by A B Turner
"You're seriously leaving us, Carrie," he asked, his voice barely able to conceal his disappointment, "But why? Aren't you happy here?"
For a brief moment, I felt almost bad for upsetting him, but good sense soon kicked back in as I explained, although I had no complaints, I just felt I had gone as far as possible within the company and I was seeking a new challenge. When I had finished speaking, he sighed heavily,
"Your mind is obviously made up, Carrie, I will be very sorry to see you go, but I wish you well for the future."
He walked around his desk and gave me an awkward hug and told me to take care, while assuring me he would make sure all the paperwork I needed would be ready by the end of the day. As I stepped out of his office, a sudden wave of anxiety swept over me, after all, as the reality of what I had just done hit. For a brief moment, I felt frozen to the spot, as if my whole body was rebelling at this decision and somehow urging me to race back into that familiar office and explain it had all been a terrible mistake. I could feel my breath quickening and my heart starting to pound against my chest, fortunately my momentary panic was interrupted by a bright voice calling from the far end of the warehouse,
"Alright there, Carrie?"
I glanced up and I saw Phil grinning as he walked towards me,
"You look like you've seen a ghost! Or have you just seen Derek the Dick's bum crack again?"
I couldn't help but smile as I shook my head,
"Thankfully, no," I began, "Of the two, I would prefer the ghost, much less disturbing than Derek's rear end."
Phil laughed, his dark eyes sparkling,
"So what's up?" he asked, as I explained about the resignation, his brow furrowed and he shook his head slightly, perhaps in disbelief at what he was hearing. When I had finished, he looked straight at me,
"I don't blame you for wanting to leave this dump, but you're not going 'cos of me, are you?"
At first, I didn't understand what he could mean, so when I didn't immediately answer, he leant forward,
"...because of what went on...between you and me.." he whispered anxiously, before stepping back. Suddenly, the reason for his concern became clear and I shook my head,
"Oh no Phil, this has nothing to do with you," I replied, "I just need a change, that's all," I smiled warmly, hoping he would feel reassured. It felt like he was about to say something else, when Derek appeared, still carrying the clipboard that was practically welded to his right hand. He looked first at me and then Phil,
"Some of us have got work to do, we don't have the time to stand around gossiping," his intense beady-eyed glare matched only by the piercing nasal tone of his voice. When neither of us moved, he walked away, audibly tutting, as we watched, he suddenly paused and bent down to pick up some stray piece of paper, as he did so, his trousers gapped and revealed not only the slightly-worn edge of his underwear, but also the pale flabby flesh of his bottom. I failed to stifle a giggle as I glanced at Phil who was grinning broadly, clearly Derek heard me as when he stood up, he glared back in our direction. I quickly coughed, hoping he would be suitably fooled, he sighed heavily and, after hitching up his baggy trousers, he marched off away into the dark recesses of the warehouse. Once more, Phil was about to speak, when Derek's voice boomed from the distance,
"Phil! Need you to sort out this area back here."
Phil looked almost apologetically at me,
"I'd better go and see what his fucking problem is."
I watched him walk away, he had only taken a few steps, when he paused and looked back at me,
"Hope it all turns out ok for you, you take care," he said, before I could answer, Derek's voice whined again, only more insistently,
"I can't have pallets stacked like this, it's not compliant with the regulations."
Phil sighed heavily,
"For fuck sake Derek, I'm coming, alright?"
He started to walk again, I quickly ran after him, knowing I would regret not taking this opportunity to say something, when I caught his arm, he looked at me, clearly surprised,
"You take care too, Phil, ok?" I quickly kissed his cheek, he smiled again and walked away, shouting back his response to the ever more impatient, Derek. As I ambled away, their raised voices faded into the distance until they were barely audible. I passed the small dingy door which lurked in a dark corner, too many times in the past, I had gone through that door with Phil, so I could relieve his boredom by satisfying his basic sexual need , while, for most of time, I had felt nothing but contempt, both for me and him. Going through it had done nothing but remind me of how dead and lifeless I had become, in some ways it symbolized everything that had been a wrong in my life. But as I stood there, I thought about everything that had happened to me in the past year and now, I could see it for what it was, just a door.
The rest of my morning was spent being almost constantly interrupted by other staff members asking if the rumors were true and I was really leaving. On hearing my confirmation, a few assured me I would regret my decision and be back in a week, but most just wistfully wished me well, as if resigned to the fact, they could never escape themselves. When the time for my lunch break came, I walked to the canteen, even before I opened the door, I could hear Phil and his friends, talking and laughing loudly and then the calmer voice of Daniel, telling them to watch their language as there were ladies present. This comment brought gales of raucous comments and guffaws from the group of men, who continued to swear with almost comic abandon.
I walked into the canteen and was met by a wild cheer, Phil stood up,
"There she is, lads, she's making a break for it, let's hear it for, Carrie."
Obligingly the men yelled and I tried to thank them over the deafening roar, Phil raised his hand for some silence and looked at me,
"We're going to miss you," he said, our eyes met and I could see a slight tinge of sadness in his expression which made me swallow hard.
"I'm going to miss all of you too," I replied, almost as if I was only speaking to him, even though the rest of the canteen was there.
"Won't be the same here without you," Daniel said quietly from behind the food counter, I looked over at him and smiled, again, I was about to speak when Phil's deputy, Mick suddenly stood up, causing the metal feet of his chair to scrape across the floor,
"Enough of all this sad crap, why doesn't someone say something worth hearing?" he asked loudly.
"Like what?" Phil replied, obviously mystified by this question, Mick grinned mischievously back at his boss and then pointed at me,
"Like, now you're going Carrie, you might as well show us your tits as a leaving present!"
The whole canteen roared with laughter and even I couldn't help but smile,
"Not in a million years, Mick" I laughed and walked towards my favourite seat in the canteen. As I passed Phil's table I heard him quietly speak to Mick,
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Mick shrugged his shoulders,
"No harm in asking, it's not like you've never mentioned them."
Phil glanced up at me, at first, looking slightly embarrassed but when he saw me smile, he grinned back at me and then turned back to Mick,
"Well, she got a great pair, I'll give you that, mate."
As I sat down, relieved to no longer be the centre of attention, Daniel appeared at my table, with my lunch tray, he carefully placed it in front of me,
"There you go, Carrie, lunch is on me."
I thanked him and looked hungrily at the spread he had prepared,
"I want nothing but the best for you, I always have," he continued.
I looked up at him, at one time, we had come so close to having a relationship, but for so many reasons, it had never happened, but fortunately, we had remained friends.
"I really hope you're happy, Daniel, you know, I wouldn't want anything less for you, I hope you know that," I said quietly, hoping the noise from the canteen would perhaps make it impossible for anyone to overhear me.
I
know that, Carrie" he assured me, "oh and I am happy, I've asked Cheryl to marry me and she said yes," he beamed. Almost as soon as he could see I was about to congratulate him, he quickly shook his head,
"None of this lot know yet, we are going to make a proper announcement soon, but as you're not going to be here, I wanted you to know."
I smiled and lightly touched his arm,
"I am so happy for you, and for Cheryl, it's wonderful news.""
He thanked me and walked back to the food counter, the door swung open and Cheryl appeared, I watched as Daniel walked quickly towards her and they kissed,
"Get a fucking room, you two!" Mick yelled, everyone laughed, Cheryl looked slightly embarrassed and nuzzled into Daniel's shoulder, as he put a protective arm around her. They looked genuinely happy and I was so relieved, I had long felt some guilt about how I had treated him, but that was now another negative emotion I could release, as it was evident he was fine and we could part company with no lasting regrets.
When the end of my last day finally came, I staggered through of the doors for the last time, carrying cards, unwrapped gifts and a huge bouquet of flowers. Seemingly inevitably, it was raining and the prospect of walking to the bus stop filled me with an all too familiar dread. But as I took barely a step, a car pulled up in front of me, at first, in the gloom, it was hard to see the driver, but as soon as the window slid down, there was a beaming Kat,
"Wanna lift, sweetcheeks?"
I nodded gratefully and bundled into the front seat,
"What are you doing here?" I asked, still trying to get myself and all my belongings in some kind of order.
" Well, I wanted to make sure you actually made it out of the old place, you know how easily you get talked into things, I was worried they might talk you into staying," she replied, clearly half-joking and half seriously.
"Not a chance of that, Kat," I answered firmly, "Time to move on."
Kat smiled at me, turned the music up as loud as it could feasibly go, forced the car into gear and we roared away down the road.
Chapter 2
After waving goodbye to Kat, I staggered through the door and dumped everything on to the sofa, I kicked off my shoes and slumped down. I had barely even started to open the first gift when my phone rang, at first I couldn't see it, but then I noticed my handbag was still by the door,
"Oh good grief, " I moaned, having absolutely no desire to move again, just then the ringing stopped, so I rested back on the sofa, deciding whoever it was could call me later, or better yet, tomorrow. But the calm was broken again by the persistent ringing, so I sighed heavily, wandered back out into the hallway and retrieved the phone.
"Hello," I answered wearily.
"Hey Mum, what took you so long?"
Just the sound of Lainie's cheerful voice instantly lifted my mood,
"Sorry sweetheart, I've only just got home..."
"So have you really left now?" She interrupted excitedly, without pausing to hear my answer, she continued,
"I am so proud of you Mum."
I thanked her before asking how things were with her in Rome, as she chatted and laughed, I could picture her face in my mind, the beaming smile,the large green eyes that literally glowed when she was happy. At first, I had found it hard when she had left home, in my mind, she had been my baby for so long. But as she talked, I realized something, despite the fact she was now an adult, those things would never change so as she talked about her studies, her boyfriend and every aspect of her life, I found myself comforted in the knowledge she would, in some way, always be mine.
Finally, after seemingly hardly pausing for breath, she paused,
".... So that's life with me, I'm sorry, I haven't stopped, have I?" she giggled, "Tell me, are you excited about the new job? When do you start?"
I laughed,
"Yes, I am excited, but nervous and I start in two day’s time."
"You'll be fine, Mum, so no need to be nervous, I will be sending you loads of love, and so will Damon."
I thanked her, as always we ended the conversation with a promise to keep in touch and a reassurance of just how much we loved each other.
I wandered back to the sofa, slumped down again and finally started opening the presents from work. Almost an hour later, I was clearing up the discarded wrapping paper and arranging the cards on the book shelf, once more, I found myself having mixed feelings. All those kind sentiments and good wishes brought a tinge of sadness, as the reality dawned on me, perhaps I would never see those people again. Obviously, there had been many messages assuring we would 'keep in touch', but I knew from experience, even with the best of intentions, that rarely happens. So I silently wished them all well before switching off the lights and going to bed.
Some hours later, I was awoken by the sound of the persistent phone again, I glanced at my bedside table and groaned, as I realised I had left it on the sofa. Cursing my own stupidity, I practically fell out of the bed and stumbled through the dark hallway, seemingly managing to bump into every piece of furniture on the way. At last, I sat down, while rubbing my sore knee which I had gained from an encounter with the coffee table, I answered the phone, before I had a chance to speak, I heard someone cursing,
"Dammit, it's the middle of the night there.."
As my mind was still half-asleep, it took a moment for me to speak,
"Carrie? Are you there?" the voice asked urgently, "It's me."
Suddenly, everything within me woke up at once,
"Oh my God, Vanessa? Is that you?" I gasped, I heard her laugh,
"Can you say that any louder? I think a few people in China didn't hear that!"
I felt myself blush so I was relieved she couldn't see me and quickly apologized.
"No need for apologies, in fact, they should be coming from me, I am so sorry for waking you, you'd think with all this traveling I do, I'd be better at working out the time zones," she replied. By now, my mind had somehow leapt from barely functioning to rapid motion, a thousand questions seemed to flood through at once, it had been such a long time since we had last spoken and now, there she was, talking to me and I couldn't help but wonder why, but I opted to try and stay casual,
"Don't worry Vanessa, it's always so good to hear from you, whatever the time," I replied, surprising myself with just how calm I sounded, especially as at the mere sound of her voice, a hundred butterflies wearing heavy boots had started careering around my stomach.
"I'm glad to hear that, Carrie, very glad," she trailed off, as if lost in thought, which left me concerned,
"Is everything alright Vanessa?" I asked, I heard her sigh,
"What? Oh yeah, everything's great, I just wanted to tell you something personally, before you read about it in the press, " she paused, but not knowing quite what to say, I resisted the urge to interrupt.
"I'm getting married, Carrie," she said quietly, "Ryan asked me in Paris."
For a brief moment, I couldn't understand her quiet reluctance to tell me her news, but suddenly it hit me, this meant, we would probably never meet again. I felt my eyes starting to sting with tears and a lump the size of a golf ball appeared in my throat,
"Are you still there?" She asked, obviously concerned by my lack of a response. I swallowed hard,
"Yes, I'm here and that's wonderful news, Vanessa, I am so happy for you," I heard the right words come out of my mouth, but they had no real meaning to me. I had always known there had never been any realistic hope of us having any kind of relationship, but we had shared incredibly intense, loving times which had been the catalyst to many of the subsequent changes in my life. My mind started to form vague pictures of how it had been between us, but I consciously refused to acknowledge them, it would be too painful now to call up those memories. Still in some kind of shock, I heard myself ask about the wedding and as she talked, I managed to gain some level of control over all the emotions which were threatening to wash me away. Even though I hadn't really taken in much of what she had said,
when she paused again, I managed to say something about it all sounding wonderful.
"I think it will be and I have you to thank, Carrie," she answered, as the golf ball in my throat resurfaced,
"Me? Why me?"
"You know why," she replied simply, "I just wish I had done something for you."
Even though I was now losing the fight not to cry, I couldn't let her go without knowing the truth, so despite the fact my voice was reduced to little more than a croak, I reassured her,
"You did everything for me, Vanessa."
I heard her voice catch, as clearly she was struggling with this conversation as much as I was, not wanting to prolong the agony any longer, I knew it was time to say goodbye. I took a deep breath, having resolved to make it as easy as possible for us both,