Frailty: a haunting psychological page-turner

by Betsy Reavley

  ‘You’re very big.’ She examines her six foot three uncle.

  ‘And you’re very small.’ He ruffles her hair.

  ‘No I’m not. I’m a big girl,’ Gracie corrects him.

  ‘Not too big for this,’ Alex sweeps her up over his head so that she is sitting on his shoulders. Gracie giggles with delight.

  ‘I’m going to see if Mum needs a hand.’ I leave the two of them to bond uninterrupted.

  As I open the door to the kitchen my nostrils are flooded with the smell of meat cooking. My mother has her back to me and is standing over the stove, stirring something furiously in a pot.

  ‘Hi Mum.’

  She whips round to face me, her cheeks flushed red from the heat.

  ‘You’ve arrived.’ My mother was always one for stating the obvious.

  ‘Safe and sound.’

  ‘I’m just cooking us all a nice meal.’ The front of her floral apron is dusted with a fine layer of flour.

  ‘Do you need any help?’

  ‘All under control.’ She returns to stirring whatever is bubbling in the pot.

  ‘So,’ I’m desperate to try and fill the awkward silence, ‘how’ve you been?’

  ‘Busy. I’m taking a much more active role in the parish council. We’re trying to raise money to fix the church roof. It’s in an awful state.’

  What neither of us mentions is the fact that my twin in buried in the graveyard of the church Mum is talking about. It was after she died that Mum found solace in religion. Her problem was that she put too much time and effort into the church and not enough into focusing on what she already had – me.

  ‘I’m glad you’ve got a hobby.’ My bitterness is not lost on her.

  ‘How’s Danny?’ She continues stirring the pot while changing the subject.

  ‘Couldn’t be better.’ I drink half the glass of wine in one go. ‘We are all doing really well.’

  ‘I’m pleased to hear it, love.’

  Slamming the glass down on the kitchen surface makes mum jump, but gets her attention.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ she rubs her hands on her apron looking genuinely confused.

  ‘What’s the matter?! Are you fucking kidding me?’ She never likes it when I swear and glares at me. ‘My daughter is gone. I don’t know where she is, or who took her or if she’s even alive. She has been missing for months now and my family is falling to pieces. You ask how Danny is. Really? Do you not know the answer to that question already?’

  ‘Well, Libby, I knew you’d talk about it in your own time. I didn’t want to pry.’

  ‘She’s your granddaughter for fuck’s sake! And you haven’t even said hello to Gracie yet. What the hell is wrong with you? I thought of all people you would understand what I am going through.’

  My raised voice has meant that Alex has come into the room to investigate.

  ‘What do you want me to say, Elizabeth?’

  ‘I don’t know. Something. Anything that tells me you actually give a shit.’

  ‘Come on,’ Alex tries to defuse the situation.

  ‘No. I won’t be hushed by you. I came here for some support but all I’ve got is an earful from Dad and disregard from Mum. I’ve only been here for five fucking minutes.’

  Then the tears come. Alex puts his arm around my shoulder and ushers me into the hallway.

  ‘How do you stand it, living here?’

  ‘Dad’s watching Gracie. It’s OK. Take five minutes to yourself. You’re in a state.’

  ‘You don’t say.’ I manage a mumble through my sobs.

  ‘I wish you’d told me you’re not coping.’

  ‘What good would that do? You can’t change anything.’

  ‘I should help out more. Come and visit.’

  ‘No offence but I’ve got all the help I need. Danny’s parents have been wonderful. I knew I couldn’t rely on Mum and Dad to be of any use. I know you all live miles away and it’s not as easy, but other people’s parents would have moved heaven and earth to be of help. Hope is their first grandchild. I am their child. I know things have always been tricky but if ever there was a time for them to step up, surely it should be now.’

  ‘You’re right, Lib. I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘I think I’m going to go and check into a B&B for a couple of nights before going back to Cambridge. It was stupid to come here. I don’t know what I was expecting. Danny kept pushing me to come.’

  ‘Well I’m pleased to see you. I don’t want you to go.’

  ‘I can’t stay here, Al. I just can’t.’

  ‘OK. I understand.’ His dark blue eyes look sad.

  ‘I’m going to go and say bye to Dad and get Gracie. Sorry, I didn’t mean to come here and cause trouble.’

  ‘I’ve missed you.’ Alex hugs me and I start to forget my anger. ‘I’ve got an idea, why don’t we go to the pub, The King’s Arms, in Luxulyan. They do decent food, better than Mum’s,’ he adds in a whisper, ‘and they have rooms. We can get some dinner and have a few drinks. What do you say?’

  ‘Mum won’t be happy.’

  ‘Is she ever?’ Alex chuckles.

  Hope

  I’ve not heard the voice for ages now. I keep looking up at where I think it came from but it’s not there and neither is Zoe. She’s gone for good. I know that now. I’m all alone in this place and I feel more scared now than I have done before because I know someone is watching me. Even though I don’t hear them anymore I know they are there. Maybe they have been there the whole time.

  If only I could remember how I got here. It’s all blurry, a bit like when you wake up in the morning and for a minute you aren’t sure where you are because you’ve been dreaming. Then you rub your eyes and look around and it takes a little while for you to get used to the world because you’ve been somewhere else, somewhere very different from the place you’ve woken up in. That’s what it feels like all the time because I can’t see.

  For the first time since being put in the darkness I wonder if maybe I am blind and it’s not that the world is black, it’s that my eyes don’t work anymore. Maybe someone hurt my eyes.

  Slowly I raise my hands to my face and run my fingertips over the space where my eyes should be and without meaning to I end up touching my eyeball, which hurts a lot but I’m happy because it means that my eyes are working and it’s just that it’s too dark to see. And it gets me thinking about that voice. How can they see me in the dark? Maybe there is one of those things that makes everything look green and can see in the dark. I remember seeing it on a programme about animals when they had to film at night because that’s when the badgers come out.

  I’m happy I have remembered the badgers because I like them. They look cute, a bit like dogs and it’s a change to think about something nice and not be scared. But then it makes me think of something that I hadn’t thought about before. Maybe I’m underground, like in a place where badgers live. And I think that if I am then it will be really hard for Mummy and Daddy to find me because I could be anywhere in the world but for some reason I think I am still in England. It smells like England in here.

  My eye is still sore and I can feel it is streaming with water since I put my finger in it. Then I stop and realise actually I am crying because I’ve wet myself again and not only does it hurt but I know I am sitting in a puddle of my own wee.

  Danny

  ‘I’ve got him. Are you at the place?’ I’m holding a pay-as-you-go mobile between my ear and my shoulder as I drive at a snail’s pace down the small dirt track.

  ‘Right. I should be there soon. I think I’m close now. See you in a bit.’ I lift my head letting the phone drop into my lap and peer through the windscreen trying to make out a familiar landmark in the darkness. There are no street lamps in this part of the world. Only sheep live out here. Occasionally I meet one on the track who looks startled by the bright lights from the van and skips away.

  It feels as if I’ve been crawling along this track forever and every time
I drive over a pothole I am terrified that it is going to wake him up from his drug-induced slumber. I don’t think I’d cope that well with an angry and probably scared man flailing about in the back. Luckily I remembered what Lara had told me about intravenously injecting him.

  Just then I spot what must be the crumbling cottage because there is light coming from inside. My pulse quickens as I put my foot on the accelerator, eager to get there, although I know what’s waiting for me.

  I drive the van around the back of the decaying building and park it. Getting out I stretch my legs after the six-and-a-half-hour drive from Ickleton to this place in the middle of nowhere. I only stopped once for a pee and didn’t allow myself any other breaks since I was nervous someone might discover that I have a man tied up in the back of the van.

  It is bitterly cold and my breath frosts up into a cloud. Above, the night sky is thick with stars and I stop for a moment to absorb the beauty in the world before turning my back on it to face the ugly task I have begun.

  The disused shepherd’s cottage is situated between Cleish, which is about ten kilometres north of Dunfermline, and the Loch Glow Reservoir. It hasn’t been used for decades, which is why it’s the perfect place to bring my prisoner.

  A warm yellow light is coming from inside and I peer in through the grubby window to make sure I’m not going to be greeted by an unexpected stranger. What I see is a chair placed in the middle of the room, a table with a bucket of water on it and a gas lamp sitting on a small table. On the far side of the room Simon is leaning against the wall chewing his fingernails. Rapping lightly on the glass I watch as he jumps and then frowns at me with disapproval before nodding in the direction of the entrance.

  ‘You scared the shit out of me.’ Simon scowls before hugging me. ‘How did it go?’

  ‘He’s in the back of the van.’ I shrug, not knowing what else to say.

  ‘I guess that stuff Lara got you worked then.’

  ‘He’s out for the count. I shat myself when it came to putting the needle in but I did what she said and it seemed to work.’

  ‘Benefits of having a vet for a girlfriend.’

  ‘As it turns out. I really don’t want any of this coming back to her. You know, if we get caught or something.’ I grimace.

  ‘Me either.’ Simon sounds nervous. ‘And no one saw you?’

  ‘No. No one saw me. I ditched my phone too. I’ve seen enough on the box to know that those things have GPS tracking.’

  ‘Good then. That’s good I guess.’

  ‘Is it?’

  ‘You’re having second thoughts?’

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘I don’t know. This is your show, mate. You decide what happens next.’

  ‘Christ.’ I bunch my fists and hit the wall splitting the skin on my knuckles. ‘This isn’t me.’ Simon stares blankly back. ‘I don’t kidnap people. This is insane.’

  ‘You can drive him back if you want. Drop him off somewhere near his shop. As long as he doesn’t see your face, no harm done.’

  I let out a long sigh and turn my attention to the chair that sits in the middle of the room.

  ‘I have to. For Hope, for Lib and for Gracie. We need her back Si, or at least some answers. We deserve that much, don’t we?’

  ‘Course mate. I’ll help, like I said I would. Just let me know if you want to do this or not.’

  Looking at my old friend I wonder how on earth we ended up here. Simon and I used to go to Amsterdam to smoke pot. We went interrailing around Europe trying to get laid. We aren’t violent people. But my desperation has led me to this point and I know that there is no going back.

  ‘Let’s get him out of the van.’ I check my watch. ‘He’ll start to come round soon.’

  ‘Yes Dan, all right. Let’s do this.’ Simon does a good job of faking confidence.

  ‘I appreciate everything you’ve done so far but you don’t have to do this. You can leave. Just walk out of here and pretend you never knew. This is my fight, not yours.’

  ‘That little girl means the world to me too. I’m not going anywhere.’ He leans across and pats my shoulder firmly with his hand. Simon was appointed her not official godfather, since we never had her christened.

  Moved by his show of loyalty I nod silently, not wanting to crumble.

  ‘Right,’ I have to remain stoic, ‘you take his legs and I’ll hold his arms. Once we get him in here we’ll tie him to the chair.’

  ‘Got it.’ Simon rubs his hands together in an attempt to battle the cold.

  ‘He’s got a bag over his head so even if he is awake he won’t know who we are until we’re ready.’

  ‘I’ve made sure the place is prepped, just like we planned.’

  ‘OK. Let’s do this.’

  The dilapidated shepherd’s hut is hardly warm but stepping back out into the freezing December night I catch my breath. I suppose the gas light in the building was giving off some heat and the walls protected us from the angry wind that blows across the black hills.

  ‘Ready?’ Simon stands poised by the boot of the van.

  ‘Ready as I’ll ever be.’ I remove the keys from my pocket and with a trembling hand fiddle to fit them into the lock. ‘Even if he’s awake it shouldn’t be a problem. He’s bound with cable ties.’

  ‘This sounds like something out of a really bad B-movie.’ Simon, the actor, pulls a face helping to ease the tension.

  With a click the door pops open and we listen for any sounds of life. Silence. I open the door a few more inches and peer into the darkness. A lifeless figure lies static on the floor of the van.

  ‘He’s still out.’ Simon whispers. ‘That’s good.’

  ‘Let’s get him inside.’ Reaching into the van I grab his ankles and begin to pull the dead weight towards me.

  ‘Fat fucker.’ Simon puffs joining in.

  Despite there being two of us to carry Amit, his body rolls out of the van and onto the cold hard ground with a thud.

  ‘Shit!’ I take a step back terrified that he is in fact dead.

  ‘Feel for a pulse.’ Simon says beginning to panic and following his instruction I bend down over the body and pull his jumper back to reveal his wrist.

  ‘He’s alive.’ I breathe a sigh of relief and sit back, suddenly aware of the beads of sweat running down my neck. ‘Come on, help me lift him.’ I hook my hands under his armpits.

  ‘OK, OK,’ Simon’s breathing is erratic.

  ‘Take his legs. Ready, one, two, three.’ Together we manage to heave the figure up off the ground and stumble back towards the building, struggling not to drop the heavy weight.

  Once inside we lower Amit to the floor as carefully as we can before both falling back breathless.

  ‘Now all we have to do is get him onto the chair.’ Simon chuckles and I am so glad my friend is with me. I could not have done this alone.

  ‘I thought I was fit.’ Wiping the sweat from my forehead with my jacket sleeve I do my best to keep calm.

  ‘Yes, mate, with all that tennis you play, you should be.’

  ‘Haven’t picked up my racket since Hope was taken.’

  ‘Sorry. Should have thought.’ Simon rubs the back of his neck and opens a bottle of water, draining a third of the contents before offering it to me. I thankfully accept the drink and relish the icy cold liquid running down my throat.

  ‘Right,’ I screw the lid as tightly as I can, trying to put off the inevitable. ‘Let’s do this.’

  Libby

  When I wake up in the small twin room of The King’s Arms it takes me a moment to get my bearings. I’m supposed to be waking up in my parents’ spare bedroom. Then I remember last night and the argument with Mum. Rolling over I bury my face in my pillow wishing I could go back to sleep. Then I realise Gracie is tucked up close to me, her face half covered by the duvet. She must have crawled in during the night.

  Turning carefully so not to wake her, I reach out of bed for my mobile that is lying on the floor charging.
The room is still cloaked in darkness and I squint at the screen hoping to see a message from Danny. Nothing.

  The time on the phone reads eight-fifty. Where the hell is he? Why hasn’t he called me back? I sent him a message late last night telling him I’d checked into the pub because of my falling-out with Mum. He’s an early bird, never up later than eight so why hasn’t he texted? Bringing the phone to my ear I try and call him again. I feel so far away from him. I want to hear his voice but again the phone goes straight to the answerphone. I can’t be bothered to leave another message or and I don’t want to risk waking Gracie, who is snoring lightly due to a slight cold.

  The room is grey and tired, longing for some sunshine. A television from another century sits bulky on an orange pine chest of drawers that has seen better days. A fine layer of dust covers the TV’s silver plastic top. This is not where I am meant to be.

  I had a good evening catching up with Alex. I do love my brother. He’s a good person, kind and witty. I wish we saw more of each other. He’s great with Gracie, a natural, and will no doubt make a good father one day, if he ever settles down.

  Doing my best not to replay in my mind the confrontation I had with Mum I decide to slide out of bed as carefully as possible and go for a wash. Shifting the cover away from my body the cold temperature of the air gives me a shock. I tuck the duvet tightly around Gracie and adjust her position slightly so that she won’t fall out of bed. Then I make a dash towards the en suite and start to run a bath.

  As a powerful gush of steaming water chokes its way out of the tap I dread the drive home. It’s such a long way and Gracie doesn’t sleep in the car as much as she used to, but I’m desperate to get home to Danny. Sitting on the edge of the bath watching the steam rise, fighting with the cold air, I decide we’ll stop off for a night somewhere on the way home. I promised Gracie some fun and that is what she’s going to get.

  Tiptoeing back into the bedroom I take my phone off the floor and search the internet for a suitable place to stop. I find a lovely but expensive hotel in Bath that has a pool and decide to treat us to a night there. Gracie loves the water: she’s a real water baby.