by E. S. Moore
The thought of Eilene and Sienna brought some sense back and I backed away from the door. My legs bumped against the edge of the bed and I sat down hard. I took a deep breath, let it out through my teeth, and found a smile spreading across my lips.
I’d done it. I’d controlled my hunger, controlled the Madness.
My fangs retracted; my head cleared a little more. I wiped away the last of the blood that had fallen from my gums and managed not to lick my hand clean.
I was doing better. I’d made it. I could defeat this thing, could do exactly what Levi said I could do.
I started to laugh, to exalt in my success, but that was when the pain hit.
It came from directly behind my left ear. It seared into my brain and I screamed. I clutched at my head like it might explode, and right then, it sure as hell felt like it was going to.
I fell back and immediately rolled off the bed. I hit the floor with a thump, and another jolt of pure agony caused me to scream again. My feet kicked out so hard I knocked over the chair Levi had been sitting in. It slammed against the wall with a crash, punching a small hole into the plaster.
My fangs were out again, but instead of hunger, all I could feel was the pain. It shot through me again, bowed my back off the floor. My eyeballs felt like they were about to pop from my skull from the building pressure.
The pain came again; this time it was so bad I couldn’t even scream. My breath cut off and everything went black for an instant before my vision cleared. I gagged as my stomach heaved and the remnants of my last meal came shooting out of my mouth, drenching me in my own vomit.
I shuddered uncontrollably on the floor, gagging and spitting. The pain sliced through my head once more, but this time I barely felt it. A steady stream of drool fell from my lips onto the plastic, pooling beneath my face.
And then it was over.
Just like that, the pain stopped. I threw up again, but this time little more than bile came up.
I scooted across the floor until my back bumped up against the bed. I brought both my legs up and curled into a little ball, terrified the pain would come again.
2
I was still shaky the following night. I got up and hurried to the shower upstairs, doing my best to avoid everyone. I didn’t want to have to try to explain myself to Levi or one of the girls if I didn’t have to.
Levi was talking to someone in the kitchen and I scrambled past, hoping it was his wife and adopted daughter. I made it all the way upstairs and into the bathroom without seeing anyone. I closed the door behind me with a sigh of relief.
The shower helped rid me of most of the shakes, and I was feeling mostly normal by the time I was dried off and dressed. Something about slipping into the warm clothes soothed my mind. Sienna had picked out both the black sweater and the blue jeans for me. It wasn’t something I’d normally wear, but somehow it felt right. I think it was because Sienna had chosen them for me specifically that made the clothing feel perfect.
The steam was still heavy on the mirror as I began to brush out my hair. I was afraid to leave the bathroom, knowing I’d have to face the family when I did. I took my time to work out the tangles, inch by painful inch. Water droplets ran down the mirror, giving me a fractured look at myself in the trails they left behind.
From what I could see of my face, I looked haggard. The Madness hadn’t been that bad for a long time, and what had come after had only made it worse. I wished I didn’t know what the pain meant, but I knew. It was hard not to.
My fingers found the raised bumps behind my ear. Ethan’s demon, Beligral, had marked me before I’d fled to Delai. I’d made a pact that I would return to see him. I’d almost forgotten about his mark, and I supposed the agonizing pain had been his way to remind me.
My gut churned at the thought of the demon, of Ethan.
And of home.
I sat on the toilet as the strength went out of my legs. I’d tried really hard to push thoughts of home out of my head. I’d killed my brother there, shot him just as he’d opened his mouth to speak. I didn’t know if he was going to say my name or just snarl something inarticulate at me, but in the end, it really didn’t matter what he might have said.
I killed him.
He will never speak again.
I stood in a rush and slammed the brush back into its drawer so hard I nearly tore it out of its tracks. I leaned on the sink and tried to control the anger that bubbled deep inside my chest.
I knew I was going to have to go home to confront Beligral. I was pretty sure if I didn’t act soon, he would send more pain. The first time was bad enough, but what if he did it while I was talking to Levi or Eilene. I didn’t even want to consider how Sienna would react.
It felt like I was being forced to choose between two homes. A big part of me just wanted to leave my past in the past and forget about everything I’d left behind. There was so much loss, so much pain in my old life, I really wasn’t sure I wanted to go back to it.
Delai had become my home, a place I could live without fearing for my life every damn second of the night. Here, I didn’t have to be Lady Death. I could simply be Kat Redding, vampire on the mend.
I smiled bitterly. When Levi told me he could help with my hunger, I’d thought he’d gone crazy. I figured at most he might be able to keep me from blindly killing someone, which was something I was already good at, but he’d gone so much further. While I’d never known a vampire who could completely control their hunger without going insane or becoming so emaciated they might as well have been dead, it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility.
At least not now. I would never have been able to do this on my own. Something about Levi calmed me, helped me sort through the tangle of emotions that flooded my head every time I got hungry for blood. The blood bags he kept for me helped curb the need to feed on a living person. How much longer until I didn’t need them at all?
“Kat?” Sienna’s tentative voice drifted up the stairs. By the sound of it, I knew she’d heard me thrashing around last night.
I took one last look at myself in the mirror and tried to put on a face that didn’t look so exhausted. It wasn’t easy, but I managed.
“I’m coming,” I called as I left the bathroom. I tried to sound cheerful, but it came out sounding strained.
Sienna was waiting at the bottom of the stairs, her blond hair pulled back out of her face. The concern was clear in her eyes as she watched me descend. While I was sure she’d heard me screaming the night before, I hoped she hadn’t gone into the room to check on me while I was lying on the floor comatose.
“Dinner’s ready.” She gave me a weak smile that made her look even younger than her nineteen years. On a good day, she looked at most sixteen. She had one of those faces that would be eternally young, which was both a curse and a blessing. Any vamp who saw her would want to capture her young beauty for his own enjoyment.
I pushed the thought out of my mind and smiled at her. I rested my hand on her wrist, squeezing gently as I passed. My touch seemed to dispel any trepidation she might have had about my well-being. Her smile widened and she followed me out into the dining room.
Sienna’s adopting mom, Eilene, was sitting at the table, hands resting in her lap. She’d been sick when I’d first moved in months ago, and she hadn’t improved since then. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with her, but whatever it was, it left her weak and tired nearly all the time. Her features were wan and thin, her skin pulled tight over her cheekbones, while it sagged everywhere else. She couldn’t weigh any more than eighty pounds.
She glanced up as we entered. She settled her tired eyes on me for only half a second before looking away.
“Levi will be in in a minute,” she said, voice soft as if it hurt to speak.
Sienna took her place at the table, keeping her head low. She was always shy around her parents. I’d only ever seen her open up when neither of them were around, and that wasn’t too often. One of them always seemed to be hovering around, though t
he young girl was worse when it was Levi who was in the room.
I studied Eilene for a few moments before sitting. The chair creaked as I sat down. It sounded loud in the hushed silence of the dining room.
Sienna glanced up at me and her mouth quirked in a small smile before she resumed looking at the top of the table. She brushed a stray strand of hair out of her face before dropping both her hands into her lap.
I felt bad for the girl. As much as I liked Levi, he did have a strong hand when it concerned his adopted daughter. She was never allowed to leave the house and had no friends I knew of. She spent most of her time in her room, where I could only assume she read. There were no televisions in the house; no music ever drifted through the walls. It felt like we were living in a monastery sometimes.
Levi came in, drawing my attention away from the girl. His arms were laden with food. He always liked to feast after the full moon, and tonight was no different.
“Dig in,” he said, a wide smile on his face. He unloaded the plates on the table. “Tonight we will celebrate the accomplishments of our guest. She did wonderfully last night.” He gave a little golf clap, though no one else at the table joined in.
He didn’t seem to mind. Without missing a beat, Levi swept up his plate and began loading it with the food he must have spent hours cooking.
“Where’s Ronnie?” I asked, picking up my own plate. The quiet man always ate dinner with us.
I picked at the food, choosing only small portions to be polite. I really wasn’t hungry, but I didn’t want to be rude either. Besides, I had to eat real food too. No sense starving myself over a rough night. I’d probably need my strength when I faced Beligral next.
A cold chill ran up my spine at the thought of the demon. I suppressed a shudder as I set my plate down in front of me.
“He’s got things to do.” Levi didn’t look my way as he spoke, but it was clear he didn’t want to discuss it.
I didn’t press him, though I did wonder where Ronnie was. He didn’t seem the type who could do much of anything on his own, and he almost never missed a meal.
Levi gave a brief nod at the table at large and we began to eat.
Sienna and Eilene didn’t say a word throughout the meal. Levi chatted amiably, not really talking to anyone in particular. I barely listened to him and I doubted the other women did either. About halfway through the meal he started talking about how I handled the night before, though he left out the bit about what he’d done to Ronnie. I was pretty sure he didn’t want them to know he was cutting up the poor man just to see if I would eat him.
The spot behind my ear began to throb, as if the memory of my bad night was going to bring back the pain. I was trying hard to forget about it, to just get through the meal so I could make a decision as to what to do about the demon. I didn’t want anyone else to know about it if I could help it.
I found myself rubbing absently behind my ear and I jerked my hand away, but I was too late.
“Is everything okay?” Levi asked, giving me a concerned look.
I nodded and pretended nothing had happened.
“You don’t look okay.”
“I’m fine.”
He frowned and crossed his thick, hairy arms in front of him. “I don’t think so.”
Sienna shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Eilene was watching the exchange with a faint frown. Neither woman would speak up, knowing Levi wouldn’t like them butting in to the conversation without his leave.
“It was a rough night,” I said. “I have a headache.”
“A headache?” He shook his head. “I doubt that. There’s something else going on.”
“Is there?”
He stared at me and I stared right back. I didn’t care how much he might have helped me; Levi didn’t need to know every damn thought that went through my head.
Levi took a deep breath and a smile split his face. “Well, then,” he said, his voice booming in the room. “I guess that’s that.” He leaned forward and started eating again. He took a bite, glanced at me, and winked as if we were sharing a secret.
Sienna was staring at me and I could see the question in her eyes. I seriously doubted Levi would give up that easily, and it was obvious I was going to have to tell Sienna something. If I wanted the girl to trust me, I couldn’t hold back on her.
It was strange having those sorts of feelings for the girl. I didn’t know why, but I’d grown attached to her over the last few months. Was it her innocence? The way she never flinched when I moved in. She treated me more like a person than most anyone I knew.
In a way, she reminded me of Ethan.
The rest of the meal passed without further incident. As soon as I was done, I excused myself and went back to my room. I didn’t want to face any of the questions I knew were to come just yet. I hoped they’d be content to spend some family time together and let me sulk a while before bombarding me.
The plastic had been removed from my room, so someone had come down and seen the mess I’d left. Part of me hoped Eilene had done it. She was the only member of the family who wouldn’t ask questions.
I started pacing the moment the door was closed. I kept looking at the closet, knowing my old clothes were in there. I hadn’t worn them since the day I’d arrived. Eilene had washed them by hand before I’d shoved them as far back into the closet as I could get them.
I probably should have thrown them out. There were too many bad memories associated to those few articles of clothing.
But I hadn’t. I needed the reminder of my old life so I didn’t turn back into the person I had started to become before the day I’d ended my brother’s life.
A part of me knew I’d come to Delai to die. It was the only place I knew where I could be left alone to fade away into nothing. I could die in peace here, could forget about everything I’d done, all the people I’d killed. It was supposed to be my final sanctuary.
But at some point, things changed. I’d gotten to know the family, had come to like them. They’d somehow become my family. While the peace might have been broken because of the demon mark, I still thought of Levi’s house as home.
But thoughts of the demon made me think of Ethan. Tears sprang to my eyes and I sank down onto the bed. How could I have left him to fend for himself like this? The world was dangerous and he wasn’t nearly as resilient as I was. I wasn’t so sure he could survive in the harsh world without me.
Of course that wasn’t true. Ethan was resourceful. He always found a way to conquer his fears. He’d even managed to leave the house, despite his fear of the outdoors, so he could save Jonathan.
I wondered if he’d managed to get the Luna Cult Denmaster somewhere safe all those months ago. The last I’d seen of both men, Ethan was helping the paralyzed wolf up the stairs after Jonathan’s fight with my brother ended with him meeting the sharp end of one of my silver swords.
My hands clenched into fists and I just about punched the wall. I didn’t know which way was up anymore. I thought I’d found a home here, a place away from the nightmares of my life, but I hadn’t gone anywhere, really. I was still the same person.
I was still a killer.
A knock at the door had me wiping away angry tears.
“What?” I snapped, expecting it to be Levi. I so didn’t want to be disturbed right then.
“I’ll come back later.” Sienna’s small voice came from the other side of the door.
I groaned. I refused to turn her away of all people. “No, wait,” I said, sighing. I rose and opened the door before she could walk away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
Sienna turned back to face me. She hadn’t moved from in front of the door, as if she knew I’d answer for her. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine,” I said, trying my damnedest to smile. It didn’t quite work, but at least I didn’t grimace. “Where’s your dad?”
“He’s not here right now,” Sienna said, and the relief was clear in her voic
e. “He went out after Ronnie or something.”
“Do you know where he went?”
She shrugged. “He does that sometimes. Dad always tries to say he is doing something important, but I think Ronnie just gets it in his head to take a walk and forgets to stop. Usually he comes home before anyone knows he’s gone. Last night must have been pretty bad for him not to have come back right away.”
She didn’t know the half of it.
“What was it you wanted?” I asked, leaning against the door frame. Talking to Sienna always seemed to calm me a little. I really did like the young girl, even if she was far too timid for her own good. She would never survive outside Delai, I was sure.
Sienna licked her lips and looked shyly away. I found the insecure gesture endearing. “I was just wondering why you were so upset today. I could tell something was bothering you.”
I paused to try to come up with an answer that wouldn’t scare the girl. I mean, she knew I was a vampire, but I’d never gone full-on vamp around her. She might not know how bad I got, and I never wanted her to see it either.
Before I could come up with something to say, Eilene came down the stairs behind her.
“Sienna, go upstairs and clean your room.”
The girl didn’t hesitate. The moment her mom spoke, Sienna turned and hurried up the stairs. The sound of her footsteps receded and her bedroom door slammed closed a few seconds later.
“You’ve got to leave.” Eilene spoke before I could ask her why she’d sent the girl away. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes like the effort to stand was too much for her.
I frowned. “Leave?” I said. “Why?”
“Because you have to.” Eilene opened her eyes and looked up at me. She looked exhausted, like she’d been the one who stayed up all night fighting the urge to feed. “Something is forcing you away. I can feel it in the air, can see it when I look at you.”