Hate to Love You

by Ivy Symone

  Bridgette looked at me. Her eyebrows raised as she offered me a dumb smile. “Just about.”

  My heart went out to her. I felt her pain. The difference between Gogo and Marcos was Gogo beat on Bridgette behind closed doors. He would verbally snap on her in front of people but that’s where it stopped. The very first day I met her, he had physically attacked her just moments before. That’s why she had been looking sad that day.

  All of the Delgado men were abusive. It was in their blood. They were fine and nice to look at. They had money and came from a well-known family. But they were vicious with their hands.

  I told her, “It’ll get better.”

  She said, “I seriously hope so.”

  Chapter 10

  The world didn’t come to an end at the turn of the century like everyone was in fear of. I was kind of hoping it would have. Some days I didn’t feel like living at all. Other days I barely made it. I was exhausted.

  As time went on, I fell into my role of good wife, mother, daughter-in-law, sister and friend. I learned to keep Marcos satisfied enough to minimize the physical abuse. I ended up graduating high school as the class valedictorian despite my home life.

  I gave birth to another girl two years after the twins were born. Her name was Yanna. I didn’t get to enjoy her as much because I ended up pregnant within weeks of having her. The following year, I gave birth to yet another set of twins. At this point, I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. Marcos and I weren’t on the best of terms because again he was doing his own thing in the streets.

  But here I was the mother of six kids all under the age of six and I was only twenty. I didn’t have time to gain weight. Hell, I think I lost more weight than I gained. I never had time for myself. I was always on the go and one of my kids were always hanging off of me, demanding something. Marcos spoiled the hell out of them but he hardly stayed around to take some of the load off of me. Yet, he expected for me to maintain this perfect image.

  Again, Corvell asked me why I named the twin girls what I named them. I pointed outside. Marcos was sloppy drunk when it was time for me to give birth to the girls. He was of no assistance to me. Corvell stepped up and was everything I needed Marcos to be for me while I was in labor. Marcos was passed out on the bench in the delivery room.

  I was upset and cried in sync with the awful weather taking place outside. It was storming and the rain poured down in angered waves. I named the older of the two Stormi and the other one I named Raiyne. And they were feisty too.

  I busied myself caring for my six kids, going to school, and helping Beverly out at the fine arts school. I enjoyed the school. It was there that I got to lose myself and block everything else out. Though Nikki went off to Atlanta to go to school, Corvell remained behind with me. He dedicated a lot of time to the school as well.

  What bothered me about Corvell though was how he kept his men a secret. He would never tell me their names. He was still seeing the one that got physical with him a few years back but that wasn’t his main boyfriend. He had taken interest in an openly gay guy that worked at the school as a music instructor named Omar. I thought they were cute together but Corvell was still drawn to the no good down low men. That one guy really had a hold on him. I wanted to know who it was.

  One day when I was on my way home, I decided to swing by Corvell’s place unannounced. When I pulled up to his apartment building I regretted showing up. If what I was seeing was correct, I was immobile with fear of confirming the truth. I looked to the right of me and a few cars down was Marcos’s cocaine white Escalade. It was his. Everybody knew it was his. His plates read Marcos 1.

  Why was Marcos parked in front of Corvell’s apartment? Was Marcos down low and fucking my best friend too? I didn’t even want to wait around for the answer. I backed out and left as quickly as I showed up.

  I was a mess when I got home. I was pacing back and forth. I had no one I could confide in about this because Corvell was fucking my husband and he was the one that I ran to about everything.

  I decided to keep it to myself and would later confront both of them together. Surely Marcos would allow me to go my way after this. He was sick! And Corvell! I didn’t know if I could ever consider him a friend again. He knew what I was going through with Marcos. Why? How could he do something like this to me?

  Marcos came home and was in a good mood. He was being playful with me but I wasn’t feeling it. I could have sworn I smelled dick and ass on him. I was so mad and I had an attitude.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Marcos asked.

  “Nothing,” I mumbled.

  “Something’s wrong,” he said. He grabbed me around my waist and pulled me down with him on the sofa.

  “I’m okay,” I said.

  Marcos reached for my ponytail and started loosening my hair from it’s holder. “What have I told you about this damn ponytail?”

  “I was at the school earlier,” I told him.

  Azul came running in the hearthroom with Marcena chasing him. She was angry and yelling at him. He was laughing.

  “Give it back!” she cried. She stopped in front of us and whined, “Daddy, Zuli won’t give me my Barbie shoes back!”

  Azul stopped on the other side of the sofa in a taunting stance. He said, “What?”

  “It’s for girls. You’re a boy and boys can’t play with that!” She said.

  “Zuli, what have I told you about that gay shit?” Marcos said to him.

  Azul held up the plastic pink miniature high heels. “But they isn’t shoes Daddy! They guns!”

  “Those are shoes, boy,” I interjected. “Now hand them back to your sister.”

  Instead of handing them to Marcena he tossed them to her.

  “You pick those up and you place them in your sister’s hand,” I ordered firmly.

  Azul looked to Marcos to see if he cosigned with me. My boys were learning to be bullies early but I was trying to break them of it before they ended up like their father. Marcos was always okay with them being mean to other kids. But that gay comment he made, made me cringe at how hypocritical he was.

  Azul did as I told him but I could see the mischief in his young eyes; eyes just like Marcos’s. As soon as they were out of sight, I knew he would be up to something else; terrorizing Marcena or one of the others.

  “I think he’s gonna be gay,” Marcos said. He was joking but I believed he was serious. He had said it once before.

  “It’s normal for kids to play with gender inappropriate toys at two and three years old,” I told him. I asked, “But if he did end up gay, would you reject him?”

  “I’d beat his ass first. I think you got them around Corvell too much,” he said.

  “So it’s not okay for your children to be gay?”

  “It’s not in our blood to be gay. I ain’t got nothing against Corvell or whatever, but I ain’t cool with that gay shit,” he said.

  Interesting.

  “Let’s go out tonight,” he suggested.

  That was shocking. “Tonight?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “I gotta meet up with some folks anyway. You might as well come with me.”

  “Okay,” I said without giving it much thought. It wasn’t that I was putting the whole Corvell situation aside. I was going to deal with that regardless. I just needed them together.

  _______

  Before we could go out that night, Marcos got a call. He had to take care of something that for whatever reason I couldn’t accompany him. About an hour later I got a call from Corvell. He was upset and crying.

  I called Marcos to see where he was and if he still had intentions to go out. He didn’t answer my call. I called Corvell back and told him I was coming over to see about him.

  When I got to Corvell’s I didn’t expect to see him beat up so bad.

  “What happened?” I asked tending to Corvell’s wounds right away. His face was battered badly and it looked like the work of Marcos.

  “I don’t know,” Corvell cried. �
��He just went off on me. He was here earlier and things were fine. He left but said he would be back. I called him and he didn’t answer the phone so I text him to tell him don’t worry about coming back because I was going out.”

  “So he showed up and beat the shit out of you?” I asked.

  “He’s becoming more controlling, I guess,” Corvell said. “He doesn’t want me going out.”

  “Who is he, Corvell?” I wanted him to tell me.

  Corvell shook his head. “I can’t tell you.”

  “But I’m your best friend. Why can’t you tell me?” I asked, almost desperately.

  “Because, I just can’t,” Corvell said.

  I stood up and I asked, “Corvell, I’m gonna ask you something and I want you to be completely honest with me.”

  “What?”

  “Are you fucking my husband?”

  Corvell looked at me with a stunned expression. He frowned as if he didn’t want to answer.

  I needed to know. “Are you?”

  The doorknob to his front door began to turn. Corvell panicked. “Oh shit! Go to my room, Nephia!”

  “Why?” I asked.

  Corvell pushed me towards his bedroom. I ducked inside but didn’t shut the door. As soon as Corvell turned his attention back to his door, I heard his voice.

  “Why you didn’t answer your phone, Vell?”

  “I didn’t hear it,” Corvell said. I could detect the nervousness in Corvell’s voice as he spoke. “Look, I ain’t trying to fight with you anymore.”

  “I didn’t come back over here to fight with you again. You be making me mad with all that whining and shit, Vell. I try to spend as much time as I can with you, you know that. I love you but you always wanna fuck with me tryna find another nigga out there to take my place. I ain’t having that.”

  “I’m not trying to replace you. You know how I feel about you too,” Corvell cried. “Baby, I don’t want no other nigga but you.”

  There was silence. I had to hold still because I couldn’t blow my cover at this point. When I heard them kissing, I covered my mouth. I couldn’t believe this shit!

  Well, apparently when I moved, my shadow did too. Thanks a lot shadow!

  “Who’s back there?”

  Corvell answered quickly, “Nobody.”

  “Who the fuck is in here, Vell?”

  “Nobody,” Corvell said again. “Baby, c’mon and—”

  “Hold the fuck on.”

  Shit! I couldn’t do anything but stand there. I held my breath as two wheat Timbs stood before me. Sheepishly I looked up and smiled. “Hi.”

  Corvell was right there. “Baby, let me explain!”

  I stepped in front of Corvell so that he wouldn’t get attacked. “Wait, Boogie! Don’t get mad. I promise I won’t tell a soul.”

  Boogie looked like his whole world had just came to an end. “Why the fuck y'all playing with me?”

  “I wasn’t supposed to know,” I told him. “I came over here because he was upset.” I pointed to Corvell’s face and glared at Boogie. “Why you do that to him?”

  “Go on, Nephia,” Boogie said pushing me aside. He got in Corvell’s face and threatened, “I’ma fuck yo’ ass up.”

  “She won’t tell,” Corvell tried to tell him. Boogie continued to walk to the front door. He left out slamming the door behind him.

  Corvell’s shoulders dropped. “He gonna kill me now.”

  I went to Corvell’s living room window and peeked out. Boogie was driving Marcos’s Escalade. Where was Marcos?

  I turned to a distraught Corvell. “He’s not gonna do anything to you. Who all knows about you two?”

  “Nobody. No one was supposed to ever know,” Corvell said.

  “Is he who you’ve been seeing all these years?”

  Corvell nodded.

  “If he does anything else to you I’ll tell everybody myself.”

  Corvell shook his head emphatically. “No! Just leave it alone. Doing that will run him away and that’s not what I want.”

  “So, you’d rather accept what he gives you along with the bruises?”

  “If it means I get to be with him,” Corvell said pitifully.

  “Do you really love him like that, Corvell?”

  Corvell nodded.

  “He’s never gonna be able to be with you the way you want. Somebody like Boogie will deny being gay til the day he die. And he’d kill himself before letting Marcos and the rest of them know.”

  “I know that,” he said.

  “And that’s what you want?”

  “It’s no different from you suffering through Marcos’s shit. And why would you think I would fuck Marcos? First of all, I wouldn’t do that to you. Second of all, Marcos is too pretty. I like my men a little rough around the edges.”

  “I assumed because…I seen Marcos’s truck here earlier. I was gonna come in to see you but I was thrown by him being here. But now I know it wasn’t him; it was Boogie. However, Marcos left the house over an hour ago in his truck. Where is Marcos?” I wondered.

  Corvell cleared his throat with uneasiness. He knew something. I looked over at him but he tried to avoid eye contact.

  “You know where he is, don’t you?” I asked.

  “I have no idea where Marcos is,” Corvell said.

  “Corvell, don’t lie to me. We’re in this together,” I told him.

  “Boogie dropped him off somewhere,” he said.

  “Where?”

  “The hospital.”

  “What hospital, and why?” I asked.

  “Uhm…some girl supposed to be…” his voice trailed as he noticed my anger building up. I already knew what he was about to say.

  I screamed out in frustration.

  “Nephia, it’s probably not even his.”

  “You knew about this?” I asked. The tears came rushing. They were angry tears mixed with the hurt ones. And some of them were caused by Corvell’s disloyalty.

  “Boogie told me about it. I’m not supposed to know.”

  “So my husband got some other girl pregnant?”

  “He doesn’t think it’s his though.”

  “What hospital?” I demanded to know as I gathered my things.

  “Don’t go up there. You’re just gonna make things bad for you.”

  “He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he left so he can attend the birth of another woman’s child,” I cried. I screamed again. “I’m so sick of this!”

  “What are you gonna do?”

  “I don’t wanna be with him anymore,” I said shaking my head. “I’m so done.”

  “No you’re not,” Corvell said. “So just calm down. Go back home and don’t say anything.”

  ______

  I didn’t listen to Corvell. I went home and I packed the kids and me some clothes.

  “Where are you going?” Jovelyn asked.

  “We’re leaving,” I said. “Go pack you some clothes.”

  Jovelyn was confused. “Where we going?”

  “Somewhere other than here,” I told her. I went to my mama’s room. “C’mon Mama. Hurry up before Marcos gets back.”

  Lailani was slow poking around. “I’m tired, Nephia.”

  “But we gotta go,” I said.

  “Why?” Jovelyn asked.

  “Are we leaving Daddy?” Marcena asked me.

  Yanna started fighting me because she wanted to be put down. “No!”

  “You better stop shouting at me,” I told her. She stood there with her face scowled up. She was a trip. To be only one she thought she was the boss of everyone.

  Bleu and Azul ran around like they had no care in the world.

  “Mama and Jovi, grab them,” I told them.

  Whether they liked it or not, understood or not; I needed to leave and be free of Marcos. After thirty minutes of fussing, I finally had everyone in line. Lailani had Yanna, I had Stormi, and Jovelyn had Raiyne. Marcena held onto her of her brothers’ hands and followed behind me.

  As
we headed out of the front door, Marcos’s truck was pulling into the driveway. Not paying him attention, I continued with loading the kids in my Tahoe and Jovelyn’s Rav4.

  Marcos got out of his truck wearing a puzzled expression. “Whoa! What’s going on? Where are y'all going this late at night? Why you got the babies out like this, Nephia?”

  “We’re leaving,” I told him firmly.

  “Leaving?”

  “Yeah,” I said. I shut the door to the Rav4 and headed back to my truck.

  “What the fuck you talking about?” Marcos asked. He opened the back door to the Rav4. “Y'all get out and take ya’ ass back in the house.”

  “No!” I yelled. “We’re leaving. I don’t want to be here anymore.”

  Marcos looked at Jovelyn and told her, “Get out and take them back in the house.”

  “No you don’t. Lock the door and drive!”

  Marcos smacked me. “You silly bitch! So you’re tryna leave me!”

  Lailani got out of my truck and screamed frantically. “No Marcos! The kids!”

  “Take them in the house! Now!” His voice roared.

  I couldn’t see what they were doing because Marcos had walked upon me blocking my view. I was now against my truck waiting for his next move. He slapped me back and forth between his right hand and his left hand.

  “Why are you fucking with me! I give you every goddamn thing to make you happy! And now you wanna pull some bullshit like this! Get in the mothafuckin’ house!”

  “No,” I said breathlessly.

  “No?”

  He was enraged. That beautiful fountain in the courtyard was where he dragged me to. He forced my head into the water and held me down. I thought I was gonna die.

  He brought me back up. “You ready to go in the mothafuckin’ house now?”

  I couldn’t catch my breath to even answer before he was shoving me back in the water. He held me down longer.

  “Are you ready now!”

  “Yes!” I managed to get out. He never released his hold on my neck. He half pushed half dragged me back in the house. I was thankful that Jovelyn and my mama acted fast and got the kids out of the way. Although they couldn’t see their father beating their mother, I’m sure they heard me that night. Marcos stomped the dog shit out of me; from the front door all the way to our bedroom.