by Susan Lewis
Julia couldn't take much more. 'Just leave him alone,' she seethed. 'Don't ever go near him again or I'll make you sorrier than you've ever been in your life.'
'Oh really?' Sylvia responded, sounding intrigued. 'Now how would you do that?'
Cursing the fact that she had no real power, Julia clutched at what little she did have and said, 'I know everything there is to know about you, Sylvia. I can destroy your reputation. I can turn you into a social pariah, and believe me, I will if I hear you've even as much as picked up the phone to call him again.'
'But I'm dying to know what you'll actually do,' Sylvia prompted. 'Or do I have to screw him again to find out? It would be my pleasure, of course, and we both know it's going to happen anyway,
though I'm getting the impression that's not what you want. You know, I just can't help wondering how you're going to cope with all this when he becomes my agent.'
Julia fell silent as a dark, deafening drone filled up her ears.
'He did tell you about that, didn't he?' Sylvia was saving. As you know, he's wanted to represent me for years, and ...'
Unable to listen to any more Julia put down the phone, then immediately called Josh.
'What!' he cried when she repeated Sylvia's claim. 'That's absolutely not true. She's lying. The subject hasn't even come up, so I've got no idea why she's saying that.'
Julia started to respond, but all that came out were huge, racking sobs.
'Darling, stop, stop,' Josh soothed. 'It's going to be all right. I swear it. Don't listen to her, because none of it's true.' 'Are you sure?'
'Of course I am. Christ, do you really think I'd take her on as a client now, after what's happened? I'd have to be insane, and I'm not, I'm just madly in love with you and more sorry about the pain I've caused you than you can ever know.'
'I love you so much,' Julia gasped, her voice shredded by tears. 'I shouldn't have made that call now. I feel so dreadful. I've got a hangover, I think I'm coming down with flu ...' 'Where's Shannon?' he said. 'Out riding.'
'Do you want me to come over there? I can pack up here...'
'No, it's OK, Dan's looking forward to today.' But she did want him to come, more than anything in the world she wanted him to be here now.
'Go back to bed,' he said gently. 'Let Shannon take care of you when she comes in, and if I can get a signal I'll call in a couple of hours to find out how you are.'
'OK,' she answered weakly. 'Have you set sail yet, you two?'
'We're just about to.'
She swallowed hard to try and prevent the next question, but in the end she couldn't. 'You won't call her now, will you?' she said.
'No, of course not,' he reassured her. 'I never call her, she always calls me, and I'm going to make sure that stops.'
Feeling slightly pacified, even though she'd heard it before, she told him she loved him again, then finally rang off. This time she forced herself up from the table, and carried the phone back to its base. She'd make no more calls this morning, not even to her sister, because she was feeling so ghastly now that it was going to take every ounce of the energy she had left to climb back up the stairs to bed.
Sylvia was still awake in her chic, minimalist hotel suite, lying on the king-size bed, and going back over her conversation with Julia. She had to confess, she was surprised she hadn't heard from her long before now, though she guessed Julia had had a lot on her plate, what with her father dying, and having to go down there to Cornwall to sort everything out. What terrible timing it had all been
for her, finding out that Josh really was having an affair, only minutes after learning of her father's demise. Sylvia couldn't feel anything but sorry for Julia, because both men meant so much to her that it had to be heartbreaking losing them both at the same time - though the pain had to be somewhat muted with her father, considering how long it had been since she'd last seen him. Sylvia could only wonder now how long it was going to be before Julia accepted that she'd lost Josh too. With her history of taking twenty-five years to get over being abandoned, it didn't bode well, but at least in this instance she would know why Josh had gone. No mystery there, as there had been - still was - with her father.
Sighing gently to herself, Sylvia stretched out her long limbs and considered calling Josh again. In the end she decided not to, for she didn't want to appear too eager, and besides, he was probably out of range by now. Just thinking of him, on his boat his hair blowing in the wind, his strong hands feeding the ropes, his muscular body moving about the deck, caused endless ripples of pleasure to float through her. It was a strange feeling, she was finding, being in love, and not altogether pleasant, actually, which was why she could empathise with Julia. For every degree of pleasure, there was a double degree of pain, she remembered reading somewhere once, and now she probably understood it. Not that Josh had hurt her at all, far from it, but it was certainly within his power to do so, which was more than she could say for any other man she'd known. Of course, she'd experienced deep affection with others, and
certainly great passion, but with Josh there was everything there had been before - and so very much more. She felt a link to him, a connection that had her totally in his thrall. She just couldn't get enough of him, could hardly even stop thinking about him and was totally committed to finding out what it was like to make love to him when he was holding nothing of himself back.
Sighing again, she slid a hand down between her legs and imagined it was his. She knew now that he was everything she'd ever wanted in a man, for her life had changed completely since their affair had started, she'd felt so much more alive and fulfilled, such a sense of inner power and completeness, though even she had taken a while to realise just how profound an effect he was having.
For Josh the realisation was apparently going to take a while longer, but that was understandable when his life was so cluttered with other things. However, she was certain that on some level he did know, it was simply that he wasn't ready to confront it yet. But he would, provided she didn't rush him - and the discovery that he'd been intending to join her here in New York told her that he was possibly even closer to accepting the inevitable than she'd realised.
Chapter Twelve
The fallowing morning, having slept right through the previous day, and all night, Julia was feeling almost human again, though perhaps a little groggy, but then she hadn't long woken up.
'Honestly, I'm fine,' she told Josh when he called, while snuggling back under the duvet with the phone. 'I think it must have been a combination of too much wine and not enough food, and maybe some kind of cold bug. Anyway, Tilde mixed me one of her magic potions last night, and it definitely seems to have done the trick, because I'm absolutely famished now, and our beautiful daughter is, as we speak, downstairs making me some breakfast.'
'I think you had her worried yesterday,' Josh informed her. 'In fact, we all were, and I'd probably be there by now, if Tilde hadn't insisted you needed to sleep.'
'Well, I'm touched that you care, and sorry that I turned into another person, because that's how it feels now, as though someone else took
possession of me. So if I made a complete fool of myself, please don't remind me because I'd rather not know.'
He chuckled. 'You were adorable, and I loved you more than ever,' he assured her.
'You're not angry with me about calling Sylvia?'
'Not a bit. With any luck she'll listen to you, because she doesn't seem to be listening to me.'
Though she couldn't help wondering how many times Sylvia had called him since she'd warned her not to, she managed not to ask, saying instead, 'What about New York? Are you going to go?'
'No. Tim Roper can fire who the hell he damned well likes, me included, if it means I get to hold onto you.'
Feeling her heart swell, she said, 'So what are you going to do today?'
'I'm not sure yet. Dan's still asleep, so I'll probably get on with some work while it's quiet.'
'Does that mean I'm dismissed?'
Not long after they'd rung off Fen called to make sure she was still alive, and finding that she was they embarked upon a lengthy conversation, mostly about the call Julia had made to Sylvia, until Shannon finally trudged up the stairs with a half-burnt, half-uncooked breakfast, which Julia was hungry enough to demolish completely. Then Dan rang to say good morning, just before Tilde popped in to brew her another magic tea, and by the time she'd managed to get into the shower, reassure Shannon that she looked gorgeous in her riding gear, then dress herself,
she was more or less ready to start making up far lost time.
She began by dialling her sister's number, and after informing her brother-in-law, somewhat tersely, that she would still like to speak to Pam, she carried the phone back upstairs, where she positioned the ladder ready to climb into the attic. Since she had the whole morning free now, thanks to the probate officer rescheduling their appointment, she was going to start uncovering whatever hidden treasures might be stored in the eaves, before joining Fen and her family for the burial of the ashes. Fortunately it would only be a small group of them today clustered around Gwen's graveside to watch her husband's remains going to join hers. Julia could already feel how deeply it would touch them all, and was starting to wonder about the wisdom of allowing Shannon to come along.
Suddenly realising she'd been cut off, she glared meaningfully at the phone and was about to redial when it started to ring.
'Hi,' Josh said, 'just letting you know that Dan and I are heading back to London in about fifteen minutes.'
Julia blinked. 'That's a bit sudden, isn't it?' she said.
'There's so much going on, I have to be there.'
'But how does Dan feel about that? You promised him a week.'
'He's OK with it,' he assured her. 'Aren't you, son?' he said clearly addressing Daniel.
'I'm fine, Mum,' Daniel shouted out.
'Of course he is,' Julia said curtly, 'anyone can talk him into anything.'
'Please don't give me a hard time over this, Julia. I'd stay if I could ...'
'So what's the big deal, to create such a rush?'
'There's no one thing in particular, it's just getting too much for Marina to handle on her own, and there's a meeting I really ought to be at this afternoon. It's too important for the author to go alone, and my mother's going to be there for Dan when we arrive.'
Julia's face tightened. 'Really,' she responded.
He sighed. 'Julia.'
'OK, sorry, but you could have brought him here.'
'Why, when you're heading back to London yourself at the weekend?'
'Actually, I'm not. Shannon and I are going to stay here until she returns to school next Wednesday.'
Silence, which told her he was as unimpressed by that as she'd expected him to be, but at least it meant he wanted her home, which was pleasantly reassuring considering how insecure she was feeling.
'OK,' she said, 'here's the deal. I won't give you a hard time about cutting Daniel's holiday short, if you don't give me one about staying here longer than you thought. Anyway, I can't see the probate officer until next week now.'
More silence.
'Josh?'
'Well, what am I supposed to say?' he demanded.
'You could always feel glad I'm prepared to trust you, considering the fact that Sylvia's due back at the weekend.'
'OK, let's drop this now.'
'I thought you might say that, but it won't just go away, you know. We still have to discuss it...'
'We will, but not right now, eh?'
Realising he was reminding her about Dan she said, 'All right, I'll just hope I'm not making a big mistake. Now, do you think it'll be OK with your mother to stay until Tuesday? If not, I'll ask ...'
'You know she'll do it, and don't even think about inflicting Maisie with the moustache on us, because we'll riot, won't we, son?'
'Definitely,' Dan shouted.
Julia smiled. 'OK, I'll talk to you later,' she said. 'I'm trying to get hold of my sister right now, so I'll let you know how it goes.'
After ringing off, she immediately redialled Pam's number. This time Pam herself answered, rather than the monosyllabic, flaccid personality she'd married.
'Julia, what can I do for you,' Pam said in an infuriatingly long-suffering tone.
Resisting the urge to say yes, I'm fine thank you, how are you, Julia decided to come straight to the point. 'Did you visit Dad around six weeks before he died?'
There was a moment's astonished silence before Pam said, 'What? Why on earth would I have done that?'
'I'm asking you to tell me.'
'Julia, I didn't even know he was still alive, never mind where he lived.'
'Are you sure?'
'Of course I'm sure. What's the matter with you? Do you think I'm lying, or something?'
'I just needed to ask.'
'Well, now you know.'
Julia sat down on the edge of the bed and stared absently at some pots on the dressing table. 'Why haven't you returned any of my calls?' she asked.
'I've been busy.'
'Too busy to come to your own father's funeral?'
Pam sighed heavily. 'Frankly, as far as I'm concerned, he died twenty-five years ago,' she responded, 'so there seemed little point in putting myself to the bother of burying him now.'
Julia was shocked by the callousness, and genuinely perplexed. 'Don't you want to know anything about him?' she asked. 'Like where he's been all this time, what he's been doing, how he died.'
Pam's tone was still loaded with impatience as she answered, which made her sound exactly like their mother. 'I know everything I need to know, thank you very much.'
'And what would that be, exactly?'
'Don't be obtuse.'
Julia could feel herself becoming strangely hot. 'Aren't you at all sad that he's gone?' she asked. 'That there's no chance of ever seeing him again now?'
Pam's scoff was like a slap. 'Good riddance, is what I say,' she retorted. 'It's what you should be saying too.'
'But why?' Even as she asked the question she realised Pam was likely to blurt out the very words she never wanted to hear, and already she was preparing to hang up.
'Julia, you can't go on seeing him through
rose-coloured glasses,' Pam said sharply. 'Though I suppose now he's left everything to you, you'll want to. Just thank God he didn't leave any of it to me, is all I can say. I wouldn't have wanted it...'
'But what about Rachel? I'd like to give her the money he left...'
'No, thank you. You can keep it.' Julia was stunned by the refusal, particularly when Pam didn't even know how much it was. 'Pam, tell me what he did to you,' she said quietly. 'He must have done something, so please, tell me what it was.'
'Oh no,' Pam responded with an acid laugh, 'you're not dragging me into one of your games, where I tell you and you refuse to believe me, and we end up having an almighty row.'
'When did that ever happen?' Julia asked. 'We've never discussed it. You always ...'
'It's the way you operate,' Pam cut in. 'You never could believe anything bad about him. You were always his little princess, his favourite, the one he took everywhere and gave everything to, well I'm surprised the very thought of it doesn't make you want to vomit now. And as for him having pictures of Shannon and Daniel, let's just be thankful he's dead, shall we, and leave it at that.'
Realising her mother must have passed on the information about the photos, Julia stood up and walked over to the window, where a snapshot of her father and Gwen nestled cosily inside a handmade frame. She picked it up and gazed down into his gentle grey'blue eyes, trying to see in him the
monster implied in Pam's words, but she felt no sense of fear, no revulsion, nothing at all that could connect him to the man Pam was describing.
'Before you go,' she said to Pam, 'what colour car do you drive?'
'What?'
Julia wait
ed.
'It's a green Audi. Why?'
'How long have you had it?'
'Terry and I aren't as well off as you and Josh ...'
'How long?'
'About six years, why?'
'Is it your only car?'
'What is this?'
'Nothing. I'll let you get back to whatever you were doing now. Sorry to have taken up your time.'
After ringing off she returned to the bed and sat down heavily. She was trying to reach into the darkness beyond her memories, seeking a place where all the bad things lurked, and all the pain was stored, but she could find no way through. Had she blocked whatever had happened so completely that nothing could release it? Had it been trodden, compacted, buried like a corpse for all these years? But even a corpse couldn't vanish completely, there was always something there to exhume, a tangible fragment, a scrap of reality, that would prove it had once existed. She considered the analogy and was unnerved by its similarity to the quip Gwen's cousin had repeated at the funeral, about her father telling him where the bodies were buried. Was her mind merely echoing Albie's words, or was some horrific memory stirring in her
deepest subconscious? With a shivering apprehension she thought of the way she'd been with Josh this past year. Was that proof she was hiding something from herself? Was her sudden coldness when making love the sign of a damaged and unhealed mind, and even body?
Looking down as the phone rang in her hand she clicked on without thinking and said, 'Hello?'
'Hi, its Fen. Have you managed to speak to your sister yet?'
'Yes. Just. It wasn't her who came to see him.' 'Did she have any idea who it might have been?'
'I don't think so.' 'You sound upset.' 'A bit. It wasn't a pleasant call.' 'What are you doing now?' 'I was about to start sorting through the boxes in the attic.' She glanced up at the open trap door and felt a reluctance to go up there now. 'I keep thinking I'll lift a lid and a flurry of memories will come out to tell me everything I need to know,' she said, but I only want to see them if they're going to make everything all right again.'
There was a smile in Fen's voice as she said, 'There's always a chance they will.'