“She was worried that I might be unkind to my niece and nephews.”
“That makes sense. The family lived in Indiana on a dairy farm owned by a man named Rufus Kuhns. He is a bad apple, a man truly in need of our prayers. Even though he is more than sixty years old, he decided he wanted Clara to be his wife. He had been widowed twice before. She didn’t want to marry him.”
“I suppose she was in love with someone else.”
“No, there wasn’t anyone else. Clara suspected what kind of man he was. Rufus told Clara if she wouldn’t marry him, he’d wed Betsy, the youngest. He threatened to evict all of them from their home. Under pressure from her onkel, Clara gave in and agreed.”
“Are you serious?” Ethan had never heard of such a thing from an Amish family.
“It was much worse than that, and Clara bore the brunt of it.”
Ethan stiffened and looked at Carl. “What are you saying?”
“I saw Rufus strike her across the face in front of her whole family. Sadly, Lizzie told me it wasn’t the first time. What he would do in private I hesitate to think about. Clara won’t talk about it. She has been painfully shy since I met her, but she has started to open up since she began working for you.”
“She loves the children,” Ethan said quickly. He tried to digest this new information about her. He had wronged her by assuming her reason for ending her engagement was trivial. Just as she assumed he might be like her uncle, he assumed she was like Jenny. What a fool he was. He should’ve known better.
All the signs of Jenny’s discontent had been right in front of his face. He had refused to see them because he wanted her as his wife. Clara wasn’t discontent. She knew how to make do, she knew how to entertain the children and she enjoyed the little things of life that meant so much to all of them.
Carl cleared his throat. “I’ve told you these things because I didn’t want you to have the wrong idea about Clara. She is a good woman, and she will make a fine teacher.”
“Ja, she will,” Ethan admitted although it saddened him that she wasn’t working for him anymore. He owed her an apology. He prayed it would be enough to mend their friendship.
* * *
Clara enjoyed her afternoon with Amos and Lily, but it was bittersweet because she knew these kinds of days would be few and far between in the future. Micah was racing about with Kyle and some of his friends, looking like a boy without a care in the world. If nothing else, her time with Ethan and his family had allowed her to help the troubled boy.
It was a busy and fun-filled day. She often caught sight of Ethan watching her, but he never spoke to her. The day drew to a close at last. She walked a ways along the lakeshore in search of a moment of peace and quiet.
“Clara, I’d like to speak to you.”
She turned to see Ethan had followed her. “It’s getting late. I should be going.”
She moved away from him although what she wanted was to move closer. She wanted to feel his arms around her. She wanted to know if he thought she was pretty.
Silly thought.
Vain thought.
“Please, I only need a few minutes of your time. I owe you an apology.”
Her gaze flew to his face. “Why?”
“Walk with me for a little bit, please?”
She glanced at her family gathering up the blankets and basket. Ethan’s children were with Faith Lapp. Clara wasn’t needed. “All right.”
The heat of the day had given way to a cool evening breeze. High white wisps of clouds patterned the sky. “Mares’ manes and mares’ tails,” Ethan said. “It means rain in a few days. We could use some to green up the pasture. My fuah would enjoy that.”
He was always thinking about his fearsome team of horses. “It would be nice if it rained and settled the dust.”
They began walking along the lakeshore away from the group. The silence lengthened until they rounded a bend in the trail and were out of sight of the others. He said, “Carl King told me about the man you were to marry.”
“He shouldn’t have done that.” She kept walking.
“I’m sorry that you were placed in such a terrible situation. I’m sorry, too, that I assumed you had broken the engagement because you were a fickle woman who wanted something better.”
“I did want something better.” She hated talking about that time of her life.
“Clara, you do deserve something better. I judged too harshly.” There was remorse in his tone and something else. Sadness? Regret?
She glanced at him from the corner of her eye. “You judged me harshly because the woman you wanted to marry chose to marry another?”
He stopped walking. “Where did you hear that?”
She stopped, too. “Micah once mentioned that was the reason you moved here.”
Ethan started walking again. She fell into step beside him. He was silent for so long that she thought the conversation was over. She stopped walking and laid a hand on his arm. “I’m still your friend. If it would help to talk about it, I’m listening.”
Chapter Fourteen
Ethan stared straight ahead. He normally kept his emotions under tight control. He didn’t discuss his past or share the details with anyone, but something in Clara’s kind and sympathetic words opened the door he’d kept shut for so long.
“When I was ten years old, my mother chose to leave our family, and our Amish faith, but she didn’t go alone. She took Greg with her. It was years before I saw him again.”
“Oh, Ethan. I’m so sorry. Why did she leave?”
Hadn’t he asked himself that question a million times? Even today, he didn’t have an answer that soothed the hurt.
“I’m not sure. My father never spoke about it. It was as if she never existed after she was gone. My aunts once said it was because she had a mental breakdown. From what Greg told me of his time with her, I think my aunts were right. At least she wanted one of us.” He still wondered why she took only Greg. Why didn’t she want him, too?
Clara laid a hand on his arm. Her comforting touch gave him the confidence to go on. “The years I spent with my father after that were lonely ones. He never complained, but the joy went out of his eyes. He grew old so quickly. Because we lived in a tiny rural community, I had to attend a public school with only three other Amish children, all girls. If it hadn’t been for Danny McCurdy, a friendly Englisch boy who appointed himself my defender from the school bullies, it would have been intolerable. We were an odd pair, but Danny and I became close friends. I never forgot about my brother, though.”
“Of course not,” Clara said.
It was difficult to talk about that time in his life, but Ethan drew strength from Clara’s understanding. “Greg never forgot about me, either. When he turned eighteen and Mother couldn’t stop him, he returned to us and took up the Amish life again. I was never so glad to see anyone. It was as if the years had only been days. The two of us picked up right where we left off. There were some rough spots, but we were together again. Greg quickly became friends with Danny. The three of us had some great times together.”
“And your mother?” Clara asked quietly.
“She didn’t return. She lives in Indianapolis now, the last I heard.”
“How sad, but I’m sure your father was happy to have both his sons with him again.”
“He was. Greg was eager to learn the logging trade and work beside us. Some of the joy returned to my father’s eyes, but only for a while. He grew pale and thin over the next winter. He refused to see a doctor in spite of our urging. One day, he didn’t wake up.”
“You have seen more than your share of sorrow, Ethan, but the Lord is with you. He can be your strength as He has been mine.”
It was what he was supposed to do, rely on the Lord, but he was finding it hard. When Clara spoke agai
n, she asked, “Why did you move so far away from your brother and his family? It sounds as if you were very close.”
“We were close, but it wasn’t long after Greg returned that he met and married an Amish girl named Mary. Our community was growing by then with more Amish families moving into the area. Mary was as sweet as they come. Micah was born the next year. Amos and Lily came along in due time. My brother seemed to have a blessed life. For me, it wasn’t like that. It was six more years before the woman I wanted to marry moved to our town.”
He had craved the joy he saw in his brother’s face whenever he looked at Mary and his children. To be included in a whole and loving family, Ethan wanted that, too. A family and a woman to make his house a home. Someone to love him unconditionally. When he met Jenny, he thought he’d found it. But she had cast aside his love just as his mother had. What was wrong with him?
Clara looked away from him. Ethan caught the change that came over her face and wondered at it. She crossed her arms. “Who was she?”
“Her name was Jenny. We courted, I proposed, she accepted me over a half-dozen other fellows. I was on top of the world. Then I introduced her to my friend Danny.” His joy turned to ashes within a few short months.
“Didn’t they get along?”
“That wasn’t the problem. I thought we were all going to be friends. I didn’t see it was becoming something more between them until the day she told me she intended to marry Danny instead of me.”
“She left the Amish?”
“Ja. She said she wanted a better life than I could give her. A more comfortable life and Danny could give her that. Danny and his father owned the sawmill and lumberyard in our town. I couldn’t avoid seeing them together week after week. Each time it was like fresh salt in the wound. I became a bitter man. It was my brother who suggested I leave and start over somewhere else.”
“So you came here because of them?”
“Foolish, wasn’t it?”
“I don’t think so. Have you forgiven them?” Clara asked softly.
They had to live their lives and he had to go on with his. He had misjudged Clara; perhaps he had misjudged Jenny, too, and she did love Danny. Only God could see into the hearts of men and women. It was time to let go of the bitterness that had ruled his life.
Ethan smiled at Clara. “I have.”
“Then you have done as our Lord commands. He must be very pleased with you.”
What Ethan wanted was for Clara to be pleased with him. “Have you forgiven you fiancé for his cruelty?”
The animation vanished from her face. She stared at the ground. “I have.”
“Perhaps another man can erase the cruel memories you bear.”
“I don’t see how.”
“So you never plan to marry?” He watched her expression closely.
She put her hands in her apron pockets and started walking back the way they had come. She didn’t look at him. “God has chosen the life of a teacher for me. I’m more than content with that. I don’t need anything else.”
“What about companionship, children?”
“I will have a school full of children and I have you, my friend, and my family for companionship. It is a full life. Do not feel sorry for me.”
“I would never feel sorry for you, Clara. I will cherish your friendship always. I’m going to be cutting some more lumber for your grandfather starting on Monday. What would you think about my bringing the children to stay with you while I’m doing that?”
She stopped and looked at him with a bright smile. “I would love that, but what about Deborah?”
“She isn’t working out.”
“I’m sorry. I hoped she would.”
“You’re a hard woman to replace, Clara.” How was he going to manage without her in his life?
* * *
Ethan poured himself, Micah and Carl King a glass of lemonade and set the pitcher on the table at Joe’s house. They were all thirsty after clearing brush that morning. Rain had put a stop to their work for the time being. Both men took a seat at the table, and Micah carried his glass out onto the porch, where Clara was sitting with the other children.
Ethan drummed the tabletop with his fingers as he stared out the window at the curtain of rain obscuring the sheep pens and barns.
“You look deep in thought, Ethan. Is something wrong, besides the weather?” Carl asked.
“I had a letter from my aunts yesterday.”
“Bad news?” Carl asked.
“You could say that. They are coming for a visit.”
“How is that bad news?”
“They want to take two of the children back with them.”
“Are you serious? Why now?”
“It appears my unhappy nanny spoke to my bishop about how undisciplined and wild I have allowed the children to become.”
“I heard about the syrup in her shoes. That’s funny.”
“Only if it isn’t your shoes. My bishop contacted the bishop where the children are from and he, in turn, contacted my aunts. I’m still having trouble believing it. They intend to enlist the aid of my bishop to convince me to let Amos and Lily go home with them. My aunts can be very tenacious when they have a mission. You know what that means.”
“Shunning, if you don’t go along with what your church says. Been there, done that, as the Englisch say. The children are inventive, but I wouldn’t call them undisciplined. They simply like Clara. You aren’t going to let them go, are you?”
Ethan paced across the kitchen and then back. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t have a nanny, and Clara won’t be able to keep them after this week. Maybe my aunts are right. Maybe I need to let them take the younger children, at least until they are old enough to start school. Then they can come back.”
“I know what would solve your problem.”
Ethan looked hopefully at his friend. “What?”
“You need a wife.”
Ethan’s mouth dropped open. “And you think that would be easier than finding a nanny?”
“Clara is single. The two of you get along pretty well from what I’ve seen.”
Ethan shook his head. “She wouldn’t have me. Besides, I have no wish to marry.” His usual assertion sounded hollow this time.
“Marriage would solve all your problems.”
“Make new ones, you mean.” Ethan walked to the door and looked out the screen. Clara was seated on a chair at the end of the porch. Lily was in her lap. Amos sat cross-legged in front of her while Micah perched on the porch railing nearby moving his hand through the streams of water coursing off the roof. Clara was reading them a story. They were enthralled with her animated voice and hung on her every word.
They looked so right together. Like a mother with her children gathered around her. If only she were their mother. She would do anything for them, but would she marry to keep them together?
Carl left the table and came to stand beside Ethan. He clapped him on the shoulder. Ethan flinched. His arm was better but not fully healed. “Are we calling it quits for the day?”
“Ja. I won’t work my team in the rain. It’s too dangerous.”
Carl leaned closer. “She likes you. More than a little. I can see that you like her, too. It’s something to think about, my friend.” He went out the door and waved to Clara before he dashed across the yard to the sheep barn.
Marriage for the sake of the children? Would she do it? Ethan had seen the aversion that filled her eyes at the mention of marriage. Was there a way to keep this lovely gentle woman in his children’s lives and keep them united? The children thrived under her care. He saw the love she had for them, and they for her.
What if he promised her a marriage in name only? Their friendship would be a good foundation to build upon and the situation might not
frighten her as much. Over time, her fear of intimacy would lessen and the future would take care of itself. It just might work.
Lily saw him at the doorway and motioned for him to come closer. “Come listen to the story with us.”
He walked out onto the porch. “I have work to do.”
Lily slipped off Clara’s lap. She padded across to him and took his hand. “You can work after the story is done. It won’t take long. Please?”
Ethan foresaw years of giving in to Lily’s winsome ways. It took a harder man than he was to resist the pleading in her big eyes. He swung her up into his arms. “All right. But just one story.”
He settled in the empty chair beside Clara. Lily stayed in his lap with her arm around his neck. He didn’t pay much attention to the story, but he enjoyed the sound of Clara’s voice and watching her expressive face. It was easy to imagine that this was how Greg and Mary must have felt when they were together with the children. Ethan hadn’t realized how desperately he wanted to form a family of his own until this very moment. A family with Clara at its center.
He’d given up thoughts of marriage after Jenny, but Carl had planted the idea in Ethan’s brain and it wouldn’t go away. Clara was single. She wasn’t averse to him. They got along well enough. More than well enough. They had a true friendship. He knew about the horror of her previous engagement. Convincing her to marry him would not be easy, but it just might be possible.
* * *
Clara wasn’t sure she had ever known such happiness. Surrounded by the children she had grown to love and seated beside the man who made her heart beat faster every time he looked at her—no, she had never been happier. She read the story slowly, embellishing it, drawing it out, because she didn’t want the story to end.
She glanced at Ethan and found him watching her with a strange expression on his face. Did he know that she was falling in love with him? He was such a kind man. She never expected to feel like this about anyone. How had it happened to her? She had only known him a short time, but that didn’t matter. Time and again, he had proved himself to be a man she could respect and admire.
The Amish Nanny Page 17