But were her affections returned? That was what she really wanted to know, but it wasn’t something she could ask him. They had developed a wonderful friendship with the children at the center of it. Would that friendship grow into something more over time, or would it wither and die once she began teaching school and wasn’t here to see him every day?
She had prayed so hard that God would grant her the opportunity to teach school. Now that He had answered her prayers, she was ashamed to admit that it wasn’t what she wanted after all. But was it what she was meant to do? Or was she meant to stay and care for these children?
As all things must, the story came to an end. She closed the pages of the book.
“Can you read us another one?” Lily asked.
“Nee,” Ethan said. “There is work to be done at home since I can’t log. Get your coats and umbrellas and I’ll bring the wagon around.
The children left, but Ethan remained. “Clara, I wondered if you would be free to drive out with me on Sunday evening?”
That sounded so much like an invitation for a date that she was sure she’d heard him wrong “I’m sorry. Did you ask me to go with you on Sunday evening? Are you taking the children somewhere?”
He looked vaguely uncomfortable. “I just wanted to go for a drive with you.”
She hadn’t heard wrong. He was asking her out.
Joy bubbled through her veins and made her smile. Just as quickly, she realized she might be reading too much into his request. She nodded, not trusting herself to speak without giggling.
“Goot. I’ll pick you up at five.”
“What will we do with the children?”
“Will one of your sisters watch them?”
“I’ll ask.”
The children returned in short order, and Ethan and his family left as the rain began to taper off. Once the wagon was out of sight, Clara threw her arms wide and spun in a happy circle. She had a date with Ethan.
* * *
If she expected Ethan’s behavior to be different the next day, she was disappointed. He was as friendly as ever, but there wasn’t anything special in the way he looked at her or in the way he spoke to her. She began to wonder if she was mistaken about his intentions. Perhaps he only wanted to talk to her about her position with the school. If he asked her to give up the teaching job and remain as the children’s nanny, would she do it?
While it might be what she wanted, she had already made a commitment to the school board. To back out now would cause problems for everyone involved. Could they even find another teacher on such short notice? Both Sally and Deborah had other jobs. Only Melinda Miller was still looking. Would the board even hire her after turning her down once?
Clara prayed for guidance and focused her attention on the children who needed her today, but Sunday couldn’t come soon enough.
When the much anticipated day finally arrived, Clara endured considerable teasing from Greta and Betsy when they learned she was going out. But Lizzie was totally on her side.
“There is nothing wrong with Clara going out for a drive on a Sunday afternoon,” Lizzie said. “I’ll be going out for a drive with Carl.”
Betsy sank onto Clara’s bed and propped her chin in her hands. “That is old news. You two have been driving out every Sunday for months. Greta and I are going to the singing together tonight, but don’t expect us to come home together.”
“Why wouldn’t we come home together?” Greta asked.
Betsy rolled over to grin at her sister. “Because someone else will be driving me home. Again.”
“Who?” Greta demanded. Clara was glad not to be the focus of their attention for a change.
“You’ll see.” Betsy rose and began to change her dress.
Greta crossed her arms and glared at all of her sisters. “This isn’t fair. Why am I the only one without a boyfriend?”
“Ethan is not my boyfriend,” Clara said quickly.
“Sounds like he is to me.” Greta smoothed the wrinkles from her apron and straightened her kapp.
Lizzie gave Clara a quick hug. “He might not be your boyfriend yet, but give him a chance.”
Clara looked down at her hands clasped together in her lap. “It feels strange.”
“What does?” Betsy asked.
“Not being afraid to be alone with a man.” She didn’t want to think about Rufus, but she couldn’t block out his face.
All of her sisters gathered around her. Lizzie said, “No one deserves to be happy as much as you do. You took care of us after Mamm died. You were willing to marry that horrid man so that none of us had to. If Ethan Gingerich doesn’t know how blessed he is to have you in his life, then he is a fool.”
“Thank you, all of you. You are absolutely the best sisters in the world. I hope that I’m not imagining that he likes me. I’ll be mortified if this outing is to talk about my job.”
From her seat by the window, Greta said, “You’ll get to find out soon enough. He’s here. He has the prettiest horses.”
“Did he drive those big things?” Clara suppressed a shudder.
“Yup.”
“It doesn’t matter what he is driving,” Lizzie said. “Go down and have a good time.”
Clara was too nervous to have a good time, but she hugged her sister anyway and went downstairs. Ethan was already at the door. Her grandfather and Naomi were seated in the living room. Naomi had agreed to watch Ethan’s children for a while and welcomed them warmly. Her grandfather didn’t say anything—he simply went back to reading his paper. She wondered what he thought about her going out with Ethan, but knew he wouldn’t voice an opinion unless she asked.
“Good afternoon, Clara.” Ethan looked very handsome in his dark vest, bright white shirt and dark felt hat. It was the first time she had seen him in anything other than his work clothes. She noticed a button was missing on his vest. She would fix that soon.
It was such a wifely thought that she blushed.
“I thought we might take a drive out to the lake.”
“That sounds nice.”
He led the way to his wagon and helped her in. “I hope you don’t mind riding in the wagon. I’ve been meaning to get a new buggy.”
“This is fine,” she said, trying not to look at the massive animals in front of her.
He climbed up beside her and spoke to the horses. They moved out at a steady walk. When they reached a shady spot beside the water, he said, “Whoa.” The horses stopped immediately.
“They are a well-trained pair,” she said as Ethan helped her down from the wagon.
He walked up to pat Dutch on his muscular neck. Clara moved away. Ethan said, “They are a goot fuah, a good team. I trained them myself. Hopefully, I can buy more horses to train next spring. Cutting trees will take me away from the children too much in the fall and winter. I love my work. I love being in the woods and working with these horses, but I know I have to do what is best for the children.”
“I understand and I respect that.”
“I knew you would. Clara...I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Okay.”
He began walking away from the wagon and she followed. Somehow, this wasn’t feeling like a date.
“My aunts are coming to visit and they want to take Lily and Amos back with them. They intend to convince my bishop it’s the right thing to do for the children.”
“But it isn’t! Do you want me to speak to him or to your aunts? I will.”
He turned to face her and took her hands between his. “I know you love them as I do, and you would do almost anything for them.”
“I would. You can’t let them be split up. It will crush Micah.”
“There’s an answer to this problem, but I need your help. I want you to think about this carefully b
efore you answer. Clara, we are friends. As a friend, I’m asking you to marry me.”
“What?” She drew back in confusion.
“I know of your aversion to marriage. I assure you that our union will be in name only until you say otherwise. I will care and provide for you all your life and seek to make you happy no matter what else happens or doesn’t happen between us. You can be the children’s mother. You can be with them every day, help them grow in life and in their faith. You are the perfect woman for the job. They already love you.”
The children loved her, but Ethan couldn’t say that he loved her.
Because he didn’t.
A marriage in name only. A safe and secure life with the children, but with a man who didn’t love her.
She couldn’t do it. Not even for the children. She couldn’t tie herself into a loveless marriage. She had escaped such a prison once. She would not venture there again.
“I’m sorry, Ethan, but my answer is no.” She pulled her hands away from him and started toward the wagon. “Please take me home.”
“But why, Clara? Isn’t this what you want? Children and a home of your own?”
“If I ever marry, it will be a real marriage, not some sham. Take me home.” Before she burst into tears and made a bigger fool of herself than she already had.
Chapter Fifteen
How could it have gone so horribly wrong? Ethan glanced again at Clara sitting bolt upright beside him on the wagon seat. She wouldn’t even speak to him. She sat with her eyes straight ahead, and her trembling lower lip clenched between her teeth. As they rumbled into the yard, he saw Carl was helping Lizzie into his buggy.
Lizzie smiled and waved. Clara jumped off the wagon and ran into the house. Lizzie’s eyes grew wide. She said something to Carl and then followed Clara into the house.
Carl ambled over to Ethan. “That was a short date.”
“I wouldn’t call it a date. She hates me now and it’s all your fault.”
Carl clapped a hand to his chest. “My fault. What did I do?”
“You told me to propose to her.”
“You seriously sprang the big question on your first date?”
Ethan pulled his hat off and ran his hands through his hair. “I’m short on time.”
Lizzie came marching out of the house and stopped by Carl. She glared at Ethan with her hands on her hips. “I told my sister that if you didn’t know what a treasure she was that you were a fool. I had no idea how big a fool you actually are. Carl, I’m sorry but I have had a change of plans this evening. I have to stay home and comfort my brokenhearted sister.”
She marched back into the house, leaving Carl with a stunned look on his face. “What did you say to Clara? A speech about undying love doesn’t generally turn out so badly.”
“I left that part out.” His well-thought-out plan had blown up in his face.
Carl gaped at him. “Seriously? You asked a woman to marry you and neglected to mention how much you love her?”
“I offered her a marriage in name only. I thought she would feel safe if I did that. I thought she would marry me because she loved the children, not because she loved me.”
“All signs point to the fact that you thought wrong.” Pushing away from the wagon, Carl tucked his hands in his pockets and gazed at the sky. Heavy clouds were rolling in. “Looks like we’re in for more rain.”
The front door of the house opened and Naomi stepped out onto the porch with her arms crossed and a deep scowl on her face. “The children would like to spend the night with us, Ethan. You should go home now.”
Carl backed away and said quietly, “Mama Bear has spoken. I would get while the getting’s good if I were you. See you tomorrow if the rain lets up.”
Ethan took the hint and drove home alone. He had made a mess of it. A complete mess of it. He had alienated the woman he loved with all his heart, and her family, too. Why hadn’t he realized how much he cared for her before he proposed? “Please, Lord. How can I make this right?”
With a crack of thunder, the sky opened up and it began to pour. Ethan was afraid he had his answer. He couldn’t.
* * *
Clara was up early the next morning. She knew her eyes were still puffy from crying, but she thought her tears were over. They were, until she saw Ethan drive through the yard on his way out to the walnut grove. He didn’t stop at the house. He didn’t even look her way. She was standing at her bedroom window. If he had looked up, what would she have seen in his face?
She turned away from the window. She wouldn’t see love and that was what she wanted to see more than she wanted her next breath. She was grateful that her sisters had rallied around her. Other than Lizzie, they kept their opinions about Ethan to themselves. Lizzie had no problem pointing out that Clara could do much better.
The dark sky and distant rumbles of thunder made the day pass in slow motion as Clara went over and over Ethan’s words yesterday.
In the afternoon, as she lay across her bed pretending to study the eighth-grade mathematics book, Lily came into the room looking for her. “Clara, will you read me a story?”
“Not now, sweetie, I have to study.”
“Okay.” The word was drawn out and pitiful sounding. Lily slowly shuffled toward the door.
“Come here.” Clara patted the bed.
Lily dashed to her side and jumped on the bed. “What story shall we read?”
“I don’t have time to read a story. I just wanted a hug.”
Lily threw her arms around Clara’s neck and squeezed. “Like this?”
“That is perfect. Thank you. Go keep an eye on your brothers for me.”
“Okay.” Lily tumbled off the bed and went running out the door.
Clara sat up and sighed deeply. Had she made a mistake? Should she have accepted Ethan’s proposal? He might grow to love her in time. Until then, she would have the unconditional love of the children to ease her bruised heart.
Would it be enough?
What happened when the children were grown and Ethan still didn’t love her? Could she face a lifetime of that? No, she couldn’t.
She had made the right decision even if it didn’t feel that way.
Lizzie poked her head in the door. “Daadi and Naomi are going into town to visit Emma and Adam. Naomi wants to know if you’d like to ride along. Get out for a little while.”
“No, I’m fine. You can go if you want.”
“Betsy and Greta are going, but I think I’ll stay home.”
“I don’t need a babysitter.”
“You’re not getting a babysitter. I’m having too much fun playing with the boys in the barn. I’ve rigged up a rope so we can swing out and drop into a pile of hay. Come join us.”
“Maybe later.”
Lizzie walked over and gave Clara a hug. “I understand. It will work out as God wants it to.”
“I know. Ethan and I were friends. I don’t want that to slip away from us. I’ll speak to him tonight. If I can without crying.”
“You’re stronger than you know.”
Lizzie left the room and Clara stared at her reflection in the window. “I doubt that.”
* * *
“Something is wrong.”
Hours later, Clara stood staring into the night on her grandfather’s front porch. Flashes of lightning in the distance were followed by rumbles of thunder that grew louder with each passing moment. Ethan should have been back long before now.
Lizzie came to stand beside Clara. “Maybe he decided to stay put tonight.”
“Not with a storm coming. He wouldn’t keep his precious horses out in such weather. Something’s wrong. I just know it.”
A shift in the wind brought sprinkles of rain splattering on the wooden porch. Lizzie took a
step back. “I know you’re worried, but come inside and worry. You’re going to get soaked out here.”
Clara followed her sister inside but she didn’t close the door. Where was Ethan? Why hadn’t he come to collect the children? She folded her arms tightly across her middle. Something was wrong. “I’m going to go look for him.”
“Don’t be foolish. He could come driving in any moment.”
A rush of wind whipped back Clara’s kapp. She reached up to hold it in place. “Put the children to bed, Lizzie. I’m going to look for him.”
“You don’t even know where to start,” Lizzie said.
“I know where he’s working.” Neither one of them had heard Micah come to the kitchen.
Clara walked to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Can you tell me how to get up there?”
“Nee, but I can show you. It’s in a ravine above the lake. We should get going.”
“Clara, you can’t take the boy out there. What am I saying? You can’t go out in there. Listen to the wind. It’ll be pouring soon. Ethan is fine. He’s in God’s hands.”
Lizzie was right, but Clara couldn’t shake the feeling that Ethan needed her. That God needed her to go to him.
Micah took her hand. “He wouldn’t keep the horses out in bad weather.”
“That’s exactly what I said. Get a coat and see if there’s a pair of boots that will fit you on the back porch. The ones closest to the door are mine. Bring them here. And bring Daadi’s raincoat for me, too. It’s hanging behind the door.”
He nodded and took off.
Clara went back to the front porch. The rain was coming down in buckets now. The heavy drone of it on the roof gave her pause. Lizzie came to the door. “At least wait until the storm is past.”
Clara shook her head. “The paper said to expect heavy rain all night. I don’t think it’s going to let up. Please stay with the little ones. Lily doesn’t like storms.”
A bolt of lightning lit up the sky and was followed by a deafening clap of thunder. Micah appeared at her side. “That’s because Mamm and Daed were struck by lightning.”
Clara took the coat from him and knelt with her hands on his shoulders. “You don’t have to come. You can stay here and take care of them.”
The Amish Nanny Page 18