Storytelling

by Keith Coleman

  1. Not Paying Attention

  Have you ever found it hard to concentrate halfway through a conversation? Those moments where you find yourself momentarily blanking out or thinking about something else, and when you snap back to the discussion you see that you’ve missed half the story. It often happens; sometimes our minds just tend to wander off, especially if a conversation isn’t riveting enough to hold our attention. That’s when the problem occurs because drifting in and out during a conversation means you’re potentially missing crucial parts of information.

  2. Different Accents and Jargons

  The world is a diverse melting pot these days, and we come across people from all sorts of different countries from around the world. Communicating with individuals who are so different from us can be an incredible learning experience, but it can also prove to be a considerable conversation barrier, especially when different accents are involved. Small talk can be confusing when you have trouble understanding a person because they pronounce certain words differently or use jargons which we may not understand. A small talk session is not going to be useful if you or the other party always have to apologize and ask for the question or statement to be repeated.

  3. Getting Distracted During

  Having your phone ring in the middle of a conversation is another example of a communication barrier. Or if you’re in the middle of a crowded area with lots of noise going on, people talking and phones continually beeping is also not an ideal situation. Straining to be heard will hardly lead to a great session. If you’re talking to someone, there’s nothing more off-putting than to see them being distracted by their devices or what is going on around them instead of being focused on you.

  4. Talking in A Rushed or Hasty Manner

  Have you ever had someone just rushing through a message and you knew they were just trying to get it over and done with because they had something else to do? That is a communication obstacle when a conversation is being hurried or rushed to an end. Not only is the person you are conversing with going to feel disturbed by your attitude, but by rushing through what you want to say, you place yourselves at risk of missing out on vital bits of information. Even if it’s small talk, treat it in the same manner that you would with an important client meeting. If you can’t give that conversation your full attention then don’t start it at all.

  5. Too Much Information

  Bombarding your listener with too much information at once is another communication obstacle you want to be careful to avoid if you hope to become an active conversationalist. You should not overload your listener with too much information since not everyone can process the amount they receive in the same way. Some people may be able to absorb information quickly, while others need more time to make sense of what they are being presented with. If you go all out and bombard your listener, you’re going to make them feel overwhelmed and disengaged from the conversation.

  Okay, So What Can I Do to Be Better at Conversation Despite These Obstacles?

  Glad you asked. Now that you’re aware of some of the common obstacles, we can work on overcoming them and improving your conversation skills. The following strategies will help you accomplish this:

  1. Think About the Listener

  While you may think you are easy enough to understand, remember that not everyone responds to information and conversation in the same way. Have you ever noticed that you don’t necessarily talk to two people in the same manner? Some jokes, for example, you would share with specific friends because you know they would get it, but you wouldn’t necessarily share that same joke with another group of friends. That’s an example of how some conversational messages need to be tweaked according to the audience, and this is a skill that you need to learn. Part of being a great conversationalist is knowing your audience and how to adjust what you’re saying to be understood and well received.

  2. Be Clear About What You’re Trying to Say

  It helps your conversation if you are clear about what you want to say before you attempt to convey your message to someone else. For example, try writing it down instead of just holding your thoughts in your head. When you write down what you plan to say (and this method works if you have time to prepare, such as before a networking event for example). It gives you a chance to clearly see the message you want to say, and you’ll be able to get a better judgment about whether your points come across clearly or not. It also gives you an excellent chance to see if you’ve missed out on any crucial points and it gives you time to practice what you want to say. If you don’t have the time to prepare before a conversation or small talk session, then try to keep your sentences short and avoid using any complicated words or jargon.

  3. Don’t Contradict Yourself

  Nothing is a conversation killer quite like someone who contradicts themselves when they’re talking. Keeping your points and the topic of your conversation consistent is how you become great at small talk. If you start contradicting yourself during a discussion, your listener is going to be confused about exactly what you’re trying to tell them. They will gradually lose interest and not be inclined to engage in a conversation with you after that since they won’t see you as trustworthy. An example of this could be at the workplace when you’re trying to communicate with a client, you need to be clear about your company’s mission, vision and what it stands for and why they should sign up for the service you are providing. They cannot do that if your messages and style of communication are unclear and contradictory.

  4. Using All the Right Words

  It’s not just about how you say it, but what you mean that is just as important, if not more so. Your choice of words during a conversation will determine just how well it goes. Again, this goes back to communicating effectively and getting your points across as clearly as you possibly can. One way you can do this is by keeping your words and sentences simple, direct and to the point. Don’t beat around the bush and make circles and loops telling unrelated points, anecdotes or stories before you get to the main point.

  5. Be Confident

  But not to a point where you come off as having an air of superiority or be perceived as an overconfident person. You need to find the balance between having just enough confidence, while at the same time making yourself seem approachable so that people want to talk and be around you. Examples of being overconfident are when you come off looking like a show-off or a know-it-all, as it’s often the case with someone who is well-versed and familiar with the subject of discussion. They might begin to tell instead of share. Instead of becoming a conversational information exchange, it becomes a conversation with one person saying the listener how things should be.

  6. Keeping Your Body Language Open and Welcoming

  When you’re about to engage in small talk with someone, especially someone you’re unfamiliar with, you need to remind and convince yourself that you are excited about having this conversation and you’re eager and curious to see what you can learn from someone else. This is so that your mind and body will work as one, being open, welcoming and inviting. The next time you’re out with friends, take note of what your body language is like. It’s probably relaxed, comfortable and no arms are crossed because you’re at ease and relaxed with the people you’re talking to. This is the kind of body language you need to project with every conversation you engage in, not just the ones you have with friends. Keeping your body language open, warm and inviting will entice others to want to participate in a conversation with you, they’ll subconsciously respond to the body language that you are emitting.

  7. Be A Good Listener

  Conquering small talk and become an excellent conversationalist is not just about what you say, but it’s also about how well you receive information. Being an active listener is one of the critical tools a good conversationalist always has. They know that listening to what others have to say is all a part of the active communication process. If you’re just doing all the talking without listening, you’re not going to be much of
a conversationalist right? Besides, if you can’t listen effectively, you’re going to end up missing out on the information you might need to develop a social interaction beyond small talk.

  8. Start Making Small Talk a Habit

  If you’re only working on improving your skills in forced encounters, then it’s going to take you a long time before you start to see any progress. A tip is to make small talk a habit by putting it into practice at every chance you get. Each encounter is an occasion to engage in a conversation with someone, an opportunity to hone your skills. Make mental notes about how you think you did, how the other person responded and what you think you can improve upon your next try.

  9. Subtly Copy the Person You’re Talking To

  If you’re feeling nervous during a small talk session then try the following: subtly but discreetly mimic the mannerisms of the person you are speaking too, especially if they happen to be a more confident person. This is sometimes known as mirroring, and what this does is let the person you’re having a talk with know that you feel comfortable in their presence. This helps to create a relaxed situation even if you feel a bit nervous.

  Chapter 2 Summary

  Communication barriers and obstacles will happen from time to time, despite your best efforts. Here are the key points you need to remember to reduce those obstacles to a minimum:

  ● Think about the messages you convey. Are they clear enough to be understood by whoever is listening to you?

  ● Learn how to tweak your messages according to your audience, because not everyone understands or interprets signals in the same manner.

  ● When you’re talking, think about your listener and how they might be receiving your messages. Put yourself in their shoes and think, Am I able to understand myself?

  ● Be clear about what you want to communicate to avoid contradicting yourself, or risk making the listener lose confidence in you and your message.

  ● Try to use the right/best words that will get your point across in the most precise way.

  ● Don’t bombard and overload your listener with too much information all at once, because you might risk making them feel overwhelmed. Pace yourself. There’s no need to get everything out there all at once.

  ● Don’t rush through what you’re trying to say or attempt to communicate hurriedly. If you don’t have the time to spare, avoid engaging in a small talk conversation.

  ● Keep distractions to a minimum so you can pay attention to the person you are talking to.

  ● Avoid engaging in small talk in an environment that is noisy and filled with distractions. If it’s not the right time or place, hold off until later.

  ● Be an active listener and give your full attention to whoever you may be speaking to.

  ● Put your phone on silent and minimize anything that can distract you when you’re attempting to engage in a small talk conversation.

  ● Be confident, but not to a point where you come off seeming like a superior know-it-all.

  ● Keep your body language warm, open and inviting throughout every conversation you have, much like how you do when you’re with a group of friends.

  ● Start making small talk a habit by actively engaging in practice sessions at every opportunity, even if the person you’re talking to doesn’t know that you’re practicing. With each practice session, take note of how people responded to you, how well you think you did and what you think you can improve upon next time.

  ● If small talk sessions still make you nervous, a good strategy is to mimic the mannerisms of the person you’re talking to, especially if they have more confidence.

  Chapter 3:

  Getting Started on Building Effective Conversation Skills

  It would be great if we were all born with the gift of being a natural speaker. We may not possess the skills just yet, but the good news is that conversation and small talk is something that can be developed.

  Everyone can learn how to conquer small talk with the right methods and strategies at their disposal, whether it’s in everyday life or at work.

  I’m Ready to Begin Conquering Small Talk, Let’s Do This!

  You already have to communicate and converse with people almost daily. Now is the time to fine-tune those skills to become even better, to a point where you can small talk with complete strangers and still have the conversation flowing smoothly as if you’ve known each other all along. Forget mindless chit-chat, these small talk sessions should be productive since you never know what networking opportunities they may lead to.

  To start improving your conversational skills, here is what you need to do:

  1. Be Adaptable and Flexible

  In Chapter Two, we talked about how you wouldn’t necessarily speak to one group of friends the way that you would with another. You talk to your friends, family, co-workers, and strangers differently; it’s not just one style of speaking. Being adaptable and flexible, able to change your manner and form to suit the audience that you’re dealing with is how you become a great conversationalist. The key here is to tailor each message to suit your audience. So, before you even commence your conversation session (especially with people you don’t know that well), you need to make a quick assessment about who you’re going to speak to and how you should approach them.

  2. Keep it Concise

  The best way to make yourself clearly understood to your audience during small talk sessions is to keep your sentences, words, and manner as clear and concise as possible. Nobody likes listening to long-winded stories, especially if they have just met you or you’re in a work-networking type of situation. To conquer small talk, you need to become someone who people want to have a conversation with and enjoy talking to. This means you need to start practicing becoming someone that gets right to the point when needed. If a piece of information is unimportant, then you probably can skip it. Stick to the facts and the points, and you’ll do just fine.

  3. Block Out Distractions

  When attempting to engage someone in a conversation, always make sure both parties are in the right frame of mind and environment. For example, if there’s too much distraction going on, then it’s probably best to not engage right there and then. Before engaging in a conversation with someone, ensure that you don't have any pressing matters that may demand your attention, these will likely cause you to exit the conversation sooner than you might want to.

  4. Don’t Be a Mumbler

  Mumbling and stumbling are not considered a desirable skill for obvious reasons. To be an excellent conversationalist, you need to speak openly and definitively, even projecting your voice if needed. Practice by yourself in the mirror, pretending you’re conversing with someone. Record yourself on your mobile phone to see how you sound. Are you able to clearly understand everything you’re saying? Does it make any sense?

  5. Changing the Way You Think

  Before picking this book up, you’ve probably had some low self-esteem related to social interactions. Now it's time to change your mindset and reframe your thoughts about yourself. The first step is to believe you are a great speaker. Confidence is going to make a huge difference, and a person cannot be confident if they are consistently filled with doubt. The minute you start to question yourself, put a stop to it and say, I CAN do this. You need to repeatedly persuade yourself until you believe it. It’s entirely up to you to build up your confidence, nobody will do it for you.

  6. Visualizing Yourself Succeeding

  Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Visualization is a concept preached by many successful individuals because it works. Unfortunately, visualization is underestimated and not used enough. Think you can’t visualize? Think again. If you can picture all the things that might go wrong in a situation, you can most certainly do the opposite by portraying yourself succeeding. Visualize yourself in a small talk session with someone. Imagine with clarity all the things you’re saying, what you’re talking about, and imagine it going great. Keep doing this exercise, training your mind to bec
ome better and better until it is no longer a struggle

  7. Be Prepared

  The most successful and confident individuals are the ones who are always prepared for every situation. If up until now you were just winging it with your small talk sessions then it's time to put a little work in beforehand. Preparing for a prior business meeting, client meeting or network session is easy because you’ll already know what to expect and what type of people that will attend. Preparing for individuals you might meet without warning is a little trickier, but it can be done. How? By arming yourself with knowledge of topics which will make good conversation starters. Research and read about the latest general happenings, your surroundings and other issues which would do well as a conversation starter. Being prepared will help with situations where you find yourself stumbling at a loss for what to talk about. You’ll gradually gain confidence with each successful encounter.

  8. Be Present

  Do this wholly and wholeheartedly when you’re talking to another person. Being there doesn’t just mean being there physically and going through the motions, it means being there mentally if you want to truly engage in a meaningful conversation with someone. The other party can tell whether you’re giving them your full attention, or if your mind is distracted and thinking about something else. This ties in closely with body language, because the subtle cues that our bodies emit, even when we may not be thinking about it, are far more powerful than the words that we speak. We may think we’re doing all the right things, but your body language will be the one that gives you away. The only way to ensure you’re entirely present during a conversation is to not have anything else distracting you.