by Anne Barwell
“You say… Garth came to see me a few weeks ago. Can we talk about it? And yes, I know I’m making it sound easy, but the longer you leave it, the more difficult it’s going to get. The first time is the hardest. Some of the conversations Darin and I have had haven’t been easy, but we needed to have them, and in hindsight I’m pleased we did. If I can tell something is bothering you, so will Joel, and it’s better you tell him about it before he thinks it’s because of something he’s done, or figures out you’re not talking to him about the stuff that matters.”
“Yes, Mum.” Marcus caught her arm and pulled her into a hug. “Love you, Ella. How did I manage to get such a great big sister?”
“Dumb luck is my guess.” Ella kissed his cheek, mirroring the actions of her daughter a few minutes before. “If you need to talk anytime, I’m here, okay? Now go enjoy your evening with your boyfriend, and for goodness sake, talk to him like you’ve just talked to me.”
JOEL threw the tea towel over his shoulder when he heard the knock at the front door. “Hey.” He opened the door and greeted Marcus with a kiss. “Come in. Dinner’s just about ready.” He kept his tone light and ignored how nervous he felt. Joel had let his pretense that everything was fine go on for far too long. He couldn’t keep wondering what he’d really seen, and each time he thought about it, his fear grew that he and Marcus were over. It hadn’t escaped him how hypocritical he was being about the whole thing. He’d wanted a relationship with a partner with whom he could be open about how he felt, and he wasn’t acting that way himself.
At least after tonight he’d know for sure who Marcus wanted to be with. He hadn’t been the only one on edge since he’d seen Marcus and Garth together. Marcus had been quieter than usual and had retreated into himself. His demeanor reminded Joel of how Marcus used to be during his infrequent visits to Wellington.
“It smells wonderful.” Marcus deposited his backpack under the coatrack in the hallway. He seemed a little nervous.
“Lamb steaks, roast veges, and broccoli in cheese sauce.” Joel frowned. “I forgot to check if there’s anything you don’t like, or if you have any allergies.”
Marcus silenced him with another kiss. “I eat anything, especially if someone is cooking for me.” He retrieved a bottle from his bag. “I bought us a bottle of wine to have with dinner. Hope you’re okay with a dry white. I wasn’t sure what you were making.”
“Dry white is fine. Come out to the kitchen and you can pour us a glass while I serve.” Joel still had so much to learn about Marcus and hoped he’d still have the opportunity to do so. They’d talked a lot about their lives and their ex-boyfriends but not much about the little things.
Shit, what was wrong with him? Despite his reservations about their relationship, Joel still found himself acting like they had a future together. He didn’t want to lose Marcus, but he wouldn’t stay with someone who wasn’t honest with him about the important stuff.
Joel had spent several years letting Reed make all the decisions, big and small. It had suited both of them at the time, and Joel never found that Reed chose something he disliked enough to make an issue of it. However, in hindsight, he probably should have said something to Reed about the stuff that niggled at him. Ignoring all the little things meant when he did finally say no, the argument hadn’t been just about what they were discussing at the time but everything else Joel had never said. His and Marcus’s relationship was very new, and already Joel had spent a couple of weeks backing off instead of talking to him.
Damn it. He wanted whatever he had with Marcus to work. But not if…. Marcus had told him he and Garth were over. Then why the hell hadn’t Marcus told him that Garth was in Wellington?
“Nice music.” Marcus handed Joel a glass of wine.
“Not classical either.” Joel managed a strained laugh when Marcus rolled his eyes. “It’s Michael Bublé’s latest album. Good easy listening.”
“I don’t mind if you play classical music. I don’t usually listen to it, but I don’t dislike the genre. I think I could get used to it.”
“I have a stack I can inflict on you.” Joel took a sip of wine and sighed his approval. He glanced at the bottle. “This is one of my favorites. Lucky guess?”
“Darin mentioned it, so I figured it was the way to go.”
“Mentioned it or not-so-subtly hinted you should buy a bottle?”
“You know him well.” Marcus helped to carry the food to the table, then sat down opposite Joel. “Thanks for the invitation tonight.” He took a bite of steak. “This tastes great, just the way I like it. My cooking skills are a little more basic than yours.”
“Every other meal we’ve shared has been takeout or at a restaurant, so I’ve only made an omelet and this so far. Mine are only basic, too, although I’ve been told I make a mean salad.”
“I prefer basic meals. Good food and filling. This hits the spot nicely.”
“Great.” Although Joel didn’t mind cooking, it wasn’t something he was passionate about. With his busy schedule, he preferred to keep his time in the kitchen as short as possible. “That’s what I like too. I keep the different stuff for when I eat out. I figure that’s the place to try something new.”
“Totally.” Marcus lapsed into silence, but he kept glancing at Joel between mouthfuls.
Joel frowned. “Do I have sauce on my face or something?” Was Marcus trying to find the words to tell him they were over?
“Huh?” Marcus seemed surprised by Joel’s question. “No, you’re fine.”
“You weren’t kidding when you said you don’t talk about stuff,” Joel murmured.
“What makes you say that?” Marcus put down his fork.
“You keep looking at me, and you seem nervous.” Joel plowed on, ignoring the fact he was just as guilty of not talking as Marcus. He’d hoped to at least get through dinner before Marcus…. This conversation wasn’t going the way he’d planned. What had happened to his brilliant idea of coming out and telling Marcus what he’d been bottling up for weeks?
Marcus sighed. “I figured we’d get through dinner at least before you start interrogating me.”
“Interrogating you?” Joel snorted. What he’d planned to do that evening wasn’t an interrogation. Was it? He took a sip of wine to steady his nerves. “Look,” he said. “I thought we had this conversation about talking about stuff already.”
“We did, and I’ve been here less than half an hour.” Marcus took a long drink from his wineglass. “I’m sorry. I need to talk to you about something, and I suck at this type of thing. I shouldn’t have overreacted. Can we start again?”
“Sure.” Joel put down his fork. Whatever Marcus had on his mind, it was big. He looked nervous as hell. Oh God. Joel had been right, despite so badly wanting to be wrong.
“Garth came up to Wellington to see me.” Marcus seemed unsure as to how to continue.
That was a good sign, right?
“I—and?” Joel stopped himself just in time from telling Marcus he already knew.
“Umm, it was a couple of weeks ago. I know I should have mentioned it earlier, but—” Marcus shrugged. “—I couldn’t figure out how, and—” He blew out a breath. “—he’s found someone else and wanted to know if we were still over, and if there was still a chance we might get back together. I told him….” Marcus’s face flamed. He looked away.
Oh shit. Joel’s heart raced. So Marcus was going to tell him that what Joel had thought they had was over. He felt a sudden blast of anger.
“So are you guys really over?” Joel asked.
Marcus kept studying the lone broccoli floret poking out of the cheese sauce.
“Please don’t tell me that having sex with me was you making sure you guys were truly over. Or deciding you weren’t.” Joel still didn’t want to believe it. “I saw you and Garth together a couple of weeks ago. I saw… you were hugging, and he had his hand on your knee!”
“It was all him, Joel. I wouldn’t do that to you. I… I had sex with you
because I wanted you.” Marcus pushed back his chair and stood. “I wondered why you were backing off. I thought…. He… I told Garth that he and I are well and truly over, Joel.”
Joel’s thoughts screeched to a halt. Had he heard correctly? Marcus didn’t want to break up. He wanted them to be together. Fuck. Joel had seen that—the word arsehole came to mind immediately—with Marcus, and thought the worst. He slowly got to his feet so he and Marcus were on the same level.
“I’m sorry. I jumped to conclusions I shouldn’t have. Shit, I didn’t know what to think.” Joel took a deep breath. “That’s why I took a step back. I wasn’t sure about us, or whether…. I thought you wanted him, not me. I wanted to trust you, but….”
“He….” Marcus gripped the side of the table, his knuckles white. “I told him that I’m with you, that I want you, not him.” Marcus’s voice trembled. “He told me I was cold, wished us luck, and told me I’d need it.”
“Bastard.” Joel strode around the table to stand behind Marcus and put his arms around him. Now that he knew the truth, he directed his anger toward the man who deserved it—Garth.
Marcus leaned into Joel’s embrace but grew quiet again, although his breath hitched.
Fuck, could he have been any more of an idiot?
“As I said,” Joel whispered, “I jumped to conclusions and thought you were trying to find a way to tell me you wanted to break up.”
“No!” Marcus turned his head to meet Joel’s gaze. “I suck at this stuff. I should have told you as soon as it happened, but the longer I left it, the harder it got, and the more his words got to me.” He placed one hand on top of Joel’s. Joel rested his chin on Marcus’s shoulder. “I started to wonder if all that stuff he said was true. He… I didn’t tell him about you, and yet he came all the way up here to tell me about Felicity.”
“You’re not the only one who sucks at this stuff. I should have told you I’d seen you and Garth together. It would have made things better for both of us. The last couple of weeks have been hell. I kept telling myself I’d made a mistake, but it felt as though I was taking a step forward and two back. We’d have sex, but I couldn’t bring myself to trust you completely. Not like I did that first time.”
Marcus flinched. “I knew something wasn’t right, but I never guessed it was this. I thought… I thought you’d had second thoughts about us, but didn’t know why. I’d psyched myself up to tell you tonight what had happened with Garth. I’d almost talked myself out of the idea you’d invited me around to dinner tonight to break up with me. Then when the conversation started to go downhill, I figured I was wrong. I screwed up by not talking to you, and I feel bad about it. I want to be good for you. I still do.”
“I wonder sometimes,” Joel said slowly, “why someone as hot as you—a guy who is intelligent, easygoing, and not to mention fantastic in bed—would want someone like me. I talk too much, especially when I’m nervous, I work long hours, and you’ve already been introduced to my wonderfully dysfunctional relationship with my father.”
“Because I… you’re the guy I want.” Marcus seemed surprised at Joel’s confession. “You’re totally the best thing in my life.” He squeezed Joel’s hand.
Joel kissed him softly. “Why don’t we move into the living room and talk?” he suggested. Dinner would keep. Now they were talking, Joel didn’t want to risk stopping again until they’d both said everything they needed to.
“Okay.” Marcus followed Joel out to the living room, still holding Joel’s hand.
Once they were seated, Joel cleared his throat. “I… I don’t deal well with people not telling me things.” He continued quickly when Marcus began to look guilty again. “It’s not just you who is still dealing with shit from your last boyfriend. One of the last arguments I had with Reed was about him not telling me about something I needed to know.”
“Just because I don’t talk to you doesn’t mean I want to break up with you. I’m… I want to think I’m trying, but I think I’ve just presented proof that I still suck at it.”
“Yeah. Knowing you kept this to yourself for weeks pushes a few of my buttons, and not in a good way, although I was an idiot and wasn’t much better.” Joel leaned his forehead against Marcus’s. “I’m sorry. I guess we’re still working on learning to trust each other, yeah?”
“I’m sorry too, and yeah, it kind of proves neither of us are quite ready to ditch the relationship training wheels just yet.” Marcus brushed back a strand of Joel’s hair when it flopped over one eye, before leaning back against the sofa. “I thought you broke up with Reed because he asked you to move to Australia with him and you didn’t want to go.”
“Yeah, well. What kind of guy asks that after he’s already taken the job over there and booked two one-way tickets? He was so certain I’d just go along with what he wanted because I always had, that he didn’t bother to ask me what I wanted.” Joel hadn’t told anyone that before, not even Darin. In fact he’d tried to forget it himself and focus on the story he wanted to believe—the version of the truth he’d told everyone, including Marcus.
“Ouch.” Marcus turned so they were facing each other again. “I would never do something without asking you first. I don’t presume, okay? I might not always talk about everything in good time, but I promise I will never take you for granted.”
“Okay. Sorry.” Joel hadn’t realized why he’d overreacted until he’d finally told the truth out loud. “I guess all of that affected me more than I thought it had. I convinced myself it was okay, and then when you… I saw the same thing start to happen all over again. Which is crazy, considering Reed and I were together for years, and you and I haven’t been a couple for long.”
“I’m not Reed,” Marcus said softly, “although I’m probably just as much of an idiot right now.”
“You’re not an idiot,” Joel said. “I think that’s me.”
“We’ve both got baggage. You don’t get to our age without it. We’re not twentysomethings in our first relationship. I had a couple of boyfriends before Garth.”
“Yeah,” Joel said. “I had a couple in high school, and Reed wasn’t the guy I came out to my dad for. That guy broke up with me a couple of weeks later.”
“His loss.” Marcus grew quiet for a moment, and when he spoke again, his words were measured, as though he’d given them a lot of thought. “What we have is very different to my relationship with Garth. I moved up here to get away from him. Not because our split wasn’t amiable, but because I couldn’t go anywhere in Hokitika without hearing about him and how wonderful he is.” He shrugged. “He’s a good guy, most of the time. But he isn’t my guy.”
“No, he’s not. As you said, we’ve both got some crap we’re carrying round, right?” At least Marcus had the excuse that his breakup wasn’t that long ago. Joel had wanted to think he’d put Reed well behind him. If five years wasn’t enough, how long would it take?
“I can hear you thinking from here.” Marcus kissed Joel’s forehead. “I’m sorry. You cooked a lovely meal, and I screwed up this evening after it had barely got started.”
“We’ve talked about it, so now we move on.”
“I definitely want to keep you,” Marcus said. He kissed Joel again, this time on the lips—slow, deep, and full of promise and desire.
“Ditto.” How could Joel have thought Marcus was having second thoughts and wanted to be with someone else? Marcus’s expression made Joel’s breath hitch. He wanted this to work. He really did. “Dinner will keep a bit longer. I want to show you just how much I want you first. Really want you.”
Marcus smiled. “As long as I get to show you second. Or better yet, let’s do this together.”
Chapter Nine
JOEL read the text, chuckled, and put his phone back in his pocket. “That was Bernie. They’re running late but should be here soon.” He took a sip of his coffee. “They’re always late for some reason or another, although it’s usually Mum, not Bernie. According to Bernie, anyway.”
&
nbsp; They’d ended up putting the regular Saturday brunch off again for various reasons, so it had been about a month since Marcus had spoken to Bernadette on the phone. Joel had rung his mother a couple of times since that day to check on his father and make sure he hadn’t had any more heart problems.
“I don’t mind waiting awhile,” Marcus said. “It gives us some extra time before they get here.” He gave the waitress—Joel had introduced her as Wendy—a smile in return to the one she gave him. “I haven’t been here before. It’s nice.”
“Yeah. Good service and food at a reasonable price. We thought about trying different cafés, but then figured as we’d found one we really liked, why not stick to it?”
“I thought you liked change?”
“I do, but Mum doesn’t. She’s very much a creature of habit. When I was growing up, I always knew what I’d be getting for dinner depending on what day of the week it was.”
“Nothing wrong with that,” Marcus said. He studied the mural on the wall. “I can see why the decor would appeal. It’s relaxing.” He reached for Joel’s hand and squeezed it. They’d moved forward since that evening they’d finally talked about Marcus’s meeting with Garth, although there were still moments when Marcus wondered if Joel truly believed their relationship would work out. He’d told Marcus he wanted it to, yet often changed direction midconversation when he got emotional, especially when the topic of his father came up. “The musical theme reminds me of you, and the artist has done a great job in capturing the feel of the harbor.”
Joel nodded and squeezed back. “That obvious I’m nervous, huh?”
“Yeah, just a bit. So am I.” Marcus knew this meeting was important to Joel. It was important to him too. He’d spoken to Joel’s sister over the phone, but it wasn’t the same as meeting her in person. Although Joel had said his mother had finally come around to the idea that Reed hadn’t just been a close friend, he had no clue how she’d react to meeting Marcus. Knowing her son was gay was a very different thing to being confronted by the proof of it.