Heart Of Marley

by Leigh, T. K.

  “We have one. Well, technically, two.”

  She smiled, standing on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek. “You’re a good kid. Whenever I get irritated with the situation, I just look at you and Marley and realize that she must have done something right before your father was killed.”

  “It was a group effort,” I responded, trying to lighten the tension in the room. “I’ll go wake up Marley, but I may need some of this.” I grabbed a mug and poured some coffee into it, fixing it the way that I knew Marley liked it.

  I excused myself and ran up the steps, knocking on her door. “Mar, time to get up.”

  A girlish giggle sounded from beyond the wall.

  “Mar, are you okay in there?”

  She giggled again.

  “I’m coming in so you better be decent.” Hesitantly, I turned the knob, surprised to see Marley sitting at her vanity, the biggest grin on her face that I had ever seen. “What are you so giddy about?” I asked. “Still on cloud nine after your kiss with Doug?” I set her coffee down in front of her.

  “No,” she said coyly. “I mean, yes. But that’s not what I’m excited about. And it’s none of your business anyway.” She spun in her chair, attempting to avoid my eyes as she pulled a piece of notebook paper out of her bag, her smile illuminating the entire room.

  “Did he leave a love letter in your purse?” I plopped down on her bed and lay back, placing my hands behind my head.

  “It’s not a love letter. It’s an ‘I really like you so I slipped a secret note in your purse when you weren’t looking’ letter.” She raised her eyebrows at me. “You should take some tips from Doug to use with Brianna.”

  “Don’t worry about me. I’ve got my own moves, and there is no way I’m sharing them with you or Doug. Hurry up and get ready. Aunt Terryn has to take us today.”

  Marley’s joyful expression quickly turned severe. “Do you think that’s such a good idea?”

  “No, I don’t, but Uncle Graham had to go play in some golf tournament for the church so she’s stuck. She doesn’t want to deprive Mama of her weekly time with us because of her opinion of her.”

  Marley looked down and toyed with her fingers in her lap. “Do you blame her, though?”

  “I don’t,” I replied, sighing. “It took me a while to forgive Mama, but I think her spending three years in prison and having us taken away from her was punishment enough. You see how she looks at us every week.” I sat up and gave her a questioning look. “You can see it, can’t you?”

  “Yeah, I guess,” she conceded, turning her eyes from me. “I just wish it’s as easy for me to forgive her as it is for you. You’re a better person than I am, Cam.”

  “I’m not a better person, Mar. I’m just moving on with my life and taking it one day at a time. Same as you. Same as Aunt Terryn. Same as Uncle Graham. And same as Mama.”

  She got up and walked toward the bed, sitting next to me. I wrapped my arms around her. “Some days are easier to forgive Mama than others,” I admitted.

  She pulled back and scrunched her eyebrows at me. “What do you mean? I thought you had forgiven her.”

  “Yeah. But the way I look at it, forgiveness is an ongoing process, at least for me. Some days, I feel that I need to carry the hate around and not forgive her or anyone else because of everything. Those are usually the days when I hear you screaming and crying in your sleep. I hate that, Mar. I wish I could take the nightmares away.”

  She visibly cowered and I could sense that she was uneasy about the direction our conversation had turned.

  “You don’t have to put on an act in front of me, Marley Jane.” I pulled her into me once more, calming the fears that pervaded her for the better part of the past decade of our lives. “You don’t have to hide from me.”

  “I’m not hiding from you…”

  “Just everyone else then?”

  “Maybe. I just don’t want to let anyone down. I keep thinking that if I do normal things, like date, maybe I can finally be normal. And I felt that last night, Cam. When Doug kissed me and I was shouting ‘come’ at the top of my lungs…”

  “Wait. What?” I interrupted.

  She blushed, laughing. “It’s a funny word and we were both nervous and kept saying come, but the way it was said, it could have had a double meaning. I could tell that he wasn’t being himself because of it, and that bothered me. So I shouted it over and over again. And then I made him say it, too. It was a wonderful ice-breaker.”

  I planted a kiss on her forehead before getting off her bed so she could get ready in peace. “Another one of your theater tricks?” I glanced back at her and saw the Marley that very few people had the good fortune of seeing.

  “You bet your ass it was.” She winked.

  “Okay. Get ready.”

  “Cam…” she said, her voice soft.

  I turned around and met her brilliant blue eyes. I knew exactly what she wanted when I saw the expression on her face.

  “To the moon and back, Mar.”

  “From the stars to the ocean, Cam.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  MAMA

  WEEKLY VISITATION WITH MAMA was today. It started out just like any other Saturday, except Aunt Terryn had to take us instead of Uncle Graham. There has always been a great deal of animosity and distrust between Mama and Aunt Terryn, with good reason.

  The two-hour car ride from Myrtle Beach to the suburb outside of Columbia was filled with tension, and I could see Aunt Terryn’s knuckles turning white from the harsh grip she had on the steering wheel. I wondered if her jaw was going to lock in place due to the severe look on her face, her teeth grinding every few minutes. I just prayed that a cat-fight didn’t break out. I had a feeling it wouldn’t, not when our court-ordered case worker was required to be at all of our visitations.

  “Marley Jane,” Mama exhaled, raising herself off the couch as we walked into the living room. “Cameron Michael.” She headed toward Cam and me, and pulled both of us against her small and slight body, hugging us. I inhaled and smelled the scent that could only be described as Mama. It was a mixture of baby powder, jasmine, and innocence lost.

  “Hey, Mama,” Cam said, planting a kiss on her cheek.

  “Are you kids hungry? You must be after that long drive.” She looked at us before her eyes settled on our aunt standing behind us.

  “Terryn… What an unexpected surprise. Can I get you anything to drink or eat?”

  Cam and I both turned to stare at her. “No, Grace,” she responded curtly, obviously mustering all of her energy to remain cordial. “I just wanted to drop them off and ensure that Mrs. Gibson was, in fact, here.” She gestured toward our middle-aged case worker crocheting on a rocking chair in the corner of the modest living room. “I have plans to meet up with some friends, but I’ll be back at five o’clock sharp for them.”

  Mama smiled agreeably at her. “I wouldn’t expect anything less. Enjoy your day in Columbia,” she responded, her voice exuding the southern hospitality we were all accustomed to. She ushered both of us away from the front door and into the kitchen. “Now, tell me how the bonfire was last night.”

  The hours passed with ease as we sat on the back deck of Mama’s small house just outside of our state capital. The air was thick with a late summer humidity, but that didn’t bother us. Every so often, Mrs. Gibson would poke her head outside, apparently making sure that Mama wasn’t firing up the crack pipe or injecting a needle in her arm.

  I understood the court’s reasons for ordering supervised visits at first, but once she had shown that she had cleaned up her act and obtained gainful employment, I thought they would re-evaluate their original decree. I had a sneaky feeling that the animosity Aunt Terryn had toward Mama played a factor in it. I wouldn’t be surprised to have found out that she encouraged Uncle Graham to make a few phone calls to the judge, a fellow parishioner, who was assigned to this case. It didn’t bother me too much, but I could tell it was hard for Mama to constantly have a reminder of the dark
time in her life judging her actions.

  “I’ll be right back,” Cam said, interrupting my thoughts. “Nature calls. Anyone need a water while I’m in there?”

  I shook my head and closed my eyes, basking in the warm Carolina sun.

  “I’m all set, sweetheart,” Mama said.

  I heard the screen door open and close, the only other sounds that of the occasional fly buzzing around my head and squeal of children playing in the neighborhood.

  “Marley Jane,” Mama said in hushed tones once we were alone.

  I took caution at her voice. Opening my eyes, I looked at her kind and loving face, and could sense a hint of urgency in her demeanor that wasn’t there seconds beforehand.

  She clutched my hand in hers and gazed at me affectionately. Taking a deep breath, she began, “I was warned not to tell you this, but I think it’s wrong to keep it from you.”

  I straightened my spine, my heart racing at her words and tone. “What is it, Mama?”

  “I could get into a lot of trouble for saying anything. Your uncle and aunt wanted to keep you in the dark, but I think you should know. I think you deserve to know.” She closed her eyes and when she opened them, I saw what Cam was talking about. I saw the remorse. I saw the pain. I saw the hurt. Most of all, I saw the confused and broken-hearted woman that my mama was when my dad died all those years ago. I saw the grief and shame she must have been living with day-in and day-out, knowing that she put herself in a comatose drug-induced haze while her boyfriend did whatever he wanted with a little girl.

  “It’s about Buck,” she said gravely.

  My eyes grew wide at the mention of that name. It had been years since I had last heard it, telling the social worker what he did to me. At first, I hated that Cam didn’t kill him, but I figured spending a lifetime rotting away in a prison cell was retribution enough.

  “What about…him?” I asked, unable to bring myself to even say the name.

  “Sweetheart, he was granted parole.”

  My chin began to quiver at the thought of that monster roaming the streets. I could just picture his larger-than-life body leaning on a lamp post outside of the nearest school yard in a rundown area of town. I still remember the first time I saw him. He was so nice and inviting, offering to teach me how to play softball. He slowly ingrained himself into our family, looking after us while Mama was on another one of her drug relapses. Then he changed. He changed me. He changed Cam. And he changed Mama. He preyed on all of us. He promised Mama drugs, feeding her addiction so that he could feed his. Cam and I paid the ultimate price.

  “I’m sorry, Marley,” Mama said, bringing me back from my thoughts. “I don’t know how it happened. I don’t even know how he was up for it. He shouldn’t have been eligible for another fifteen years. Part of me thinks this whole war on drugs has something to do with it. Why keep child predators in prison when people who are busted with an ounce of marijuana are, apparently, a greater danger to society?” She rolled her eyes, her disdain for our justice system obvious.

  “I was going to keep my mouth shut, but I just had a bad feeling in my gut that something horrible could happen if I didn’t at least warn you. Call it maternal instincts.” She looked away. “I wish I had those instincts all those years…” Trailing off, she caught her lip in her teeth, attempting to hide her emotions.

  “It’s okay, Mama.” I looked straight ahead, trying to summon the strength to be the bigger person. “I forgive you,” I said quietly.

  “What, Marley?” I could hear the surprise and relief in her voice.

  I turned toward her and saw the tears flowing freely down her face from her silver eyes. “I’m letting go of my resentment and bitterness. It’s too big of a burden for me to continue to carry. It took Cam to make me see that this animosity was holding me back. And I don’t want to be held back anymore. I want to be a normal teenager. And I think forgiving you is the first step I need to take.”

  “Oh, come here, Marley Jane.” She held her arms out to me and I climbed on her lap, remembering all the times she would rock me to sleep when I was a little girl. “I’ve been waiting to hear those words come out of your mouth for years. I know it’s going to take time, but I’d really like for us to go back to the way things were before…”

  “Me, too, Mama…except I’m not going to play My Little Ponies with you.”

  She laughed and, for the first time, I felt at ease with her. I put her needs ahead of mine.

  “Sorry. Am I interrupting?” Cam’s voice broke through the intense atmosphere.

  I wiped my eyes, as did Mama, and she released me from her embrace. I got up from her lap and sat back in my lounge chair. “Nope. Not interrupting. We just had a little mother-daughter bonding. That’s all. You have a penis, so you weren’t invited.”

  “Marley Jane Bowen!” my mother scolded in complete exasperation. “I taught you to act like a lady. Do you want me to wash your mouth out with soap?”

  I glanced at her and smiled. It was good to have my mama back.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  NEWS

  AFTER FINALLY GETTING BACK from our weekly visitation with Mama, I dragged myself into my room, thinking that it was probably time to start going through the stack of college applications that were sitting on my desk. Just as I was about to print my name on the first one, I heard a gentle knock on the wall, followed by the sound of Marley opening the window in her room. Shaking my head, I knew what she wanted.

  Opening my own window, I climbed onto the roof and made my way toward Marley as she lay on her back, gazing at the night sky. After lying there in silence for over twenty minutes, I could tell she wanted to talk, but didn’t know where to start.

  “So it looks like you and Mama reached a turning point today,” I said, breaking the ice.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed her wipe her cheek.

  “Are you okay, Mar?” I inched toward her, grabbing her hand in mine. Nothing would prepare me for the words that were about to leave her mouth.

  “Buck’s out,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

  Shock and confusion covered my expression. “What do you mean?” I asked with a raised voice.

  “Shhh…” she said, sitting up and looking at me. “Quiet or they’ll hear us.” She gestured down below to the lower level of our house.

  “Who cares? They’re both more than aware that we sit out here.”

  She shook her head. “No. It’s not that, Cam.” She lowered her voice and her eyes had a fury and magnitude that I had never seen before. “Mama told me. She said that Aunt Terryn and Uncle Graham didn’t want us to know…didn’t want me to know. Mama listened at first, but she told me today while you were in the bathroom. She said she had a bad feeling in her gut that something horrible would happen if she listened to them and didn’t say anything.”

  Sitting up, I pulled Marley’s body into mine as I processed what it meant. “He’s not allowed to come near you. You don’t have to worry about him hurting you again, Mar. I swear to you.”

  “I know,” she said calmly, her lack of emotion somewhat surprising. “I get what you were telling me about forgiveness now. I don’t forgive him for what he did and I never will, but I can accept it for what it was and move on from it. I can stop carrying the burden of hate I had toward Mama for her lack of judgment. I felt normal last night and I want more of that. I felt normal today, too. I like that Mama and I have turned a corner.”

  “Good. I’m glad. It’s been a long time coming, if you ask me.”

  It was silent for a moment while we stared at the ocean.

  “Do you know where he is?” I asked a few minutes later. “Buck… Did Mama say where he was or what happened?”

  “No. All she said was that he was granted parole about six months ago, even though he shouldn’t have been up for another fifteen years or so.”

  “That sucks. If you ask me, our parole board shouldn’t be elected officials.”

  “I didn’t know that.
”

  “You really should have taken Governments with me this past year.”

  She laughed. “The only reason you took that was to suck up to Brianna’s father because he teaches it.”

  “Maybe.” My eyes went wide. “Mar…” I turned to face her. “Her step-dad… He’s a former judge! Surely he would be able to access that information and could tell us what happened! Hell, maybe he could even get it revoked!”

  “Cam, I’m not supposed to know. Mama will be in the doghouse with Aunt Terryn and Uncle Graham if they find out she said anything. And you know that the first person Mr. Grayson will call is Uncle Graham. It’s not worth it.”

  “I guess you’re right,” I replied dejectedly, lying back down on the roof, Marley following my lead, the sound of Guns N’ Roses blaring from a car as it zoomed toward the shore. “Do you think you could at least find out where he lives? That way we’ll know whether he’s nearby or not.”

  “I’ll ask Mama next weekend and see if she knows. I’m certain that the court would have sent notice to Uncle Graham, so there’s got to be an official document in this house somewhere, unless they got rid of it.”

  “I’ll try to snoop around some time after school this week when Aunt Terryn takes the girls to dance class,” I offered.

  She groaned in irritation. “Freaking dance class. They’ll just be put through the wringer like the rest of us. I wish I could stop it.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “Nothing, Cam,” she exhaled. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “If something’s bothering you, I do worry about it, Mar. You know that.”

  “I know. It’s just the amount of pressure that these families put on girls. Look at little Julianne. She’s not even five and she’s already in dance class. Did you see the costume she wore at the recital a few weeks ago? And all the makeup that was plastered on her face? There’s this horrible expectation placed on girls to look pretty and act in a certain manner. They’ll go through it, too, Cam. And it breaks my heart to think that Meg and Jules won’t be able to do anything to stop it. They’ll get suckered into the limelight and the pageantry, not wanting to look at Aunt Terryn’s disappointed face if you say that you don’t want to compete anymore. And she’ll say that so-and-so’s daughter, your friend, loves the competitions and the pageants. So you feel guilt. Guilt at the thought of letting her down because this is what she did when she was growing up. And guilt for thinking that you’re not the perfect little girl you’re supposed to be. I just wish I could stop it. But I can’t.”