by Anne Barwell
“I am home.” Marcus removed Garth’s hand from his knee and took another swig of water. Sweat trickled down the back of his neck. “We’re over, Garth. I left Hokitika to start a new life. You should do the same. You don’t need my permission.”
“You always were cold, Marcus.” Garth took off his glasses and polished them on the bottom of his shirt, like he always did when he didn’t like something Marcus said. “I hope this new guy of yours knows what he’s getting into.”
“That’s none of your business.” Marcus’s mouth felt suddenly dry, despite the water he’d been drinking.
“Still not talking about stuff, I see. At least I’m trying to change. Well, don’t come crying to me when you and this Joel have the same issues we did.”
“I wasn’t planning to.” Despite everything Garth had said, Marcus still didn’t want their last conversation to be an argument. Better if he took a few extra minutes and finished things for good. The last thing he needed was to give Garth the impression they should talk again later. “Look, I’m sorry things didn’t last between us. But it is over. You should go out with Felicity. At least give the relationship a chance.”
“I’m planning to.” Garth almost echoed Marcus’s words but twisted them to suit his own situation.
Marcus had forgotten how good Garth was at doing that. Seeing him had made all the bad stuff disappear that had niggled at him for years. At least until Garth reminded him all too well why they’d broken up. Part of the reason they’d drifted apart was because Marcus had distanced himself emotionally from Garth bit by bit as the cracks in their relationship had become harder to ignore.
An awkward silence stretched between them.
“I’m sorry,” Garth whispered. He started for reach for Marcus’s hand and then stopped. “I’ve stepped over a line. I wanted to talk to you, and it hurts knowing you’ve found someone else already. I meant what I said about missing you. I’d still like to be friends.”
“Yeah, you have, and I thought we still were.” Marcus knew he’d screwed up by ignoring Garth’s efforts to stay in touch, but he hadn’t known how else to handle the situation. “I told you I needed some distance between us first.”
“I don’t regret those years we were together, you know?” Garth sounded apologetic, but then he’d always been good at backtracking after he’d shoved his foot in his mouth. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out, but… I needed to make sure.”
“I hope it works out for you with Felicity, but I think you should go. There’s nothing here for you, Garth. We’re done.” Marcus’s tone sounded cooler than he intended. He winced, hearing Garth’s accusation repeating in his mind.
“You’ll at least keep in touch?” Garth stood. “I’ll give it a few months before I try to contact you again. Promise.”
“Thanks.” Marcus deliberately kept sitting. He felt cold inside. “Take care, Garth.”
“You too, and good luck to you and Joel. You’re going to need it.” Garth hesitated as though he was waiting for Marcus to react, but when nothing happened, he turned and walked down the driveway.
Marcus let out a long breath. One conversation, and everything they’d had together came flooding back. If he’d had any doubts—which he hadn’t—that he and Garth were over, he didn’t now. He hadn’t lied about hoping Garth’s new relationship worked out, but he didn’t want to hear from him again.
Especially if Garth tried to rekindle a flame that hadn’t burned brightly for longer than Marcus wanted to admit.
Then why had it only taken a few words and a simple touch to remind Marcus of what they’d had?
But that was nothing compared to what he had with Joel now.
Nothing.
Marcus obviously hadn’t moved on as much as he’d thought he had. A little voice in his head suggested that he should probably talk to Joel about it, but he wasn’t sure that was a great idea. Maybe he could ignore it, the same way he’d ignored Garth’s attempts to contact him.
Yeah, because that would work. He’d promised Joel he’d talk about things. He’d never had that with Garth, and life had been a lot simpler because of it.
Simpler wasn’t always better, and he wanted this relationship to work. Starting out by doing something he’d accused Garth of wasn’t the way to go.
JOEL threw his keys on the kitchen table and then walked over to the sink. He filled a glass of water from the tap with shaking hands.
He still couldn’t believe what he’d just seen. With everything that had happened that morning, he’d left his lunch at home, so he figured he’d grab it and the couple of notes he’d forgotten that he needed for a lesson later that afternoon.
He’d noticed Marcus’s SUV on his way home, so he slowed down hoping to get a glimpse of him at work. Watching Marcus and Garth locked in an embrace was…. What the hell was Marcus playing at? He’d said he and Garth were done. So why hadn’t he pushed Garth away?
Joel had tried to convince himself he’d been mistaken. A drive around the block had led him back to Marcus, and this time instead of an embrace, they were sitting together with Garth’s hand on Marcus’s knee.
He took a sip of water, but it did nothing to dispel the sick feeling in his stomach. Nannerl meowed and rubbed up against him, and he absently bent to pat her.
“He told me he wants to be with me,” Joel whispered to the cat. “We….”
Was there still a we?
Joel wanted to believe Marcus wouldn’t cheat on him. Perhaps Garth had taken Marcus by surprise?
He reached for his phone, punched in Marcus’s number, and then turned the screen off again. His reaction was ridiculous. Why torment himself when there could be a reasonable explanation for what he’d seen?
Garth had his hand on Marcus’s knee!
Not only that, but they’d been together in full view of the street, on show for anyone driving past to see them.
But he and Marcus had made love the night before. It had been the best sex Joel had ever had. Marcus had been so open, so responsive, and the noise he’d made before he’d come…. Joel felt himself grow hard at the memory and groaned aloud.
He needed time to think about this. What if he was wrong? What if he…? What if…? He should talk to Marcus about what he’d seen. Joel bit his lip. What if the explanation was one he didn’t like? His last conversation with his father replayed in his mind, and the desolation he’d felt after being rejected by someone he’d thought cared for him cascaded through him. Marcus was different. He wouldn’t….
Would he?
Joel picked up his phone and punched in Marcus’s number again, but this time he sent a text.
Can’t do dinner tonight. Sorry.
The reply came back immediately. You okay?
Joel started to type no, then backspaced. Talk later.
He didn’t read the reply.
Chapter Eight
MARCUS hunted for his favorite jersey. Although it was still warmer than usual for mid-April, the evenings were finally getting chilly.
“Everything okay?” Ella asked from the bedroom doorway.
Marcus looked up at her. How long had she been standing there? “Yeah, it’s fine.”
“How are things with you and Joel? You haven’t been seeing much of each other the last couple of weeks. We missed him at dinner last Friday too.”
“We’re okay.” At least he hoped they were. They’d gone out for dinner a few times, and he’d stayed over a couple of nights, but although the sex had been enjoyable, it hadn’t felt the same as that first time. It was as though Joel had backed off a little and was having second thoughts. “He’s busy with work and tired because of it.”
“Uh-huh.”
Marcus hated how Ella managed to put several unspoken sentences into those two syllables. “So… how long have you and Bernadette been meeting for lunch?” Deflecting the conversation onto something else usually failed, but it was still worth a go. “You told me she seemed nice and implied you’d only spoken with her a
couple of times.”
“Did I?” Ella fluttered her eyelashes at him. That so-called innocent look hadn’t worked when they were children, and it didn’t work now.
“You know you did.” Marcus finished packing his bag and dumped it on the floor by the doorway. “Are you going to just stand there, or do you want to come in, sit down, and talk?”
“I got the impression you didn’t want to talk,” Ella said. “I know you spoke to Bernadette a couple of weeks ago, so that cat’s long out of its bag. Not only that, but I recognize a poor attempt to change the subject when I see one.”
“Whatever.”
“If I confess first, will that make it easier for you to tell me what’s bugging you?” Ella sat on the bed and patted the spot next to her. “And don’t tell me nothing is. Something’s been on your mind for a couple of weeks now, and your attempts to keep it bottled up aren’t working. You’re quieter than usual, and that’s a sign something’s up.”
Marcus glanced at the door. Darin was in the kitchen making dinner, and Isabel should be finishing her homework. He couldn’t escape his sister’s questions forever, and as much as he didn’t want to admit it, she was right.
“You first,” he mumbled, sitting down next to her.
“Okay, so I said I’d met Bernadette a couple of times.” Ella at least had the grace to look embarrassed, but that was probably because she’d been caught out. “That would be a couple of times a month. I was introduced to her at a fundraiser just over five years ago, and we soon figured out who we each were. I didn’t lie when I said she avoids the issue with her father, so I focused on the idea of her and Joel meeting up again. They’d been keeping in irregular contact over email, but although she’d moved back to Wellington five years before, she was still figuring out how to improve things between her and Joel, especially as he’d finally broken up with Reed. I’m not sure what they talked about during that first meeting, but soon after that, their brunch became a regular thing. I was really pleased when I found out Jill had decided to join them.”
“So was it your idea to see if Joel and I would hit it off too?” Marcus figured he’d go for broke while he was at it.
“Ah, no.” Ella grinned. “That was a family affair, and I have to confess that, although I encouraged it, Darin and Isabel are to blame for most of it.” Her voice softened. “You both seem so much happier since you got together. I think you’re good for each other.”
“I want to be good for him,” Marcus said. He’d tried to give Joel the space he obviously needed, and he’d almost convinced himself that Joel was tired and things would be better once he’d stopped stressing about the concert. Preparing for it already seemed to be taking all of his time.
Ella shuffled closer and placed her hand on his shoulder. “So, if Joel’s not entirely the reason for your mood, what is?”
“Garth showed up a couple of weeks ago. It’s thrown me a bit, I guess.” Marcus had successfully dismissed it for a few days, but as time had gone on, snippets of it kept replaying in his mind, often when he least expected it.
“Rather more than just a bit, I’m thinking.” Ella sighed and shook her head. “I know you guys both agreed to end the relationship, but it’s never easy seeing an ex.”
“Especially one who wants to make sure we’re really done before he moves on to someone new.” Marcus studied the carpet.
“Of course he does.” Ella didn’t sound impressed. “And what else did he say? There’s more than that, right? I know that look, Marcus. He got under your skin.” Ella squeezed his shoulder. “I liked Garth, but sometimes I did wonder if he was good for you. He did a number on you a few times.”
“No one likes to hear the truth.” Marcus bit his lip. He’d given his conversation with Garth a lot of thought—perhaps too much. Was that why Joel seemed less enthusiastic about their relationship? Did he think it was Marcus who was backing off, so he’d done the same thing? Shit, Marcus sucked at this communication stuff. Not only had Marcus been preoccupied with what had happened with Garth, but he’d just accepted Joel saying everything was fine when it very obviously wasn’t.
“Some of that so-called truth was him projecting his issues onto you,” Ella said firmly. The edge in her voice made Marcus turn to look at her directly. “I know neither you nor Garth is good at talking about stuff, but….”
“But what?” Marcus hadn’t told Ella a lot about why his relationship with Garth hadn’t worked out, but she’d always been good at reading between the lines.
“Whatever Garth’s issues with you, Joel isn’t Garth, and you’ve come out of your shell since you moved up here. I can see the difference in you.”
“Garth and I are done.” Marcus had repeated the phrase to himself several times after that phone call. “And according to him, I haven’t changed at all. He told me about his new girlfriend, Felicity, but I didn’t want to talk about Joel. It… I don’t know. I didn’t want him….” Hell, he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t said anything much.
“Garth’s your past, and you don’t want your relationship with Joel to be tainted by what you had with Garth.” Ella sounded thoughtful. “There’s nothing wrong with your reaction, Marcus. It’s normal. Have you told Joel about Garth and why you guys broke up?”
“Yeah, I have. I’m trying not to make the same mistakes I did last time. Garth….” Marcus winced. “I’m not cold, am I, Ella? I know I withdraw into myself at times, but”—he looked away and continued in a whisper—“Joel deserves more than that. He’s so full of life, so vibrant, and he talks about everything. He doesn’t only need someone who is going to be there for him when things get rough; he needs a partner who will talk to him as well as listen.”
What if Garth was right?
What if—
“Now hold it right there.” Ella had definitely moved on to angry now. “Don’t you dare take all that crap on board. If Garth thought he could just pick up where you guys had left off, he’s out of luck. You’ve moved on, Marcus, and Joel is way better for you than Garth ever was. Not only that, but you’re good for Joel too. He’s happy and finally moving forward with his life. He’s got a lightness about him that’s been lacking for years. Don’t let any of Garth’s bullshit get in the way of that. And if the last couple of weeks are anything to go by, it already has.”
“I haven’t told Joel about Garth contacting me, and the longer I leave it, the harder it is to say anything.”
Ella snorted. “Your reaction isn’t down to being cold, Marcus. It’s because you’re scared, and Garth’s comments haven’t helped. In fact they’ve probably contributed to how you’re feeling. What you and Joel have is new. You’re still working out how you fit together.”
Most of the things that he’d accused Garth of echoed his own flaws. They’d been too much alike, especially when it came to communicating what should have been said years ago.
“Yeah, I guess.” Marcus flushed, remembering his reaction to the tone Garth had used when they’d had sex. “If Garth is so far in the past, why the hell does he still get to me like this? I told him we’re done. Fuck, I’ve told myself we’re done.”
“You guys were together a long time. Finishing a relationship doesn’t mean you don’t still feel something for him—” Ella put up her hand when Marcus started to protest. “It might not be romantic, but no one expects you to forget him completely. You had good times together, even though it might not feel like it now. You must have, or you wouldn’t have stayed together that long. You’re going to find yourself remembering some of those times and second-guessing yourself. Everyone does it.” Ella smiled ruefully. “I still see my ex-boyfriend around. You remember him? The guy I was with before I met Darin? I thought he was the one for a long time, and I was devastated when we broke up. But looking back, while I don’t regret being with him, I doubt a life with him would have been a patch on what I have with Darin.”
“Neither of us apologized for our relationship breaking down, or took responsibility for it,” Marcus
remembered. “We just decided it was time to part ways and so that was what we did.” They had always taken a logical approach in their relationship and this was no different. “That’s why being with Joel is so different. He doesn’t weigh up every small decision before he makes it. He’s passionate about life, and when he…. Umm….” He felt his face flame. God, the last thing he was going to do was discuss those kinds of details with his sister.
Ella patted his leg and chuckled. “Don’t worry. I can fill in the gaps. You don’t have to embarrass yourself by talking about your sex life with your big sister.”
“Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to.” Marcus glanced up at the knock at the door.
“Daddy told me to let you know dinner’s almost ready.” Isabel looked at her uncle and mother. “He said you’re going to Uncle Joel’s, Uncle Marcus.”
“Yes, that’s right.” Marcus forced a smile for her. “I’ll tell him you were asking after him. Your mum and I are nearly finished talking. She’ll be out shortly, and I need to get going. Don’t want Uncle Joel’s meal to get cold, do we?”
Isabel ducked into the room and kissed Marcus on the cheek. “I love you, Uncle Marcus.” She skipped back out into the hallway before he had a chance to reply.
“She’s a good kid, Ella. You and Darin have done a great job with her.”
“Yeah, she is. She adores you—and Joel.” Ella added quietly, “You should talk to Joel about what happened with Garth. I know you’ve told me, but when you’re with someone, they need to know about this stuff, especially as it’s affecting you the way it is.”
“I know. I’m just not sure how to tell him,” Marcus said. Although Ella had dismissed Garth’s accusations, Marcus wasn’t so easily convinced. What if Joel agreed with Garth? And then there was that not-so-small matter about how Marcus had reacted when he’d remembered….
Definitely not something he wanted to tell his new boyfriend. If he still had…. God, what if Joel had invited him around for dinner to tell him they were over? He pushed that thought aside.