My Life as Athena: The Private Memoirs of a Greek Goddess

by Daphne Ignatius

  “Ah, Athena, good evening! Give me one minute to finish,” he said over his shoulder, his resonant voice still intact. Moving over to a barrel of water, he plunged the sword into the water, causing a cloud of steam to fill his workshop. After a moment, he put the sword on a rack to dry and wiped his filthy hands on a rag.

  “May I offer you some wine?” he inquired, his golden eyes twinkling at me. I softened. His face and body may have changed, but his soul was as generous and honorable as ever.

  “Not for me, thank you,” I said. “I just escaped dinner with the parents.”

  Hephaestus chuckled and found another rag to wipe a stool down for me. His limp was definitely much worse than before. “Better you than me! I usually find excuses for Mother’s family dinners.”

  “I wish you would attend,” I said as I seated myself on the stool. “Those dinners wouldn’t be quite so painful with you to interject some humor. Their claws were out again tonight.”

  Hephaestus shrugged and pulled up a stool of his own. “Mother and I have never been close, so I don’t feel the need to pretend familial affection. So, what’s been occupying you lately?” he asked, changing the subject.

  “Nothing unusual. I’m aiding in some negotiations between the Athenians and the Cretans. I’m supposed to intercede with the Cretan gods to sway the negotiations, but I don’t know that much about them. Time for some research. What about you? What were you working on just now?”

  “Ah, now that is a real experiment. I’m playing with iron.”

  “Iron?” I said in surprise. “But it’s softer than bronze.”

  “Unrefined iron is, but I’ve discovered if you beat and fold it repeatedly, it makes it stronger. I don’t know if this will go anywhere, but it’s fun for the moment.”

  “Hephaestus?” I said hesitantly. “Has anything changed with you? Your limp is worse.”

  He sighed. “So you noticed. A lot of things have been changing. Wait here a moment.” He stood and went to the back of his workshop, returning with a wrapped bundle.

  “Look at this,” he said, handing the bundle to me. I unwrapped it, dying with curiosity. It was a crudely carved figurine about the right size for a personal shrine. It featured a burly male figure holding a smith’s hammer, an anvil beside him. One ankle was swollen and misshapen.

  “It’s supposed to be me,” Hephaestus said as he sat down again. “These are everywhere now in blacksmith workshops.”

  My mind whirled into action. The power of worship... I gasped in horror. “Are you changing to match this form?”

  “Clever Athena,” said Hephaestus with a grim smile. “Yes, I believe humans are changing me into what they perceive me to be.”

  “Hephaestus!” I reached out to touch his arm in dismay. “I’m so sorry! Is there anything you can do?”

  “I’ve been trying to reverse it, but the power of worship is potent. I’ve tried the power of will, of healing, but thus far, nothing has worked.” Hephaestus gave me a shrewd look. “You do realize that it’s happening to you too, don’t you?” His gaze dropped to my waist. I recoiled, offended. Really! I might have been eating a little more than usual, but I still looked fine.

  “It’s in your face, as well. Your eyes have turned fully silver. Your face has rounded, your jawline has softened, and your nose has lengthened slightly as well,” Hephaestus blushed even under the soot. “You look gentler, more mature. Womanly.”

  I shot to my feet. Gaia! No mirror in sight. I walked to the water barrel instead and looked in. Hephaestus brought a torch so that I was better lit. Shocked, I traced the line of my jaw. He was right. How could I have missed this? I generally only glanced at a mirror to make sure my robes were straight before shooting out the door. My lack of feminine vanity was killing me!

  “It has to be that stupid statue!” The Athenians had commissioned a massive gold and ivory statue of me for the newly built Parthenon. The sculptor had been a little creative (especially with the strange headdress), but I’ve always encouraged creativity, so I smiled when they unveiled it. The statue was awe inspiring, and thus served my purpose. But now that I put some thought into it, the statue had a matronly figure, with a thicker waist and a rounded, serious face. And larger breasts. I looked down automatically. Yes, that too.

  “Well, this is just wrong,” I said to no one in particular. Behind me, Hephaestus gave a snort of laughter.

  “You look wonderful, Athena. Don’t worry about that. I’m the one with the problem. This ankle of mine is probably going to turn itself backwards soon. I saw a figurine carved that way. Creative license!” he chuckled, shaking his head as he limped back to his stool. “If that happens, I want you to break it and reset it properly!” I paled.

  “What do we do? Hire different sculptors and flood the market, perhaps?”

  “A publicity campaign?” quipped Hephaestus with a crooked grin. “Better looking gods for a better tomorrow!”

  I wanted to scream. “Will you be serious, please? This is a real problem.”

  Hephaestus sobered. “Athena, perhaps this is only right. Nothing comes free. We depend on our worshippers for strength and power. There is always a cost associated with taking. This is it. In a way, they own us now.”

  I recoiled. “I was strong before I became patroness of Athens.”

  “Not like you are now. Nowhere close. Be honest with yourself. Could you give up all this power?”

  I shook my head silently.

  “Neither can I. But we don’t have to sit here and accept this. I intend to keep investigating ways to halt the transformation. Are you with me?”

  I took his strong hand. “Of course. I don’t want to become a fat sow.”

  Love

  Dear readers, I must admit that I deliberately skipped over a major chapter in my life. For centuries, I lived happily as a maiden, enjoying the autonomy and the respect accorded to a maiden goddess. Nevertheless, when I finally became patroness of Athens, I had also reached another milestone, which was the fulfillment of my original oath to Gaia. At first, nothing changed and I went about my business as usual. But as Athens prospered and tribal warfare became less frequent, my mind wandered down some unusual paths.

  I started to notice the physicality of the males around me. Apollo was clearly the best looking, but unfortunately he couldn’t carry on a conversation unless it was about him. I enjoyed the view, as it were, but definitely not the mind. I also didn’t think that he had the spine to violate Zeus’s edict with me. Ares was another story. He definitely had the courage to defy Zeus, and had the looks to boot. He sported the Greek ideal, which was a subtly muscled body. His beard had come in fully but the rest of him was smooth and golden. He also tended to be closed-mouthed and held to a strict code of behavior—both of which I found appealing. As far as I knew, he had never taken a woman against her will, which was a rare trait in Olympus. Too bad that he resented me so.

  Poseidon’s looks turned me off completely, as did his attitude towards women. He was the ultimate chauvinist. Hermes was a nice figure of a man, but he was my father’s creature through and through, and would never dare to defy Zeus. Dionysus would, but that was because he was an idiot youth that I couldn’t stand. Hephaestus had the finest spirit of all of them, but I valued him too much as a friend and brother, to jeopardize that in any way. Finally, I was definitely not desperate enough to have an affair with a lowly human, so there I was, resigned to an eternity of curiosity that would never be satisfied.

  Then one day, Hades came to Olympus, escorting Persephone back to her mother for the next six months. My gaze lighted on him in sudden surprise as he helped Persephone down from his chariot with a half-smile, a quiet and elegant man with a touch of severity that echoed mine. He was hardly ever on Olympus, and was not dependent on Zeus. Before you judge me by your twenty-first century standards, you must realize that the only forbidden relationship in those days was between parent and child. Relationships between uncles and nieces were frowned upon, but my own fath
er had already violated that by then… The only real problem I faced was that he was my half-sister’s husband and I had been instrumental in getting them together. I shot a regretful look at him, before turning my gaze away to the sight of Demeter as she hugged her daughter in greeting.

  Hades slowly became the itch that I couldn’t scratch. He popped into my mind at odd moments, disrupting my focus. The more I tried not to think of him, the more I failed. For the first time in my long life, I experienced the delicious thrill of a crush. What can I say? I was a late bloomer.

  Discomfort started to eat at me, so I stayed away from gatherings that Persephone attended, pleading an overabundance of work. I would send away my handmaidens, and lie on my couch pulling in my bare feet under my long peplos, heart thumping slowly as I contemplated taking a bite of forbidden fruit. It was on one such night that my resolve finally collapsed, and I gave in to temptation.

  I materialized in front of Hades’ villa in the Underworld. As before, the fireball hung from the ceiling of the cavern, and the moss was soft underfoot. This time, however, there were a couple of nymphs laying a simple meal in the courtyard of Hades’ house. My ardor was instantly quenched as reality intruded. The nymphs looked up and saw me. One glided forward to greet me while the other ran to get the master of the house. By the time I was seated under the false tree by the polite nymph, I was sure that my face was flaming red. My mind ground to a halt as I tried to come up with a reasonable excuse for my visit.

  Hades walked out of the interior of his villa and greeted me courteously, although there was an undercurrent of puzzlement.

  “Athena, what a pleasant surprise. Is everything all right with Persephone?”

  I cringed, now thoroughly embarrassed. “She’s perfectly fine. In fact, she’s at a gathering at Hestia’s villa right now,” I babbled.

  Hades looked downcast. “I’m glad, although I do miss her deeply. Still, she is an Earth goddess, and needs to be out of the Underworld to thrive. She doesn’t have much company down here except for the dead.”

  Compassion bloomed within me, as it was clear to me that Hades needed Persephone more than she needed him. I would have liked to take his hand to comfort him, but didn’t quite trust myself to. However, I did have a decent excuse now.

  “That’s why I’m here. I wanted to make sure that you weren’t too lonely without her.”

  Hades started, managing to look both surprised and pleased at the same time. “How kind. Could I tempt you to sit down to a simple meal with me?”

  “You certainly can.” I smiled, more confident now that this had just become a familial visit, and not an aborted seduction attempt. I had not counted on Hades’ particular talents, however. As Lord of the Underworld, he had long been adept at sorting truth from lies. He shot me penetrating looks every now and then through the meal as we chatted. He gave me another such when it came time for me to depart.

  “Come back whenever you like,” he murmured, taking my hand in farewell. “I enjoy your company.” My heart gave a little lurch at that, but I was proud that I was able to paste a polite smile on my face and withdraw my hand. Unfortunately, that seemingly harmless little touch had told Hades everything he needed to know. His eyes widened even as his face went still and he stepped back to let me dematerialize.

  I was essentially one big knot when I arrived back at my villa. Wanting to be alone, I sent my handmaid Iris away, telling her that I would see to myself. I took down my hair and curled back on my couch, sighing in relief, but also disappointed that I hadn’t the courage to see my intent through. Still, I reasoned, if it didn’t feel right, it wasn’t meant to be.

  Time passed quickly, and it was suddenly midway through Persephone’s time on Olympus. Hades had braved Demeter’s resentful eye to visit Persephone unexpectedly in her mother’s house. After bidding her farewell, he stopped by Hestia’s house to greet the rest of the goddesses, who had gathered there for some weaving and chatter.

  “Well met, Ladies,” he bowed as we clustered under Hestia’s oak tree. “You are all looking wonderful.” Titters broke out all around. His dark gaze rested briefly on me before moving to the others.

  “And how is the lovely Persephone today?” asked Aphrodite, sending him a mischievous glance as he took a seat on a marble bench.

  “As well watched as ever,” replied Hades wryly to general laughter, shrugging his indigo cloak off his shoulders, letting it puddle behind him. Underneath, he was bare-armed and in a short, belted chiton (although of respectable length, to my disappointment). “It was getting colder by the minute, although the sun was overhead.”

  “Well, we’re glad that you are here to visit,” said Hestia graciously as she poured him a cup of wine. “We don’t see enough of you. How are things in the Underworld?” Conversation went on as I bent my head over my wood carving of a new concept: a narrow, flat-bottomed boat that could be towed upriver by animals.

  “We’re out of almonds and grapes,” Hestia announced, starting to wriggle out from under the flat loom. Hades bounced up.

  “Let me get them, sister,” he said, bending to peck her on the cheek. Hestia settled back, looking pleased at the attention. “Athena, perhaps you can show me where the kitchen is.”

  I nodded, putting my carving aside and brushing away the wood curls caught on my gown. I escorted him a short distance to the kitchen door, at the back of the villa. When we were inside, I reached up to a shelf to pull down a jar of almonds, and turned to hand it to him.

  Hades took the jar, considered it for a moment as if deciding, then placed it on the windowsill and pulled me into his arms. I gasped in shock as his mouth descended on mine. My lips parted without resistance as his tongue swept in and rasped against mine. I clung to him as my dead-of-night longings finally took form. Hades angled his head to deepen his kiss, one hand coming up to tangle in my hair. Exhilaration bloomed along with a tinge of fear that someone would see us. Hades finally pulled back to regard me with his dark eyes.

  “If you want me, come to my home tonight,” he whispered in my ear before releasing me. He picked up the almond jar, gave me a crooked smile, and walked out. Lightheaded from the shock and the force of my desire, I slumped onto a kitchen bench, fingertips rising to press against my tingling lips. By Gaia, my first kiss! Rising to my feet, I at least had the presence of mind to find a jar of raisins before going back out to join the others.

  Night came to Olympus, and I strode about my garden, fiddling with the flute in my hands. I was still caught between exhilaration and fear. Going to Hades would put me at risk of being evicted as a maiden goddess, and perhaps being trapped under a mountain for eternity. Zeus would probably go after his brother with thunderbolts. Persephone would be heartbroken. Possibly. I still wasn’t certain that she truly loved Hades, or just wanted to be his queen.

  There was everything to lose by going to Hades, and nothing to gain—except to satisfy my damned curiosity and thwart my father’s will. Nobody has the right to dictate what any woman does with her own body, except for herself. That conviction above all took me from Olympus to the Underworld.

  When I arrived in front of Hades’ villa, the cavern was dark. Instead of the bright fireball from my earlier visits, there were a few pinpoints of light above me that simulated stars. Only the villa itself was brightly lit, glowing like a precious jewel in the dark.

  I walked towards it, the soft moss under my feet absorbing the sounds of my footsteps. Though the villa was dotted with glowing braziers, it felt deserted with no servants coming forward to greet me as before. When I entered the courtyard, a shadowy figure moved out from the darkness beneath the tree and into the flickering light.

  Hades stepped towards me wordlessly before taking one hand in both of his and raising it to his lips. He turned it over unexpectedly, dropping a soft kiss on my palm before folding my fingers over it. I shivered at the intimacy of that kiss, the hairs on my arms raising in response.

  Hades broke the silence first. “I love Persepho
ne deeply,” he said, his eyes intent on mine, “and I will never leave her. But I long for you... Still, if your heart is troubled, you should leave now— before we do something that can never be undone.”

  Hades was giving me one last opportunity for a graceful exit, but I did not need it. I had already made my decision. I was ready for this. I stepped forward and lifted one hand to his cheek, looking deeply into his dark eyes. And then I tilted my face up to claim his lips. I felt the dam break within him, as his arms came around me and pulled me in tight. His hand raised to thread itself into my hair as our kiss deepened. When we pulled apart moments later, it was only to move towards the steps that led up into the villa, our eyes never leaving one another. What happened next will forever stay between Hades and me.

  I went to the Underworld several times before Persephone began preparing for her trip home. It was the perfect place for an affair, because Hades controlled every aspect of it. No word would ever get out, and it was shielded from all living eyes—even Helios, who could see all of Olympus and Earth as he drove his chariot across the sky.

  Even when I was back in Olympus and trying to focus on Athens, I longed for Hades with a physical hunger. I counted the moments until I was back with him. To his credit, he never took me into his marital bed, but to one of the other rooms where we would stay until day was breaking on Olympus. I’d had no idea the depth of passion that Hades could bring to the bedroom, as his normal demeanor was of such restrained elegance. Luckily for me, all restraint dropped off at the bedchamber door and he turned out to be an excellent teacher in all things.

  I took the same precautions that mortal women took to avoid pregnancy. They worked just as well for me as they did for mortal women—when Hades arrived at Olympus to take Persephone home, I knew that I was pregnant.