by Casey Herzog
“I can’t help but lose my temper, and I don’t know why. Your father took me underneath his wing and gave me a something of a purpose. I was just going through the motions and trying to hide from the Elders and their Guardians. A lot of us have stopped practicing in public because we fear the hunter is watching everywhere. I let that myth play with my mind.” He was stirring the pot, and then I heard this little voice in my head that I thought was my conscience.
”Go slow; you don’t want to get hurt. You’ve lost too much already, and any more will cripple you emotionally.” The voice made sense, but I had to take the risk to be happy.
“I want you to know I’m not here for your father. I’m here because you need me. I really don’t know what else to say other than you have become important to me. I have to say I was quite surprised by that myself. I’m not even thinking about my own protection; it scares me to think like this. I’ve been watching you from afar, but I don’t want that to scare you; I wouldn’t do anything to make you fear me.”
It was an old-fashioned notion that romance was still alive. He was cooking and putting on a show by juggling tomatoes and other vegetables. I touched his hand. One touch of his hand quickened my pulse.
“I don’t know who you are trying to fool. She may be too infatuated with you to realize you are a danger. I’m going to give you fair warning in her father’s name. I never liked Professor Lockhart, but at least he never lied to me. He treated me like I was an adult and not like a little kid you had to walk around on eggshells to avoid hurting. I feel it’s my duty to watch out for her. In the real world, we are less than equals, but her father spoke to me from the grave.”
Damien was certainly getting our attention and there was nothing that I could say. I wanted to hear what was on his mind.
“You and I have never been friends, Damien, but there’s no reason to slander my name. I have done nothing to warrant that kind of reaction. I have never given you any reason to think I was a threat. It hurts me that you see me that way. I’ve gone out of my way to welcome you, and you slap my hand away each and every time. I could be vindictive and tell you supper is only for me and Gillian, but I won’t; this is a meal meant to share with people I care about.” William was being nice, and I could tell Damien was skeptical
“You can take my word for it or not, Gillian. He’s trying to make you think of him as your savior, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. I see his true intentions with a dark circle around his aura. I see into men’s hearts, and there is something more to William.” This had to be Damien’s way of pushing a wedge in between us, and for me to doubt William. I saw a good man, and I didn’t care what anyone said to the contrary.
Damien was speaking as if my father’s voice was telling him what to say. That man would never approve of anyone I was with. He liked to intimidate, but that was one thing he never could accomplish with me. I thought I was always one step ahead of him, but it could be the other way around.
“It would be a good idea for the both of you to wash up for dinner. Look at me talking like I’m the father of this dysfunctional family. Don’t mind me. Do whatever you want; I’m not one to dictate anyone’s lives,” William said.
I set the table and went upstairs to put on the seductive finishing touches to make him see me as a woman rather than a little girl.
I only used enough to accentuate the positives. I had a dress I had been keeping for a special occasion... It made me feel like I was emerging from a cocoon into a butterfly. I never had the courage to wear it. Even now, I was hesitant, but I wanted to make a lasting impression. I wanted him to see me as more than just a friend.
The mirror suddenly changed and my facial features began to shift noticeably like I was looking at the dark part of my soul all over again. I shouldn’t have done it, but I reached out and felt my hand being pulled like I was being torn apart.
I tried to scream but nothing came out. I was being sucked into something beyond my wildest imagination. I heard myself screaming in my head. It was loud enough to make me feel like I was losing my mind.
Chapter Ten
I stood there shivering in the freezing cold with windswept snow swirling around me. I was not dressed for the elements and I felt ill equipped to handle what was going to happen next.
I’d heard of a land like this, but nobody was brave enough to venture that far into the wilderness. There was one guy foolish enough, and he was never heard from again. They said that he died frozen in the snow clinging onto life with his last breath. Theodore Forster was a man who believed limitations were for fools.
“Loyalty is a lost commodity, and one you have to hold onto. Do not fear because I am there with you every step of the way; I will never leave you alone.
“Think hard about the person you believe is loyal to a fault. Give him substance and he will be there by your side. Forgive me, him or her; I know gender equality is something that you take seriously. Find your inner strength and reach deep because you’re going to need it.”
The voice was very unnerving, and I felt a growing pit in my stomach.
The pain was overwhelming and I doubled over, seeing my breath in front of me and knowing that dying of frostbite was a big possibility. There was nothing to see; everything was frozen for as far as the eye could see.
I was not ready to give up just yet; there was no way that I was going to allow anybody to kill the magic inside me. The pain was like somebody was punching me repeatedly without mercy or remorse. I grimaced through it and stood strong and tall as if I were standing where my father was.
“You have got to be kidding me. How is it even possible you thought of me at a time like this?” I turned to the voice and saw Damien standing there with icicles on his nose. “I told myself I shouldn’t get involved, but I did anyway. I don’t want to be a part of your task, but it doesn’t look like I have much of a choice.” I had no idea why I called upon Damien. It wasn’t like I even liked him. Who was I kidding; that wasn’t really true. There was something about him that made me think that he had some redeeming qualities.
Unfortunately, I didn’t think that loyalty was one of them, but maybe my perception was wrong. He was here for a reason and I wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. There was no guarantee, but having him here made me think I had a fighting chance. I’d always believed I was a survivor. I wanted to be homebound, but facing this was a trial that could not be avoided.
“I would like to say I don’t need you, but for some reason, I am happy you’re here.” I saw the bracelet on his wrist and my heart sank with the knowledge that his magic was stunted temporarily. “I don’t even know what you can do in the shape you are in. It’s not like you can reach down and unlock the magic hidden within. My father will always live in my precious memory and I feel like I need him more than I have ever needed him before.” I had fallen several times growing up in various degrees, but I always found a way to stand back up. It had to be the Lockhart blood making me stronger with every step I made in life.
“I’m going to reiterate that I don’t want to be here, but since I am, we may as well work together to find a way out.”
I turned hoping that it would be as simple as seeing a window of opportunity. I saw no visible sign of whatever doorway I had stepped through.
“Gillian, we don’t have to like each other, but we are going to have to rely on one another. Take my hand. Just because I can’t tap into my magic doesn’t mean you can’t.” I’d never thought of that. This kid was showing some amazing fortitude when it came to thinking outside of the box.
“I can only hope that this is not some manifestation of some nightmare I had when I was a child. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to you under my watch. You were entrusted to my care to show you a different way, and I feel like I have disappointed you. If there was a way, I would gladly send you back, but I don’t think that’s an option.” I had this overwhelming need to scream, and I did so with the wind ripping it
from my throat never to be heard again.
“I’ve never been one to really wear my emotions on my sleeve. This is no time to feel sorry for yourself. Your father taught us these tests were meant to challenge the perception of what was considered right and wrong. Hard decisions have to be made in any war, and soldiers are built from sacrifices. Those are the very words your father told me when I had my first test. I don’t want to admit this, but my third test was my undoing. I’m not allowed to speak of it, but suffice it to say I didn’t have the moral fiber to be granted magic eyes. You are different than I am, and I don’t say that to build you up and then knock you back down.”
Damien’s hair was frozen with crystals of snow clinging to the follicles. I put my hand out, and he begrudgingly took it because this was, after all, his suggestion. I felt this immediate warmth; trusting his judgment had turned out to be a good thing. We were both still breathing puffs of cold air into the wind. I was worried William was looking for us in a mad panic, but I couldn’t think like that when the only thing that should be on my mind was getting out unscathed.
“There’s a reason you’re here with me, and I have to take solace in the fact you came calling when I needed you the most. I don’t really understand all of this, but I get the feeling like you had a choice whether or not to accept. You claim otherwise, but you just might be protesting a little bit too much.” I deserved better than this, and these tests designed by my father were a slap in my face. Without him around, despite our strained relationship, I was destined to walk the world alone. Of course, maybe that was underplaying the importance of having friends.
We took a few steps ahead and the snow began to melt around us. I wasn’t sure how long the warmth was going to last, but it felt good, like I was standing in front of a roaring fire with a bearskin rug. I don’t know why I thought about that, but maybe it was my idea of romance.
I didn’t want to lose my innocence unless it was with the man of my dreams. He had to be handsome and strong enough to deliver a performance to take my breath away. Sex was not just an “impure” act, as the Elders would say. It was a serious bond made when two bodies joined in a holy union.
“I shouldn’t say this, but here, in this place, I can read your thoughts. It must come from the connection made between magic and yours.” I saw him blushing. He was embarrassed by what my mind had conjured. “I just thought that you should have fair warning in case you feel a need to show that kind of depravity again. Keep a tighter leash on your emotions. You can’t let it rule you; it should be the other way around. I’ve mastered a technique that allows me to suffer in silence even though I have dangerous thoughts that revolve around the person who took my family away from me.”
It was apparent that his desire for revenge was bringing the dark arts another victim to consume. It was a fine line that had to be balanced and he had not learned how to do that yet. According to my father’s wishes, it was up to me to make him realize his potential without putting others in danger. His magic was strong and I could feel cracks forming like he was fighting with every instinct to break free of the chain around his wrist.
“I’m glad you told me. I also have something to tell you that you may not like. The magic you have is strong, and it’s capable of getting stronger with whatever anger you might have building up inside. I don’t think this is the time for you to break free. You may not even realize you’re doing it, but it’s happening. You need to do something to quell that hunger.” We kept walking not really knowing where we were going, feeling slightly lost as if we were never going to find civilization.
“I’ve had my whole world turned upside down, and I think you understand how that feels. Don’t presume to know me. I might be young, but that doesn’t mean I have to have you hold my hand. Don’t think for a second I have anything to be grateful for. The only thing I found even tolerable about the school was your father. Everybody else treated me like I was small and insignificant. He knew better and tried to tell them, but he could never make them listen. The only one who had any inkling was Professor Bethesda. I have a feeling that your father was instrumental in enlightening him.” The snow was hitting whatever invisible force field surrounding us in this heated bubble.
“I’ve tried my best over the years to limit my interactions with my father. I learned that asking for anything was only asking for disappointment. I wish we had been closer and had time to mend these broken fences, but we don’t. That’s something that I’m going to have to accept, whether I want to or not is beside the point. We just never seemed to fit. I don’t want to say this, but sometimes I think his death was a blessing in disguise. He finally freed me from the responsibility of always trying to live up to his expectations.” I didn’t know why I was using him as a confidant, but it didn’t look like we had anything else to do at the moment.
“If you don’t know this, then I need to be the one to tell you: he did love you. You may have heard that from others, but I doubt you have really let it sink in. He was proud of you, and that’s one of the main reasons I hate you. That might be a strong term, but I can’t help but think you took a part of him away from me. He was not my father, but he made me believe I was destined for bigger things. I always thought the one obstacle in my way was you.” There was a sudden crack of thunder, and I realized the ground that I was trembling underneath my feet.
“I don’t know what that was, but I don’t think it was good for either of us. I’m glad to see you’re not scared like some little boys would be in your position.” I stood, still hoping no action was good action.
“I don’t suppose you have any idea what this is about. Everybody has their own perception when it comes to having loyalty that cannot be broken. Yours was born from the past, and this is what you see. Only you can determine what this means; I can only be here to be a sounding board.” His words sounded hollow as the wind picked up; we could barely see 2 inches in front of our faces.
“I don’t know, but I think I should. If this is because of me, then it has to be something brought about by a past memory. I seem to remember a snowstorm and how the whole world seemed to stop because of it.” I was lost in a dream, and there was no way to know which way to go. Things were moving way too slowly and I needed more information before I made any of the hard decisions Damien had mentioned.
“I wasn’t sure what to make of you when we first met, Damien. I suppose I was waiting for some small clue you weren’t as evil as you appeared to be. You might fool others into thinking you’re not caring, but I see something budding underneath the surface.” I wasn’t going to be caught in a manifestation of my own mind.
“Everybody thinks I play hide and seek with my true intentions. I do like playing games, but it’s mostly to amuse myself. I shouldn’t, but I find enjoyment in the suffering of others. It gives me a feeling I can’t really describe. I can see I am a page in your history. We need to go hand in hand into whatever danger presents itself.” He was confident, but I could see something had shaken his resolve.
We heard the crack of thunder again, and then I remembered that very same sound coming from the mountains. A feeling of dread gripped me by the throat. I was looking at a wall of snow bearing down on me. I was too shocked to move, and the only thing I could do was look in horror as I realized I was going to be buried under an avalanche of snow. I finally found the courage to break free and run with all the speed that a little girl could muster.
“Gillian, I don’t know where you went, but this is no time to daydream.” I heard Damien’s voice, but my memories were too strong to respond.
I don’t know why I didn’t remember this before now; it seemed like something that would be forever ingrained in my memories. I looked towards the edge of a cliff, skidding to a stop and almost going over to the great unknown.
I was startled back to reality by Damien tugging at my sleeve and looking like he had seen his life flash before his eyes. He was trying to say something. I felt my feet moving and looked down to see there was a c
hasm spreading before me.
Chapter Eleven
I could tell Damien was waiting for me to do something, but that same shock I felt from my childhood was now coming back with an even greater force of resistance. My eyes were darting around as I thought about how I was going to survive. The ground beneath my feet was opening wide and there was nothing below. My feet stretched. I had to act like some sort of contortionist.
The story of my life was coming apart; the pages that had already been read floated in the ether in front of my face. Words lost all meaning as I took one breath after another, thinking that it was going to be my last.
I didn’t know what happened to make me lose my memory, but it was coming back to me. That feeling of dread was making my knees knock together, while Damien was begging me with tears in his eyes to make this go away.
I saw myself as that same little girl, terrified beyond words with my fingers shaking. I could hear the rumble behind me and I didn’t dare look to see what was ultimately going to be my frozen grave.
I heard a voice calling to me and I saw a hand outstretched that made me look into the darkness that had me impaled on the spear of truth. I reached for that hand, and through the driving snow came that same conviction. I didn’t allow it to cripple me.
I heard a gasp, and it wasn’t of surprise. Dangling from my hand was Damien over what I could only describe as a black hole. He passed out, hanging there limply with me holding on to him as the only means of rescue coming our way.
The little girl was snatched from the jaws of death by a father who seemed indifferent as to whether or not she survived. There was no emotion on his face, and I thought he was like some unfeeling robot. He looked into my eyes and said words that seemed to penetrate my skull like a sharpened scalpel. He was the one who took away that memory and left behind another more pleasing one. He had messed with my mind to prevent me from having the nightmares that would persist from that kind of trauma.