After Hope Dies

by Lilly Haraden

  ‘I’m afraid the necessities of survival don’t allow us much wriggle-room for ethics.’

  ‘That sounds like a maxim to keep the reality at bay. A lullaby more than anything else.’

  Dani leans back on the sofa and keeps her eyes unfocused as Bax continues, ‘Don’t we all wish we could live in a perfect world where this line of work wasn’t even conceivable?’

  ‘Sure we do.’

  ‘Yet, here we are. If humanity’s been dreaming of something for so long – I’d wager ten thousand years or so – and it hasn’t come true, then the very dream they seek is an impossible one.’

  Dani nods, waits, turns to Bax and finds him staring at her, all bent over and contemplative. Lolly lips suck him down to the couch. From the dark a shadow comes and offers a freshly popped soda to master. Baxter accepts the drink, takes a sip and says, while pointing at Dani, ‘As long as we’re dealing with the inevitable, it’s our job to make sure the girls are treated right.’

  ‘If you can’t beat them, join them.’

  ‘I’d go for a more elegant metaphor of, perhaps, a medical scientist who knows she can’t eradicate all pathogens but keeps developing new tools to fight against them. Although that implies we’re actively trying to shut down our business. So maybe I’m wrong. Maybe that inelegant Americanism of yours nicely sums up the futility of trying to make things better when there’s evil in perpetuum.’

  ‘So we keep the girls fed, clothed, bathed, disease-free. We make sure the men don’t scar them for life…already, I feel like we’ve failed on that part.’

  Sip sip and swallow. ‘Where would they be instead?’

  ‘Dealing with the counterfactuals is cheating. We don’t know exactly what they’d do without us.’

  Bax laughs hollow and counters, ‘You know that’s fucken bullshit. Here’s a question for you: how many girls died in this past week alone from any one of the following: pneumonia, rubella, suicide, cholera, or death arising from living in the public blocks or simply streetwalking?’ Bax doesn’t give her time to think. ‘Fifty-seven.’

  ‘How many girls have we ruined the lives of by giving them employment here?’

  ‘Ah, but there’s the thing.’ Sip sip sip. Stop fucking drinking, Bax, you’re pissing me off. Bax finishes the soda and places the bottle with careful precision down on the low glass table, murmurs, ‘You’re working under the assumption that their lives were not already ruined.’

  ‘Fuck you.’ Dani sighs and shakes her head.

  ‘Oh come on. Be honest. When did you start working?’

  Dani doesn’t reply.

  ‘When you were twelve. Janelle’s age. Back then it was illegal, though. You could have gone to jail, you know? Remember, after that crazy law was passed to curb the rise in underage prostitution? Didn’t stop the tide, did it? You were one of the first shells to be washed ashore in the surge.’

  Dani doesn’t reply.

  ‘Let’s forget about it. Philosophy is nice, but at the end of the day, you’ve got to pay the rent and so does Janelle. And so does Maria. Everybody needs money. Don’t we pay the girls enough?’

  Dani doesn’t reply.

  ‘Don’t we do our best to take care of them?’

  ‘Can we try and get more Plan B for the girls, please? And we need to find another supplier.’

  Bax nods enthusiastically. ‘Sure thing. I’ve been banging my head against the wall for weeks trying to get the council regulator onside but we’re making progress.’

  ‘Good. And no drugs around the girls. Not even weed. Ok, maybe weed is fine, but that’s the limit. Adults can make their own decisions, but they…ugh, whatever.’ Dani stands and feels dizzy but after a quick pinch on the bridge of her nose she summons the ability to say, ‘It’s good to talk like this. As equals.’

  ‘As business partners.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Where to today, then?’

  Dani says as she walks out through the circle of shadows, ‘Going on a date with my little sister.’

  ✽ ✽ ✽

  Corrina gives Dani the eye as the two wait in the kitchen for Janelle to finish packing. A not-so-hazy fog rests behind those dear working eyes; Dani engages them and doesn’t grant any sympathy. She just sips her cool cup of water and nods along to the rhythm as Corrina berates her for her line of work. On and on. And on. Enough.

  ‘So how’s your work going, then?’

  Corrina frowns and replies, ‘Fine, thank you very much. Cleanin’ at the Hyatt. Earning money the good old-fashion way.’

  Old and fashioned, maybe, in a little loose grey prison uniform, wiping up the shit of Chinese corporate shills for fifteen dollars an hour. But good? Oh please. Don’t lecture me on good. Not right now. But…look, Corrina’s not doing it out of malice, is she?

  Dani murmurs, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if all work was good?’

  ‘Amen.’ And Corrina nods. She understands. Principled – yes – overly moral – yes – but deadly realistic.

  Janelle peeps out from the kitchen threshold, hiding her body a little. Dani sees a lot of brown skin and wonders how she’ll cope with the less-than-warm winter weather. Hot-blooded young thing…But the essentials are there: sleeveless jacket unzipped down the middle to reveal loose white shirt and black shorts. Satchel. Sandals. My golden-haired girl. Dani rises and asks, ‘Ready to go, kid?’

  Janelle nods and takes her hand as the two make their way to the front door with Corrina in their wake. Mother stands by the threshold all wrapped in her grey and waves as the prostitute takes precious daughter out for a day at the beach.

  ‘So, which one do you want to go to today? North Baker or China?’

  ‘Let’s go to China,’ says the girl with a smile. Watch her unfold the helmet. Dani leans on the cycle and overlays her little sisters, one from memory, one from sight, until they are one and the same. Colours blur but body shapes tessellate. Let’s play a game. Janelle breaks her record and slaps the helmet down on her head in blazing time – tada! Dani laughs and starts the engine. Monkey grip around the waist. Off they go.

  China is next to North Baker but at this time of year it’s a nicer place to be. Winter isn’t especially chilly anymore over here on the Pacific, and the water feels nice and warm from the leftovers of autumn’s heat [Lilly – edit this section. North American winters aren’t warm even in spite of global warming projections. Australians can do beaches in odd seasons, not Americans. Focus. Also, we’ve switched from Eastern to Western America. Is this inconsistency part of the ‘Nowhere’ aspect of the story?]. Plus, Baker tends to get kind of gritty around winter, so China affords cleaner and calmer sands. Hand in hand, prostitute and prostitute make their way down to the beach.

  Today there are quite a few people around. What do the people do on Saturdays nowdays? Work, I guess. No rest for a wicked city. But who are all these people? Tourists? Dani unfurls an enormous beach towel with a cheesy Hawaiian dolphin motif; Janelle plants her butt straight down on the nose of a bottlenose and stretches out her fine black limbs. The women strip down and bask in the eggshell sun. It feels good to get rid of the leathers. Dani looks down at her flat tummy and praises the gods of two meals per day that she can still look respectable at a beach in a black two-piece. Fresh salt cuts her nose dry and she breathes deep of the sweet Pacific scene. What’s Janelle up to? She’s mimicking Dani’s pose: arms over the knees and leaning forward. Oh she’ll be a heartmelter at school, this one, with a body like that. Eyes linger on her older sister.

  ‘What’s up, kid?’

  ‘Been thinking. Always thinking.’

  Dani rolls her head onto an elbow and peeps at her sister, asks her to speak what’s on her mind. Janelle looks away for a second at the army of rainbow umbrellas and kids and moms and dads and loners and lovers and then back to Dani. Says, ‘Can I trust you.’

  ‘Corse you can.’

  ‘No, I mean…the statement was rhetorical.’ Jan sighs and Dani feels the rising, creeping gel-fear slosh a
round in her belly. Oh…

  ‘I’ve just been thinking about the work I do. And how you brought me into it. Before I got my voice, I was a mean girl. Full of ego and rude and obnoxious and selfish. It must have been so easy to entice me into the life I live now. Just promise me I could dance and shake and maybe do some extras on the side. Must have been incredibly easy. Was it?’

  Dani blinks but doesn’t reply. Oh, little sister, don’t betray me. Janelle speaks to her toes, ‘After I got my voice ripped and replaced, I couldn’t help but see things differently. D-Don’t get me wrong – my work’s really important for keeping me alive. And I’m grateful to you. But now I know how everything works. Like, ever since I saw Frankie...’

  Janelle stares at the sea for an intense moment as if she can see that white girl wading in the shallows all naked from the waist up. Yes, Frankie. She’ll be a pro in no time thanks to Janelle’s pearls of wisdom. She turns to Dani and says, ‘When I was convincing her to stay and work for Bax, I suddenly realised how everything worked. And it made me think that I was trapped in a web of lies. With you being the spider. That everything you had done for me was all a ruse to get my body into a new type of A-line.’

  Dani feels a secret tear push from her right eye and brushes it away without her sister noticing. Time to speak now, older sis. ‘Do you resent me?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Do you hate me for what I’ve done to you?’

  ‘…I understand what you’ve done.’ That pause, though. ’I just want to know how you feel about it. Why you do it. Please, tell me.’

  Her brown hand covers Dani’s white fingers. A pleading in the eyes that arrests, magnetises. This creature deserves the truth. Come on, brave woman, no more hiding. Dani sighs deep and confesses, ‘I do it for the same reasons you used to service the clients. Hell. Have sex with the men. God, I’m even using club language to cover it up…’

  Pause. Go on, big sis. A gull screams overhead and dives into the ocean in search for a meal. Dani watches it break free, unlucky, and she takes flight with the bird. ‘It’s all part of the career. You start off working, then you recruit. You’ll do it one day too. You worked wonders on Frankie, you know? Now she’s working four shifts a week like you used to. Can’t get enough of it. Her minder says she talks about you a little…God, you’ll be amazing at your new job. But this is about me, isn’t it? And how can you trust me? Maybe you can’t.’

  Dani shrugs her shoulders but feels no indifference, continues, ‘I picked up another little sister from the A-lines this morning. Hah. She’s even younger than you. Even prettier. No don’t give me that look – I think you’re a gem. But as a recruiter: she’s a dream. I mean, this kid could earn millions for Bax over her lifetime…And all I could think about as I sat there in the ice cream place, convincing her to throw her life of innocence away for cash, was…you. Cos I remember doing it to you. I remember so clearly, Jan. And I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want to take her away from a life she could otherwise be living. But I did. And I have the cash to prove it, too.’

  ‘So I’m just one of many?’

  ‘One of two. You were my first.’ Oh, and don’t forget about the Chinese girl you nearly snagged! Oh, and what about little Alice and Stephanie and May and…Janelle looks to Dani with still focus and then opens her mouth just a fraction. Mousy quiet now:

  ‘Are you really my friend?’

  Dani starts to cry but she shields her face and brushes away the pain for just a moment. Deep breath. Look to your sister and tell her the truth. Tell those big brown eyes set into sweet skin that she means everything to you. Tell that nymph to scour all the doubt from her heart. Tell her, tell her!

  ‘I love you, Jan. You’re my sister. You’ll always be my sister.’

  Jan has seen enough. She gets to her knees and wraps naked salty sandy arms around big sister’s neck. Dani pulls her in tight and feels her arms shake around the small creature.

  ‘I love you too, big sis.’ They disengage and Janelle continues, ‘It’s ok. I get it. I understand. You’re just like me. We’re in this together but at different ends on the continuum. It’s just…circumstance. Our lives are controlled by where we are, what we do. You and I are fighters in this game. How can I blame you for that?’

  Fighters. Equals. Dani nods and smiles.

  In her heart, she knows otherwise.

  ‘It’s people like Bax…no, maybe not Bax, but everyone above him that make our lives miserable. Powerful people. That’s why, isn’t it?’

  Dani nods and smiles.

  In her heart, she knows otherwise. The woman reaches out to her sister and lies, ‘We’ve got to do what we’ve got to do. Survival won’t hand itself to us. We’ve got to fight for it.’

  But these are just words, aren’t they? Although they are convincing, although they are true on the surface of that smile…will Janelle resent her still? Maybe she’s entitled to. Maybe she should. Dani doesn’t know. Maybe in another timeline of this story, this is when Janelle demands to be taken home. On the long drive back, not a word is shared between sister and sister. Perhaps the final glimpse of Jan will be with her back turned and walking through the front door of that little home with Corrina gloating, smiling. No more contact then. No more calls or afterschool pickups or ice creams shared with laughter or baths where they wash and brush each other’s hair. No more work. Until Maria full of grace and flat lines sits in Janelle’s place, and they spoon ice cream into each other’s mouths. Janelle will cycle by the ice creamery and Dani will see her on a fixed bicycle (the one from her lawn, repaired) peddling to the library to study for high school, as she’s taken to doing over the recent past…and not so much as a glance into the windows of the haunted ice cream place where the sluts live. She is better now. She learned. She escaped.

  Maybe this is what should happen.

  ‘Hey, I made something for you. Don’t tell Bax.’

  Jan bends around and fishes her bag to lap, digs, produces something wrapped in pink tissue paper. Dani takes the offering and unfolds her gift. Wow…a little row of loose sapphires. Twelve: one for each year, six dark, six bright, all bundled neat next to a sterling silver loose bracelet puckered with gross zirconias. Janelle peeps up and explains, pointing, ‘I can’t do it myself, but take this into a jeweller and get them to remove the fake diamonds and replace them with the gems. I think this’ll look really cool with your sea-colour hair.’

  Dani breathes and feels her heart sing. ‘That’s so sweet of you.’

  Cheeky, Janelle says with teeth, ‘I stole a bottle of propylene from Bax’s office. Sure he won’t mind.’

  The two laugh and Dani wraps up her precious gift before kissing Jan on the cheek. Girl touches the place where the kiss landed and the two lie down together in the glorious sunshine of an impossible winter moment.

  Is this the art of forgiveness? Dani certainly hopes so.

  Kindness goes a long way

  The bracelet looks beautiful. It truly does. Dani knows a jeweller a couple of districts over from her place and they do the most immaculate work for cheap. Course, she can’t afford most of what’s on offer, but the owner accepts fenced goods so, well, that’s the connection. Three days was all it took. Now she wears it everywhere, not even taking it off for sleep. In total: a silver band that sparkles like blue suns on her white skin. An orbit and spectacular array; twist and turn them around and they never fade, sometimes change, always beautiful. A little kindness certainly goes a long way, doesn’t it?

  Before work today, Dani has a few kindnesses she wants to propagate. See, Janelle? Kindnesses really do beget kindnesses. You were right. Now, the first of Dani’s propagations belongs to that of a man she’s never met, but one Janelle raves about.

  Like this: ‘He’s kind of like a big brother to me, Dani. I was attacked in my back yard by Mirror not all that long after she first appeared. And, well, he saved my life. He’s a sweet guy and I don’t know how I can really ever show him how much he means to me. Bu
t have a look at this! He collects lots of figures like these.’

  The two sat together on the edge of Janelle’s bed; the girl picked up the figure from her bedside table and held out the anime figurine for Dani to see – a pale little blonde vampire in white and covered with the shade of golden hat. How strange. Woman murmured back, ‘It looks a bit like you with a coat of white paint. Maybe the owner of your voice.’

  Janelle had laughed and brought her knees up to her chest, sat there smiling deep. This was yesterday after one of their jewel counterfeiting sessions. Janelle was all right with new pay and a wispy smile on her face knowing that she is safe for just a little while longer. A good, deep smile.

  ‘Maybe he’d like something like this?’

  ‘Mmm, good start.’

  One positive thing about the modern world is how easy it is to source cheap products. Dozens of San Fran and Oakland factories exist for the sole purpose of squeezing out goods for the Chinese market. It’s win/win – the Chinese get their cheap shit, and the Americans get the jobs that keep the poorest families from slipping into public housing. Also, cheap-ish factory seconds, if you know the right people. Dani pops a quick search into Google and finds a factory-direct site (like what Alibaba used to be, before Alibaba became the new eBay). What’s she searching for again, Janelle? Jan squishes in beside Dani and points to the phone screen, saying, ‘She’s called Shinobu. Maybe get him another figure of her or something from the same series. He’s got lots of other figures but none quite like her.’

  ‘Are there any black anime characters that look like him?’

  The girls laugh together. They have no clue.

  In any case, the package only took a day to arrive and although it cost a tenth of Dani’s total monthly pay, she feels she can justify this kindness.