Andre the Giant

by Michael Krugman

  “This is it, McMahon,” Jesse Ventura says as the interview gets under way. “This is the announcement we’ve been waiting for.”

  “Macho Man,” starts DeGeorge, “I know you are well aware, perhaps too well aware, of what happened last time we talked on this very same platform.”

  “Ooooh, yeah, and that’s not gonna happen this time, no,” says Savage with confidence. “Last time that I was interviewed out here on this exact same platform Bobby ‘The Weasel’ Heenan and André the Giant came strolling right out here, and I’m tellin’ you, issuing the Macho Man a challenge, and I didn’t know that I was being set up. ’Cause the Million Dollar Man and his money set me up so that DiBiase could attack me from behind and knock me off this platform and straight onto the concrete floor. Right over there—airborne, yeah— right inside the concrete, which made me easy pickin’s for André the Giant, Ted DiBiase, and Bobby Heenan, and that’s not gonna happen this time.

  “And I’ll tell you something else that’s not gonna happen this time, and that is Virgil, the bodyguard of the Million Dollar Man, of the man with the dirty money, because Virgil came out here and put his dirty, slimy hands on my manager Elizabeth’s shoulders, and forced her to watch André the Giant, Bobby Heenan, and Ted DiBiase take turns kicking me in the ribs, punching my teeth out, and an almighty choke from the Eighth Wonder of the World, André the Giant. That’s not gonna happen this time!

  “And the reason that it’s not gonna happen this time is ’cause right now, at this very second, I’ve got somebody watching my back, somebody I can trust, somebody in this building right now, and that somebody is my tag team partner, and I got me a tag team partner. André the Giant and Ted DiBiase have got me a tag team partner, and he’s the greatest tag team partner that anybody in the world could ever have. And here he comes right now....”

  “Real American” plays as the crowd cheers.

  “Well, I’ll tell you what, McMahon,” Jesse notes. “Now we know why Jack Tunney came to me to referee this, because I’m the only man in the world that could keep law and order with these four.”

  “Jesse, that’s a tall order, even for you, the attempt to maintain law and order between DiBiase and André and these two tag team partners, the Madness and the Mania coming together.”

  Hogan and Savage pose on the platform, culminating, as ever, in Hulk tearing off his yellow T-shirt.

  “You know something, Macho Man,” says Hogan, “I like your style, brother. I know where you’re coming from, I know where you’re going, ’cause I been there. But there’s one thing, Macho Man, you only made one mistake and that mistake is, brother, when you’re the champion, you should know, whenever you dial on the telephone, they’re gonna be trying to wiretap ya, trying to martyr your cause. You shoulda known that the local operator would be the stool pigeon that would make the phone call you made when you asked me to be your tag team partner, the call that would be heard around the world. But that’s okay!

  “First thing, we don’t care about the phone call that André the Giant and the Million Dollar Man know about, we don’t care because, number one, you and I are fighting for different things, man. You and I are fighting for the love of all those Hulkamaniacs, for the love of all the Madness, yeah. Number two, Macho Man, you and I are fighting for the same lady, brother. She is now our manager, and you and I are fighting for her honor, Macho Man. But the third thing, Macho Man, the third thing we’re fighting for is the cause. Just like the phone call that was heard around the world, the handshake between you and me that will unite us as one being, the handshake of the Madness and the Mania together will formally be felt around the world. We will make the world stand still, because this is the first public shaking of the Mega Powers, brother.”

  They clasp hands, and Hogan pulls Savage close to whisper some secret into his ear.

  “Hogan, I got one question for ya,” Savage says. “During that SummerSlam, yeah, on August 29 in Madison Square Garden, yeah, the SummerSlam, when the Mega Powers go down that aisle, yeah, what happens when Ted DiBiase and André the Giant are put away and all forms of transportation in New York City, all the limos, all the taxis, all the airplanes, come to a complete stop?”

  “That’s okay,” Hogan assures him, “that’s okay. Because you and I have given fair warning to my little Hulksters, we’ve given fair warning to all your Madness Maniacs. They’ll be there, they’ll be watching, but there’s one final point I have to clear up with you, Macho Man. The thing that’s on my mind that I want you to know, is that when we step in the ring, man, and the lovely Elizabeth is in our corner, she’s my lady too, brother. Because from now on, with the Mega Powers united as one, she guides every step of the way, signs every contract, and is our inspirational force that will help us overcome all odds. And what are they gonna do when the Mega Powers come running through?”

  They shake hands again, and pose down on the platform.

  “I’ll guarantee you something right now, McMahon,” Ventura says. “I can guarantee you quite simply there will be a clear-cut winner. I’m on the record right now, there will be a positive victory from either this team or the Giant and DiBiase. There will be a winner, because I’m tired of everything that’s gone on in between.”

  André and DiBiase responded to the formation of the Mega Powers by adopting their own mega-moniker—the Mega Bucks. As SummerSlam drew near, the Mega Bucks were regular visitors to The Brother Love Show. Inspired by the classic Piper’s Pit format, the interview segment was hosted by Bruce Prichard as Brother Love, an aggressively unctuous televangelist with an exaggeratedly crimson complexion. Unlike real-life contemporaries like Jimmy Swaggart or Jim Bakker, the white-suited Brother Love didn’t preach about the Man Upstairs. Rather, he advocated the power of “love,” which he regularly relayed through his oily catchphrase, “I looooooove yooooouuuuu!”

  July 14, 1988: Five Seasons Center, Cedar Rapids, IA

  THE BROTHER LOVE SHOW W/ANDRÉ, TED DIBIASE, VIRGIL, AND BOBBY HEENAN

  “Y’know, SummerSlam ’88,” oozes Brother Love. “Monday night, August 29, it will be a looooove fest, yes, yes indeed, in New York City, Madison Square Garden. And Brother Love will be a part of it, with a very special guest, but I’ll tell you about that later. Because what I want to talk about right now is the main event. A Tag Team match, pitting the likes of the World Wrestling Federation Champion ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage and his partner, Hulk Hogan. They are calling themselves the Mega Powers. However, they will be facing the team of Brother ‘Million Dollar Man’ Ted DiBiase and Brother André the Giant, the Mega Bucks.”

  André, Ted DiBiase, Virgil, and Bobby Heenan come out to furious boos and hugs from Brother Love.

  “Brother DiBiase. Brother Brain. Brother Giant, it is an honor.” Love reaches to shake André’s hand, but the smiling Giant engulfs him in a hug. “Brother Vir-gil, it is good to see ya. Brother DiBiase—”

  “Ya know, Brother Love,” says the Million Dollar Man, “on August the 29, on a hot summer night in the Big Apple, New York City, in the Arena of Arenas, Madison Square Garden, they’re calling it the SummerSlam. They’re calling it the meeting of the Mega Powers against the Mega Bucks, that’s what they’re calling it. Well, I’ll tell ya right now, we’ve got all that, right here on this one team. ’Cause there’s nothing in the world more powerful than the Eighth Wonder of the World, André the Giant—”

  “Nothing!” testifies Brother Love.

  “—And the power of the wealth of the Million Dollar Man rolls on and on and on, as we all well know. And you, Macho Man, you never cease to amaze me. You kept the whole wrestling world held captive, holding their breath, anxiously anticipating the big news—who would be your partner to face this unbeatable team? Hulk Hogan. Big deal!”

  André punches his fist into his hand as DiBiase continues. “Do you think, for one minute, that we’re supposed to be scared? That we’re supposed to stand here and tremble in our boots, because you went and got Hogan, because he’s gonna
crawl back out from underneath the rock where he’s been licking his wounds and hiding the last time he faced this man? You’re a three-time loser, Hogan, and you’re gonna be going down one more time!”

  DiBiase takes hold of his purple lapels, letting the world know he’s come to the end of his sermon. “Well,” says Brother Love, “Brother Giant, I have a question for you! What is it that the Giant loooves?”

  “Brother Love,” André grins, “I gonna tell you what Brother André loves. And I know one man who knows much better than me what I love is Brother DiBiase. What I love?”

  DiBiase laughs and rubs his thumb and forefinger together. Virgil waves a fan of Benjamin Franklins, and then passes it to the Million Dollar Man, who gives it to the smiling Giant.

  “You say they are full of love! They love you!” says Brother Love, the crowd booing intensely. Heenan puts a hand on the host’s shoulder.

  “We also love Jesse ‘The Body,’ the referee. He’s gonna give us a fair shake. And them too.” Heenan and DiBiase throw their heads back in laughter, while André grins, counting his money.

  “That’s true,” Brother Love says, wagging an index finger heavenward. “They love you, Brother Jesse loves you, just like I love you. I love you.”

  He shakes hands with DiBiase, who of course slips Love a few bucks.

  August 3, 1988: Civic Center, Wheeling, WV

  CRAIG DEGEORGE INTERVIEWS ANDRÉ, DIBIASE, VIRGIL, AND HEENAN

  The Mega Bucks take the platform. “Wow. Look how huge André is,” says Vince. “Almost like André gets bigger every day.”

  “He’s a giant, McMahon,” notes Ventura.

  “Just about a week away,” begins DiBiase. “SummerSlam. They call themselves the Mega Powers, and they’re gonna come and face the Mega Bucks, well, let me tell you, I’ve known all along that this would be the ultimate destiny for you, Hulk Hogan and ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage. Ultimately, total disgrace, dishonor, and defeat! I’ve waited a long time, Hogan. All the way back to when I offered you a king’s ransom. All you had to do was give me the belt and retire in luxury. But not you! Too much pride, too much concern over a bunch of little Hulkamorons. Too much pride, Hogan. And it’s gonna cost you everything. Everything in one night. Isn’t that right, André? Tell ’em what’s gonna happen.”

  “DiBiase, I tell you one thing,” the Giant thunders. “I’m so proud, next week I’m finally gonna be back in the ring with that little kid, Hulk Hogan. Because four times I put him down and I take his toy away. And he’s still crying about his toy, ha ha ha ha ha! But Hogan, I want you to know, I’m not Santa Claus. I no will give you the toy back! No way! Hogan, ex-champ and the champ-anzee you got with you, we’re gonna come in there next Monday, and believe me, you gonna see who is the real professional wrestler, and who is the toughest guy.”

  He hugs DiBiase as Heenan takes his turn. “Gentlemen, one important thing. One important thing, André, Million Dollar Man, Virgil. We have a special referee, a man that will give us a fair shake, in Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura. And as ‘The Body’ said, there will definitely be a winner and a loser! And you know one thing, Jesse always tells it like it is, ha ha ha ha!”

  “That’s right,” DiBiase agrees. “And he said a long, long time ago

  The Mega Bucks interviewed by Craig DeGeorge.

  that he had to agree that everybody did indeed have a price for the Million Dollar Man, ha ha ha ha!”

  “What do you have to say about that?” questions Vince.

  “No comment, McMahon,” responds Ventura. “No comment.”

  August 2, 1988: Hara Arena, Dayton, OH

  THE BROTHER LOVE SHOW W/JESSE VENTURA

  “My guest this week is a man who has been appointed special guest referee by President Jack Tunney to officiate the main event in SummerSlam, between the Mega Powers and the Mega Bucks,” announces Brother Love. “So please welcome my guest at this time, Brother ‘Body,’ Jesse Ventura.

  “Brother ‘Body,’ it is a pleasure to have you out here. I have a few questions for you, concerning your refereeing the main event at SummerSlam. You see, because you are a very controversial member in this matchup, and I would like to ask you, first of all, will your former relationship with your former tag team partner ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage have any bearing on the outcome of this match?”

  “Well, Brother Love, let me just put it to you this way,” says Ventura. “When you use the word ‘former,’ that’s exactly what it is. ‘Macho Man’ Savage and I have not been together at all since Elizabeth came along.”

  “Brother Jess, another question that comes to mind is that not long ago, you were quoted on national television as saying that Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura did indeed have a price for the Million Dollar Man. Will this have anything to do with your decision in this match?”

  “Let me just say this. At that time Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura might have had a price for the Million Dollar Man, but now I’ve done Predator, I’ve done The Running Man, and I’ve made enough money in Hollywood that I don’t need the Million Dollar Man’s money.”

  The crowd cheers.

  “But Brother Ventura, another question. You, it is common knowledge of your professional jealousy toward one Hulk Hogan. Will this have any bearing on this match?”

  “Hey, I can’t help it if the Hulk is jealous of the Body. I’m a movie star, Hulk Hogan is just a wrestler.”

  “Brother Body, there is one more note I would like to address, because I have this from a very good source, that ‘The Body,’ Jesse Ventura, is deathly afraid of one man, that being the Eighth Wonder of the World, André the Giant. Now, your being deathly afraid of André, will that have any bearing?”

  “You see this, Brother Love?” Ventura asks, holding up a clenched fist. “I could step back into the ring tomorrow and probably become the world champion if I wanted to. Do you think I’m afraid of anybody?”

  The Mega Bucks come to the set, greeted by furious booing. “Brother Heenan, Brother Brain, it is good to see you. What are you doing out here?”

  “Jesse ‘The Body,’” Heenan says, “my good buddy. André the Giant has a little something here he’d like you to listen to.”

  “Jesse, I just want to say something,” André says, waving a pointed finger at Ventura. “You better pay good attention. All right?”

  The Giant pulls on Ventura’s lapel for emphasis, and then steps behind Heenan.

  “And remember,” continues DiBiase, “Jesse Ventura, when you pay attention to the Million Dollar Man, it always—and I mean always—pays off.”

  DiBiase snaps his fingers, and Virgil begins passing him hundred-dollar bills, which the Million Dollar Man places into Ventura’s inside breast pocket. Jesse grins as André pats him on the shoulder, congratulating him for his decision. The Mega Bucks leave.

  “You see, Brother Jesse, the great benefactor, Brother Million Dollar Man, is continuing to spread the word of love. And he and the Mega Bucks will do it at SummerSlam, and what an honor, what a pleasure it will be for you, Brother ‘Body,’ to raise the hands of the victors, the Mega Bucks.”

  “Let me just say this, Brother Love. It’s definitely gonna be my pleasure at SummerSlam ’88, for Jesse ‘The Body’ to raise the hand of the victors, ’cause there definitely will be a winner, and I promise you there’ll definitely be a loser. And that, my friend, will be the real payoff! There’ll be a winner!”

  Civic Center, Wheeling, WV

  CRAIG DEGEORGE INTERVIEWS THE MEGA POWERS

  Randy Savage, Hulk Hogan, and Miss Elizabeth come to the platform to the strains of “Real American.”

  “Well, you know something, brother,” begins Hogan, “ever since the Mega Powers been together, the whole country’s gone crazy, man. But you know something, there’s a reason for it. It’s the way you’re rewarded when you work hard. Look at the Macho Man, Randy Savage. He worked so hard in WrestleMania, look how he was rewarded, yeah. And as far as Hulk Hogan goes, man, because I trained so hard and I was s
o dedicated, I’ve got a sound mind and a sound body and the largest arms in the world—one heck of a reward! And as far as some of the other rewards go, because I’ve been walking the straight and narrow, I got a whole generation of little Hulksters following me.

  “You know something, Macho Man. Think about the rewards, man. If we win this match—which we will—in Madison Square Garden this Monday night, the SummerSlam, we’re gonna be rewarded with the fact that the Madness and the Mania is gonna live forever as the Mega Powers. Our lovely manager, Elizabeth, is gonna guide us to heights never before realized, and also all my little generation of Hulksters are gonna live forever with us. Think about the rewards the Multi-Million Dollar Man and André the Giant have got. They’ve already got the money, man. They’ve already been rewarded, they’ve already had the payoff. And you know what happens, brother, when people get paid off before they do the job.”

  “Ooooh yeah,” says the champ. “The big man is right. The big man is right! Hulk Hogan, I understand what you mean. They’ve already taken the money. That was their motivation, and they’ve received their reward. But in the SummerSlam, when it gets hot and heavy, when the going gets tough, they’re not gonna have the heart that the Macho Man and the Hulkster have!”

  “You know something, Macho Man? Since they got the money, they might—when the going gets tough—they might quit right in the middle of the job. Then we’ll have to drag ’em back and beat ’em anyway. But think about this, brother. If something happens, and things go the other way, if something happens, the Multi-Million Dollar Man has the deck stacked again. If Jack Tunney is at ringside, if he’s paid off, if Jesse Ventura’s been paid off, if the timekeeper’s been paid off, if the dudes who set the ring up put an extra metal bar in there, just so we can crack our heads, we’re gonna have to use our secret weapon, brother.”