The Mill House

by Susan Lewis

her breath still ragged, and her body weak from having been unlocked so suddenly and exquisitely. How had she managed this with him, when she couldn't with Josh? It made no sense, but for the moment it was enough that it had happened at all, there would be time later for the guilt and confusion.

  The phone was ringing again, but she just went on holding him. Whoever it was could wait, because she wanted to lie here like this for a very long time, letting the dying throes of her climax pulse around him, as his mouth sought hers and kissed her so deeply and tenderly it brought tears to her eyes.

  At last he rolled over onto his side and propped his head on one arm to gaze down at her. She smiled at his look of uncertainty, and reached up to touch his mouth.

  He kissed her fingers and said, 'I want to make love to you since the first time I see you.'

  Her heart responded to the pleasure of his words and she felt such an affection for him that she brought his mouth back to hers to kiss him.

  'You look at me with your beautiful eyes,' he said, touching his fingers gently to her nipples, 'and then you stand there with your T-shirt and I can see you in a way that makes me want you so much. I want to kiss you and make your sadness go away.'

  She frowned in surprise. 'My sadness?' Then she smiled as she realised he meant her father, and because of the last few minutes, she said, 'I think you've done that.'

  He continued to gaze down at her, as though

  drinking in every part of her, wanting to absorb himself in these moments, which was how she felt too, though she knew she should get dressed now and start trying to come to terms with what she'd done.

  'I will do anything you want me to,' he said gruffly.

  She regarded him curiously, not sure what he meant.

  'I wish you to be mine, but I know this is not possible,' he explained. 'So if you want that I am your lover, or that I go away and never see you again...'

  'Ssh,' she said, pressing her finger to his lips. 'This was wonderful, beautiful ...' Her eyes fluttered closed as he lowered his mouth to cover her words.

  By the time he raised his head again they were both ready for more, and though her conscience was stirring, she made no protest as he rolled onto her, for if she could have one more climax, just one, to prove it wasn't a fluke ...

  Though he wasn't as well endowed as Josh, and his physique was much slighter, he still felt good as he entered her, as did the rawness of his skill. Everything about him was different to Josh, in a way that made what they were doing feel unencumbered by intimacy and need, and she wondered if that was why she was able to let go. She had no fear of Rico leaving her, no dread of abandonment that prevented her from being able to trust.

  As he started to move in and out of her she gave herself willingly to the mounting sensations,

  moaning and closing her eyes, then opening them again and watching his face.

  'Already you are mine. Rest with your dream a inside my dream,' he whispered softly.

  She smiled.

  'You know Pablo Neruda?' he asked.

  She shook her head.

  'I know no more in English,' he confessed.

  'Tell me in Italian.'

  'I know it in Spanish.'

  As he started to recite, she lifted her hands to his face and pushed her fingers into his hair. He moved with the gentle rhythm of the words, watching her and filling her with their emotion. She wanted to understand them, but the sound of his voice, and the feel of his body, were enough. Then the poem ended and his mouth returned to hers.

  Very soon she could feel herself becoming lost in the power of his movements. They were taking her relentlessly towards where she longed to go. It felt so sublime that she didn't want him to hurry, she wanted him to take her slowly, tantalisingly and with the same excruciating intensity that Josh could create as he carried her from one orgasm to the next, and to the next, never coming himself, always staying hard, never letting go until she could take no more ... She wanted that now. She wanted Josh, who knew her body even better than she knew it herself ...

  She opened her eyes and looked up at Rico's face.

  'Is this OK?' he asked.

  She nodded, because it was, and she wouldn't

  stop him, even though he was the wrong man. It made her wonder how Josh felt when he looked at Sylvia. Was she the wrong woman? But he kept going back for more, so did he make love to her as knowledgeably and skilfully as he did to his wife? Had Sylvia experienced the full power of his technique, the way he could tease a woman to madness, whilst taking her to oblivion? Had he allowed Sylvia to know the unsurpassable rapture he had given so readily and so often to his wife?

  She moaned softly and let her head fall to one side. She needed to believe that he had no desire to understand Sylvia's body the way he did hers, that he used Sylvia only for sex and a quick, ultimate release, as she was doing now with Rico. She wanted to think of making love with Josh tomorrow night, of how they might finally end their physical estrangement. Hope and excitement stirred in her heart, and as she looked at the open door she was barely aware of who she was with now, for in her mind it was Josh, and that was all that mattered.

  Then suddenly to her horror she realised she was looking at Shannon. 'Oh my God!' she gasped, shoving Rico aside and grabbing for her clothes. 'Shannon, wait, don't go,' but Shannon was already turning away.

  Rico leapt up, but by the time he'd dressed Julia was in her clothes and racing downstairs.

  'Shannon!' she shouted. 'Shannon, wait,' but as she dashed outside there was no sign of her.

  Assuming she'd run back through the woods Julia started in that direction, hearing Rico running behind her.

  'Go the other way,' she shouted. 'She might have gone towards the village.'

  She ran on, dashing through the trees, plunging from sunlight to shadow, over the stream, through a broken fence, around a hollow, until minutes later she was behind the Bowers' house. She paused, looked around, then spotted Shannon disappearing into the stables.

  'No!' she screamed. 'Shannon, no.'

  She'd barely covered half the distance before Shannon rode out on one of the mares, no saddle, only reins and nowhere near enough experience to handle her.

  'Shannon! Please!' Julia cried.

  But Shannon was wheeling the horse round, struggling to stay on and spurring her towards another part of the woods.

  Julia charged after her. There was no way she could keep up, but she had to try. She could hear the mare's hooves thudding into the ground, the beat of terror in her ears. She could see the branch that would knock her daughter senseless or worse, the pothole that would bring the horse down and crush her.

  'Shannon. Shannon,' she gasped, stumbling on.

  She couldn't see her now, she'd been swallowed up by the trees, sucked deeper and deeper into a danger she was too shocked, too traumatised to see.

  'Please God, please,' Julia begged, tears streaming down her cheeks. She pressed on, hardly aware of the branches ripping at her clothes and skin, or the mud and brambles underfoot. She reached a clearing, stopped and spun round.

  Which way? She tried to listen, but could only hear the pounding of her heart.

  'Shannon!' she cried. 'Shannon!'

  Had she already fallen? Was she lying somewhere, dazed and broken, or, heaven help her lifeless? 'Shannon, please!'

  She thought of Josh, and what he would do if he ever found out about this ... She couldn't let the fear of it go any further, she just had to find Shannon.

  Seeing a pathway she ran to it, calling Shannon's name over and over, but there was no reply.

  'Please God, please,' she sobbed, stumbling on a twisted root.

  She forced herself on, scratched and bleeding, twisting and turning, colliding with branches and slipping in the mire. She wrenched an ankle, but limped on, wincing with pain, still calling, still pleading. 'Shannon, come back. Shannon please.'

  Finally she emerged from the woods to find herself on the bank of a stream. Fields rose up in front of her,
wide and empty - no rider, no horse, no sign of life. She dropped to her knees, lungs burning, nightmare descending. She didn't know what to do, she'd lost all power in her body, all reason in her mind. She tried to catch her breath. Her chest was on fire. Her limbs shook uncontrollably. She felt the trickle of semen on her leg and wanted only to die.

  Then she heard a horse whinny.

  She looked up and listened. Everything was still. Only the bubble of the brook, and ragged gasps of her breath. She peered back into the trees, and on along the path to where it descended out of

  sight. Quickly she staggered towards it. Please God, let her be there. Please. Please.

  She reached the hollow, looked down and her heart turned inside out. There was the horse, but no sign of Shannon. She clasped her hands to her face and tried not to panic. Oh God, no. Please, please no.

  She stumbled towards the horse and grabbed the reins.

  'Where is she?' she begged. 'Please show me where she is.'

  The horse sidestepped and nickered. Julia watched her eyes but they told her nothing. She was crazy to think they would. Dropping the reins, she looked along the stream and back into the woods. Her eyes probed every nook and shadow, every bush and branch. There could be no fear greater than this, no dread more intense, no conscience more unforgiving. She stared out at the emptiness of the fields and felt an emptiness that was far greater, and much less benign. Where was her girl? Somewhere beneath this grey-blue sky her child was alone, frightened, angry, confused - or injured, or worse. She had to find her. Nothing could ever matter more.

  And then she saw her, sitting against a tree, her face turned to its trunk.

  'Shannon,' she gasped, and felt the relief so profoundly that it heaved in her stomach, and turning aside she put a hand to her throat as she retched. 'Shannon,' she said again, as she wiped her mouth. 'Darling, are you all right?'

  Shannon put out a hand to block her. 'Go away!' she seethed, keeping her face hidden.

  'But darling, are you...' 'I said go away!' She turned round and her lovely young face was ravaged with hate and tears and so much pain it almost broke Julia's heart. 'Don't come near me,' she spat. 'I hate you. I hate

  you.'

  'Darling, I understand how you're feeling ...' Shannon covered her face with her hands and let out a scream of rage. 'I don't want to look at you I never want to see you again.' 'Shannon, please let me try to explain ...' 'Nooooo! I don't want you to. I hate you. You took him away from me. He was mine! Mine!'

  'Darling, it's not how you're seeing it. It wasn't meant to hurt you ...'

  'How could you?' Shannon shrieked, pushing her face up. 'You're my mother. My mother! You're so disgusting ...' 'Please listen .. .'

  'What about Daddy? How could you do it to him?'

  'It wasn't like that. It...' 'I want Dad!' Shannon sobbed. 'I want to go home and be with Daddy.' 'Listen, we have to talk ...' 'No! I never want to talk to you again. I just want Dad. He loves me! Not like you. You hate me, but I don't care. I hate you.' 'Shannon, you know I love you.' 'No I don't, just go away and leave me alone.' 'I can't leave you here, so let me take you back ...'

  'No, I'm going home to Dad. I don't want to be

  with you.'

  'All right. Whatever you say. Just let's take the horse back now.'

  After a while Shannon started to get up, but as Julia made to help her she violently recoiled. 'Don't touch me!' she snarled.

  Julia stepped back. 'I'll get the horse,' she said, feeling more guilt and wretchedness than she'd ever known in her life - and so much fear of the future now that her mind was going blank rather than think of it.

  They walked back through the woods in silence, Julia one side of the horse, Shannon the other. Julia was praying that Rico wouldn't come along, trying to find them, for his presence now would be too much for Shannon to bear. But he didn't, and after leaving the horse in the stables, they started in silence back to the mill.

  Julia was thinking of Josh now and how he was going to take this, and as her heart folded around the dread of it, she wanted to bury herself under a mountain of denial, but all she found was layer upon layer of bitter recrimination. How could she have been such a fool? What had she thought it would achieve, beyond the kind of nightmare she was in now? A momentary madness allowed her to think that she could keep it from him, but it was soon gone, because she couldn't ask Shannon to share such a secret, any more than she could expect her forgiveness. She would have to tell Josh herself. She'd drive Shannon back to London today, and confess what had happened, then God only knew what he would do. The fact that she'd made love with another man would be bad enough, that she'd allowed Shannon to see it

  would be so intolerable that she knew already he would never forgive her.

  The next hour passed like a slow-motion nightmare. Shannon still refused to talk, except to tell Julia that there was no way she was travelling back to London with her, she wanted to go on the train and take the tube at the other end. Julia tried to argue, but Shannon went into her room and slammed the door. Seconds later her music went on to drown out anything else Julia might say.

  Never having felt so helpless, Julia took herself into the bathroom to shower, keeping the door locked in case Shannon came in. The last thing she'd want now was to see her mother naked, it would be too horrendous a reminder.

  When she came out she heard Shannon talking to someone on the phone and immediately froze, in case it was Josh. She stood where she was, listening, but it soon became clear she was talking to Ottie, letting her know that she wouldn't be going to the supermarket, or cooking dinner tonight because something had come up and she had to go back to London.

  Despising herself, and steeped in guilt, Julia slipped upstairs to dress, then came down again a few minutes later to find Shannon in the kitchen looking through the Yellow Pages.

  'What are you doing?' Julia asked.

  'I need a taxi to take me to the station.'

  'I'll take you.'

  'I'm not going anywhere with you.'

  'Shannon, please.'

  Shannon picked up the phone and started to dial.

  Julia pressed down the connectors and took the receiver. 'Don't leave like this,' she said softly.

  Shannon turned abruptly away, and started to pick up her luggage. 'I want Dad,' she said coldly.

  Wishing she knew how to handle this, Julia tried to take her bags, but was only pushed aside. 'You can't walk to the station,' she said. 'It's too far.'

  'It's none of your business what I do.'

  'Put it in the car and I'll drive you,' Julia said. 'Do you have any money for a ticket?'

  Shannon didn't answer, merely walked outside to the car and dumped her bags in the boot.

  All the way to the station she remained plugged into her iPod, while Julia tried desperately to find a way to explain what she'd done, even though she knew that in Shannon's eyes no excuse in the world would ever be good enough. She hadn't only betrayed Shannon, she'd betrayed her beloved father too.

  When they finally got out of the car Shannon waited while Julia bought a ticket, then refusing to allow Julia to help her over to the platform, she picked up her bags and struggled up the steps to cross the footbridge. Julia stayed where she was, watching as she descended onto the opposite platform and feeling such an ache in her heart that it surpassed any kind of pain she'd known before. She'd done this to her daughter, she was the one who'd devastated her dream and cast her adrift in a cold, harsh world of loneliness, confusion, anger and hate.

  As they waited, Shannon wouldn't look across,

  though she would know Julia was still there. Julia could see the paleness of her face, and stiffness of her body, just as she could feel the anguish in her heart Then at last the train came, blocking them from each other's view, until a few minutes later Julia saw her enter a carriage, then set down her luggage before choosing a seat. She sat the other side of the train and turned her head away. When the train pulled out of the station, Julia lifted a
hand to wave, but Shannon wasn't looking. Then she was left facing an empty platform and as she stared at it, she knew she'd never been so afraid of losing those she loved.

  As she drove back to the house she felt numb. It was strange, even unsettling, to realise that she was still in the same day she'd been in a mere two hours ago, the same world even, for it was all so different now and she had no idea how she was going to continue - except as soon as she got back she knew she'd have to call Josh. She tried over and over to form the words in her mind, to find the right way to break this to him, but the mere thought of it filled her with so much dread that she had to pull over because she thought she was going to be sick. In the end she wasn't, so she drove on, her heart pounding, her eyes stinging, almost as though she had thrown up. She kept picturing Shannon sitting alone in that carriage, trying to hold herself together as she broke apart inside, and as the tears coursed down Julia's cheeks, blinding her, she knew she had never felt so connected to her daughter's pain.

  Thankfully there was no-one around as she

  drove past the Bowers' house, nor when she reached her own. She hoped Rico would stay away because she truly couldn't face him now.

  After dabbing her face in cold water, she went to stand beside the phone, but it was a long time before she could make herself pick it up. She was going to push Josh straight into Sylvia's arms now, and she knew it, but as devastated as she was by that, and as hard as she was still fighting it, she couldn't think about herself when Shannon was all that mattered. So, finally, afraid that Shannon might already have called him from the train, she forced herself to dial his number.

  'He's not here,' Marina answered. 'He's at home.'

  Julia frowned, but not wanting to get into anything with Marina, she thanked her, rang off and dialled again.

  'Josh? What are you doing at home?' she asked when he answered.

  'Where the hell have you been?' he replied sharply. 'We've been trying to get hold of you.'

  She felt a thud of alarm as her mind went instantly to Dan. 'Is everything all right?' she demanded.

  'No, it's not. Dan had an attack...'

  'Where is he?' she cried. 'Is he OK?'