IMPULSE: Companion to The PULSE Series

by Deborah Bladon

  Regret. It's there washing over her like a tidal wave. It's not just about the fact that she wishes she would have kept her child. It's more than that. It's about the family we could have already been.

  "If I had her with me when we met, you would have loved her too, wouldn’t you?"

  I can't lie to her. I promised her that when we first met. "Yes, Jessica. I would have loved her too."

  She's back on her feet. I don't stop her as she races down the hallway, slamming the washroom door behind her.

  Chapter 20

  "I'd like to see the contract." I stand next to the bed. I'd gone to work in my home office while she was in the washroom. I know when Jessica needs space. I give it to her. I can't take that away from her.

  She doesn't turn to look at me. "I have it somewhere. I guess I can find it."

  "It's important." My leg twitches. I want to climb into the bed next to her. I want to wrap my arms and legs around her. I want to pull her into my chest and never let her go.

  She flips over in one easy movement. "Why is it important?"

  I'm not going to give her any false hope. Naturally, my mind jumped to the validity of the agreement. I need to know if she gave up all of her parental rights. I need to know if the contract she signed is legal and binding. I need to know if that little girl who is a part of the woman I love is happy in the home she's living in.

  "Nathan, tell me why you need to see it."

  "I'm a lawyer, Jessica." I slide under the sheet. "I have to look it over."

  I see the defeat in her eyes. She was looking for something more. She has to know that even if there's a loophole that deems the agreement null and void that ripping a six-year-old child away from her family has far reaching consequences.

  "I'll look for it tomorrow." She turns back around. "I haven't looked at it since I signed it."

  I nod as I hold tightly to her body. "Thank you, Jessica."

  "For what?" She cranes her neck to the side. "Why are you thanking me?"

  "Thank you," I begin as I tap my hand against her chest. "Thank you for finally letting me in here."

  ***

  "Pam," I say her name as if we've been friends for years. Based on the hug she gave me when she came barreling into my office earlier, it feels like we've known each other for a lifetime. "I'm very close to a settlement now."

  "My grandfather would be happy." She clasps her hands together in her lap.

  "He was a great guy," I offer. Since Mr. Wilkinson had died, I'd been fighting with Anthony Mercado's counsel to come to an agreement. I was glad for the distraction. Jessica had thrown herself full force back into her school work and her job at Axel NY. I knew that it was a coping tool. She was trying to drown out the knowledge that she's never had a relationship with her daughter. We've only spoken briefly about it once since that night. She explained in pained detail that her mother is constantly reminding her of how she stole her only grandchild away from her. Now, the emotional distance that I saw when I was in Bloomfield makes perfect sense.

  "He spoke very highly of you, Mr. Moore."

  "It's Nate," I offer. I don't want anyone to call me Nathan but Jessica. I love the way my name sounds when she says it. It fuels a part of me that I never knew existed until I met her. "That's hard to imagine, "I chuckle. "He never seemed very impressed with me."

  "Really?" There's genuine surprise in the question. "He talked about you a lot. He said your work ethic is amazing."

  I'm beginning to wonder if she doesn't understand the meaning of sarcasm. I can picture Mr. Wilkinson having dinner with his granddaughters as he grumbles on about what a great guy I am, all the while seething because I ignored all twenty five of his phone calls that day. "He was pretty amazing himself."

  "I couldn't have asked for a better grandfather." She smiles softly. "He always said that he was specially chosen to be my granddad."

  "That's lovely," I grin. "I'm hoping one day I can be the type of grandfather he was."

  "He practically adopted me and my sister after our mother died."

  "Your mother died?"

  "When I was young," she says in a muted tone. "It was an overdose. It was accidental they said."

  I don't know how to respond other than with what's expected. "I'm sorry."

  "Granddad wasted no time taking us in." She folds her left hand over the right in her lap. "It was an easy transition for us. He lived next door with his wife so we just took our pillows and clothing and moved in."

  "You moved in with him and your grandmother?"

  "Yes," she chuckles softly. "I mean no."

  I cock a brow. "I'm not following."

  "She never thought of us as her grandchildren." She waves her hand through the air. "She never really paid us much mind."

  "Your grandmother didn't consider you her grandchildren?"

  "Granddad didn’t explain this to you?" She tilts her head to the side. "You don't know, do you?"

  I don't know much of anything lately it seems. "He explained that you and your sister were close to him," I offer as a starting point. I obviously need her to fill in many of the blanks.

  "We lived next door to him and his wife when we were children."

  I don't interrupt. I only nod, encouraging her to continue.

  "He was our neighbor. He and his wife didn't have any children."

  Wait. What? "Your mother wasn't his daughter?"

  "No." Her tone is firm. "She lived in the house with our dad until he took off."

  "Mr. Wilkinson was your neighbor?"

  She sighs deeply. "He was that to begin with. Then he became our granddad. We loved him so much."

  I meet her eyes with my own. "He loved you a lot too. He told me as much."

  "He always said that families aren't about blood. They're about love." She tips her chin down with the words. "I was lucky to have him."

  "He was lucky to have you too."

  Chapter 21

  "Nathan?"

  "Yes?" My head darts up from the desk in my home office. "Do you need something, Jessica?"

  "Are you busy?" Her eyes move from my face to the screen of my laptop.

  I slam it shut with one quick flip of my wrist. "I'm never too busy for you."

  "You're charming." She smiles at me from the doorway.

  I smile back relishing in how beautiful she looks wearing tattered sweat pants and one of my football jerseys. Her hair is pulled into a high ponytail on her head. "Tell me what I can do for you."

  She cocks a brow. "I wouldn't even know where to start with that."

  I run my tongue over my bottom lip. I haven't made love with her for days. The last time was when I ate her out before she confessed everything to me. I want her so badly. I ache for her touch but I want her to heal. I want her to feel strong enough to share herself with me in every way. "You know I'll do whatever you want me to do to your body."

  "That hasn't changed?"

  I can't digest the question. "What do you mean?"

  "You don't want me any less now that you know?" Her gaze falls to her bare feet.

  "That I know that you're a mother?"

  "Yes," she whispers under her breath. "You haven't tried to fuck me since that night."

  "Jessica." Her name escapes me in a breathless whisper as I rise from my chair. "My body aches for your body every minute of the day. That will never change."

  Her brow furrows slightly at my response. "I felt like everything was different."

  "Why?" I take a few strong strides across the room until I'm standing directly in front of her. "Why would you feel that?"

  "You've been so quiet." Her hands reach for the collar of my shirt. "You've come into your office every night to work."

  "It's been an adjustment for us both." My hands circle her waist. "My feelings haven't changed at all. I think I love you more actually."

  "More?" She dips her head to catch my gaze. "How can you love me more?"

  "I don't think I can explain it."

  "You c
an try," she counters. "Please try."

  I can sense how important this is to her. She needs to find comfort in my love for her. She tore herself open emotionally for me a few days ago. I have to show her that it was worth it. I need her to see that I cherish and love her even more now.

  I reach up to tap her on the tip of her nose. "The Jessica I fell in love with has a beautiful heart."

  "I like that you think that."

  "I don't think it, Jessica. It's the truth," I say, my eyes focused on hers. "You never gave up on me."

  "I would never give up on you." Her hand drops to my chest. "I can't, Nathan."

  I pull her hand into mine. "I saw something in you that I've never seen in anyone before." The inference is any other woman. We both know it. I don't have to tell her. She understands that in my eyes, there isn't another woman walking this planet that compares to her.

  "You still see that now?"

  I reach forward and graze my lips over hers. "When you told me about your baby… I mean your daughter," I stammer. "When you told me about her I saw a part of you that I didn't even know was there."

  "What part?" Her hands grip tightly to the front of my shirt.

  "You're so fucking strong." I smile. "You're the strongest person I've ever met."

  "I'm not strong." She slaps her hands across my chest. "I'm not strong at all."

  "I had this client, Jessica." I tilt her head up so she's looking directly at me. "He was an older man. He died recently."

  "I'm sorry," she says it without an ounce of pretense. There's compassion woven deeply into it.

  I nod in response. "He had two granddaughters."

  "Are they young?"

  "Your age," I offer. "They're both in their twenties."

  She smiles at the gentle reminder of the gap in our ages. "They're not old like you?"

  I wink at her before I pull my brows together in mock anger. "No. They're not old like me."

  "I'm sorry they lost their grandfather."

  "He loved them both very much even though he wasn't their grandfather by birth." I want this to sound gentle and I want it to bring her comfort.

  "What do you mean?" She cocks her head to the side. "They were adopted?"

  "He was their foster father." I kiss her forehead lightly. "He never formally adopted them, but he took them in and cared for them when their mother died."

  "They were a family," she says with understanding in her eyes.

  "Two nights ago when I came home you were on my laptop." I gesture behind me with my hand. "I know you closed it when you heard me come through the door."

  She doesn't show any surprise at all. "Yes. I was looking at something."

  I pull in a heavy breath. "You were reading about her."

  Her eyes fill with tears. "I was." She nods quickly. "I wanted to know more."

  "What did you learn?" I push because I have to. I need her to share. I don't want her to carry the guilt of this around with her forever.

  "Her name is Jenna." She closes her eyes tightly as tears stream down her face. "She loves horses."

  "She's beautiful," I offer. I had to close my office door after reading the article that popped up on my laptop screen when I opened it after Jessica went to bed. It was a profile of the Governor's family. An entire paragraph was dedicated to Jenna Lane. She's a beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed six-year-old girl. The little girl bears an unmistakable resemblance to Jessica.

  "She looks like me." A ghost of a smile trails over her mouth. "She's pretty."

  "She's beautiful." I whisper into her forehead. "She's really beautiful."

  She nods through the tears. "She's happy."

  I thought the same thing as I read the article. The smile on her face was filled with pure joy. When the reporter who wrote the piece asked what Jenna's favorite thing was she responded that it was her younger brother. She's part of a family who loves her deeply and unconditionally. "I felt that too."

  "I just wish I could see her once." She fights to hold back the tears. "I never got to hold her or hug her or anything."

  The words tear through me. I had no idea the baby was taken from her that quickly. "I'm sorry. I wish I could change that."

  "She's where she belongs." Her shoulders tremble was she says the words. "She's part of their family now."

  "She is," I whisper back. Jenna is part of their family and Jessica is mine.

  Chapter 22

  "Will you marry me?"

  I almost fall out of my chair. "What did you say?"

  She pulls in a deep breath before she slams my office door behind her. "I asked if you would marry me."

  I fumble for my suit jacket. I had tossed it over the back of my chair when I got into my office this morning. I had a full morning of calls and meetings related to the Wilkinson case. If all goes according to the settlement I've worked so hard to achieve, the granddaughters will begin receiving payments within the next three months. "I have to find the ring."

  "You have a ring?" Jessica pulls her hand up to her chest in mock surprise.

  "I've had a ring for the last six months." I push my hand into one pocket and I come up empty. "Where the fuck did I put that goddamn ring?"

  "This is romantic." She taps her finger against the desk. "I can't have this be my memory of our engagement."

  "You just asked me to marry you, Jessica." I'm on my feet now. "You can't take it back. Fuck, please don't take it back."

  "I'm going to walk back out the door and get the secretary to announce that I'm here." She points at my office door. "She'll call me Ms. Ross but go with it. When I come back in, you'll have the ring in your hand and you'll get down on one knee and say something romantic."

  I scrub my hand across my face. "What? Did you just give me a play-by-play on how to propose to you?"

  "I did." She nods. "Do you have it? Do you know what to do?"

  "No." I start towards her as she nears the door. "It's not happening like this."

  She tries to pull open the door but my hand holds it closed. "Nathan," she practically screams my name. "I have to get to class soon. I don't have time for this. Let me leave so I can come back and you can propose."

  I smile down at her, soaking in her obvious frustration. "It's not happening, Jessica. You don't get to control this."

  "I'm going to say yes if you ask me today." She stomps her heel on the floor.

  "You're going to say yes when I ask you and that's not going to be today."

  She taps me on the tip of my nose, turns towards the door, throws it open and walks towards the bank of elevators without turning back around.

  ***

  "I'm here as a client, not as an attorney." I toss the agreement Jessica gave me across the desk of my friend, Lyle Benson. "You're the family law expert. Tell me what you think."

  He picks the papers up and scans them quickly. "This is the case you told me about on the phone?"

  "I crossed out all the names." I had painstakingly spent last night copying every page of the document before crossing out the names. I trust Lyle but the last thing I need is a leak to the press. Jessica doesn't need her name dragged into anything to do with the Governor and his family.

  He tosses the papers to the side. "Give me a day or two to go over this."

  "I don't have that much time," I lie. I have all the time in the world. I've studied those documents for hours. I can't find even the smallest loophole. I don't even know what is driving my incessant need to find some way for Jessica to have a role in her daughter's life. I can only attribute it to my need to give her anything she craves.

  "Sit." He motions to a couch against the wall near his desk. "Give me ten minutes."

  I don't normally acquiesce this easily, but for Jessica I'll hang upside down if need be. I walk slowly to the couch, lower myself down and pray that there's something in those documents that will give her the chance she wants to see her baby girl.

  Chapter 23

  "I'll be done school in a few weeks." She sett
les down on my lap on the couch.

  I push my phone to the side as I pull my arms around her. "I know. I'm excited to have my girl back." The words could be interpreted as selfish. They're not. I'm Jessica's biggest supporter. I pushed her to enroll in culinary school. I give her all the space she needs to focus on her career. Cooking is her passion. I want her to excel at it. I want her to have everything in life that she desires. I'll sacrifice whatever I can to give that to her.

  "You're excited that I'll have more time to suck your cock."

  I laugh out loud at how brash the words are. "You're starting to sound more and more like me every day." She is. She's so open about her desire for me, just as I am with her. We talk easily and comfortably about sex. We always have. It's just one part of our relationship that I cherish deeply.

  "You can't deny it, Mr. Moore." She traces a path along my chin with her lips. "You love it when I slide your big, beautiful cock between my lips."

  I grab her head, tilting it to the side so I can slide my lips effortlessly over hers. I push between them with my tongue, pulling it alongside hers before I bite her bottom lip sharply. "You want me to fuck your mouth right now, don’t you?"

  "No." She pulls back slightly so she can work on the buttons of my shirt. "I want you to lick me until I come."

  I wrap my hand around her waist and flip us over with little effort. She's laid out before me on the couch now, her beautiful body wrapped in a simple black dress. She'd teased me endlessly through dinner earlier, leaning forward so I could catch a glimpse of the side of her round breast. "You want me to eat your beautiful pussy until you come all over my face, don't you?"

  She nods slowly. "Do it now."

  I pull on the sash of her dress, pushing it apart. She looks magnificent, sprawled out before me in a black bra and matching panties. "I love your tits."

  Her brow furrows for a moment as she watches my hands unlatch the front of her bra. Her tits fall out. They're perfectly shaped, the nipples already hardening at the promise of an orgasm.