by A B Turner
“It really is beautiful here,” I sighed.
“Yes it is,” Tom answered quietly, I tucked my hand through his arm and just enjoyed the feeling of the soft evening breeze in my hair, as we strolled back to the car. It was one of those moments where you want time to stop, not permanently, but just long enough so every sense can absorb a memory which could not be lost or forgotten. As we reached the car, Andrew was already loading the case of wine into the back,
“There you are, Tom, and I hope you enjoy it,” he said warmly, Tom shook his hand,
“I am sure I will, thank you again for not only the wine, but a wonderful day.”
Andrew smiled,
“I hope this means a favourable review,” he asked, I shook his hand,
“I think you can count on that, Andrew, you have a beautiful place here and the wine is superb.”
He beamed, although I was sure I did detect almost a shyness in his expression when I was so fulsome with my compliment. After wishing us a safe journey back, he strode back to the front door only to be quickly joined by his two dogs again.
As the car started, Tom and I waved back and then started back along the narrow drive towards the main road. Once more we sped along through the countryside, by now, only the very tops of the trees were touched with the evening sunlight and as I gazed out of the window, I felt that wonderful feeling you get, when you’ve had the perfect day. It was dark by the time the fields had been replaced by neat rows of houses, the fresh scent of the country, overwhelmed by the heavy odours of the city. Oddly enough, it was only then, I realized Tom and I had barely exchanged two words throughout the whole journey home,
“You’re very quiet,” I asked, turning to face him, my voice seemed to startle him,
“I’m sorry, I thought you were asleep,” he replied, “I didn’t want to disturb you.”
I smiled,
“No, not asleep, just thinking about what a lovely day this has been, hardly like work at all.”
He laughed,
“Yeah, it feels a bit wrong to get paid for today, doesn’t it?”
I was about to say something else, when his expression seemed to change, there was no question he had something on his mind.
“It doesn’t have to end, Carrie…well not yet.”
I looked away from him, for a brief moment, I didn’t know what to say, as if sensing my momentary discomfort, he spoke again,
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”
I knew I had to say something and say it now, I knew how easy it would be to go back to his place, to make love with him..yes there was Skylar, but he was here, within touching distance and there was no guarantee I would ever meet him. It was obvious, from that moment at the winery, he wanted me and, I had to face the bare fact, I wanted him – but it would be wrong, wrong for everyone.
I felt a small wave of anger at myself, for my own inadequacies, for being so easily getting lost in a moment, I quickly asked him to pull over to the side of the road, I wanted to put this right – he deserved better. But more than that, what about Skylar? It was true, we had made no firm commitment, no promises, but there would be no chance of anything happening between us, if I allowed my feelings at this moment, to end things this way. I would have to tell her, there could be no way of not being honest and it would be over and I knew, I didn’t want that and I also knew I couldn’t use Tom.
So by the time, he switched off the engine, he turned to look at me, I could see he was about to speak, but I wanted to say my piece first.
“Tom, I like you, I like you so much, it would be so easy to end a day like today with you…but I can’t, it wouldn’t be right.”
Tom sighed heavily,
“But at the winery…” he replied quietly, his eyes looking deeply into mine, “there was….something.”
His voice trailed away, I shook my head,
“There was and that shouldn’t have happened,” I paused, “You see, Tom, there’s kind of someone else…someone I met recently and, well…”
He sat back in his seat, he shook his head slightly,
“I didn’t know you were seeing anyone…I wouldn’t have suggested…”
It was obvious we were both struggling to find the right words, but I owed him- at the very least- some kind of explanation,
“Well, I am not actually seeing someone in the way you mean,” I began, he looked straight at me, clearly confused, so I told him everything about Skylar. When I finished, I heard his exhale,
“Holy crap Carrie, what are you going to do?” he asked, “I mean, how are you going to know if this thing between you and Sky is real or just some kind of online fantasy?”
Before I could answer, his train of thought continued,
“I mean, I’ve got nothing against fantasies, but are you really going to put your whole life on hold for this? That would be mad, surely…”
His eyes seemed to be searching my whole face for some kind for sign that his words were getting through to me,I wanted to be angry at him for making me feel defensive, but the truth was, he was only saying aloud the thoughts I had tried to ignore. How could I be mad at someone for telling the truth? He was right, after all, was I really going to turn down everyone, that I could see and touch..for how long? But there was one point I could disagree with him,
“This is no fantasy, Tom, it feels real,” I answered firmly, “I know that might sound stupid, but it does.”
Tom reached over and took my hand, his large eyes weren’t filled with anger, disappointment or disbelief..they were kind, so kind in fact, I felt my own eyes well up with tears.
“Oh Carrie,” he began, gently touching my cheek with his fingertips, “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I took his hand from my face and held it tightly,
“You didn’t, you’re right, I know you are, maybe it is madness, I don’t know..but when we talk ? Oh Tom, what I feel…it’s just so beautiful.”
He sighed again,
“But would it be that way if you were really together? That’s the real question, isn’t it?”
I nodded sadly, he had just made me face a reality I hadn’t wanted to even consider,
“I don’t know,” I replied.
We sat in silence for a few minutes, our hands still clasped together but making no move either closer or further apart. Suddenly Tom sat bolt upright,
“Then you have to find out, Carrie.”
The suddenness of his movement seemed to temporarily stun me,
“You have to go to Australia and be with him, even for a few days..” he announced.
I looked at him, still in shock but despite this, some words managed to form at least one question,
“Are you completely insane?”
Tom looked at me excitedly, I felt his hand tighten around mine,
“No Carrie, this makes perfect sense, just listen to me, how else are you ever going to know? Alright, I’m not the right person for you but there will be others, Carrie and are you really going to turn them all down for someone you’ve never even met? Unless you’re going to be a nun, you have to go to Australia and see him, it’s the only way.”
I felt myself lost in the whirlwind of this words, everything he was saying made sense, I knew that on some level..but, still I couldn’t somehow get my thoughts in order, so I resorted to the obvious,
“But Australia is a long way,” I replied weakly.
Tom laughed,
“It’s a plane ride, Carrie, that’s all it is…but if you don’t go, you will never know if what you have with Sky is real.”
It felt just plain weird, at that moment, he was clearly more excited about the prospect of this trip than I was, especially as, only minutes earlier, he had been inviting me back to his place.
“I need to get you home, you have some serious thinking to do..but you’ll see I’m right, Carrie, I know you will.” He started the car and started to drive again, the streets seemed to fly by but at nowhere near the speed of the thou
ghts in my head. I started to think back to all the conversations I had shared with Skylar, how often we had talked about meeting, sharing nights together and what it would be like to just be able to reach out and touch the other. Was Tom right? Was talking all it could ever be? Was that really going to be enough, not just for me but for him too? These and a thousand other questions flew in and out of my mind, I was so preoccupied by them, I didn’t realise we had arrived back at my home until I felt the car come to a halt.
Tom took my hand again, leant over and kissed me lightly on the cheek,
“Goodnight Carrie, you take care of yourself, okay?”
“Goodnight Tom, you too and thank you for today,” I went to move and then paused,
“I am sorry about before,” I said quietly, “I didn’t mean to lead you on.”
Tom smiled,
“No apologies necessary, Carrie, I should be the one apologizing to you really, I have no right to tell you what you should do.”
“We are friends, good friends and you were right, everything you said was true, so don’t be sorry for being honest.”
He looked mischievously at me,
“So will you be off to Australia then?”
I laughed,
“Maybe, Tom.”
He chuckled,
“Told you, you would see it my way.”
I shook my head,
“I said maybe,” I answered, getting out of the car,
“Whatever you say, Carrie!” he called out, as he sped up the road into the darkness.
I opened my front door, still distracted with the thought of even considering going to the other side of the world with half my mind pointing out all the reasons it was a terrible idea, while the other was wondering about the cost of a flight. There was no getting away from the fact, it was undeniably a slightly insane idea, but amidst all the common sense, there was a part of me which found it an almost irresistible concept. I quickly showered and then logged on to Facebook, after all, for all Tom’s wisdom and my cautious excitement, what really mattered now, was what Skylar would say, when I put the idea to him. As it turned out, I had no reason to be worried, as soon as I suggested it, he gasped,
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, I think I am,” I replied, “But only if you’d like us to meet too, I mean, I’m not….”
“Would you be quiet for a minute? Of course I want you to come here, the idea scares the shit out of me and I might well pee my pants too but do I want you here? Absofuckinglutely I do.”
I laughed out loud, as he started to talk excitedly about all the places he wanted to show me, as I listened, I could hear my own voice saying over and over again in my mind,
“You’re flying to Australia, Carrie Sullivan, you’re really going to do it! And you might well not know what’s going to happen, but you’re doing it any way.”
Chapter 12
The next few days were a blur, as I booked a few days holiday, as that was all I was entitled too, and started to try and make some sense of the Australian Immigration website so I could apply for the relevant visa. Every conversation with Skylar now had a new level of excitement, we talked for hours about what we thought might happen when we met, it was as beautiful and as thrilling a time as I could remember. But for all the enjoyment, I knew I still had to tell both Kat and, more importantly, Lainie. I was fairly sure my daughter would be excited for me, even if she did think I was perhaps having some kind of mid-life crisis, but Kat was a different story. I knew she would be harder to convince, so I opted to arrange to meet her for lunch, as I felt being away from work, we would both be slightly more relaxed and I would have more time to explain everything. As it happened, we hadn’t really had much time to catch up, as she had been so heavily involved with the launch, so it would give us time to really share our news. I had missed her, despite the fact we worked in the same place, it seemed our paths had rarely crossed in recent weeks and, aside from anything else, I was anxious to put that right. I arrived early, I had chosen a small Italian place, it was cozy enough to be able to have a conversation without being drowned out by alleged ‘mood music’ but suitable busy, so we couldn’t hear each other eating. Strangely, I felt a bit nervous as I waited for her to arrive, but I knew I could attribute that feeling to the fact, I knew, at some point, I would be forced to defend my trip. As always, just as it looked like she was going to be late, she appeared at the door, I watched her glance around the restaurant and beam when our eyes met,
“Hello stranger, how the hell are you?” she said warmly, somehow managing to hug me and taker her coat off at the same time. Almost as soon as she sat down, the wine I had ordered arrived at our table, accompanied by tow enormous glasses,
“How did you know?” she laughed, she took a large mouthful and settled her glass back on the table.
“How are things with the launch?” I asked.
“Oh it’s been mad, sweetheart, I’m starting to think I’m having an affair with Diana, every time I look around, she’s there!”
I laughed,
“It can’t be that bad, you always exaggerate.”
Kat pulled a face,
“Me? How very dare you! If you weren’t paying for lunch, I’d walk out in disgust right now.”
“I don’t remember saying I was paying,” I playfully protested.
She was about to respond when a young waiter appeared with the menus, I saw Kat look him up and down as he walked away from the table,
“Excuse me, aren’t you married?” I asked with mock severity, Kat smiled,
“Only window-shopping, anyway, why would I go out for a burger when I have a steak at home?”
Our conversation paused momentarily as we examined the menu,
“So aside from the waiter, what would you like to eat, Kat?”
Kat sighed,
“Oh I can’t decide, just order two of everything, as long as it’s edible.”
I placed the order and poured us both another glass of wine,
“So Carrie, what’s going on with you?” Kat asked, “I hope you managed to keep your hands off Tom.”
I nodded,
“We had a good day, but slept in our own beds, Mum.”
She frowned at the exaggerated emphasis on the last word,
“You’re hilarious, you know that, don’t you?”
“A lot of people find me charming,” I answered, again Kat was about to reply when the waiter reappeared with two steaming plates of delicious-looking pasta. As I took my first mouthful, I noticed Kat hadn’t even picked up her fork, instead she was looking at me with more than a suggestion of suspicion,
“Something wrong?” I asked, feeling slightly uneasy.
“So Carrie, what’s going on?” she asked directly, I almost began to say I had no idea what she meant, but one more look at her face showed, this would be a foolish strategy, so I put my fork down too.
“I have something to tell you..” I began, an unmistakable look of triumph glinted in her dark eyes,
“I knew it! Come on, out with it!” she exclaimed, I sighed and carefully explained, I wanted her to listen to the whole story before she made even the slightest comment. After a few moments, I did manage to extract a promise from her, so after pouring her another glass of wine, I began. I told her about what happened with Tom, what he had said about Skylar and then finished with my decision to fly to Australia to meet him. As she had promised, Kat remained silent, in fact, there was no expression at all on her face, not a flicker of movement. When I picked up my own glass, she obviously took this as a sign, it was her turn to speak,
“So let me get this straight, you are intending to fly across the world, alone, to meet a complete stranger to find out how you feel..” she said slowly, her tone almost devoid of any discernible emotion.
“I know it sounds a bit out there,” I replied, “but…”
“But nothing Carrie, this is fucking crazy, the fact you’re even thinking about doing this is beyond madness,” she continued,
“ I can’t even begin to say how potentially dangerous this is..”
She shook her head, took another large gulp of wine and looked at me in obvious disbelief,
“I know how it sounds, Kat, but I have to go..I have to know if this thing with Skylar is real..I just have to,” my voice sounded small, even to me, because I needed her to understand. She looked quizzically at me,