by Susan Lewis
'He said he knew.'
Feeling a surge of longing for him, Julia closed her eyes and let the warmth of it spread all the way through her. 'How's Dan?' she asked, looking at Shannon again. 'He'd had a row with Gavin the last time I spoke to him.'
'I think it's all sorted out now, but Dad really can't stand that boy. Nor can I. He's just a bully, and he doesn't deserve to have Dan as a friend.'
Julia winced, as Shannon shifted round to lie next to her. 'I thought you'd like what Dad said about you,' she said, settling her head on Julia's shoulder. 'He really loves you, Mum, I know he does. I think you've just got to be a bit nicer to him and then everything will be all right again.'
Julia was listening and smiling, and thinking that there was nothing quite like receiving advice on her love life from her teenage daughter, particularly when Shannon didn't know the half of what had gone on. Nor did Julia want her to, for there was nothing in the world to be gained from destroying Shannon's illusions where her father was concerned 'So with all this talk of Ottie's friends, am I to understand that someone else has replaced Rico in your affections?' she asked hopefully.
Shannon sighed long and forlornly. 'No,' she replied, picking up Julia's hand and twisting her wedding ring. 'I really, really like him, Mum. I mean, I know he's too old for me now, but lots of people marry someone ten years older than them, don't they?'
'It might be a little early to be thinking about marriage,' Julia said softly.
'But I'll be sixteen soon. It'll be OK then.'
Easily able to understand her infatuation, and remembering just how intense it could be at that age, Julia gave her a squeeze, and said, 'Time for bed now. We can talk some more in the morning.'
Shannon got as far as the door before turning back with a worried look on her face. 'You're not going to stop me seeing him, now I've told you that, are you?' she asked.
Julia smiled. 'No, but I do want you to remember your promise that you won't do anything you shouldn't.'
Shannon brightened. 'I will remember and I won't, I promise,' she said. 'Love you, sweet dreams.'
'Love you too,' Julia responded, and reaching out to turn off the light, she closed her eyes, hoping that sleep might come quickly to release her from the ready torment of her conscious mind.
Chapter Eleven
Josh was laughing quietly into the phone as Sylvia regaled him with some of the more lurid details of a party she'd just left in New York. Since she was talking about several people he knew, he was easily able to picture the scene she was describing, and even hear the outrage in one publisher's voice as he'd publicly insulted another.
Though it was still only seven in the morning, making it two a.m. in New York, they'd already been on the line for over half an hour, and since Dan was still asleep below decks there didn't seem to be any reason to ring off yet. Besides, at some point he intended to try again to persuade her that she really did have to stop calling.
Twenty minutes later they were still talking, laughing as they discussed how to handle an awkward situation that had arisen between Sylvia and her American agent. He didn't imagine she couldn't negotiate it without his input, but since she seemed to be valuing it, he saw no reason not to advise her. And from there the conversation
seemed to flow on quite naturally to various deals he'd pulled off in recent times, some of which she claimed to be impressed by, while she teased him playfully about others.
Ignoring the fact that someone had been trying to get through for some time, he continued to listen, occasionally chuckling as she applied her caustic wit to descriptions of people neither of them much cared for, and the various encounters she'd had with them, until finally she yawned sleepily and said, 'Well, as much as I'd love to spend the whole night lying here talking to you, my darling, I've got a breakfast meeting at eight, so I think it's time to ring off. I'll call again when I wake up.'
Though he started to protest about her calling later, he found himself lacking the words, since there had been nothing sexual, or even particularly intimate about this morning's call - they'd simply been chatting like old friends who had a lot in common, and who enjoyed each other's humour, so to make any objection to speaking again seemed inappropriate, and even petty.
After they'd said goodbye, he slipped back down through the hatch, and after looking in on Dan who was still fast asleep, he put on some coffee then checked his messages. He suspected there would be several, for the line had been almost constantly bleeping towards the end of his call. He wasn't surprised to find that one was from Julia, letting him know that she'd woken up early and just wanted to hear his voice, and another was from Marina asking him to get back to her the minute he could. There were also several more
calls with no messages, two easily identified from Julia, the others only coming up as private numbers.
Already feeling wretched for having to lie to Julia about whom he'd been speaking to for so long, and so early in the morning, he decided to put it off tor the moment, and call Marina first.
'What are you doing in the office at this hour?' he asked when she answered.
'I can get a lot done before the phones start,' she reminded him. 'I assume you've been on the line to Tim Roper all this time,' she added, referring to the American author who'd sacked his publisher the day before.
Taken aback, he said, 'It's three o'clock in the morning over there, he'd hardly be calling me now.' Then realising the unidentified numbers were probably Roper's, he said, 'What's happened ?'
'I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear he's on one of his benders. I won't repeat what he intends to do to his publisher, his New York agent and the world's press, just suffice it to say, you're the only one he feels he can trust, and he wants you over there now!'
Josh stiffened, then immediately began shaking his head. 'It's just not possible,' he said. 'I told you yesterday...'
'And I told him, though I didn't mention the divorce bit but he's absolutely insisting you go over there, or you're fired too.'
Though he wasn't at all sure he intended to go, Josh was already frantically searching his mind for a way to sell this to Julia, as if such a possibility
actually existed. 'What time did you last speak to him?' he asked.
'About five minutes ago. He might well have passed out by now, because he certainly sounded on the verge of it.'
'We can always hope,' he responded, turning to pour himself a coffee. 'Look, I've got a big day on with Dan today. There's no way I can let him down, so let's give Roper some time to sleep things off, and I'll speak to him later, see if his problems can be dealt with over the phone.'
'Meanwhile, shall I go ahead and check out the availability of flights for tomorrow?' she asked.
Reminding himself that his conscience was clear over this, for Roper's drink problem was not in his control, he said, 'OK, but don't book anything yet, and if Roper calls you before me, remind him that other people have lives too.'
As he rang off he finished pouring his coffee, then turned to watch a bleary-eyed Dan climbing out of his berth.
'Who were you talking to?' Dan asked, yawning as he came into the cabin.
'Marina. Mum's called a couple of times, do you want to call her back?'
He nodded and yawned again as he took the mobile. 'Can I have some orange juice first?' he asked.
'Of course. Then I'll make you some porridge.'
It wasn't that he was avoiding speaking to Julia, exactly, he just wanted her to be fully mindful of the fact that Dan was around when he floated the possibility of having to dash over to New York.
Julia had no idea whether it was because she'd drunk too much wine last night, or because she was coming down with some kind of flu, but her stomach was rejecting everything this morning, even water, her head was pounding, she was cold, shivery and so numbingly tired that she'd already decided, once she'd spoken to Josh and Dan, she was going straight back to bed.
Since Shannon had dashed off early to go riding with Ottie,
she'd been alone in the kitchen, tidying up from last night, and repeatedly trying to get hold of Josh. Though she dreaded the reason for how long his line had been busy, she'd somehow forced herself to stay calm, but as she carried a hot lemon drink to the table now, and sat down next to the phone, she was feeling so anxious and nervous that she was actually afraid to pick it up.
In the end she made herself, and this time after she dialled his number she managed to get through. Dan answered almost immediately, and even before she could say hello he launched into how he'd been just about to call her, so she must have read his mind, which made them telephonic. Hearing Josh correct him in the background she smiled and listened to him chatter on excitedly, telling her all about their plans for the day, how they were going to sail as far as the Isle of Wight, and might even go on to France, or even Jamaica, if they had the right wind.
Laughing softly she said, 'Just make sure you send me a postcard.'
'Oh I will,' he assured her. 'And I'll bring you back a present. And one for Shannon too. Do you
want to speak to Dad now, because my porridge is ready?'
'Yes please,' she answered, and felt a horrible clenching of nerves again as she waited for Dan to pass over the phone.
'Hi darling,' he said, coming onto the line. 'So you were awake early and thinking of me?'
'You got my message.'
'Of course. I was just making Dan's breakfast, then I was going to call back.'
'So who were you talking to all that time?'
'Would you believe, Tim Roper's on another of his benders? He's trying to fire everyone, apparently.'
So he had been on the line to New York, and no she wouldn't believe Tim Roper was on another of his benders, because it was just too damned convenient. 'So I suppose you have to go over there,' she said, feeling such a weariness descend on her that for a moment she wasn't sure she had it in her to object.
'I'm trying to avoid it,' he assured her. 'He hasn't called back in the last twenty minutes, so with any luck that means he's out cold. I'll just have to see what kind of shape he's in when he comes round.'
She took a breath, and opened her eyes wide, trying to stay connected to this, for something strange seemed to be happening inside her head that was making her feel oddly remote. 'You know I want to believe you,' she said, 'but I can't.'
'Darling, it's the truth. Call Marina, she'll tell you ...'
'I don't want to call Marina. I just want this to
be over, Josh.' She stared down at her cup and wondered when she'd ever felt so peculiar inside, or so afraid. 'When did you last speak to Sylvia?' she asked quietly.
He didn't reply and her heart twisted with so much pain that she wanted to die.
'That's who you were talking to all that time, wasn't it?" she said.
'Look, she just needed some advice about her agent...'
"So she called you at two thirty in the morning?' 'She has a breakfast meeting and wanted to talk it through beforehand.'
The room seemed to be spinning now, making her feel faint. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. 'I don't know what to do,' she murmured, realising how close she was to the edge. 'I'm not sure I can take any more.'
'Listen, I swear it's the truth about Tim Roper,' he told her. 'He wants me over there, and he's threatening to fire me too, if I don't go. I could fly out and come back and Sylvia wouldn't even have to know I was there.'
'Josh, please credit me with some intelligence,' she responded, unable to open her eyes.
'For Christ's sake, I didn't ask for this to happen now,' he cried. 'Tim Roper's on his own agenda. It's got nothing to do with me, or Sylvia, or anything else.'
She swallowed hard, and after a couple of deep breaths she finally started to feel a bit steadier. 'If you go, Josh,' she said, then stopped, not entirely sure what she wanted to say 'He's one of my biggest clients, Julia,' he
reminded her. 'You know that. He's not someone I can afford to lose.'
'And what about your wife? Can you afford to lose her?'
Her question fell into such a terrible silence that she could almost feel herself drowning in it. In the end he said, 'Julia, listen ...'
'No, you listen, Josh. I'm not going to threaten you, nor am I going to beg, I'm just going to ask you, if you still love me, please don't go to New York.'
'Of course I still love you,' he said.
'Then tell me you won't go.'
'But...'
'Josh.'
'OK. If that's how it has to be, I won't go.'
'No matter what?'
'No matter what.'
Relief unfurled some of the knots in her head, but they were soon tightening again, for she simply didn't trust him. 'Is that a promise?' she asked.
'Yes. It's a promise.'
She sat very still, hardly connecting with what she was feeling now beyond an overwhelming sense of longing that seemed to go so deep inside her, so far into her very soul that it might have no end. It made her think of her father, and his protective arms, then of Josh and his embrace, but as tears of self-pity came to her eyes she blinked them away.
'Are you OK?' he asked.
'I think so. Tell me this, Josh, do you want her more than you want me?'
'0h God no, of course not,' he groaned, only now seeming to grasp just how afraid she was.
'Don't ever think that. You're the only woman who's ever really mattered to me, and you still are.'
'I wish I could believe you.' 'It's true. Please don't ever doubt how much I love you.'
'How much is that?' she asked. 'Well, let's put it this way, if we weren't already married, I'd ask you to marry me now, because you're the only person in the world I want to spend my life with.'
She couldn't help but smile. 'You know how much I love you too, don't you?' she said.
'I think so, but I'm going to confess there have been times this past year when I haven't always been so sure.' Emotion was locking her throat. 'It hasn't been easy,' he said softly. 'I miss how close we used to be.'
'So do I, but I'm trying with this, Josh. I swear. I want to be myself again, I want us back as we were.'
'That's all I want too,' he told her. 'Nothing else matters. Not Sylvia, nor Roper, nothing, just you.'
After she'd rung off she sat where she was for a while, staring into space as she wondered what to believe, for though he'd sounded sincere at the end, and she'd felt reassured while speaking to him now she was here in silence she was aware of the fear starting to build all over again.
It was the thought of them speaking on the
phone for over an hour, discussing things that mattered, becoming involved in each other's lives that was scaring her so much, and as tears of desperation spilled onto her cheeks she felt herself starting to shake. She knew she should go to bed now, that if she sat here dwelling on it like this she'd only make it worse for herself, but the fact that Sylvia was out there, able to call Josh at any time, and that this Roper story was probably a ruse they'd cooked up to get him to New York, was paralysing her with dread. She had to do something to stop it. She couldn't just let it happen. He was her husband, the man she loved. He didn't belong to Sylvia. She was an intruder, a snake, a scheming bitch who didn't care who she hurt just as long as she got what she wanted. She had no right to come crashing into their marriage like this. She had to be got rid of, and if Josh wasn't doing it, then she must.
It would be almost four in the morning New York time now, but Julia wasn't even close to caring about that, her only concern was how capable she was of doing this while her energy was so depleted. Nevertheless, she pressed Sylvia's mobile number into the phone and waited for the connection.
Sylvia answered on the third ring.
'I know what you're trying to do,' Julia told her, 'and it's not going to work. He doesn't want you ...'
'Julia,' Sylvia came in groggily. 'What a lovely surprise. How are you? I've been meaning to call . ..'
'Spare me the act, you're the last person I
want to hear from, and you know it.'
'Gosh, is this some new line you've got going in wake-up calls?' Sylvia quipped.
'Josh was the only man who'd ever resisted you, wasn't he.' Julia raged, 'and you just couldn't stand it. You had to have him, if only to prove to yourself that you could, so the minute you knew I had problems, you struck, like the poisonous, pustulating viper that you are ...'
'Ugh, how horrible you're making me sound,' Sylvia shuddered. 'But really darling, I thought Josh explained, we did it for you ...'
'Don't even go there!' Julia cut in furiously. 'You did it because he was a challenge, because I had something you didn't. He never wanted you ...'
'Oh dear Julia,' Sylvia sighed. 'You're very wrong about that, because the truth is he's wanted me for years, and I'm the one who's been turning him down. I can't say it's been easy, because he's pretty damned irresistible ...' 'You're a liar!'
'If that's what you want to tell yourself, but you still have to accept that it takes two, Julia, and like it or not, Josh wanted me as much as I wanted him - and he still does.'
Julia was finding it hard to think now, as her mind started to clog with fury and fear. 'Just leave us alone, Sylvia,' she gasped. 'Get out of our lives.'
'I'm afraid you'll have to talk to Josh about that, because I don't think that's what he wants.'
'For Christ's sake, what's the matter with you?' Julia cried. 'Why are you doing this? You can have any man ...' 'Now you're flattering me.'
'Sylvia, we go back so many years. I thought we were friends ...'
'We are,' Sylvia assured her. 'Nothing's changed on that front, at least not for me. We're just going to share Josh for a while, that's all.'
The blood was pounding so hard in Julia's head now, she could barely see or think. She knew she had to end this call, to continue it when she was more in control, but she couldn't let her win. 'He's not coming to New York, so you can forget that right now,' she choked.
Sylvia sounded surprised. 'Why, did he say he was?' she said. 'How sweet of him to think of coming all this way, just for me, but we're very good together, so I probably shouldn't be surprised. Frankly, Julia, I don't know how you manage to resist him.'