The Mill House

by Susan Lewis

  She nodded, and wished the world would just swallow her up for how bad that made her feel.

  'And it will cause problems for your marriage if you keep it?' 'Yes,' she said, in barely more than a whisper. He fixed her with his kind eyes and said, 'So how far along do you estimate yourself to be?' 'Five to six weeks.'

  'Then you've still some time to make a decision. Would it help for me to talk you through the

  procedure, what actually happens, how long it would take, the type of anaesthetic we recommend?'

  She took a breath but no words came out.

  He smiled. 'OK. Tell me, have you spoken to your GP yet? Has he examined you at all?'

  'No. He's in London. I - uh ... I used one of the tests from a pharmacy. Do you think there's a chance it could be wrong?'

  His expression was regretful. 'Unlikely, I'm afraid,' he said. 'Have you had any symptoms?'

  'Some nausea. Tiredness, but I've been going through a difficult time lately. My father died, and things haven't been great with my husband ...' Realising she was trying to talk herself out of her condition, she stopped and let her eyes fall away.

  He started to get up. 'Maybe we should take a look at you,' he said. 'If you've been a little run-down anyway, and grieving, it could affect your periods. Do you know the date of your last one?'

  'Not exactly, but it was about two months ago, I think.' Meaning that she'd have been ovulating at the time she was with Rico, and now she could hardly believe she hadn't given it a moment's thought. What the hell was the matter with her, just how blind and selfish could she be?

  'The examination room's through there,' he said, pointing at a door behind his desk. 'If you want to pop in and get undressed, you'll find a very glamorous paper gown on the end of the bed, all fresh and exclusively yours, and I'll ask the nurse to come and join us.'

  A few minutes later Julia was lying on a lightly padded examination couch, feeling so tense and

  anxious again that she dreaded the very thought of anything probing inside her. Not even Edmund Harris's avuncular manner was helping her to relax now, or the nurse who'd given her a big, friendly smile when she'd come into the room. Now the nurse was standing the other side of the couch, watching the doctor as he sat down on a wheeled stool and started to press his fingers gently over Julia's abdomen.

  'Mmm,' he said in a doctorly way. He frowned, pressed again and said, 'I see.'

  Julia looked at him, waiting for him to tell her what he saw, but he merely turned away, and scooted his stool a few inches towards the scanner. 'I think we'll forgo the pelvic exam,' he said, busying himself with the controls. 'I expect you'll be happy to hear that, not many women enjoy the speculum.'

  Julia glanced at the nurse.

  'The cold, unforgiving metal thing,' the nurse explained, reaching across to take something from the doctor.

  Julia watched as the nurse coated her belly in a thick, cold gel.

  'OK,' Edmund Harris said when she'd finished. 'We're going to carry out an ultrasound, which, as you probably know, won't hurt a bit.'

  Nevertheless, Julia braced herself and turned away, for she knew, if she were to take just one look at the image of her unborn child, she'd never be able to destroy it.

  The roller was smooth on her skin, sliding over the gel and almost skidding off the other side. She was aware of both the doctor and nurse watching

  the screen, and felt so wretched about refusing to look that she almost started to cry.

  Edmund Harris glanced up at the nurse, then back to the screen. 'Mmm,' he said again.

  Julia was starting to feel alarmed. 'Is it all right?' she asked, still trying not to look.

  'Oh yes, it's all right,' he replied. 'Very healthy I would say, but I have to tell you, Mrs Thayne, you're much further along than five or six weeks. In fact, the baby I'm seeing here is much closer to fifteen.'

  Julia turned to look at him, then at the screen. 'But it can't be,' she protested. 'It's just not possible. My husband and I ... We haven't ...' Tears were welling up in her eyes and strangling her voice. There had to be a mistake, something was wrong ...

  'The size and weight leave no room for doubt,' Edmund Harris told her. 'It's still within the legal limit of course, but. . .'

  'No! I can't have a termination,' she cried.

  There was no surprise in Harris's tone as he said, 'I rather thought that might change the picture.'

  'If I'm fifteen weeks,' she said, still unable to take it in, 'then I...' A wave of emotion stole her voice. 'I know it's possible to get pregnant without a man reaching climax,' she finally managed, 'but it never ... I just assumed ...' She couldn't go on, because if this baby was Josh's it changed everything, and she was crying too hard now to speak anyway.

  The nurse passed her a Kleenex, while Harris pressed a button to print out an image of the foetus.

  'I can't tell you,' Julia gasped, wiping her eyes, 'how happy this makes me. Thank you. Thank you so much.'

  Harris laughed. 'I think you managed it without me,' he said dryly.

  Julia desperately wanted to hug him, but knew it wouldn't be appropriate, so somehow managed not to. The nurse helped her to sit up, and as she swung her legs off the couch she put her hands over her belly and felt so much love and relief welling up in her that she almost started to cry again. Why hadn't she realised sooner? How could she not have known? Fifteen weeks was a long time, but she'd assumed her stomach was filling out because she was eating so much - and then she'd lost weight, but her stomach hadn't gone down, so she should have known. She'd had a period though, she was certain of it, however, it was hard to remember now, so much had happened, so maybe she hadn't. All she knew was that she'd had her coil removed back in May because it was giving her problems, and with the way things were, they hadn't needed the protection. But what did any of it matter now? The fact was, her pregnancy was fifteen weeks along, and even though she and Josh hadn't planned any more, considering the circumstances this little one surely had to be more welcome than the other two put together, and God knew they'd been wanted ...

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  'I still don't know how to break it to him,' Julia was saying half an hour later as Fen drove them around the horse chestnut and over the cattle grid. 'Maybe I should go straight back to London. Or should I call him? I'd rather do it face to face, but I can't bear the idea of him going through this for a minute longer.'

  Fen was smiling as she speeded up again to proceed down the drive.

  'Oh God,' Julia groaned as a shudder of nerves chased through her. 'I hope he's going to be pleased. I mean, he's bound to be, isn't he? This should make everything all right again. Yes, of course it will. What am I so worried about? We might not actually have planned another baby, but it's here now, and once we get used to the idea ... I think the children will be thrilled. Well, Dan will. I'm not sure about Shannon. Teenagers can be a bit strange about their mothers getting pregnant, can't they? We're not supposed to have sex.'

  Fen's eyebrows arched. 'If you'll forgive me for saying, I don't think Shannon ...'

  'Oh God, don't say it!' Julia put her hands over her face. 'I want to forget that ever happened.'

  'I imagine she does too, and frankly, Mummy pregnant with Daddy's baby will probably help, because it'll mean Mummy's been playing on her home ground, where she belongs. Much easier to deal with.'

  Julia looked down at the black and white printout of the world's most precious little foetus. 'I should have asked what sex it is,' she said. 'Do you think they can tell yet?'

  'I'm not sure. Do you want to know?'

  Julia thought about that. 'Only if Josh does,' she answered, and waved out to Fen's mother who was clearing leaves from the lawn. For one ridiculous moment she wanted to leap out and hug her, but managed to refrain. 'It's a perfect winter's day, isn't it?' she declared, deciding to take it as a good omen. "The sun's out, there's hardly a cloud in the sky and everything smells so wonderfully smoky and . . . Christmassy.'

  Fen g
lanced over at her, and, still smiling, accelerated gently down into the woods, where misty bands of sunlight poured down through the trees to fan out over the stream. 'I hope you'll consider spending Christmas here,' she said, as they bumped along the track.

  'Oh, I will,' Julia assured her, 'consider it, I mean. I'd absolutely love to, but right now everything's up to Josh.' She looked down at the rippling reflections on the water and felt another surge of relief mixed with unease. 'You know, I'm going to

  tell him the instant I get in,' she said, 'because I just can't bear to think of what he's going through.'

  A couple of minutes later Fen's voice lilted with irony as she said, 'I think that's a wise decision, and by the look of it, you won't need the phone.'

  Julia glanced at her in confusion, then following her eyes to the glade outside the mill her heart did an almighty somersault. 'Oh my God,' she murmured, seeing Josh standing next to a large silver Mercedes, talking to Shannon, who was taking things out of the boot. 'Fen, he's here!'

  Fen laughed, and Julia's insides plunged into free fall as, hearing a car approach, Josh and Shannon both turned round.

  Almost before Fen had a chance to stop Dan came bursting out of the house and thundering down the steps, shouting, 'Mum! Mum! Look, we're here! Is it a surprise?'

  'Yes, it's a surprise,' she laughed, catching him as he hurled himself into her arms. 'Oh my darling, let me look at you,' she cried, tilting his face up. 'You're so handsome and gorgeous and I want to eat you all up.'

  'Dad hired a Mercedes so we could all fit in.' Dan informed her. 'He let me choose it.'

  'It's wonderful,' Julia assured him, feeling Josh's eyes on her, but unable for the moment to look at him.

  Dan was still chattering,'... and Dad said that you and Shannon have to talk about girl things and stuff, so he's going to take me to the Eden Project, and then later he said we can go to a pub or do anything we like.' He spun round to Josh. 'Can we go now, Dad? Shall I get in the car?'

  Julia looked at Josh, and seeing how drawn and tired he seemed, her heart twisted with the need to go to him now and tell him the good news.

  'Go on then,' Josh responded, turning to greet Fen. He hugged her politely, and even managed a smile, but his pain was too close to the surface for him to hide it well. 'I promised to bring them,' he said to Julia, barely glancing at her. 'They needed to see you.'

  She tried to connect with his eyes, but he turned away, looking for Shannon. Finding her behind him, he stepped aside to clear the path between her and Julia.

  Then, as Julia looked at her daughter, whom she hadn't seen for over five weeks, she felt more emotions than she could ever express. How had she managed to go this long without her? It seemed inconceivable now, beyond enduring, for there had been a whole part of her missing, which she only realised as she gazed into Shannon's anxious blue eyes. 'Come here,' she said softly, and as she held out her arms Shannon ran into them and started to cry.

  'Sssh, sssh,' Julia soothed, tears welling in her own eyes too, 'everything's going to be all right.'

  'I'm sorry I ran away from you that day, and that I wouldn't let you come home,' Shannon sobbed. 'I want you to come now, please come now ...'

  'I will, and you've got nothing to apologise for,' Julia told her. 'You're not to blame for anything.' Then, tightening her embrace, 'God, I've missed you.'

  'I've missed you too. It's not the same without

  you. Dad's always miserable, and I don't have anyone to talk to. Please Mum, say you'll come home. Please.'

  Julia held her face between her hands and gazed down into her lovely, teary eyes. 'Of course I will,' she said softly.

  Shannon clasped her arms around her again. 'Dad's taking Dan to the Eden Project so we can be on our own,' she said. 'I've got such a lot to tell you. So much has happened at school, with my friends and everything ...'

  'I want to hear all about it,' Julia assured her, 'but just give me a moment with Dad before he goes, will you?'

  Shannon drew back and wiped away her tears.

  Julia looked at Josh, and, half-afraid he might resist her, she walked quickly over to where he was standing. Keeping her voice low so no-one else could hear, she said, 'I've just come from a doctor. I'm fifteen weeks along.'

  His frown deepened, then deepened again as he took in what she was saying, but before he had a chance to respond Dan yelled, 'Come on, Dad! We'll miss it.'

  Josh looked impossibly torn, and realising he was about to tell Dan the plans had changed, Julia said, 'Take him. We can talk later,' and after brushing a kiss to his cheek she turned back to Shannon.

  As Josh got into the car his expression was showing none of the relief or pleasure she might have hoped for, if anything his mood seemed blacker than ever, but she reminded herself that the news had barely had a chance to register yet. Once it had, everything would be fine.

  'Is Ottie home?' Shannon asked Fen as Josh and Dan drove away.

  'She most certainly is,' Fen replied, 'I'm about to go riding with her, but we won't be long, so come on over whenever you're ready,' and with a quick wink in Julia's direction she got back into the car.

  'So it looks like it's just you and me,' Julia said, smiling down into Shannon's upturned face. 'Do you want to go inside, or, it's a nice day, we can go for a walk?'

  Shannon tilted her head as she thought. 'Walk,' she decided. 'Unless it gets too cold, but then we can always come back.'

  A few minutes later, after wrapping up in puffa coats and Ugg boots, they strolled arm in arm around to the back of the house, and across the field to a stile in the giant hawthorn hedge that marked one of the boundaries between their land and the Bowers'. 'So what's all this you've got to tell me?' Julia asked, as they climbed over and began to wander along a wide muddy path towards the Bowers' orchard. 'I'm all ears.'

  'Oh Mum, you will just die,' Shannon told her, as though no time at all had elapsed since they were last together. 'Gilly's managed to get us tickets to a Robbie Williams concert, and her uncle, who's a musician, or a technician or something, says he can get us in backstage to meet him. Just think. Mum, I'm going to meet Robbie Williams. Everyone is going to be like, so freaked out and jealous, but I don't care. They've all been so mean to me anyway, and they were horrible to Gilly when she had to drop out of the drama group, but

  it wasn't her fault, and anyway, it serves them right that she's not taking them to Robbie's concert. You won't tell Dad though, will you, because if he knows I'm actually going to meet him, you know what he's like, he'll probably say I can't go.'

  Julia was laughing. 'I don't think Dad will have too much of a problem with that,' she said, 'and actually, it's about time he came into the real world where you and the male species are concerned.'

  'That's what I keep telling him,' Shannon cried, 'but he won't listen. I mean, I really love him and everything, but sometimes he makes me so mad. It's like he's in the Dark Ages. Anyway, I told him the other day that if he shows me up in front of my friends again I'll leave home. I don't mean it, but honestly Mum, you should have heard him. It was sooo embarrassing. The thing is, I think he's really stressed about you not being there, and Grandma Emma is driving us all nuts. She's very sweet and everything, but she can be a real pain too ...'

  As she rambled on and on, getting everything off her chest, from complaints about her father and grandmother, to a detailed description of the new clothes she'd bought, to a baffling explanation of her friends' boyfriend problems, Julia smiled and listened and gazed around at the spectacular scenery that was unfolding in front of them. Her thoughts kept moving to Josh and what he might be doing now, how he was feeling and what would happen when he got back. She hadn't felt such a thrill of apprehension since she was Shannon's age, but it really should be all right now, shouldn't it? The fact that Rico had ever been in the picture

  surely wasn't going to make a difference to how Josh felt about his own child.

  'So it sounds as though you're pretty much on top of things,' sh
e said, as they came to a stop at the brink of the hill and waved to Fen and Ottie who were galloping through the valley below.

  'Oh yeah, I'm cool,' Shannon assured her. 'But I really, really want you to come home. It's just not the same without you. And I've got this secret that I can only tell you. Well, like, Gilly knows, but I have to tell you too.'

  Julia's eyebrows went up. 'Come on then?' she prompted, already suspecting what it was from the way Shannon's eyes were shining.

  'Well, there's this boy,' Shannon began, turning pink. 'I met him at Dad's gym. Dad doesn't know, because I was there with Gilly and her mum, but he's really nice, Mum. I mean, like he's really fit, and clever and things, and I think he likes me.'

  Julia's eyes were sparkling as she said, 'So what's his name?'

  'Hugh - and before you ask, he's sixteen, which is like, not too old for me, is it?'

  'Absolutely not,' Julia confirmed. 'Have you been on a date yet?'

  Shannon's blush deepened. 'Sort of,' she answered, peering out from under her lashes. 'I mean, we've like met at the gym, you know, when we arranged to be there, and we've texted a few times.'

  'Then it all sounds fine to me. I'll look forward to meeting him.'

  'Oh, you're the best,' Shannon cried, jumping up and down and throwing her arms around her.

  'I knew you'd be cool about it. I just knew it, and I need you to tell me what to say when I text him and things, so I don't seem too keen, because that really puts boys off, doesn't it?'

  Smiling, Julia hugged her back, and resting a cheek on her head she said, 'I'm happy to talk about Hugh as long as you like, but we're avoiding what happened before you left, darling. Do you want to discuss it, or not yet?'

  As Shannon drew back her embarrassment was evident. 'It's all, like, in the past now,' she said, looking away.

  'OK,' Julia responded, aware that it wasn't, but knowing better than to force it. 'Just as long as you understand that it wasn't done to hurt you - or Dad.'

  Shannon nodded, and kept her eyes averted.

  Julia waited, understanding that she wasn't quite ready to let it go after all.