Hate to Love You

by Ivy Symone

  Being used for sex and using drugs most of her life had taken a toll on Lailani. Maybe it was the stress, but my mother had three failed pregnancies before I came along. She had met a black man named Benjamin Blackwood that took her in and gave her a job cleaning up office buildings. Once Ben’s wife discovered he was having a little extra time with Lailani, my mother found herself out on the streets once again. However, being pregnant, she was able to obtain government assistance.

  Cayce Homes was a public housing development that I would call home for years. Uneducated and very little English as a second language limited Lailani. Sometimes, I think she just felt so lost that she didn’t try much. The easiest thing was for her to turn to what she knew best: sex and drugs. I was left to look after my baby sister Jovelyn while my mother familiarized herself with the streets of Nashville.

  Jovelyn looked at me with poverty stricken eyes; the kind that were sunken in due to malnutrition. She asked in her delicate voice, “Where’s Mama?”

  I shrugged. We hadn’t seen our mama in three days and it wasn’t even the weekend yet.

  “Is she bringing food for us?” Jovelyn asked.

  Gunshots sounded off. It didn’t sound close enough to be alarmed and worry about Jovelyn’s and my safety, however, I wasn’t sure of Lailani’s whereabouts. She could be anywhere, and bringing food home was probably the furthest thing from her mind.

  I got up from our tattered couch in the living room and went to the kitchen. I knew Jovelyn was hungry. I was too, and this was why it was so important that we went to school every day. There, we were guaranteed breakfast and lunch. If it wasn’t for school, I don’t know what we would have done as far as eating.

  The cabinets were bare except for inedible items such as Crisco and baking powder. Some would probably argue that the roaches that scattered were edible. There was no point in opening the refrigerator because I knew it was empty, unless a food fairy came by while we were in school.

  Looking at the clock sitting on the kitchen counter, I debated on how long it would take us to walk to Corvell’s and Nikki’s neighborhood. Between the two of them, I’m sure I could walk away with some bread, cheese, and lunchmeat. It was five-thirty. It would be dark out by the time we made it back.

  “Put on your shoes and c’mon,” I told Jovelyn.

  It took us forty minutes to reach Corvell’s house. This wasn’t my first time having to do this so I wasn’t ashamed; I was just embarrassed. And from the look on Corvell’s grandmama’s face, she was annoyed with me begging.

  Corvell rolled his eyes and waved his grandmama off behind her back. He grinned at me though and motioned at us to come into the kitchen.

  “I don’t want you to get in trouble,” I whispered.

  “Ain’t nobody thinking ‘bout that old lady with her stingy ass. She don’t spend none of her money for any of these groceries in here no way; my mama do,” he said smacking his lips.

  Corvell and I became friends because we were nerds, but in a cool way. He came from a family with a little money; not much, but enough to live well. His mother was a nurse and was gone most of the time. His grandmama thought she was running the house but Corvell and his siblings weren’t going for it.

  Because of Corvell’s ‘sweet’ ways, most macho-chauvinistic males ostracized him. He had such an outgoing, bubbly personality that most girls welcomed him in their circle; therefore, Corvell was always amongst the popular kids just by association.

  I, on the other hand, was very smart without much effort. I was a serious introvert. Most people assumed I was really shy. I was just quiet and observant. But this was my dilemma: I was poor, so I was looked down upon, however, I was known to be one of the prettiest girls in school. Being half Filipino, I possessed Asian slanted eyes. My complexion was that of caramel cream. I was petite in frame but somehow I got the Blackwoods’ females’ curves. It wasn’t much but it was enough to say I had a decent shape. And what people loved the most was my hair. Unlike Jovelyn’s brownish, curly, wavy, textured hair, mine came out ink black, straight and fine. If it wasn’t for the way I talked most people would assume I was one hundred percent Asian.

  “Yo mama still ain’t came home yet?” Corvell asked. He started packing a canvas tote from the library with various food items.

  I shook my head.

  Corvell plucked a box of raisin creme pies from the top of the refrigerator. He scrunched up his nose and looked over at Jovelyn. “You want these shits? I can’t stand these thangs. They hers but don’t say nothing.”

  I covered my mouth to stifle my laughter. He was giving his grandmama’s raisin crème pies away without asking her first.

  Jovelyn smiled and nodded. I could tell she was excited by the things Corvell was gifting us. She pointed to another box. “Can I have those too?”

  Corvell frowned, “You can’t have my Star Crunch. Sorry sweetie.”

  “Okay,” Jovelyn said defeated. Hopeful, she held up a finger. “Just one?”

  Corvell gave in. He tossed a couple of the snacks into the bag.

  I told him, “That’s enough.”

  “Corvell!”

  He made a face. “What, Granny?”

  “What?” she question offended.

  Corvell groaned and rolled his big eyeballs. “I mean, ma’am.”

  “Whatchu doing in there?”

  “Nothing,” he said. “We just talking.”

  “Don’t be giving that girl all your mama stuff.”

  “Granny, she can hear you, you know that right?” Corvell asked.

  “Good.”

  Corvell whispered, “I hate her. Nobody likes her and that’s why she at our house now.”

  I was used to Corvell’s grandmama not taking kindly to his friends.

  “Where you fixin’ to go now?” Corvell asked with his hand on his hip.

  “I was gonna see what Nikki was doing before we walked back home,” I told him.

  “Well, I’ma walk with you over there,” he said.

  Nikki was the third member of our close knit friendship. She was a nerd too. As far as financial class, she fit somewhere in between Corvell and me. She lived in an apartment complex based on income. She had cousins everywhere! It seemed like she was related to everybody in the city.

  Nikki was real nice. She didn’t make fun of people and she sung in the church’s youth choir. She was always trying to get me to accompany her to some family function or a church event. It would be too many people for me. I attended a couple of things before but I felt so out of place.

  When we arrived at Nikki’s, there were a lot of people hanging out around the breezeways and in the parking areas of the apartments. It was like this all of the time, especially since it had warmed up. With only a few weeks left of school, the energy present was evident that summer was near.

  “Look at y'all!”

  It was Nikki’s voice but we looked around for her as we approached her building. We didn’t see her.

  She laughed, “Right here, dummies!”

  We looked to the window on the first floor at the far right of the building. She was in her window grinning back at us. Instead of heading for her front door we walked over to where she was.

  “What are y'all doing over here?” she asked.

  “Why you talking through the window, stupid?” Corvell asked. “How come you not outside like a normal person.”

  “I can’t go outside. My mama ain’t here and I gotta watch my lil’ sister an’nem,” she said.

  “So, we can’t come in?” Corvell asked giving her the side eye.

  “So my sister can tell my mama? No!” she said incredulously.

  “Hi, Nikki!” Jovelyn grinned waving at the same time.

  “Hey Jovi,” Nikki responded with a smile. She looked at Corvell and said, “You know your brother out there, right?”

  “Who?” Corvell asked. I could hear the aggravation already in his voice. Corvell and his brother didn’t get along. He was closer to his sister for obv
ious reasons.

  Before Nikki could answer, Cory walked over to where we were and immediately started fucking with Corvell.

  “Whatchu doing over here withcho faggot ass,” Cory taunted. He tried to mush Corvell in the head but Corvell wasn’t having it.

  “Go on, Cory!” Corvell warned. “Don’t start with me.”

  “Take yo’ ass home!” Cory growled at him. Then he had the nerve to look at me and grin. “What’s up, Pretty?”

  I rolled my eyes at him. I didn’t like him. Cory was like every other male in our peer group who was uncomfortable with sexuality; therefore, the best way for them to deal with it was by being a bully.

  Now don’t get me wrong; Corvell and Cory were some nice looking guys. They were tall which was why Cory was an all-star athlete. He had college coaches coming to check him out and trying to recruit him to go to their school once he graduated.

  It wasn’t hard to see that the two were related. The Armstrong siblings possessed those big eyeballs that were housed in slanted heavy eyelids. They always looked like they were high or sleepy. They all were a medium pecan color. A lot of girls thought Corvell was cute but would shake their heads because he wasn’t checking for them. But I will say, Corvell hadn’t technically come out, but Nikki and I knew the deal.

  “Oh, so you ain’t gon talk to me?” Cory asked, walking up on me.

  “I’ll talk to ya!” Jovelyn grinned. Poor child. She wanted to be everybody’s friend. She was ten but had a heart of gold despite our circumstances. I didn’t always feel that way but I guess I could learn a thing or two from my younger sister.

  Cory ignored Jovelyn and just kept staring at me. I didn’t have any conversation for him.

  “Leave her alone, Cory,” Corvell ordered. “Don’t nobody wanna talk to your mean ass.”

  Cory was about to respond until someone from a white Expedition called out to him. The Expedition was nice and customized. The low volume of the bass was deep and made me wonder how profound it could get once the volume was turned up. I had seen the Expedition around before but hadn’t paid much attention to it.

  “C’mere, lil’ nigga!” the driver called out.

  Watching Cory jog over to the SUV, Nikki murmured, “Aw hell, he’s back.”

  “Who is that?” I asked.

  Corvell’s eyes grew even bigger than what they were which I didn’t think was possible. “You don’t know them niggas in that truck?”

  I shook my head slowly with uncertainty. “Noooo,” I dragged out. “Should I know them?”

  “They be over in Cayce sometimes,” Corvell said.

  “I mean, I know I’ve seen the truck before but I don’t pay attention to who anybody is,” I said. And I didn’t. I stayed in the house and minded my business. I talked to a few of the grown folks around my building but that was it. There were a ton of drug dealers in the projects that came and went. As long as they left me and Jovelyn alone, I didn’t have to know who they were.

  “So, who are they? And why you say that like that, Nikki?” I asked.

  “Cause, every time they come over here they be starting trouble,” Nikki groaned.

  “They run shit around here,” Corvell mumbled. “And my brother stupid.”

  “What’s he doing with them?” Nikki asked.

  “Probably tryna sell drugs. And if our mama find out she gon’ beat his ass,” Corvell said.

  “He’s stoopid!” Nikki sang.

  The three of us started talking about school stuff while Jovelyn just sort of twirled around in place. Poor child. I think our mama was on drugs while she was pregnant with Jovelyn.

  One of our classmates, Ladonna walked over to us. Two other girls who I knew to be Shameka and Mia accompanied her. They were in the eighth grade too but I really didn’t know them because they were in the ‘not so smart’ classes.

  “Whatchall doing over here?” Ladonna asked placing her hand on her hip. I noticed she had this weird stance like she thought she was cute. She let her legs fall back as if she was bowlegged and jutted her butt out. I mean, Ladonna was known for her big behind anyway; I wasn’t sure why she felt a need to push it out even more.

  “What’s in the bag?” Mia asked. She was actually cute. A lot of boys thought she was pretty. She still rocked a Jerry Curl though. I think she held onto the style because her hair was down her back. She tried to convince people that it was her natural hair but you could smell Right On and Carefree Curl all over her. Besides, she had like two inches of new growth that did not match the texture of her ends.

  “It’s our food,” Jovelyn answered. I shot my sister a look.

  “Food?” Shameka asked with her face frowned up. “In a library bag?”

  To deter them from me, Corvell told Shameka, “You got some white shit around your mouth. Whatchu been eating or sucking on?”

  “Ooh, he slick burned on you,” Ladonna laughed at her friend.

  Shameka wiped at her mouth but you could tell she was embarrassed and irritated.

  “C’mon, Corvell,” I mumbled. “Let’s go.”

  Before we could begin to walk away, Ladonna’s older sister came walking down the sidewalk. She was wearing denim Daisy Dukes and a tight halter-top that showed off her small waist and flat stomach. She seemed to be putting in extra as she walked. Ladonna and her sister Ranessa had banging bodies; I’ll give them that, however, they weren’t the prettiest girls.

  Ranessa was a senior in high school and usually being around a bunch of younger girls was not her style. But for some reason she was joining us at Nikki’s window.

  In a boisterous way, she asked, “What y'all doing?” she scratched in between her box braids with one of her long colorful acrylic nails.

  “Nothing,” Corvell mumbled. He turned his nose up and stared at her hair and asked, “Who did your braids?”

  “My sister did them,” Shameka boasted. “They fye ain’t they?”

  Corvell side eyed them then shot me a look. I giggled.

  “Whatchu tryna say?” Ranessa asked.

  “They cute,” was all Corvell said. He shot me another look this time with widened eyes.

  Nikki started laughing. “Corvell, you’re so stoopid!”

  Cory walked away from the Expedition but the driver decided to whip into one of the parking spaces right in front of where we were.

  The driver, a dark skinned guy wearing dark shades leaned out the window. “C’mere lil’ mama with the braids.”

  We all turned in the direction of the truck; but Ranessa, the only person with braids in our group, pretended to be dumb for a second. She pointed to herself and asked with a slight smile, “Me?”

  “Naw, that other bitch standing beside you with braids,” he said sarcastically. He chuckled, “Yeah, you!”

  We watched Ranessa sashay over to the driver’s side of the truck. Listening to Ranessa giggling, I understood why she came walking over to us. She simply wanted to be seen.

  “Quan talking to your sister,” Mia whispered to Ladonna excitedly.

  The window on the passenger side slowly came down. All we saw was a toasty beige arm with corded veins resting on the door. A chunky silver Figaro link bracelet rested around the wrist. I didn’t know if it was sterling silver, white gold, or platinum; it was just silver to me. The pinky ring reflected the sun’s light off of it.

  Then he stuck his head out. For a split second I was drooling like the other girls but I had to snap out of it. I didn’t have time to get caught up in being boy crazy. I had other problems to worry about like keeping Jovelyn and me from starving.

  “C’mere, Nephia,” he said.

  I knew my eyes grew big. How in the hell did he know my name? That befuddled us all.

  “Me?” I asked.

  “Your name Nephia, ain’t it?” he asked.

  I nodded. Nikki whispered, “You bet not.”

  “Shut up,” Shameka hissed at Nikki. She nudged me forward. “You betta go on. Do you know who that is?”

  I didn�
��t, and in school I was taught not to talk to strangers.

  “C’mere,” he said again. This time the tone of his voice was rather coaxing. He flashed me a smile to reassure me.

  I slowly walked over still holding the library bag. When I stood by the passenger side door I looked at him. Up close he was cuter than what I thought. And damn, he didn’t even have on a shirt. He was cut up in places I didn’t think was possible. The skin of both arms was riddled with tattoos. On his left wrist was a big diamond encrusted Rolex and two chains hung around his neck.

  Just like Corvell, he had those same sleepy/high eyes, except his weren’t near as big. They were slanted but had a very sultry seductive look to them. His jawline was strong but it didn’t take away from his pretty boyish look. He only wore a thin mustache and the hair on his chin was low enough that I could make out he had one of those dimples in the center of it.

  Staring at me with those deep brown eyes had me scared. It wasn’t a fearful feeling, but more so nervousness. There was something very intimidating about this man’s poise.

  “Cory told me your name. Was that a’ight?” he asked.

  I nodded. That made sense.

  He looked down at my body and asked, “You go to Litton?”

  I was still wearing my red, blue, and white gym uniform from school. It had Isaac Litton Middle School all over it. I was wearing it because it was the last period I had in school that day so I didn’t bother changing just to go home.

  I nodded.

  “You a short lil’ thang. How old are you?” he asked.

  “I’m fourteen,” I told him. I was hoping my age would deter him from talking to me but it didn’t. I wasn’t sure how old he was because of his baby face but his body was telling me he was grown or close to it.

  “What are you?”

  “Huh?” I was dumbfounded.

  “What are you? Your ethnicity?” he asked again.

  “Oh, I’m black,” I told him.

  He started laughing. “No the hell you ain’t. Now lie again.”