Hate to Love You

by Ivy Symone

  The first year went well. We fell into a routine. I was comfortable. I was happy that my sister and mama were living well now and wanted for nothing. Lailani had become very healthy and had embraced her role as grandmother wonderfully. While Ada made sure the house was maintained properly, Lailani had become an unofficial nanny so to speak. She loved caring for Marcena. It left me with plenty of time to dedicate to my studies and maintain my four point zero grade average. It also allowed me to be just as active in school as I was before.

  However, something was still missing.

  I didn’t question Marcos about his whereabouts as long as he came home. If he was going out of town, he always told me about it ahead of time. He kept me informed of his comings and goings. And even while he was away, he constantly checked on us, making sure we were okay. When he was home, he spent a great deal of time spoiling Marcena. I had to give it to him; he was a great father. He took pride in being a father. But there was something different that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. It was the way he looked at me sometimes. He had a way of looking at me like I disgusted him. I was beginning to believe he didn’t love me anymore. He rarely told me.

  I was sixteen now. My birthday had been one of the best. Marcos made sure of it. I even got a brand new BMW and of course it had to be white. I didn’t argue with him. I accepted every gift he gave me with no complaints. For the first time, other girls were envious of my life. Marcos kept me nicely dressed, money in my pocket, I had the best of everything, and I blinged from head to toe. People talked about me of course, but I didn’t care. My family was happy and that was all that mattered to me.

  “But are you happy?” Nikki asked me.

  I wasn’t but I couldn’t understand why. I had everything a girl could possibly ask for. I shrugged. “I guess it doesn’t matter.”

  “What do you mean?” she asked me. She turned to me with a look of concern on her face. “You should be happy.”

  We were at the mall as usual. We had taken a break and was eating at one of the tables in the food court. I halfheartedly gnawed on a French fry, “I should be, but sometimes I don’t feel it. I mean, I love that Jovi, Cena, and my mama are happy.”

  “Why are you not happy though?”

  “I think it’s Marcos. I think he doesn’t wanna be married to me anymore.”

  “Well, he shouldn’t have never married you in the first place, ol’ pervert!” she huffed. She saw that her statement annoyed me, so she softened. “I’m sorry. I still think it was odd that he done that. But if you ask me I think he only done it as a way to control you.”

  “How is that?” I wondered.

  “A guy like Marcos likes power. He loves the power he has over you.”

  “But he didn’t have to marry me for that.”

  “No, he didn’t. I think he also married you to make it look better on his part. That way he could legally screw an underage girl on a regular basis.”

  “So, you don’t think any of his motives are genuine when it comes to me?” I asked.

  She shook her head slowly as she considered what she would say next. “I’m not saying that. I mean; it’s obvious he has something for you. He takes damn good care of you.”

  “Yeah, but that’s it,” I said sadly. I tried to remember the last time he and I actually enjoyed one another. It had been a while. Sex was always there but the small intimate quality time was missing.

  “So, what do you want from him, Nephia?” Nikki asked me.

  I shrugged. “I want more attention I guess. He comes and goes all the time. And when he’s home he’s more into Cena than he is into me. And he’s very distant and preoccupied whenever it’s just the two of us in the room.”

  “Talk to him about it. Maybe he doesn’t realize what he’s doing.”

  She had a point. Maybe that was the case. Hell, we were married. It wouldn’t hurt to try talking to him.

  _______

  Later that night, I waited up for him. He came in around eleven. He didn’t acknowledge me even though he saw that I was still awake. He had his phone up to his ear and was talking low. Immediately, I knew it wasn’t one of his friends he was talking to because of the soft tone of his voice. He even laughed a little. His word usage was that of a teasing, flirty, nature. Was he talking to a woman in my presence?

  Instead of taking a shower like he normally would, he was actually gathering some clothes and placing them in an overnight bag.

  I was very confused. I jumped out of bed and approached him in his walk-in closet. I stared at him questioning him with my eyes. He never wavered as he continued to hold his conversation and pack his bag.

  “Marcos?” I finally questioned.

  He said into the phone, “Hey, let me get off this phone and handle something real quick. But I’ll see you in a few.”

  What? Who was he about to see in a few?

  Ending the call, Marcos looked at me as if I had ruined his day. “What?”

  “That’s what I wanna know,” I stated. I looked at his bag. “Where are you going?”

  “Don’t question me, Nephia. How many times I gotta tell you that?”

  Ignoring him, I said, “I know you’re not leaving.”

  “And if I am?” he countered.

  “But where? It’s eleven at night.”

  “I got some business to take care of,” was all he said. He went to grab the bag but something in me refused to let him leave. I snatched it from him.

  “No!” I said firmly. I didn’t want to accept what was happening but deep down I knew what it was without him having to say it. I looked up at him desperately and asked, “Is it another woman you’re going to?”

  Marcos wasn’t trying to hear that. He snatched his bag back from me and shoved me out of the way. “Go on, Nephia. Take yo ass back to bed.”

  “But what did I do wrong, Marcos?” I cried.

  “What the fuck you mean?”

  “Why are you doing this to me?”

  “I haven’t done anything to you, yet,” he said. I could hear the threat in his voice.

  “But you’re leaving home to go be with another woman.”

  “Where the fuck you think I am all the other times?” he asked me as if I was stupid.

  Was he admitting to me that he was seeing other women?

  I swallowed the hard lump that had formed in my throat. “Are you cheating on me, Marcos?”

  “Yeah,” he answered without hesitation. He gave me a daring look. “And tonight, I’m going over there.”

  I didn’t know what else to do but cry. His brutal honesty hit me hard and drained my spirit so fast. I let my body drop to the floor and sobbed my heart out. Marcos simply stepped over me and exited the closet.

  _______

  Conditioning me to believe I wasn’t good enough started early I guess. It was during this time I began to doubt myself. Instead of being angry with him, I blamed myself. I wanted to prove to him that I was just as good or I was worthy of his love too.

  I tried to be obedient. I didn’t suffocate him. I let him treat me however he wanted to; to prove to him I was committed to him for the long haul. So, I let him come back to me when he was ready. He always came back to me. In my young mind, I thought I was winning when in reality I was losing.

  When he left that night, he stayed away for an additional two more nights. On the fourth night, he came home and crawled in bed with me like nothing had ever happened. He still didn’t touch me. At that point it had been about two weeks since we had sex. I desired to be with him but I would let him make the first move.

  Marcos continued to keep me at a distance though. I didn’t know what he wanted me to do. Getting frustrated with the situation, I decided to put it all aside and enjoy a weekend out with my friends. That was something I hadn’t done in a while. Marcos had left me in the house again anyway.

  I jumped in my car on a Saturday night and scooped my two best friends up. Corvell knew of a party happening that Cory had told him about. That was our d
estination for that night.

  When we arrived at the party, I was glad I had chosen to go. I saw a lot of friends from school and was having a good time.

  “Nephia,” Kendall greeted me with his cute dimples.

  I smiled back and gave him a hug. “What’s up?”

  “I hadn’t been seeing you this summer. Where you been hiding?” he asked.

  I could barely make out what he was saying because of the music and all the other noise. I led him to the kitchen where it was a little quieter. “I hadn’t been hiding. Aren’t you getting ready to go soon?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “We start practice soon.”

  “I’m really proud of you,” I beamed. Kendall had gotten a full football scholarship to UT Knoxville. He deserved it too. Through it all, Kendall had remained a good natured guy. I had never seen him any other way.

  “How’s the baby?” he asked.

  “She’s getting big,” I told him. “She’s walking now and everything.”

  “I would like to see her before I leave,” he said. He smiled down at me and I could see there was something more in his eyes.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  He shook his head wearing a modest smile. “Nothing. I just wish you and I could have…well, you know.”

  I giggled. “Yeah, I know. But we’re good friends.”

  “How’s dude been treating you?”

  I shrugged. “I’m living good.”

  Kendall’s smile faded into a look of concern. “I wish I could make you happy.”

  I tried to hold onto my smile but I could feel the sadness taking over. “I’m good.”

  I saw Kendall’s eyes focus on someone behind me. Before I could turn around I heard a whisper in my ear, “Heads up. You’ve been reported.”

  As soon as the person walked away from me I turned to see who had actually said it to me. I giggled when I saw that it was Chrissy, my sister-in-law. I didn’t even know she was at the party. Chrissy, had ended up being cool although she was a spoiled brat. Beverly got on her nerves just as much as she got on everyone else’s. Andrés got Chrissy anything she wanted. Marcos did his share of spoiling her too. Chrissy loved her brother but she knew he wasn’t always right. Often times she sided and sympathized with me.

  Now what did she mean by I’ve been reported? Was Marcos here at this high school house party? Surely he wasn’t. And who was here to report anything on me except Chrissy?

  “Is everything okay?” Kendall asked.

  “Yeah,” I said as I looked around. I didn’t see anything unusual but I was paranoid nonetheless. I suggested he follow me out to my car. We weren’t the only people outside as others had found their way outside of the house as well. I spotted Corvell talking to a group of people in the driveway.

  For more privacy, we ended up walking down to where I had parked my car along the front yard of one of the neighbor’s houses. We talked about some of everything. It was a joy talking to Kendall. Something told me that he was the one I probably should have ended up with. And I knew we would probably cross paths again.

  I should have taken heed to what Chrissy said. But she said it so fast and kept going I didn’t know if she was really being serious. My heart dropped when I saw Marcos’s truck pull up to my car. It literally was parked in the middle of the street as an angry Marcos jumped out of the passenger side.

  Fearful for Kendall; I nudged him, “Go on.”

  Kendall wasn’t budging. I know he thought we were innocent and we weren’t doing anything wrong. We were just two friends talking outside leaning on my car, but not to Marcos.

  “Who the fuck told you you could go anywhere?” Marcos asked me as he walked up into my space.

  I backed into my car as far as I could go. “I thought it would be okay.”

  “With who?” Marcos asked.

  I was growing nervous. He was already drawing attention to us just from his presence alone.

  “You weren’t home and I didn’t want to bother you,” I said in a small voice.

  Marcos glared in Kendall’s attention. “Why every time I catch your ass doing shit you ain’t supposed to, this nigga be in your face?”

  “He’s just a friend,” I told him.

  “Yeah, we’re just friends—” Kendall was saying.

  Marcos snapped on him. “I didn’t ask you to talk, nigga! As a matter of fact, take your punk ass on away from what’s mine! Get the fuck away from her and don’t let me catch you in her goddamn face again!”

  As he was talking, he was inching closer to Kendall. The last thing I wanted was for Marcos to assault Kendall. So I grabbed Marcos’s hands and tried to soothe him. “Baby, he’s leaving. And I won’t talk to him ever again. Can we just go home?”

  “I’m so sick of you,” Marcos growled through gritted teeth as he jabbed his finger in my forehead.

  “But I didn’t do anything!” I yelled as I smacked his hand away from me. Oh why did I do that? I saw how thrown he was in his eyes. Before he could react, I hurried to put about a yard between us. It didn’t stop him from coming after me though. I wanted to run because I knew once he got his hands on me I was going to feel his wrath.

  “Don’t hurt me, Marcos,” I begged. We were about three houses down the street now.

  “I’m not gonna hurt you,” he told me. His eyes said different. “But I need you to get in your car and go the fuck home.”

  “Okay, I will,” I said. I kept my distance. I didn’t need him embarrassing me more. People were waiting for more drama. At this point it just looked like we were quarreling and he was trying to get me to talk to him.

  “Now, Nephia!” he ordered.

  “Okay,” I said nervously.

  “If you don’t stop walking you’re gonna regret it,” he threatened.

  “What are you gonna do to me?” I was scared.

  “Nothing,” he said impatiently. “You think you can really outrun me? I could have already done something to you if I wanted to. I just want you to get out of the street, go to your car, and go home to our baby.”

  “That’s all?” I wanted to trust him. He seemed pretty mad at first. Marcos don’t calm down that quick.

  “That’s all,” he assured me. He held his hand out to me. “C’mon and we’ll talk on our way home.”

  I reached for his hand. His hand closed around mine a little too tight. He pulled me into him with his left hand at the same time his right hand balled into a fist and socked me right in the nose. It happened so fast I’m sure no one caught what he did.

  I could feel blood leaking from my nose but I was so dazed from the blow I could literally see stars floating around me. Now keep in mind, he punched me at the same time as he was pulling me into him. He was still holding onto me to keep from actually falling to the ground because at this point I was slipping out of consciousness.

  Marcos held me close to him as if we had made up and walked me back to my car.

  “Where are y'all going?” Nikki asked. She had come outside to see what was going on.

  Marcos was placing me inside my car in the passenger seat. “I’m taking her home.”

  “But we came with her,” Nikki stated. She tried to come around to talk to me but Marcos stopped her.

  “Boogie’ll take y'all home,” he told her.

  “I just wanna tell her bye then,” Nikki said hatefully.

  I could hear this but that blow still had me out of it. I heard commotion on my side of the car and I lifted my head to see Nikki trying to get my attention. Her eyes widened when she saw me. I heard her yell at him.

  “What did you do to her, Marcos!”

  “Nikki, stay the fuck out of our business,” Marcos warned.

  “Did you hit her?” Nikki asked. She didn’t care who was around listening. She was livid.

  I think Marcos decided to ignore her because the next thing I knew, the car was moving. On the drive home, he was yelling at me and cursing me out the whole time. I just wanted him to shut up so I didn’t enc
ourage him to talk by remaining quiet.

  I convinced myself that with Marcos, bad attention from him was better than no attention. It was a really crazy notion of mine but this was how I coped with living with him.

  _______

  Corvell called the following evening to check on me.

  “I didn’t know what was going on,” he said. “Hell, how that nigga even know where you were?”

  “I don’t know. All I know is Chrissy, his sister came up to me and told me I had been reported but then she disappeared.”

  “Was it her?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “You know who probably was running their damn dick suckas? Ladonna an’nem. I saw ‘em eyeballing you and Kendall talking,” Corvell said. “Let me find out it was they ass. I’ma snatch every single one of ‘em bald head.”

  I giggled. “You can’t be doing that, Corvell.”

  “People kill me,” he groaned. He said, “Oh, and have you heard about Kendall?”

  “No. What about Kendall?” I asked with concern.

  “He was in some accident today or something. My brother was telling me about it. Said his football career might be over with already.”

  I gasped. “Are you serious? Oh my God! What happened?”

  Corvell scoffed. “Marcos happened if you ask me.”

  “Corvell!”

  “Don’t be stupid, Nephia.”

  “Why would you think Marcos would have anything to do with what happened to Kendall?”

  “Cause it’s the type of nigga Marcos is. Besides, it was how Cory was telling me. He didn’t have to say Marcos’s name for me to get it.”

  “Let me call you back,” I said rushing him off the phone. I ended the call with him and quickly called Marcos.

  “Hello?”

  “Where are you?” I asked.

  “Taking care of business. Why?”

  “When will you be back home?”

  “Why?”

  “I’m just gonna ask you straight out. Did you do something to Kendall?”

  “You’re a dumb ass hoe,” was all Marcos said before he hung up in my face.