Hunting Shadows

by Bugler, Sheila

  She looked across the park. Like every other day of the week, it was bustling with people everywhere. Did it ever stop, she wondered. Did life ever slow down enough for you to take time to catch your breath and work out what the hell you were doing here?

  ‘Ellen?’

  She looked back at Dai and saw nothing but compassion in his brown eyes. Embarrassed, she looked down, found herself staring at his hand, hanging loosely by his side. It was an old man’s hand. Gnarled knuckles, deep wrinkles and dark patches of skin, which hadn’t been there when she first met him.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asked.

  Resisting the urge to reach out and squeeze his hand, she nodded.

  ‘If I tell you,’ she said, ‘do you promise it won’t go any further?’

  This time, it was Dai who reached out. His big hand wrapping around her smaller one. The calluses on his fingers rubbed over her own knuckles, comforting her.

  ‘Just tell me,’ Dai said.

  And because she couldn’t see any other way, she told him.

  20:35

  I hate him.

  Except the weird thing is, it’s nearly worse when he’s not here. When I’m on my own …

  He’s here now. Putting on another video. I want to hit him and pull him away from the video player and tell him I never, ever in my whole entire life want to watch another episode of the stupid Rainbow f-word Parade.

  Except I don’t say anything. I’m too scared.

  Today he brought bon bons. I don’t really like bon bons but they’re okay, I suppose, and I’m hungry. Really hungry.

  He’s beside me on the bed now and his hand is on my leg. I want to pull away so bad it’s like if I don’t, I’ll explode or something. I don’t look at him. I watch the TV instead, thinking even the f-word Rainbow is better than having to look at his face.

  In a bit, he’ll start going on about Marion. F-word Marion who disappeared years ago and how could he even think I’m her when she’d be an adult now, anyway? But I know it’s because he’s mad and that’s why. Mad people don’t think the same way as normal people.

  And when he starts on about Marion then he’ll cry. You’d swear he was some sort of baby, instead of a big old man. I’m not surprised Marion and Daddy left him. Who’d want to live out here with a lunatic like him?

  ‘Are you okay, Marion?’

  ‘Fine.’

  I’m trying to ignore his hand on my knee. Except it feels so disgusting and I can’t stop thinking about how dirty his fingernails are. I keep chewing on the toffee bon bon, making myself keep going until it’s soft enough to swallow.

  ‘You’re very quiet,’ Brian says. ‘You were never this quiet before. Chatter, chatter, chatter, from morning till night. It was one of the things I missed most.’

  Oh God. Here we go.

  ‘The silence nearly killed me to start with. That first night, I slept in the kitchen. On the floor. I couldn’t bear to go upstairs on my own. It was Simon who found me the next day, curled up asleep on the kitchen floor. Can you believe it? If it wasn’t for Simon, I don’t know how I’d have coped. I mean, I know we never really liked him before. Well, we had our reasons, I suppose. But he was good to me after you left, Marion. Say what you like about him, but he’s looked out for me over the years. You wouldn’t believe what he’s done to keep me safe.’

  I know there’s more. There’s always more. In a moment, he’ll ask me where ‘I’ went and why ‘we’ didn’t take him with us. As if that’s not obvious. Then the tears will start. Wah-wah-wah.

  His hand moves, slipping off my knee and resting a bit higher.

  I hate him.

  ‘I wish you’d tell me where Daddy took you. It was such a shock, you see. Coming home and finding you both gone like that.’

  I can feel his nail, scraping against my skin. I’m thinking if I’m really careful, and if I don’t speak or move at all, maybe he’ll forget about me in a bit and move his hand away.

  He’s still talking and I’m trying not to listen. I’m watching the TV but thinking about ‘iCarly’, my favourite programme. I’m imagining that Carly and Sam and Freddie are in the room with me and any moment now Freddie’s going to smile and tell me everything is okay and before I know it, I’ll be back home with Mum and Dad and Finlay and mad Brian will never, ever be able to find me.

  SATURDAY, 19 FEBRUARY

  11:30

  Saturday morning. Ellen was greeted with a cloudless blue sky and a wind so cold it almost cut her in half as she threw the previous day’s newspaper into the green recycling bin, along with an empty wine bottle. It wasn’t the first bottle inside the bin and seeing them piled up like that, Ellen knew she’d have to cut back. The wine was in danger of becoming something she relied on. If it wasn’t already.

  She looked up at the sky and considered her options for the morning. She had a few clear hours before work started. On a day like this, there was only one place to be. She went back inside to the children.

  ‘Right,’ she announced. ‘Let’s all get dressed and go to the park. It’s a beautiful day out there.’

  ‘It’s cold,’ Eilish moaned. ‘Don’t want to go out in the cold.’

  ‘The fresh air will do you good,’ Ellen said. She sounded so much like her mother sometimes it was a worry. ‘We’ll go and see the deer, have a hot chocolate in The Pavilion and later, if you’re both really good, we’ll have an early lunch in Pizza Express.’

  Wrapped up well, the three of them left the house and walked the short distance from Annandale Road to Greenwich Park. Despite the cold, every other family seemed to have had the same idea. Ellen’s progress through the park was slow as the children encountered several friends along the way. By the time they reached The Pavilion for their hot chocolate stop, their group had increased to include three other parents – two mothers, one father – and five more kids.

  Ellen was relieved when she spotted Kirstie Jakes among the group. Kirstie was the mother of Rufus, Pat’s best friend ever in the whole wide world. She was also, like Ellen, a single parent. In the traditional community of St Joseph’s Primary School, single parents were the exception rather than the norm. Kirstie, a divorcée, was even more of a source of gossip than Ellen, a mere widow.

  Once they’d purchased their drinks, the group walked to the deer enclosure at the top of the park. Ellen mentally planned how the rest of the morning would go. The deer, followed by a trip back down the hill to the playground where the kids would run around for a good hour, if she was lucky. Then Pizza Express, drop Pat and Eilish off at her parents’ for the afternoon and rush off to work. She tried not to look at her watch every few minutes, willing the time to pass quickly so she could be at her desk sooner rather than later. Her mind was full of Jodie Hudson and finding the space to concentrate on her own children was proving difficult.

  Kirstie walked with Ellen, sipping her chocolate and bitching about Peter, her ex.

  ‘This was his weekend with the kids. Bastard phoned me last night to say he had to work.’ She snorted. ‘Work my arse. He sounded half-pissed and I bet he’s picked up some tart and was planning to shag her stupid all weekend instead of spending time with his own kids.’

  ‘Rufus and Izzy must be gutted,’ Ellen said. ‘Life’s so crap for kids sometimes, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yeah, but they’re resilient as well,’ Kirstie said. ‘I mean, look at them now. You’d never guess there was anything wrong with them, would you?’

  She was right. Rufus and Pat were playing some sort of Star Wars game, whacking each other with imaginary light sabres. Izzy was huddled in a group with Molly Prendergast and Eilish, giggling and whispering girlie secrets to each other.

  Kirstie’s kids looked for all the world as if there were no clouds on the horizon of their little lives. Likewise, to look at Pat and Eilish, you’d never know that they still cried regularly for their own father – dead for over three years.

  ‘We’re going to Pizza Express later,’ Ellen said. ‘Why don’t
you join us? The kids are having a great time together, it seems a shame to break them up.’

  Further down the hill, conversation with the other parents turned to secondary schools – specifically the lack of decent ones in Greenwich – and Ellen found her mind drifting. Pat had two years of primary school left, so worrying about what secondary school he would attend wasn’t high on her list of priorities right now. Plenty of time to worry about that once Year Four was behind him.

  On mornings like this, the park was the best place in the world to be. It swept out in front of her, all the way down to the colonnaded splendour of the Maritime Museum. Behind the museum, the Naval College stretched along the Cronin of the Thames, itself a sheet of silver in the early spring sun. On the other side of the river, the glass and concrete buildings of Canary Wharf stood out against the clear blue sky, out-of-place and futuristic, contrasting sharply with the rest of the city, tumbling away behind it.

  Ellen took a moment to soak up the view, reminding herself how good her life was. She might have stood there a while longer, savouring her moment of stillness, if she hadn’t been distracted by someone calling her name. She looked around, and her stomach somersaulted when she saw Jim O’Dwyer walking towards her.

  The kids had spotted him as well and threw themselves at him, giving Ellen time to straighten her mouth out so she wasn’t smiling like a loon.

  ‘We’re going to the playground!’ Eilish screeched.

  ‘Yeah, come with us,’ Pat roared. ‘Please, Jim! You can chase us.’

  ‘And you can have pizza with us afterwards,’ Eilish added helpfully, her voice rising even higher than before. Not something Ellen would have thought possible.

  Smiling, Jim untangled himself from the children and nodded at Ellen. ‘Shouldn’t we check with your mother first?’

  Eilish giggled. ‘She won’t mind.’

  ‘I’m sure Jim’s got better things to do on his weekend than chase you two around a playground,’ Ellen said, cringing at how prim she sounded.

  Jim rolled his eyes. ‘What could be better than chasing these two about the place?’

  And before she could stop him he had raised his arms like claws and started making growling sounds. On cue, Pat and Eilish fled, screaming and squealing. He gave them three seconds, winked at Ellen and ran after them.

  ‘Who the hell is that?’ Kirstie hissed.

  Ellen shrugged. ‘Just a guy I went to school with. Primary school, actually. Sort of a family friend, I guess.’

  Kirstie sniffed. ‘Family friend, my arse. And speaking of arses, he’s got a fine one. Ellen Kelly! Is that a blush I see rising up those porcelain cheeks of yours? Come on, spill the beans. You and him?’

  Ellen shook her head and almost succeeded in frowning. ‘God, no. Nothing like that. Seriously, Kirstie.’

  Now here he was, standing in front of her again, smiling in that bloody irritating way of his. When he smiled, a dimple appeared under his left eye and she found herself staring at this now, mesmerised.

  ‘Ellen?’

  She blinked. ‘Sorry, what did you say?’

  ‘I was just asking how you’re doing. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.’

  ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘How about you? You’re looking good.’

  For Christ’s sake. What possessed me to say that? Control yourself, woman.

  The dimple deepened. ‘Not looking so bad yourself. Kids seem good, too. Listen, I’d love to come along to the park for a bit. But only if you’re sure I won’t be getting in the way or anything?’

  Wildly, Ellen glanced around for Kirstie, but her friend had mysteriously melted away, leaving Ellen alone with him.

  ‘Um,’ she said.

  Green eyes. Seemed greener against his dark skin. How’d he get to be so tanned at this time of year?

  ‘Great,’ he said. ‘That’s decided then. Come on, kids. I’ll race you down the hill.’

  Ellen opened her mouth to say something else, possibly to protest at the way everyone assumed she was happy with what had just been decided. Except before she could get any words out, the others were already halfway down the hill and she had no choice but to follow them.

  ‘Not so fast, Eilish!’ she called out. It was a futile exercise. Since Jim had appeared, Ellen might as well be invisible for all the attention they paid her. As she hurried after them, snippets of yesterday’s conversation with Dai came back to her. She’d felt guilty, at first, for telling Dai about Ed and Abby. Then angry when Dai seemed neither surprised or particularly shocked.

  ‘It happens,’ Dai said. ‘Especially in a job like ours, where you spend more time with the people you work with than you do with your own family.’

  ‘But not Baxter,’ Ellen argued. ‘He’s been happily married for as long as I’ve known him. What’s he doing, throwing that away for a fling with some stupid blonde half his age?’

  ‘Sounds like she’s your problem,’ Dai said. ‘Not Ed.’

  Maybe Dai was right. She didn’t like Abby Roberts. And it wasn’t just because of the affair. What Ellen hated was women who used their looks instead of their brains to get what they wanted. In doing so, they undermined all women, everywhere.

  She’d reached the playground now and needed to gather up the kids and go for the pizza she’d promised them. A rash promise, now she thought about it. She would have been better off bringing them straight around to her mother’s and getting into work as soon as possible. But one look at their little faces and she knew she was incapable of letting them down. Pizza Express was a highlight for them – they’d be devastated if she called it off. And nothing was worth that. Life, after all, was too short not to do everything you could to make it as perfect as possible for those you loved most in the world.

  13:00

  Simon was saying something, but Brian wasn’t listening. His head too full of Marion to concentrate on anything else.

  ‘You okay, mate?’

  He felt Simon’s hand on his shoulder and jumped.

  ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘Just a bit tired. Not sleeping so well, you know?’

  ‘Never a problem for me,’ Simon said. ‘Not in this job. I’m knackered by the time I get home in the evenings.’ He paused and looked closely at Brian. ‘You do look a bit shagged, now you mention it. Anything you need to talk about?’

  Fear clutched his stomach and he shook his head.

  Simon looked at him a moment longer then shrugged. ‘Well if you’re sure. Hey, look over there. It’s her, isn’t it?’

  For a terrible moment, Brian thought he meant Marion. It was the girl’s hair. Long and dark. As he watched, she turned and started running down the hill, black hair streaming out behind her like a river.

  She was laughing as she ran – a lovely sound that carried across the park and lifted his spirits. Was that strawberries in the air or was he only imagining it? Strawberry shampoo. In a red bottle in the bathroom. Mam used it to wash her hair.

  He had a sudden, clear memory of a summer’s day, a long time ago, when he’d made her a daisy chain. It had taken him ages to thread the delicate stems. Like Daddy, he had big hands that weren’t suited to such a delicate job. But he’d managed it in the end and it had been worth it for the smile she gave him as he placed the crown of flowers on her head. And how beautiful had it looked sitting on top of that blue-black hair of hers?

  ‘See?’ Simon said. ‘It’s definitely her. Bitch from Manor Park. I’ve a good mind to go over to her now.’

  Then Brian realised.

  Simon wasn’t talking about the girl. It was the woman. Tall and slender, she was hurrying down the park after the girl, calling out to her.

  ‘Not so fast, Eilish!’

  Eilish. Relief rushed through every part of his body. It wasn’t Marion. She was still at home. Safe. Besides, what was he thinking? The girl running down the hill was too young – couldn’t be more than six or seven, he guessed.

  He examined the woman again, and shook his head. He couldn’t place her.
Faces were a problem for him. Always had been. When he was little, men would drift in and out of the house – friends of Daddy’s. Bad men who hurt him. Afterwards, Brian was always able to remember the things they’d done to him, the different ways they’d hurt him, but never their faces. It was why it had taken him so long to find Marion. So many girls out there who looked like her, it hadn’t been easy.

  ‘Jesus, Brian.’ Simon shook his arm. ‘You’re away with the fairies today. Listen, mate, why don’t you take a breather? Go grab a coffee or something. I’ll be fine on my own. We’ve nearly finished this section, anyway.’

  ‘Thanks, Simon,’ Brian said, relief rushing through him. ‘Appreciate it. Really, I do.’

  He pulled off his gloves and walked away from Simon. His head felt like it might explode and he tried to think of something else. Except it was impossible. Every bit of his brain was stuffed with thoughts of Marion.

  Part of him wanted to tell Simon, share his good news with someone. And who else did he have except Simon? Maybe he could. Maybe this time Simon would understand, know that even if Brian had made mistakes in the past, things were different now. Maybe …

  He turned around, ready to go back. Stopped himself just in time.

  What was he thinking?

  Simon would only twist things. Try to persuade him it wasn’t Marion. That he’d messed up. Again. And before he knew it Simon would start on about Molly. He felt himself starting to sweat. Impatiently, he unzipped his jacket and held it open, letting the cool air rush in, wrapping around his body as he hurried down the hill, as far from Simon as he could get.

  Simon was only looking out for him. He knew that. It’s what Simon did. What he’d always done. Brian felt bad lying to him. Simon was his best friend. His only friend. The one person in the world who’d always been there for him. No matter what. He owed Simon, big time.

  Breathing deeply, he forced himself to calm down, think sensibly. There was no need for Simon to know anything about this. All he was doing was keeping his promise. Mam had made him swear to look after Marion and that’s what he was going to do. If that meant lying to Simon or the police or anyone else, well, so be it.