For King and Country

by Geneva Lee

  “I’m sorry,” I yelled, no longer able to hold back my tears. “I’m not perfect. I’m sorry you didn’t know. But you need to leave.”

  Alexander pivoted to stare at me. “You think I’m angry with you?”

  “I have no idea how they found out about it,” I continued, my confession streaming from me in a nervous torrent. “I was in therapy before university, and I saw a private counselor my first year of college. There was a relapse a year ago, but that was all confidential.”

  “You no longer have secrets, Clara.”

  “I realize that now. I realize I owe you an explanation, but—”

  “You owe me nothing.” The gentleness of his tone stopped me more than the words, and Alexander seized on the moment of silence to approach me. “Do you understand that? You owe me nothing.” He cupped my chin as he repeated those words, holding my eyes to his.

  His perfect face swam in front of me as I fought the tears. I shook my head. I didn’t understand him. I didn’t understand anything about today. I only felt him slipping away from me. My life was spinning out of control and there was nothing to grab on to.

  “I need you to understand,” I whispered, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak aloud the rest of my thought. Before you leave me.

  “If you need me to, I will listen. But you don’t owe me an explanation. Nothing you say will change anything between us.”

  I tore myself away from him, his words wrenching through me. He’d made his choice. “Then go.”

  “I don’t want to go.” Alexander took a step closer to me and then paused. “What do you think I’m saying to you?”

  “I understand,” I said, unable to look at him. “You don’t need more drama in your life. You don’t need a girlfriend who has to actively construct positive thoughts about her body and set alarms to remind herself to eat. I don’t blame you for that.”

  “I’m not leaving you,” he said in a soft voice. “I never wanted perfection. I wanted you.”

  I swayed on my feet, and his hand shot out to catch me. Alexander gathered me in his arms and carried me to the bed. Sinking down, his hold on me tightened as the tears I’d held back poured from me. I breathed him in—the scent of soap mixed with spicy cologne and something indescribable that belonged only to him. His grip didn’t relax until I was calm enough to pull away, but I stayed in his arms.

  “I still want you to understand,” I murmured. We both had secrets and I understood now that I couldn’t keep mine from Alexander.

  Alexander nodded but stayed silent.

  Taking a shaky breath, I focused on what I’d learned about sharing during group therapy. No one here is out to judge you, I told myself. That had been true then and I felt it was true now. Alexander didn’t want to leave. That should have reassured me, but until I told him everything, I couldn’t be certain he wouldn’t change his mind if he found out more later.

  “It started at school. My mother insisted that I attend an exclusive academy in California, and as usual, my father gave in. I didn’t want to go. I was fourteen and my friends were my life, but I had no say in the matter. I guess that made the transition worse, and I had a hard time meeting people.” I paused to take another calming breath before I continued. “Finally, an older girl took me under her wing. She taught me about makeup and boys. For some reason, I thought she was really popular. Probably because she seemed happy. And then one day, she went into the bathroom and threw up after lunch.”

  Alexander’s arms stiffened around me, but he nodded for me to continue.

  “She pushed me to try it, and when I wouldn’t, she started dropping little hints. There was a roll around my bra strap. She slapped my thigh in the locker room and laughed as it jiggled. So one night, I went with her after dinner and threw up. It was hard for me and it took so long for me to do it while she stood there and teased me. When I finally did it, I decided I couldn’t do it again. I hated it, but she was my only friend.

  “After all these years, I still feel stupid when I tell this story,” I admitted.

  Alexander’s finger flew to my chin and tipped my eyes up to his. “You are not stupid.”

  “I wasn’t smart though. I believed her when she said my parents had sent me away because they were ashamed. I believed her when she said the thinner I got, the more popular I would become. By the time I went home for Spring Break, I weighed less than a hundred pounds. My mom—” my voice broke and I choked back a sob at the memory. Alexander pressed a reassuring kiss to my forehead and waited. “My mom started crying when she saw me. They pulled me out of school, and she drove me to therapy every single day, because she wouldn’t let them admit me. That summer we moved to England. Dad thought it would be a better environment for me. Maybe he was right.”

  “He was right,” Alexander agreed, burying his face into my neck. “Because you’re here with me now, poppet.”

  The ache in my chest spread like wildfire as he spoke, but I forced myself to continue. “I’ve done really well with therapy. I learned my eating disorder was a coping mechanism that I used when I was stressed or lonely. I stayed in therapy until my second year at university and then I met Daniel.”

  “The one who tried to break you?” Alexander remembered with barely restrained disgust.

  “I should have seen through him,” I said.

  “Don’t make excuses,” Alexander ordered.

  “It was fine for a while, but then things changed. He changed. One minute he made me feel like the most important person in his life, and the next, I was the reason he was miserable. He criticized how much I ate, pointed out how little I exercised. He competed with me for grades. When my parents gave me access to my trust fund, we came home after my birthday party and I told him I was tired. He didn’t like that. He accused me of being superior to him. He said I was being elitist and that I was too snobby to fuck him. Things escalated quickly and he almost—”

  Alexander vaulted from the bed and began to pace, motioning with an impatient wave for me to continue.

  I chose my words carefully, aware of the edge Alexander teetered on. “But he didn’t,” I said. “Belle came home. She saw what was going on and threatened to call the police. That night should have been enough for me to see what he was doing to me, but still I thought I was in love with him. I refused to go to therapy even though Belle pushed. I was fine. Things were under control, and then I fainted during class. At the hospital, they asked me when my last period was and I couldn’t remember.”

  Alexander froze, his expression unreadable.

  “I honestly thought I was pregnant, and the thought of having a baby with Daniel made me so scared that I got sick. They had to put me on oxygen and give me a feeding tube.” My voice broke as I recalled that day in the hospital and the whirlwind of emotions I’d suffered. “I realized that I wasn’t scared of having a baby, but I was terrified of being permanently bound to Daniel. When it occurred to me that my child would have him for a father, there was a sadness deeper than any I’ve ever known.”

  “So you ended it,” Alexander guessed. He’d stopped his furious pacing to hover next to the bed.

  “I didn’t have to,” I said, a humorless laugh spilling out. It was impossible now to understand how I could have been so naive. “The results came back negative. I wasn’t pregnant. I was malnourished. My liver was barely functioning. I was shutting down. I hadn’t purposefully stopped eating. I hadn’t even realized I was doing it. The doctors quizzed me and suggested I go back to therapy, especially a support group. It was there that I realized I’d been clinging to an idea of control that didn’t exist. Not eating was something I chose. Maybe because of the awful things he said about my body. Maybe because subconsciously I desperately needed to control something. My group helped me see that I’d given him control over me instead. So when I say he broke me—that’s what I mean. I loved him and he nearly killed me. At least, I thought I loved him.”

  “And now?” Alexander asked.

  “Now…” I trailed
away, no longer certain that was the case. Now I had someone to compare Daniel to, but I didn’t dare tell Alexander that. “Let’s just say that distance has given me perspective. Although after today, I feel like I’ve been thrown back in time. I suppose no matter how far I’ve come, I can’t change what happened, and that means sometimes I have to face it.”

  Alexander’s eyes grew distant as he considered this. He understood what I was saying better than most. I’d witnessed his nightmares and caught the self-deprecating comments he threw into conversations. Even though he hadn’t laid open his soul to me yet, I knew that I could trust him with what had happened to me. I could only hope someday that he felt the same way. “That’s why you ran when I brought up submission.”

  I nodded. I hadn’t wanted to bring it back to him, not after how far we’d come in the last few days, but avoiding it wasn’t going to help.

  “I can’t believe I…” he searched for the words, a familiar expression of self-loathing on his face.

  “No, X,” I stopped him. “It wasn’t just that. It was the idea of any relationship.”

  “My predilections certainly won’t help you,” he growled.

  “I thought that at first too. But you aren’t him, and I’m stronger now.”

  “And your body?” The rasp in his voice arrested me with its implication, and I couldn’t speak. “How do you feel about your body?”

  Pushing the words over my dry tongue, I forced myself to answer him. “Most days I don’t think about it. I eat. I get dressed. I walk or run. Other days, I catch myself wishing I had a body like Pepper’s.”

  His eyes flashed at the mention of her name, but he didn’t speak. Instead he lifted me into his arms, without so much as a word. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he cradled me against his chest. Alexander kicked open the bathroom door with his foot and carried me to the mirror. Setting me gently on my feet, he guided me around to face my reflection. His lips moved to my ears as his fingers deftly unzipped my dress and pushed it past my shoulders with slow deliberation.

  “I’ve been remiss in telling you how I feel about your body,” Alexander said, his breath tickling my earlobe and sending warm tendrils of pleasure cascading down my neck. “Your gorgeous cunt gets so much of my attention, but when I said your whole body was made for fucking, I mean it.”

  His fingers stayed hooked into the straps of my dress, preventing it from falling to my feet. Alexander’s mouth drifted across my skin to the curve of my neck. He pressed a lingering kiss there, his eyes closed in reverence, and I melted against him. His eyes snapped open, and I saw wildness reflecting from them. “This—” he brushed the spot with his lips “—was made to kiss—so smooth and soft. When I’m burying my cock in your perfect cunt, I can’t help myself.”

  He demonstrated with another leisurely caress of his lips, but this time his teeth sank lightly into the flesh, and I gasped in approval. A pleased smile curved across his face. Alexander planted kisses as he inched the straps of my dress down the length of my arms. “Long and slender. These freckles drive me crazy.” He paused. “And the way they feel when they’re wrapped around me, clinging to me as I ride you—perfection.”

  The dress slipped off me and pooled at my feet as Alexander’s fingers knit through mine. He drew our clasped hands over my shoulder and kissed each knuckle. “Such clever fingers. I hate when they aren’t intertwined with mine, unless they’re on my cock, of course.”

  I nodded, my teeth sinking into my bottom lip as I drank in his reflection in the mirror—his blue eyes smoldering into mine, in such contrast to his thick, jet-black hair, his lips pressed to my hand.

  “Look at yourself, poppet,” he ordered when he realized what I was doing.

  “I want to look at you,” I whispered.

  “I don’t blame you,” he said with a smirk, “but right now, I need you to pay attention. Follow my lips with your eyes.” He stepped into the space between my body and the vanity, still holding my hand, and dropped to his knees. Taking my other hand, he guided my arms behind my back, forcing me to stand straighter and pushing my chest closer to his waiting lips. He tipped his head up, catching my nipple in his mouth. I did as I was told, watching his tongue swirl around the furled tip before he sucked it in between his teeth. My breasts swelled from his attention, growing full and heavy, as he tended to each of them in term. My body ached with building tension, as he leaned back on his heels and turned to the mirror. “It’s almost cliché to tell you that your tits are perfect, but they are. Full and supple. I can ever decide if I want to suck them or fuck them.”

  A whimper escaped my lips and his eyebrow crooked up. “Would you like that? Do you want me to shove my cock between your tits?”

  I nodded, lost to his erotic suggestions. The list of places I wouldn’t allow his cock had diminished to the point of nonexistence.

  “Later, poppet,” he promised, twisting back to trail his lips between the hollow of my breasts down to my navel. His tongue circled it as he pinned my wrists together in one hand, bringing his freed hand to stroke across the taut lines of my stomach. “Your body makes me so fucking hot, poppet. I think about it all the time, imagining how I’m going to fuck you. When we’re apart, all I can think of is getting my hands on you.”

  He reached to my hip and gripped it tightly, kneading it with strong fingers. “I can’t take my eyes off you when you walk. Do you sway your hips like that on purpose, knowing that I’m watching?”

  I shook my head. Usually, I didn’t. Then again something about Alexander stole my inhibitions. Maybe it was his dirty mouth or his sinful body, but his presence brought out a wanton side to my personality that I’d never suspected I had.

  “All I can think about is grabbing these hips and putting you over my knee,” he continued huskily, “or holding onto them as my cock pounds you. They curve so precisely into my hands. I swear your body is fucking proof of evolution.”

  I closed my eyes, picturing his body dominating mine. Frenetic energy pulsed through me, pooling where his skin made contact with mine.

  “Open your eyes, Clara,” he demanded. His hand lightly smacked my bare buttocks and my eyes flew open. He released my other hand and cupped both of my cheeks. “I’ll have to spend a whole day worshipping your ass. It’s a pity that you can’t see me do it, but I’ll be certain to describe every single thing I want to do to it. Everything I’m going to do to it.”

  Alexander’s hands slid from my rear to my thighs, and he urged them slowly open. Dropping lower, his face nestled against the tender inner flesh. “I suppose it would be too much to ask to be buried here?”

  A giggle slipped from my lips and he kissed the sensitive skin in response. “I’m serious, poppet. I want my lips down here, breathing you in. Your scent intoxicates me, you know. I want them clamping against my ears as I taste you. But I need them spreading open for me, circling around me as I fuck you.”

  Yes, please.

  “You know how I feel about this.” Alexander’s lips moved up, his words whispering across my swollen sex. “Your cunt was made for me. It’s so tight it just squeezes my cock when I’m inside of you, draining every drop from me. But you know that. You know you have a greedy cunt, don’t you? I want you to see. I’m going to fuck you with my tongue, so you can see how fucking beautiful you are when you come.”

  His tongue licked through the lace of my panties up the length of my seam, drawing hungry gasps from me. He pulled back. “Watch, poppet.”

  Plunging between my lips past my thong, he ran his tongue over my cleft, landing on my clit. He pushed my legs open wider, so that I could watch him in the mirror. It was too much, seeing him between my legs, watching as his tongue stroked and sucked, but I didn’t dare turn away. My hands tangled in his hair, holding me to him as my hips ground flagrantly against his mouth.

  My muscles contracted, tension tightening them, with each lash of his tongue. I watched as my eyes slanted dreamily and my teeth bit into my lower lip. My chest moved with
shallow pants of anticipation as a film of sweat spread across my skin. I no longer wanted to turn away, I’d lost my reservations to Alexander’s meticulous mouth, and I bucked against his talented tongue.

  I was so close, but my body craved more. “I want to see your cock inside me.”

  Alexander’s hands tightened on my thighs, digging into my skin, adding the edge of pain to my pleasure, but he didn’t relent. Instead his tongue flicked powerfully against my clit before his mouth settled over it, sucking it into his hungry mouth.

  I forgot my request as I came undone, my eyes locked with the girl in the mirror. Her ecstasy mirrored mine—mouth wide, cries spilling from her lips as she unapologetically fucked Alexander’s mouth. Bliss washed over me, splintering over the brink, as I clutched his body to mine.

  “Had enough, poppet?” Alexander asked, kissing the hollow of my thigh.

  I shook my head, unable to speak, as I released him and caught myself on the vanity.

  Alexander rose and moved behind me, unbuckling his jeans as his eyes watched mine in the mirror. The crown of his cock stuck up over the band of his boxer briefs, and I licked my lips.

  “Do you want this?” His eyes hooded as he fisted his rigid shaft.

  I did, but I wanted more than that. Alexander had shown me that he wanted all of me. His desire wasn’t limited to my sex, and mine wasn’t limited to his either.

  “No,” I whispered, aware of the risk I was taking. “I want your body.”

  His image stilled behind me as he took in my words. “You don’t want that, Clara.”

  “There’s no part of my body you don’t want, right?” I waited for him to nod. He did so stiffly, but after his exhibition he could hardly deny it. “There’s no part of your body that I don’t want.”