by A B Turner
“If I did something wrong, just spit it out!”
But, of course, I said nothing and just waited, trying not to look as nervous as I was feeling. At last, Diana removed her glasses, she sighed heavily and then spoke,
“You did very well at the launch, Carrie, I was impressed and that happens rarely..”
I felt the wondrous sense of relief sweep over me like a tide, so I wasn’t in trouble, she had only wanted a private moment to offer some praise. I sat back slightly in my chair and tried hard not to sound smug as I thanked her for the kind words. She nodded slightly, but I noticed immediately, she did not return the smile, in fact, she looked almost worried about what she was about to say. After another audible sigh, she spoke again,
“Carrie, as you know, I have little or no interest in the private lives of my staff, but something came to my attention at the launch which, however much I should like too, I simply cannot ignore.”
She paused, still obviously struggling with finding the right words. My previously-relaxed mind started to race to the only obvious conclusion, she had found out about Tom! Suddenly, I felt every muscle in my body tense as I frantically tried to think of something, anything to say...should I deny everything? I couldn’t, after all, if she has already spoken to him, I would be nothing more than a liar and a coward. Well, my mind argued, perhaps just telling the truth was the best thing to do, after all, Tom and I were no longer seeing each other, so what difference would it make now? She might well be able to look past the fact, she was very clear about her feelings when it came to staff relationships. I took a deep breath,
“I think I know what this might be about..” I began, Diana seemed almost surprised I had spoken at all,
“I am relieved to hear that, Carrie,” she replied hesitantly, “..as I had no real idea how to ask why a senior press photographer would be asking quite so many questions about a new member of my staff.”
I felt my jaw drop, my mouth suddenly felt dry, tiny beads of sweat seemed to be starting a journey through my now-furrowed brow, for the briefest of moments, it felt like even my heart just stopped beating completely. I glanced down, even though I could feel Diana was still looking directly at me. Once more we sat in an uneasy silence, my head felt as if I watching a movie at a million frames a second, racing back to when Diana had been leading the press to the interview room at the hotel..one face suddenly leaped out at me, that same face which had haunted almost every moment I had shared with Vanessa – the pudgy photographer! I stared at the floor, as if hoping it would suddenly open and swallow me up, just so I could escape Diana’s unshifting gaze because although I wasn’t looking at her, I could feel her eyes watching, as my cheeks flushed, betraying me. My brain seemed filled with half-ideas, half- explanations which even after less than a nanosecond all seemed ridiculous. I felt myself sigh heavily as I accepted the only possible solution, to tell her the truth, not the whole story but perhaps enough to set aside her fears and offer me an escape from this room which seemed to rapidly be closing in on me.
“Carrie?” she asked quietly. I glanced up at her, but there was no sign of impatience, if anything, she was perhaps the calmest I had ever seen her since we had met,
“I made a promise,” I began, my voice sounded almost far away,
“I was trusted to say nothing.”
Diana shook her head slightly,
“I see,” she paused, “But is there anything you can tell me? We work with the press so much, Carrie, and if I am to keep you on the staff, I really need to have some vague notion...” her voice trailed off.
Again we sat in silence, I was now seemingly in the position of either telling her something or potentially losing my job.
“Whatever you say, it will not leave this room, I assure you,” she continued.
I sat back in my chair, I felt completely at a loss as to what to do, much as I was growing to love my new job and I had such respect for Diana, but to betray Vanessa? Marcella? People who had shown such faith in me, who had trusted me, I knew, as those questions surfaced, whatever the consequences, I couldn’t sit here and tell everything.
“I am so sorry, Diana,” I replied sadly, “I gave my word.”
I expected her to be angry, but surprisingly she smiled,
“I admire loyalty, Carrie, but that does leave me with the original dilemma.”
She paused thoughtfully,
“What if I was to make a few assumptions and you indicate whether or not I am anywhere near the truth?”
Her voice was still quiet but I detected a distinct note of hope that she had found some solution, despite my reservations I agreed, feeling almost sure she would have no way of being able to tell my story. After all, even I had struggled to believe any of it had happened and I had been there!
For a few minutes, Diana seemed deep in thought before she looked at me again,
“I think you must have met Vanessa Bonart , maybe in passing….”her voice trailed away in thought.
I swallowed hard and tried not to show any emotion, especially at the words ‘in passing’, I wanted to interrupt her and say something about how it had been so much more than that, how she had made me feel things which I had long believed were impossible, but instead I said nothing and tried to maintain some kind of impassive expression.
“But you must have met more than once,” Diana continued, “Otherwise our fat friend wouldn’t have recognized you, am I right, Carrie?”
I reluctantly nodded, but there was no look of triumph in her eyes, in fact, she looked even more concerned,
“So, maybe, she was in trouble and you helped her?” Before I had a chance to answer, Diana shook her head,
“That’s why you made this promise, you know something or saw something...”
She stopped and looked intently at me,
“I’m right, aren’t I?”
I sighed,
“Yes, but I can’t..”
Diana raised her hand,
“It’s alright, Carrie, don’t say any more, I understand, but I do have one question and, I am sorry, but I do need an answer.”
When I made no objection, she continued,
“Is there any way the photographer would have any pictures of the two of you together?”
My mind raced back to the times I had left through the back door of the hotel or been crouched on the floor of the car to avoid him, despite everything, I couldn’t help but smile,
“No, Diana,” I replied firmly, “There are none.”
Diana was visibly relieved,
“Well, that’s something,” for the first time, she relaxed back in her chair whereas I was feeling slightly uneasy, not only had I talked about Vanessa but I could well be unemployed by the end of the day. Diana’s eyes were now closed, either she was mentally writing my termination notice or she had actually fallen asleep. I shifted nervously in my chair which obviously disturbed her as she suddenly sat up and looked straight at me,
“Right then, you need to get back to work while I make a few phone calls, let’s see if I can make sure you don’t cross paths with the reptile again.”
Almost as the last word left her mouth, she was standing up and gathering her belongings together, when she saw I hadn’t moved, she seemed almost quizzical,
“Problem?”
“So I still have a job?” I asked, feeling decidedly bemused.
Diana walked briskly to the doors before turning back to answer,
“Loyalty cannot be bought, Carrie, and believe me, I have tried, so when I find someone who shows the level you have exhibited, I would be a fool to let them go. I am many things, but no fool.”
Before I had a chance to respond, she had marched through the doors and was gone. I still felt vaguely shell-shocked as I followed her, I had barely reached the lift when Kat seemed to appear from nowhere,
“Is everything alright?I was getting really worried.”
“I’m fine, Kat, Diana just wanted to go over a few mistakes I made at the launch,�
�� I replied. Kat frowned, clearly not entirely convinced by my explanation,
“That’s unlike her, she normally doesn’t spare anyone’s blushes when they screw up.”
I shrugged my shoulders,
“Maybe she was going easy on me because I am new here,” I answered, hoping Kat would allow her obvious suspicion to rest which thankfully did seem to be the case, although there was no escaping the fact, she wasn’t entirely convinced. I quickly decided a change of subject was needed,
“Come on, let’s go to Jacquie’s office and find out what we will be doing next,” I said eagerly, before she could reply I started walking down the corridor, Kat called after me,
“Alright Usain, no need to break into a sprint.”
I laughed as I heard her race after me, although there was a part of me which was far from comfortable to find myself lying to her again. As we walked into the office, I had a wish that a day would come, when I could just sit down with her and tell the whole story.
The rest of the morning seemed to be filled with typing up a seemingly-endless report detailing the launch, as I filled in the required information, I couldn’t help but glance at my phone and wonder if Skylar had left a message. Finally, after completing the necessary paperwork, I grabbed my phone and raced to the bathroom, I needed to see if there was anything at all from Skylar. I could barely breathe as I opened Facebook, I glanced down the list of messages and there was his name, in bold type which meant he had indeed contacted me. I closed the toilet door and sat down, hoping against hope nobody would disturb me. I was fairly sure most of the workforce would be at lunch now, so the possibility of peace wasn’t entirely unlikely. For some inexplicable reason, I took a deep breath before clicking on his name, the message began in a friendly tone, it was all about hoping I was okay and having a good day. For a moment, my heart sank, perhaps he was regretting our previous exchange and was now trying to turn us into friends, but his next message soon stopped that idea from taking hold,
“I’m lying here thinking about you.”
I closed my eyes and pictured him, wondering what he would feel like to touch, what it would be like to reach out and feel his skin. As I typed those words, I caught my breath, almost immediately, his answer came back,
“Fuck I want to kiss you.”
Without hesitation, I typed back,
“Well then you should.”
For a moment, I was surprised by just how almost forward I was being but I didn’t care, there was no question about how much I was feeling and so saying the ‘right thing’ didn’t matter. Being with him wasn’t about words, it was about feelings and they were real.
“I was thinking, supposing we met in bar..”
At first, his words were almost shy as he described seeing me from across the room and not being sure whether to approach me. I couldn’t help but wonder where this was going, but it quickly became beautifully clear.
‘….so I’d buy you a drink and hope you’d want to find a place at the back of the room.”
“Oh I would,” I replied quickly, hoping he would keep talking.
“So it’s dark but I can feel you next to me, your eyes looking straight into mine.”
I was there, right in that bar with him and so I just wanted to tell him how I was feeling,
“As your leg is so close, I know I want to touch you, but I hesitate, not sure if you would want that, but then, I can see it in your eyes and so I lean ever so slightly closer.”
I can hardly breathe as I wait for him to answer,
“I gently touch your thigh, you bite your lip as I move my hand slowly..”
I shifted position, his words were starting to reach into me, as if he was there, or, more as if I was with him, in that bar and then I felt him kissing me, his tongue gently opening my lips before slipping into my mouth.
“Oh fuck, you feel so good.”
As I read on, I allowed my hand to slide up my thigh – but in my mind, it wasn’t my hand, it was his. As my fingers slipped under the lace of my panties, I could feel myself shiver with excitement, yes, the scene he was describing was imaginary, but the feelings rising within me were so real I could barely breathe. I was about to try and type when I noticed another message,
“Are you there, Carrie?”
I fumbled to respond, as only one hand was left to type as I was so reluctant to move the other which was still caressing my body.
“Yes and please don’t stop.”
I could see he was answering, by now, I was willing him to hurry, at last, the message appeared,
“So we are kissing now, so deep, your tongue all over mine as my fingers slide into you, fuck, you’re so wet.”
As my own hand entered me, I wanted to scream out it felt so good, he felt so good, again I struggled to type,
“I want you now,” was all I could manage, as my fingers were rhythmically pulsing into me.
“Fuck, yes..deeper inside you,” he replied, his words were now hurried, he was as unable to write now as I was to answer. My whole body was now shaking with pleasure, my breathing so fast, it felt as if I couldn’t take in even the slightest oxygen. I felt light-headed, but I didn’t care, I just couldn’t stop until I realised I hadn’t typed anything for some moments. I struggled to even see what I was writing, but I hoped it said something like ‘cumming’ because I could feel the warm, stickiness oozing between my eager fingers. The phone screen lit up with another message, it just said,
‘Holy fuck.’
The surge of pleasure was too much and I heard myself cry out, my voice echoed around the thankfully-empty bathroom. I slumped back against the cold, tiled wall, my lungs feeling as if at any moment they were about to burst. I closed my eyes in an effort to bring my pounding heartbeat back down to some kind of reasonable level before I could even think about replying again to Skylar. My phone screen was dark, perhaps he was feeling exactly the way I was right now and so was equally unable to move let alone write anything. After a few minutes, when my body seemed to have regained some kind of balance, I started to type a message, I didn’t think about the words at all, just the feeling which was still radiating from every cell in my body,
“I want to be with you, Skylar, I never thought anyone could make me feel this.”
I hit ‘send’ and waited, his message appeared quickly,
“Me too, I don’t know what I am doing, I just know I don’t want it to stop.”
I was about to reply, when the peace was broken by the sound of the outside bathroom door swinging open. I held my breath as I heard the familiar clicking noise of high heels across the floor, another stall door opening followed by the unmistakable sound of someone urinating, so I kept silent. I heard the toilet flush, the sound of running water and then sighed with relief when the door slammed shut which meant I was alone again.
I glanced back at my phone, another message,
“Are you still there?”
I couldn’t help but smile as I replied,
“Sorry, I am at work and people keep disturbing us.”
“Well that’s just fucking ridiculous, can’t they see we’re busy?” he answered.
I laughed out loud as I imagined his frustration at the unwanted intrusion,
“Maybe we can talk later?” I typed, this time there was a much longer pause before he replied,
“Talk? Like on the phone?”
I hadn’t meant that at all, but when the suggestion appeared, I could hardly contain my excitement..to actually hear his voice would be so much better than reading anything.
“Yes, can I call you? Your number is on your FB wall,” I persisted, again, there was another long pause which caused a slight panic, perhaps he didn’t want to speak to me, perhaps he just wanted to message, maybe I was being too pushy, too much, too soon,
I quickly typed again,
“It’s okay if you don’t want too.”
After a few more moments, his reply came back,
“No, I want to talk, maybe we can
sort a time out, this time difference is a bummer.”
My whole body seemed to sigh with relief at reading her words,
“We can work something out right? But can I still message you though? Even if it’s too late for you to read.”
His response came back almost immediately,
“Absofuckinglutely.”
I laughed again, I was about to answer when the bathroom door clattered again,