I get it. Duck Commander and duck calls.”

  “That’s no joke,” Commander Noble says. “It’s real. We had to look and even do some double takes.”

  “That’s a duck call,” you insist, jabbing a finger at the image that appears to have been Photoshopped onto the page.

  “It resembles one, but that is no duck call. It’s approximately twenty
feet tall.”

  “This thing?” you ask. “It looks like one we make. The Mach 3. All black.”

  “It’s giving off frequencies,” Noble says. “The unaided human ear cannot pick them up, but Kim’s altered them so we can get a sense of what they’re like. Kim, play the recorded transmissions.”

  The mission specialist takes out her iPad and begins tapping on it. Soon you hear something that sounds like a wood duck call. Except a whole lot creepier.

  “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard,” Ben Parkhurst says. “I think I’ll just stay on board here and monitor you guys.”

  “You’re already staying,” Noble reminds him.

  The noise reminds you of something crying out in distress. Yet the sharp weeek-weeek-weeek is so similar to the way Jase might blow a call.

  “We need to assign the groups now,” Commander Noble says. “Ashley and I are going down to Mars to check out the entity. Wade—” he gestures to the quiet mission specialist, who’s sitting near the corner—“will be leading a team over on the Starsailor. Ben and Jada will be staying behind on the ship. What will you do, Silas?”

  You think about it for a minute. Investigating the duck call sounds really cool. Plus, you’re not too sure about this Wade fella. He seems like trouble. This leaves you with only two options. And you’re feeling thirsty again.

  Do you head down to Mars to investigate this mysterious alien duck call? Go here.

  Do you decide to stay on the Enterprise with Ben and Jada and drink some tea? Go here.

  ROAD TO NOWHERE

  YOU BOTH GET OFF THE THREE-WHEELER and head right. Hey—right can’t be wrong, can it? You walk down the hallway and pass through several doors that slide open as you approach them.

  You find yourself in some sort of shipping area where dozens of people are working. They have weird plastic suits on that are all sorts of different colors. Bright colors. Yellow, orange, red, green, purple, and blue. Their faces are covered by masks.