by Ann Fessler
11. New Hampshire, Department of State, Division of Vital Records Administration. Monthly tally of requests online: http://www.sos.nh.gov/vitalrecords/Preadoption%20birth%20records.html#progress; see Track the Numbers: Preadoption Stats.
12. United States Department of Health and Human Services, “U.S. Surgeon General’s Family History Initiative.” Surgeon General Richard Carmona declared Thanksgiving 2004 the first annual National Family History Day and encouraged families to talk about health problems that run in their family when they gather for the holiday. The Web site comes with a computerized downloadable tool to assist individuals in creating a portrait of their family’s health. See http://www.hhs.gov/familyhistory/. See also Vice Admiral Richard Carmona and Major Daniel Wattendorf, “Personalizing Prevention: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Family History Initiative,” American Family Physician (January 2005).
CHAPTER 10: TALKING AND LISTENING
1. E-mail response to article “RISD Artist’s Project on Adoptees, Birth Mothers Hits ‘Close to Home,’” by Marion Davis, Providence Journal, October 28, 2002, A-1, A-4.
2. E-mail response to article “The Girls Who ‘Went Away,’” by Bella English, Boston Globe, July 28, 2003, B-5, B-10.
3. E-mail response to radio program, The Connection, WBUR Boston and NPR, “The Women Who Went Away,” aired August 5, 2003, hosted by Lyse Doucet.
4. Anonymous message left in comment book at Everlasting exhibition, January–March 2003, Decker Gallery, Maryland Institute College of Art, Baltimore, MD.
5. E-mail response to Davis article “RISD Artist’s Project on Adoptees, Birth Mothers Hits ‘Close to Home.’”
6. E-mail response to English article “The Girls Who ‘Went Away.’”
7. Parliament of Tasmania, Joint Select Committee, 1999. “Adoption and Related Services: 1950–1988,” 10.
8. Ibid., 13.
9. Ibid., 11.
10. Parliament of Tasmania, Joint Select Committee, 1999. “Adoption and Related Services: 1950–1988,” Statement About Adoption by the Australian Association of Social Workers, June 12, 1997, 10.
11. E-mail response to English article “The Girls Who ‘Went Away.’”
Acknowledgments
When I first began collecting the oral histories contained herein, writing a book was far from my mind. I had been producing short films, and audio-video installations on the subject of adoption for fifteen years. As a complement to the visual work, I often invited others to write about their experience of adoption and then published or posted their stories in conjunction with the exhibitions. Although the stories written by adoptive parents and adoptees were very moving, those contributed by the mothers who had surrendered children were so powerful that they transformed my understanding of adoption.
I began to tape-record the stories of these mothers in 2002. I initiated the oral-history project because I felt it was imperative that the stories be chronicled before they were lost to history, and that they be preserved in an archive to be available to future generations of sociologists and historians. This preservation is now ensured. The tapes of the interviews will ultimately reside in the Arthur and Elizabeth Schlesinger Library on the History of Women in America at Harvard University alongside the papers of notable women, including Susan B. Anthony, Amelia Earhart, Betty Friedan, and Emma Goldman. I am grateful to the Schlesinger Library for their commitment to preserving this collection and to Kathryn Allamong Jacob, curator of manuscripts, in particular, for her interest.
I intended the stories not only for an oral-history archive but also for use in audio installations and an independent film that would allow me to bring the voices of the mothers to an audience. The first interviews were made possible as part of an artists’ residency and exhibition at the Maryland Institute College of Art. Curator-in-residence George Ciscle led a team of thirty students and their seven professional mentors in a year-long project that provided the resources and expertise necessary to create the first Everlasting exhibition using the recorded voices. I am immensely grateful to George for this opportunity. I know of no finer curator or educator than George Ciscle. It was he who understood the logic and symmetry of creating the first audio work at the college where it all began—where I had met the woman who thought I might be the daughter she surrendered.
In 2003 I was awarded a Radcliffe Fellowship from the Radcliffe Institute for Advanced Study at Harvard University to expand the oral-history project, conduct research, and produce a new region-specific audio-video installation. I am indebted to the Radcliffe Institute for this fellowship, which provided a year of uninterrupted time and contributed significantly to the development of the book. I am grateful to Judy Vichniac, director of the Fellowship Program, and to Drew Gilpin Faust, dean of the Radcliffe Institute, for the incredibly rich, stimulating, and supportive interdisciplinary environment they have created for the Radcliffe fellows, and to Lindy Hess, publishing consultant, Radcliffe Institute, for her advice and encouragement. I also want to thank the Radcliffe Research Partnership Program and Christine DeLucia for her research assistance. And a special thanks to Karen Walker, who volunteered countless hours and was an invaluable help to me during my fellowship year.
Since the inception of this multifaceted endeavor, many individuals and institutions have provided much-needed assistance. Foremost, I want to thank my home institution, Rhode Island School of Design. Without the support I received through an academic research leave, I could not have participated in the Radcliffe Fellowship Program, or spent the following year traveling to conduct interviews around the country and writing the book. I would like to thank four individuals in particular: Jay Coogan, acting provost; John Terry, dean of Fine Arts; Michael Schrader, former assistant director of corporate and foundation relations; and Ann Hudner, director of external relations.
I am also indebted to the organizations that provided financial assistance with the transcription costs: the Rhode Island State Council for the Humanities and the Pembroke Center for Teaching and Research on Women.
It was early in my fellowship year at the Radcliffe Institute that the idea of presenting the oral histories in book form first surfaced. I would like to thank Fred Seidel for introducing me to my agent, Andrew Wylie, who was incredibly supportive from the start. At The Penguin Press I have had the pleasure of working with a great team, led by Ann Godoff, president and publisher, and including Tracy Locke, associate publisher; Abigail Cleaves, senior publicist; Darren Haggar, art director; Amanda Dewey, senior designer; and Evan Gaffney, who designed the jacket. My editor, Emily Loose, has been an absolute joy to work with. Emily’s sensitivity to the material and her expertise and intelligence as an editor have focused my ramblings and expanded my thinking.
All artists and writers who delve deeply into a project, neglecting all else in the process, know that it is a nearly impossible task without the generosity and encouragement of one’s partner. I am grateful every day to have such a partner in my husband, Peter Andersen, who has given up a tremendous amount of the little free time he has to help with this project. His feedback, support, and love keep me afloat.
Lastly, my deepest gratitude is reserved for the women who were willing to share their life stories and who trusted me with their most intimate thoughts and experiences. My chief regret is that I could not include passages from the story of every woman I interviewed. The most painful part of writing this book was the requisite editing out of equally compelling stories. Thank you Ann, Anne, Annie, Barbara, Becky, Bette, Bonnie, Carol, Carol, Carole, Carole, Carolyn, Carolyn, Cathy, Cathy, Charlene, Charlenea, Charlotte, Christine, Claudia, Connie, Connie, Connie, Deborah, Debra, Denise, Diane, Diane, Diane, Diane, Dorothy, Dorothy, Edith, Gale, Gloria, Glory, Helen, Hilary, Jane, Janet, Jeannette, Jennifer, Jill, Joan, Joanna, Jonette, Joyce, Joyce, Judith, Judith, Judith, Judith, Karen, Karen, Kathi, Kathleen, Laurie, Laurinda, Leigh, Leslie, Linda, Linda, Linda, Lydia, Lynne, Madeline, Maggie, Margaret, Marge, Marjorie, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, MaryAnn, Mauree
n, Maureen, Nancy, Nancy, Nancy, Nellie, Pam, Pamela, Pamela, Pollie, Rachael, Renee, Ronnie, Rose, Ruth, Sandy, Sandy, Serena, Sheila, Shelley, Sheryl, Sue, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, Suzanne, Toni, Wendy, and Yvonne. Your generosity astounds me. I only hope that I have done justice to your stories.
Index
abandonment:
of child, 11, 291
mother’s feelings of, 7, 18, 78, 138, 157, 162
abortion:
counseling after, 296
illegal, 44, 56, 110
legalization of, 7
trauma of, 53
abstinence, 37, 38, 44–45
Adopted Break Silence, The (Paton), 250
adoptees:
birth certificates of, 4, 248–49, 258
conflicting loyalties of, 63, 263, 264, 320
family histories for, 316
feelings of being unwanted, 11, 291
finding their mothers, 51–52, 63, 95, 124–25, 130, 241–42, 248, 252, 253–54, 263, 267–68, 292, 306, 307–8, 314, 320–28; see also reunion
and medical issues, 130, 259–60, 263, 304, 317
nonidentifying information given to, 64, 249
pictures of, 130, 212, 269
reluctant to meet, 259, 283
Adoptees’ Liberty Movement Association (ALMA), 193, 225, 251
adoption:
building social acceptance of, 183–85
by celebrity couples, 183
in child’s best interest, 128, 148, 149, 171, 188, 198, 211, 244, 299
emotional consequences of, 205, 208
as feeling like amputation, 283
giving baby up for, see relinquishment
increasing occurrence of, 8, 183
letters to author about, 288–93, 299–300
as only option, 9–11, 81, 97, 103, 143, 153, 160, 161, 190, 274, 281
open, 189, 249–50, 317
race and, 62–63, 108, 110
signing papers for, 22–23, 82, 170–71, 179, 181, 186–87, 192–93, 199–200, 282, 300, 304, 315
by single mothers, 117–18, 189
as social solution, 148–50, 183, 185, 205, 208
state laws regarding, 53, 248–49, 258, 315–16
today, 188–89
adoption agency:
false papers filed with, 129–30
false statements made by, 151, 154, 182–83, 185–86, 187, 325
information kept secret by, 194
and medical issues, 223, 259–60, 317
reunions facilitated by, 249–50
social workers in, see social workers
Adoption Jigsaw, 293
adoptive fathers, absent, 125, 182
adoptive mothers:
alcohol use by, 124, 125
honor to, 132
protection of, 63
unable to bear children, 1–2, 118, 154
adoptive parents:
bonding with their babies, 179
divorces of, 151, 152, 182
false statements made about, 151, 154, 182–83, 187, 325
financial situations of, 152
marriage as qualifying factor of, 151–52, 163
openness of, 4, 189, 292
African Americans, 107–10, 116–17
American Adoption Congress (AAC), 248
anger, 121, 131, 208, 209, 211, 214, 240–41, 269, 277–78, 285, 306, 310
Ann, 106–7, 152, 180–81, 188, 207, 219
Annie, 24–27, 112–13
Australia, adoption issues in, 293–94
authority, respect for, 25, 78, 161, 209
babies:
biracial, 62–63, 110
bonding with, 20–21, 143, 159, 176–77, 179–80, 199, 230, 258, 263–64
expenses of, 22–23, 87, 91–92, 136–38, 150, 160, 187, 192, 274
loss of, 13, 53, 208, 309, 310
as miniature persons, 153
mothers not to see, 176–77, 191, 192, 194, 282
mothers unable to be near, 215, 217
as only child of their mothers, 217–18, 242–43, 263, 303–4
in purgatory, 17
rejection of, 91, 121, 124, 210
saying good-bye to, 21, 61, 92, 160, 170–71, 178–79, 239–40
seeing, 20–21, 50, 61, 89, 170, 176–77, 179, 180, 192, 199, 229–30, 274, 304, 314
as taken away, 12, 132, 178, 187, 191–92, 219, 236, 290, 304–5, 308
trying to replace, 193, 195, 215, 216, 232, 236
unwanted, 10–11, 183, 185, 291
wanting to keep, 69, 86, 91, 147, 148–49, 185–86, 192, 280, 290
baby’s birth:
depression following, 20, 21, 131, 153, 200, 202, 209, 210, 211, 283, 305
different life after, 50, 52, 153, 171, 200, 202, 207–45, 305
mothers unprepared for, 121, 158, 175–76, 180, 181, 229, 239
procedures, 19, 49–50, 60–61, 88–89, 158–59, 169–70, 175–76, 191, 199, 229, 282
Baird, William, 43
Barbara, 30–31, 44, 74, 76–77, 221, 247
Barrett, Robert, 148–49
Bastard Nation, 249
bastards, 11, 87, 191, 198, 314
Bea (scholarship), 145–46, 153
Becky, 37–38
betrayal, 242–44, 268
Bette, 44–45
birth certificates, 4, 248–49, 258
birth control:
abstinence, 37, 38, 44–45
access to, 7–8, 29, 40–43
doctor’s visit required for, 41–42
ignorance about, 24, 29, 37, 42, 43–45, 55, 296
as illegal, 40–41, 43
information handed down to next generation, 40
and moral judgments, 40–42
rhythm method, 44, 45
and sex education, 296–97, 317
withdrawal, 44
birth control pill, 41, 43, 203
birth mothers, see mothers
Bonnie, 71, 213, 252
Buxton, C. Lee, 43
Cambell, Lee, 225
Carol I, 10, 36, 113–14, 185–86
Carol II, 33–34
Carole I, 29, 136, 141–42
Carole II, 10, 108–9, 220, 223–24, 297–98
Carolyn I, 38–39, 176, 212, 261–63
cars, parking in, 30–31, 197
Catholic Charities, 63, 134, 137–38, 194–95, 234–35, 253
Catholic Church:
abstinence preached by, 44–45
adoptive family in, 17, 59
flexible rules in, 190
homes for unwed mothers run by, 47, 58–60
priests’ advice, 16–17, 69–70, 97, 134
sex not talked about in, 122
Catholic Social Services, 86, 94
Catholic Welfare, 265
Cathy I, 69
Cathy II, 10, 42–43, 74, 118, 209, 250, 266–67
Charlenea, 178, 264–65
Christine, 117–18, 151, 175, 218–19, 269–70
Claudia, 54–66
communism, fear of, 111, 122–23
Comstock, Anthony, 40–41, 43
Comstock Law, 40–41
Concerned United Birthparents, 193–94, 204–5, 225
conformity, social pressure of, 9–11, 102, 104–7, 111, 112, 123–24, 148, 197, 211
Connie I, 187
Connie III, 75, 177, 208–9, 222
contraceptives, see birth control
counseling:
to deal with decision, 97, 153, 223, 235–36, 296
to deal with emotions, 96–97, 177, 181, 193, 203, 204, 222–24, 292
to deal with family issues, 128–29, 131
to deal with grief and loss, 52, 83, 141, 235–36, 283, 309, 316
to deal with nightmares, 222
unavailable to mothers, 9, 152, 158, 175, 181, 236, 239
Crittenton League, see Florence Crittenton system
date rape, 33–34, 107, 115, 237–38
Deborah, 101, 140, 219–20, 251–52
denial, 34, 36, 37, 43, 48, 56,
91
Diane I, 69–70
Diane II, 103–4, 181–82, 215
Diane IV, 9, 12–13, 34–35, 210, 225–26
divorce, social stigma of, 112, 113
DNA testing, 77
Dorothy II, 14–23
double standard, 8–9, 19, 34, 36, 37, 45, 74–75, 76, 77, 168, 297, 314
Edith, 103
Education Amendments Act (1972), 72
Eisenstadt v. Baird, 43
Eleanor, 5–6, 319–28
Empty Arms, 225
extended families, 109, 110
“fallen women,” 133–34
fathers:
abuse by, 71, 109
adoption arrangements made by, 127–28
as already married, 313
blame not assigned to, 9, 34, 36, 45, 74–75, 76, 168, 297, 314
denial by, 56, 77
emotional consequences for, 75, 257, 303
as first love, 164, 199, 279
and medical issues, 259–60, 317
no subsequent contact with, 59
not interested in reunion, 285
not ready for marriage, 68–70, 85–86, 120
not using condoms, 15, 24, 37, 38, 42, 44, 45
other pregnancies caused by, 76–77, 273
paying part of costs, 136, 137
reunion with, 65–66, 200, 255–56, 307
spreading stories, 80
supportive, 305
visits not allowed with, 140
walking away, 25, 68, 97, 229, 290
wanting to marry, 185, 197, 200, 303
wife and family of, 65–66
fathers of baby’s mother:
decisions made by, 86, 190, 280–81
and getting a job, 90, 92, 93
regrets of, 317
supportive, 60, 86, 104, 156
feeblemindedness, 144, 147
Fessler, Ann, 1–6, 319–28
Fisher, Florence, 225, 251
Florence Crittenton system, 144–47
changing philosophy of, 133–34, 147, 148–49
counseling offered by, 141
maternity homes of, 108, 134, 136, 138–39, 141, 150, 167–69, 273, 325
redemption offered by, 133–34
and reunion, 264
scholarships available from, 145–47
Ford, Henry, 30
foster homes, 108–9, 110, 178, 182, 185, 304